I would be a hypocrite if I went back in!

[amy]

So...all of you who have been keeping up to post with my journey in accepting and loving myself as a lesbian...I have more news... But first I want to thank you all for your encouragement! It has been most helpful!

After I came out to my mom, she told my dad that night and I got a voice message from him. It went something like this, "Amy you HAD BETTER give me a call. We have A BIG PROBLEM HERE!" He has a temper like none other! If something breaks or doesn't go the way he wants, he throws things around and beats things...(not people or his family, except spankings when we were little) Anyways I got so upset when I heard it. I felt like I HAD to call him or else!!! But I was shaking. After I told Steph, something inside of me rose up(ok is was God) and I had this righteous anger come forth, meaning that I started saying things with power behind my words, things like I am NOT going to be controlled by my dad or his accusations against me! I went on and on for over an hour about how I Am NOT going to let him run my life, it is MY LIFE! I didn't even care about the loan thing. I was NOT going to allow him or my mom to control me anymore! (It was really good! I felt like I was standing up to him, even though he wasn't there)
I've never stood up to my dad before. I hope you don't think I'm some kind of nerd or something but if you knew what kind of family I grew up in, you would understand more. I literally did not think for myself growing up, because I was too scared of being wrong! I just took what my parents (and siblings) said as truths, never questioning them! And by-golly...when I started questioning them, they got/get ANGRY!!!
I probably shouldn't assume but I know what they are going to say..."The bible says...blah blah blah...What has happened to you...You are Deceived!!!" Because that is what happened when my cousin came out. I'm sure the whole town I grew up in knows by now, especially the Assemblies of God church, that I am gay.
I don't think it is right how I felt the next day after listening to his voice message. I had dreams/thoughts about my parents coming to my house (12 hours away) and pounding on the door, demanding to talk to me, not leaving when I ask them to leave, barging into my life, even shooting my dog because they were so furious! I know..it is my house but they are so demanding that I even had thoughts about getting pepper spray or something to defend myself! What KIND OF CHILD HAS THOSE THOUGHTS ABOUT THEIR PARENTS!?!?!? I don't think I have the good little christian, perfect family that they try to portray!!! And they don't releaze it! They think it is my girlfriends fault. Or the church I use to go to!
I feel like they want to kill me, which is probably the homophobia in them. I have had thoughts about taking my girlfriend and leaving town if they still come to see my sister (an hour away from me) just in case they come visit me! I don't want to see them!! I know what they are going to do! I know what they are going to say! I can feel them! I can feel their accusations against me and my life and my girlfriend! I know they hate who I am...isn't hate another way word for murder?

The fact that I'm saying this should give you a clue that my family is NOT alright!

I didn't know this was going to happen when I came out.(I mean about my dad.) He has never cared much about me growing up, why would he care now? He has never been there for me, except to punish me! Why would he have so much interest in me now!?! I sometimes think that I should have just stayed in the closet. But then almost immediately I think of the closet and how cramped it is in there, and There is NO WAY in haties (spell??) I'm going back in there! I can't! I came out and I'm staying out! I would be a hypocrite if I went back in! NO! I have to stay strong! Even if I feel so alone...I'm thankful for this website though and all who are interested in my life. I thank you for all your encouraging words. I also am reading Stranger at the Gate by Dr. Mel White, it's been really encouraging as well.

So anyways...that's the up date on what is going on. I guess I just need to trust God that He is bigger than them and they can't hurt me.

I question if my parents even love me. Does love control? Does love force to be changed? Why don't they love me for who I am? Do they even know who I am? Have you even seen those looks? The looks that say, "I love you but I AM going to change you!" What kind of love it that? My mom said after I told I did NOT want to discuss it...she said, "I love you but i DO NOT APPROVE! I DO NOT APPROVE!" First, do you not respect me enough when I say that I don't want to discuss it? Second, what you don't approve of who I am? Then how can you love me, because I am who I am!
Anyways...They are stubborn and I inherited that from them. I feel like I might be fighting a losing battle though.

WELL...I think I had some venting to get out. I'm sorry if I sound mean, or bitter, I am just tired of hiding, whether in the closet or in myself, meaning I have lived a life (well 20 years) of saying things and doing things to not offend anyone. Hiding myself from others so they don't know the real me! Because "you want to have a good impression on others so they like you"...as my mom would say. I tired of hiding! So, Thanks for listening!

[keltic63]

what does our dear Daniel say???? oh yeah, that's right "Breathe!"


did you call your dad? has he made contact?

and from my own experience with my AoG parents, things may not be going as you suspect. My parents told no one! I think they were ashamed and didn't want anyone to know (they are so far beyond that now)

the initial shock will wear off, and things may be much better than you could imagine.

