Can a Homophobe, be a Homo?

[ladyinred]

Homophobia I would probably call a mental disorder or a neurosis of the mind. Not to be judgmental here, but society is very paranoid of gay and lesbians and probably any hint of same sex attraction in themselves. The fact that they have to go out of their way to prove they are not gay should say something. But the fact of the matter is I think society is neurotic and it spreads through the whole population as a pervasive disease and we all get infected by it..

[ladyinred]

Growing up I had two friends in high school one friend who was straight ( I was struggling with questions about my own sexuality and even tormented by the idea I might be a lesbian, at the time,I actually became depressed and almost suicidal,anything but that GOD!!!!! it was painful) But was weird is I was actually going through an obsessional period where I would literally try not to think anything sexual about girls) My straight friend who was a guy revealed the secret about my other friend , he told me he was gay and how I felt about that,I said it's ok, doesn't bother me. (Later thinking down the line maybe I shouldn't had done that) But anyway we became good friends and quite a few adventures together. It never bothered me about him, but why me?Self hatred is pernicious, I think I even struggle to this day with self esteem issues, but I've come to realize that self hatred is actually violence toward ourselves.
I finally settled down with a man convinced gay people could never lead happy lives. I accepted my fate.Alot of pain in that relationship, very isolating, everything started boiling up to the surface ,fantasies about women in my dreams when I was asleep and then BOOM the feelings of attraction were coming out and they were uncontrollable. I thought I was nuts and crazy and there was quite a bit of shame and horror to that. (I'm weird in other words I felt like a freak side show )Now it doesn't even shock me what other people go through. Sometimes it is hard to figure out how to live in a society that dehumanizes people . I think most of my life I lived very guarded, feelings in check but when it came to that I felt I was losing control and I wanted control to stop it.

[ladyinred]

Of course it's bad enough when we hide from ourselves and deal with all this sh-t and turmoil, but it's bad when you are going through it and don't feel like there is anyone to talk to. You feel extremely alienated,you aren't like other people, you are crazy, different. Nobody could be this way. Even as I walked through this and became aware of things in my own mind there was still this idea that homosexuality is shameful. I did not come from a religious family, my mother never indicated that to me.. That's why I don't get it.I've kept too many things in for a long time, too many secrets to bear,it got old and pretty damned lonely.Even growing up I detested dolls ,Barbie was like yuk!! I liked GI Joe better. My mother was always trying to force me into the little lady role.When I was little made me wear dresses and I hated it.I wanted my cowboy hat!!!Plus I let my brother cut up my Miss Beasley doll which I hated.(I actually handed it to him gladly , he wanted to cut her open to see what the voice box was like)I wanted to go fishing ,play the guitar.MOM would always say guy stuff. What the heck is "guy stuff"? She never did succeed in molding me though.