Hello I'm Hobo's Big Sis

[Tears of A Clown]

Hello everyone.
I'm Hobo's big sis, just call me PuP. It's a nickname I have had for years.
I'm straight but accept everyone with out predujist. I am here to support my sis. All my life I have felt like her protector, leading the way for her.
I always knew she was bashful and quite. I knew she always hated being a girl when she was a young girl. She hated wearing dresses.
She just told me this past weekend when I went home to visit. She seemed so afraid and had a very rough time trying to tell me but once it was out, nothing had changed. She asked if I had every thought that she was a lesbian. I never really thought about it. That is just me. I never think about things which are predujist in nature. I accept all; no mater what race, sex, sexual orentation, creed, etc.
Where my sis was always in the background, quiet, never the one to start something, I was the opposite. I talk to everyone, get in the middle of what ever is going on, and get things started, the black sheep of the family, one not to comform.
We share the fact we both have been sad all our lives.
I always felt like the Tears of a Clown. I was happy and didn't show the sadness inside for many years. The real me was inside and I could not show it. Mainly it was the way we both were raised. We had a controling mom who had major problems of her own and still does. We both were kept under her thumb until I went away to collete. (All I heard all our yourng years, she told us we had to go to college) The only problem is when I left for college I began to slip from under the thumb of our mom, when made mom hold the thumb even harder on sis. She never had a chance after that.
I married a man who was like our mom only worse. So I spent the first 40 years of my life in hell just as sis has. Then one night my middle son realize how bad my life was with his dad and he told me to "just leave". I finally had permission to leave, no understands how a 40 year old has to have permission to leave and can't leave on her own but it is real.
At the time I lived in Florida where you can get a divorce as soon as you can get infront of the judge (less than a month) but my ex did everything to keep it going and rough and BAD, so it took 18 months. By the time it was over I was a total wreck. I had a break down and went into thearpy which helped me. It started the path for me of getting the tears away from the clown. I know longer feel like the real me is locked up insdie unable to be free.
I was a special ed teacher. I thought all kinds of kids, even I have a learning disablity. I have a visual memory disablity and I can not spell. I have converted to a Catholic which is just as bad as where sis is. It is just that everyone in the family knows I'm the black sheep and rejected by most of them.
I know where my sis is, I know she has a long walk ahead, but she is smart, strong, and ready to start her path.
She says that I am smart and she isn't. She puts herself down. She is very smart.
Sis you know mom is having a hard time with this. Really she thinks if you don't talk about it, stop going to your thearpy it will GO AWAY. We both know it isn't going away. There isn't something in you to be FIXED so you change your mind. She may never accept it. Just remember where she is coming from and you know as I do that she has worse problems than we do. She needs thearpy but will not admit it. She will still love you. It is just she fears losing her grip on you too just as she lost her grip on me. She doesn't realize that she doesn't have to have a locked grip on us to keep us.
So I am here sis, I am here to lift you up, rejoice in your life, and let you know I will always be here for YOU.
I love you sis and anything I can do to clear the way for you as I did when we were a kids, or if you need me to kick some behinds....I can still do it.
Love you and see you soon!
PuP aka Tears of A Clown
PS....I also applaude you all, life is too short, to unhappy, and it's about time we start trying to get living with a happy one.

[DanaH]

I wish I had a sis like you. Your sister is very fortunate. I too saw a therapist, and I can tell you that they can be helpful. It's funny, my family thinks my therapist is teaching me how to be transgendered. In reality, I go there and realize the things I already knew, just wouldn't admit to myself.

It took me 39 years to finally come out to someonej, and to finally accept myself..

I wish you two the best, and if there is ever ANYTHING I can do, you have only but to ask.

[Tears of A Clown]

Oh I've heard that one....I have been told that my therapy only made me think I had major depression. Just as my ss knew all her life that she was a lesbian, I knew I would like to die. I've never thought of killing myself but did pray all my life until threapy that I would be the happiest I had ever been if God would let me die before I awoke the next morning.
I think the ole threapy made you do it....is a cop out. It is a way then can justify what is now being told to them. It can't be real, you can't be really meaning that YOU are that....the threapy made you that way.
It is the closed minds. Those who if they open up that mind might have to admit that there are all kinds out here....
I still get a look if anyone finds out I had threapy and have still major depression so I know how everyone feels. It hurts to think someone judges you because of what they consider undesirable.
Wake up world. We are here. All kinds of us.
I don't think anyone is going to go back into the closet and let you forget it was ever open.
You have years to go to get to the point in time where the world will be free for you to be open. I hope that time comes quickly but looking on the history...see it as a slow moving thing.
Rejoice everyone
Love ya sis

[Zerbie]

Wow. Welcome. What a loving sister you are!