[u-dog]

Amy, love, its just anger. lots and lots of anger. 20 years worth. Expressing it to people who care about you does not make you bitter or mean. it makes you healthy. And mixed in with your anger was so much strength and courage and self-respect that it made me want to cry. You are growing and maturing and becoming your own person. everyone has to go through that process. In a stable loving family where the children are respected as human beings that process is slow and even and happens little by little and one day the family looks around at each other and realizes that all the children are delightful grown-ups and everyone says "When did that happen?"

In families that are less healthy and where children are not respected and where one or two people are trying to control everyone, the process can be jerky and tumultuous. And usually the "children" have to rebel just to establish their individual identity. The psychologists call it "differentiation" because it is the process of the child becoming a seperate and "different" person than the parents. Age twenty is NOT a particularly late age for this to happen.

I know that your father's anger is scarey but he WILL calm down eventually. That isn't to say that he will ever accept your lesbian identity, only God knows if thats in his future, but he will accomodate himself to it eventually. Be careful not to burn any bridges in your anger or to back them into a corner where they feel compelled to burn any. Let them blow steam as long as they need to (especially while they are 12 hours away!) but don't internalize any of the ugly stuff they may throw at you. As much as you can, let it go over your head or roll of your back or whatever.

Look at yourself in the mirror of Steph's eyes and see yourself the way she sees you (as the beloved) If you are full to the brim with her love (not to mention God's love) then the ugly stuff your folks spew at you won't be able to find any space to reside in you.

You are beautiful and good and made in the image of the God who loves you. Stand firm. Be angry... but don't sin (as Paul says). we all are praying for you.

[Zerbie]

Oh Amy you are so strong and courageous it's amazing!!!!

I was wondering what I could possibly say in response and then saw that Dave says it all beautifully. It is a process of becoming you, as you are for real, and taking an adult place in the world. Given that your family has a few dysfunctions, talking to an experience family therapist might help you a great deal. A family therapist might have a whole arsenal of strategies you can use to cope effectively and relate as best you can with your various family members, according to the various circumstances their behaviors, etc. Of course, you will want a therapist who is LGBT affirming. It's worth checking out - your campus might be able to provide short term support, or a referral. If not, even some self-help books might have good ideas for coping with family dynamics (you would want a really reputable book tho, not some silly fad - something by a qualified, credentialed individual with extensive clinical experience.)

You have so much inner strength to face all of this so courageously. With time you never know how far your family may come, but you also cannot let your whole life go by waiting for them to come 'round. Now I don't know you or your father (obviously) but I think that deep inside YOU know if your fears about your father shooting your dog are based in a potential reality (in which case you need to protect yourself), or if they are an illustration of how your father makes you feel emotionally and psychologically (in which case physical protection is not necessary, but emotional comforting and nurturance is paramount.)

Keep being strong. When you don't feel like you're strong, grab the teddy bear and sit with teddy for a while.

All the best to you - and thanks for keeping us updated.

[kara speltz]

Originally Posted by amy

I question if my parents even love me. Does love control? Does love force to be changed? Why don't they love me for who I am? Do they even know who I am? Have you even seen those looks? The looks that say, "I love you but I AM going to change you!" What kind of love it that? My mom said after I told I did NOT want to discuss it...she said, "I love you but i DO NOT APPROVE! I DO NOT APPROVE!" First, do you not respect me enough when I say that I don't want to discuss it? Second, what you don't approve of who I am? Then how can you love me, because I am who I am!
Anyways...They are stubborn and I inherited that from them. I feel like I might be fighting a losing battle though.

Dear Amy: Wow, you are such a very powerful woman, and everyone here is rooting for you. As I read the above paragraph, I thought of Paul's beautiful scripture on love, I could hear it resounding in the background as I read your letter. Your parents do love you, but they are confused as so many parents are that because they gave birth to you, they think that they control you. Gibran has this beautiful piece on children where he says, something to the effect that we plant the Garden, we must let it grow as it may.

You are in my prayers. Hold fast to the assurance that you are exactly as God made you. My favorite scripture when I'm stressed to the gills is Psalm 139, read holding on to the understanding that God knew who we were long before we ever had a clue.

Kara

[Daniel]

Amy- Just want to add my support to that of others here.

While a good deal of Freud is seen with something akin to a rolling of the eyes, I think it was he that posited that every child, in order to become an adult, has to 'kill' their parent. Of course, he didn't mean this literally. What he was alluding to was the process by which we become differentiated- where we become fully ourselves.

Coming out changed everything as far as my own father was concerned. That's the moment, as messy as it was, when we started to have a real relationship. In my case, it took years, and we're still working on it.