What a huge journey you have been on! You're very brave to take on the work involved in therapy, but it appears to have been well worth it. You can begin experiencing a happy life now, without the constant tears. I'm happy for you. Keep it up!

[ladyinred]

I can understand the sadness and depression coming from a dysfunctional family, but my problems were more with my dad who tended to be abusive and mean. I have had to go through therapy,I'd also been in an abusive relationship with a man for twenty odd years, which did cause me to have a nervous beakdown on top of that some serious conflicts related to my sexuality.Don't ever let anyone talk you out of therapy, it is your saving grace to be in it.

My therapist could put things in perspective , where I couldn't because I tended to see everything as my fault and blamed myself for alot of the problems I encountered in my own family. I grew up depressed and very unhappy. I was also withdrawn much like your sister and quiet,those are sure signs of depression.All you can do is stand by you sister and be there for her, you can't solve her problems but can help by listening to her and letting her know she is not alone.

People seem to many times stigmatize people for needing help or being in therapy, but it is the wisest choice to be in it, if it is making a difference in your life and helping you. You cannot change your mother, she is probably very unhappy herself,but you cannot let her control your life and tell you what is best for you.

[ladyinred]

Your sister is also in my group on yahoo,I invited her there, to make sure she could have people to talk to and make friends. She told me about her church and they are anything but affirmative or gay friendly.I've been through that sense of isolation and people need a place where they can feel safe and be with people whom they can trust and who feel will support them.Everybody in the group likes her and I'm glad she feels like she can share things with our group.

[scott snedeker]

Can't help but smile when I think about the new joys your new freedom is going to have in store for you.

"Follow your bliss"

Your inner being loves you and so do we!

Your new life is a new blank page in a book. Fill it with joy. Don't look back at the pages that are passed by. There is great love for you in this world. You are gonna make it good and love it!

[ladyinred]

Hey Tears of a clown, what you have shown your sister is unconditional acceptance and love,I'm sure she will appreciate that as she is going through a pretty rough spot in her life , especially where she is located. My mom used to say, if you live in a small town everyone knows your business.(That's why we didn't live in them,LOL She grew up in one)

But with the prevailing mentality of the people there it seems, it is hard for her to fit in and feel accepted, and with the uncertainty of how people would treat you if the knew that makes it especially tough if you have no support sytem and feel isolated. So being there for her and standing behind her is all the more important to help her overcome that sense of isolation she feels.I'm sure that she wants to be there for you as you have had your own rough times. Hey isn't that what sis's are for?

[Angeleliza41]

Hi Pup,
Glad you are a Champion. Abuse happens everywhere. I'm glad you broke the chains with your Son's permission. Some times it does take a validation out side of yourself to break free. Now you can really live up to your title of Champion. God Bless you and your sister.
Hugs,
Angel

[alisaeyes]

Well I guess you met my sister...she more of a talker than me...I finally did tell her,,,and as you can see,,she ok with it...so thats the fourth person...but I feel that she will be a great help for me...I told her about the site where she could come and read and ask any question that she needed to know...you guys are great at helping anyone that ask...So I will say a Big THANKs to you all..keep up the good work.there are alot of lost people out there that needs your help...

[Tears of A Clown]

One thing I thought of while reading other post here.
Yes the church we were brought up in is very narrow minded.
When she was about 10 our parents separted and divorced, a group from the church came to talk to her. They told her she was going to hell. Could not me a member of the church anymore, but could still come to church. Why would anyone go to that church if there was NEVER any home for forgiveness. Even 36 years later, it has still NOT changed.
Needless to say I have long since left that church and religion. Even tho I am a very religious person, I follow the words of Jesus....Love thy neighbor as you love yourself. Any church may not accepting but as I have told my sis.
You can take any church or organized group, political party, etc and once you mix in man....man messes it up.
Life is hard enough when you are accepted, but when you have extra burdens on top of life, it can be back breaking.
I feel for my sis and what she will face time to time because of whom she is. Just remember sis...I used to kick our cousins behind for pinching you...even tho I am getting old and the bones don't work as quick I can still get a good kick in. Just bring me an ice pack for the knee and pick me up after I fall down too! LOL
Any time sis....I'm here. My home can be your refuse if you ever need one. Or a shoulder to cry on, or an arm to help you keep standing. I will always be there standing iwth you ready to jump into action to protect you. You are no alone. Even with mom....I will support you and try to get her to understand. If you ever find you a partner, BOTH of you are welcome at my home. If my son Erick doesn't like it tough. This is MY home. This is My life. You are my best friend.
Many of you here have these problems. I hope you have someone in your life whom you have to support you and stand with you before family, friends, and strangers.
The more of you who come out....the more people support you.....the more the others will have to listen and learn. Them learning is the most important part.
Ok....enough tonight
How did today go?
Love you sis
Looking forward to you coming this weekend.



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Take a look.......This is life........BRING IT ON!