Steve has a good point: there is that old saying- "when you come out of the closet your family goes in'. It may take them a while to deal with things. In fact, the more conservative they are, you can bet on that. They will mourn the person they expected you to be. Letting go of that image and seeing you for who you are will take some adjusting. Of course, you haven't changed. But they may not be able to wrap their heads around that just yet. They will be struggling, not with you, but with their preconceptions.

Hang on tight kiddo. And hang on to each other.

A little dream interp here if I may: houses are usually considered images of our inner self. So it is entirely appropriate that you would have the sense of having to defend ourself, because, as you already know, you have a sense of how they might act based on past experience/observation. And what you've seen isn't pretty.

Put another way, God has given them the blessing of having to grow in love- and your life and love is the very means by which that can happen. It is a blessing. Yes- this will challenge them to the core- that's the whole point.

May you and Stephanie grow in peace and love.

[BruceChris]

You need to become the person that You Are, and the person that You Are Becoming. You cannot become Somebody Else, even if you tried. I can believe that your father has a strong need to have you be the person that he needs you to be, and that means not allowing you to be yourself, or for you to grow up. (Holy Moly, all too many straight men never want their WIVES to grow up!)

We support you. You CAN be strong. You ARE being strong. Do not be afraid to reach out to any friends that you can depend on. I don't recall, are you near any large city, where you could find a P-FLAG chapter? They could reach out to you. We will reach out to you, but if you can only go online when you can get into the library, you may need more than that.

Amy, God loves you, we love you, and God STILL loves you! -- BC


And Oh My God, if you ever do try to go back in the closet, it will give your father a desperate hope that he can KEEP you there


http://www.whosoever.org/

http://www.christianlesbians.com/

http://godlovesfags.blogspot.com/

http://www.welcomingresources.org/

We're Everywhere.

[amy]

[QUOTE=Daniel;20613]While a good deal of Freud is seen with something akin to a rolling of the eyes, I think it was he that posited that every child, in order to become an adult, has to 'kill' their parent. Of course, he didn't mean this literally. What he was alluding to was the process by which we become differentiated- where we become fully ourselves....
A little dream interp here if I may: houses are usually considered images of our inner self. So it is entirely appropriate that you would have the sense of having to defend ourself, because, as you already know, you have a sense of how they might act based on past experience/observation. And what you've seen isn't pretty. QUOTE]


[QUOTE=Zerbie;20592] Now I don't know you or your father (obviously) but I think that deep inside YOU know if your fears about your father shooting your dog are based in a potential reality (in which case you need to protect yourself), or if they are an illustration of how your father makes you feel emotionally and psychologically (in which case physical protection is not necessary, but emotional comforting and nurturance is paramount.)
QUOTE]


Thanks Everyone for you responses! I really do Appreciate it because this feels like the only place I have to go right now, except for Steph but she is in the same boat as me. It is nice to have others imput and advice.
I like what Daniel and Zerbie said about the dreams I had. I've calmed down since the call but do get a little nervous opening my email incase he wrote. (email can be just as hurtful and mean as a phone call) But at the time I was determinded that he was really evil and hated my guts because of who I am...but now I see that maybe it meant something else. I agree COMPLETELY with U-Dog:
"In families that are less healthy and where children are not respected and where one or two people are trying to control everyone, the process can be jerky and tumultuous. And usually the "children" have to rebel just to establish their individual identity. The psychologists call it "differentiation" because it is the process of the child becoming a seperate and "different" person than the parents."
You all don't even know the beginning of this like 2 years ago...! Then I felt like I had to completely cut off from them inorder to even think for myself!!! (and this was before I found out I was gay) I didn't go home for Christmas a couple of years ago and they almost had heart failure (not literally). They were so mean about it too, I felt so attacked! My dad thought that I didn't love them and couldn't for the life of him understand why I didn't want to come home! It turned out that about 2 or 3 other cousins didn't go home that christmas because they "had plans" when really they just didn't want to.
Thanks again for all your support! This is one of the greatest things that I actually look forword to
Amy

[BruceChris]

Kate Clinton:

"Whenever I get impatient with Ellen or anyone else trying to come out, however, I simply think back to my own coming out. My closet was huge, had a foyer, a turnstile, a few locks, dead bolts, a burglar alarm with code that had to be deactivated, decoded before I could even go for the door handle..."

http://kateclinton.com

http://lesbianlife.about.com/od/arti...ateClinton.htm

Peace, Bruce Chris

[u-dog]

until recently, mine had a minefield, barbed wire, and machine gun emplacements.

[Alecto]

I just wanted to add that it's GOOD to vent, and I don't know how much of what you wrote was just that, but I would also warn against deciding beforehand what your parents will say. It's good to be prepared for the worst, but you do eventually need to give them a chance to prove you right or wrong. Best of luck.