I went to PFLAG with my parents last night.

[Emproph]

The local chapter leader had written a letter to the editor so I looked it up on line and then invited my parents to come with. I think they were delighted to be asked to be a part of my life and I know they enjoyed being there.

There was about 20 people and we split into two groups and just basically told our stories and I think it was a real eye-opener for my parents. Not that they needed it, but just to understand that there is not only a support system for “Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays,” but the recognition for the need for it.

So often I think we suppress the recognition of a problem because we don't see a viable solution to it.

I went to a meeting alone first just to see what it was like. I really didn’t even have my parents in mind at the time, I just wanted to get involved in something in my area.

If you’re thinking about coming out, PFLAG, if there’s a group in your area, can be an excellent resource. Mostly parents and stories of their children coming out to them and their own struggle to come to terms with the “ultimate societal taboo.”

I learned a few things about them too that I hadn’t realized. Fortunately they’ve always accepted me, but for someone in less favorable circumstances, PFLAG might be an effective approach to at least showing them that they are not alone for knowing someone who is gay or having a child who is gay. I think part of it is that it’s validating for parents to learn that it wasn’t them who screwed up AND that it was natural to feel that way. Unnecessary, but natural. Very validating.

Some parents there expressed the turmoil of finding out there child was gay but the bulk were more of just the practical human challenges that came up in learning such a thing. Part of the lesson tonight, in discussion and in the video we watched after was that so much of the problem is in not being able to talk openly and honestly about such contentious issues. The splitting into groups seems to be key to rational discussion.

Even I feel this way, there’s such a stigma attached to support groups as though it’s a shameful thing to acknowledge you need more information. And especially, hopefully, the need for the comradery that comes with knowing others are going through the same thing, that’s what I get here at Soulforce but my parents aren’t going to be bloggers any time soon.

I just wanted to share that. It meant more to me than I was expecting it to, and again, I would highly recommend it if it’s possible for your circumstance and/or available in your area.

PFLAG is underrated.

www.pflag.org

[schoolboi]

When I came out in December of 1998 I was left very alone. My friends and family went into shock. They were not supportive at all. At the same time my concept of God led me to believe that my creator wanted nothing to do with me too.

Right into that time of complete isolation came PFLAG. I can truly say that the support I found from the members of that organization saved my life. I am forever grateful. You will always have a home at PFLAG!

[Zerbie]

PLFAG is amazing!! I have yet to run into a PLFAG chapter that disappoints. I haven't become a part of any meetings, ever, because I'm not sure it's a "fit" for me, but I do enjoy opportunities to meet and chat with PLFAG parents who get involved in the larger community. I so strongly recommend PLFAG to anyone who is looking for a safe community group in which to address these issues. What wonderful people!

[BruceChris]

I usually make their monthly meeting, and this month, we're going to get a
talk from the Gay into Straight America couple. Dotti, and Roby, and their pooch.
Won't miss it! BC

[Emproph]

Originally Posted by schoolboi

They were not supportive at all. At the same time my concept of God led me to believe that my creator wanted nothing to do with me too...
-I can truly say that the support I found from the members of that organization saved my life.

That’s heinous, and yay! (yay for the second part).

Like with your experience and Zerbie with the doctor and landlord (other post, guilt by association even!), I’ve never had to deal with that, and that even came up at the meeting too. I had enough problems, I don’t even want to think about otherwise. I often notice to be grateful for it, but I can never truly appreciate it. Thus I understand the meaning of “ignorance is bliss."

It disturbs the hell into me when I think about the kids in school today. It’s better AND it’s worse. The bystanders who are open, are decidedly more supportive, but anyone already prone to bigotry has a virtual “free pass” to hate what they already hate, except this time, they’re told that their hatred pleases God (who is love, therefore it’s not hatred). And even that couches to the pain of 'God hates me for something I can’t control, yet “should” be able to.'

That’s what motivates me, especially with this recent increase in ugliness of vitriol. I can fend for myself, but knowing what I went through I know it's even worse now for some. I think that’s the motivation for PFLAG. Sticking up for the one's who haven't found their voice yet.

We’ve got to figure out something better, soon.

Originally Posted by Zerbie

PLFAG is amazing!! I have yet to run into a PLFAG chapter that disappoints.
I so strongly recommend PLFAG to anyone who is looking for a safe community group in which to address these issues.

I’m glad you said that, when I posted this thread, In the back of my mind I was thinking, “OMG, what if some chapters of PFLAG are mean?” I’d be the laughing stock of Soulforce! (I'm serious, it crisscrossed my mind)

I don’t know if I, or my parents are necessarily a long term “fit” either, but at least I’ve found an activist central in a rich white heterosexual older male republican community, and right now that’s what I need. (I'm just using them to learn how to help others... )

And Bruce if you remember, tell Dottie and Roby I’m grateful for the part of their post that said they hadn’t met anyone that was outright hostile while they were traveling. That was a few months ago, so they may have something to add to that. But I think it’s a reminder many of us need to hear.
As much influence as “they” (the religious right) seem to have, the truly hateful voices are the mouthpieces of exception, not regulation. Thanks.

[Zerbie]

Well emproph, I've hardly been to EVERY PFLAG chapter out there! hahaha! maybe 3 or 4 - but in 3 different states, so perhaps that counts for somethin'!

Considering the mission of the organization, and the kinds of people who usually end up running the local chapters, I think it's highly unlikely for anyone to run into an entirely mean PFLAG chapter! To the contrary, it's probably one of the safest starting places to look, if someone is tackling "the gay thing" for the first time. Especially for parents, but also for those newly coming out, regardless of their age.

Now you've got me wondering if I should check out the local PFLAG meeting (I'm on their email list, is all) and see what their activist wing is doing. The campaign I'm supposedly working on is being mysteriously silent, and as you can see, I have some idle time I could be using. Teehee!!!!

[Mia14]

I emailed the PFLAG nearest me twice, but didn't get a response. Maybe their address changed - I'll try to write a letter in snailmail.

I always thought PFLAG was a great idea and I sent my parents the addresses of their nearest chapters, but I doubt either of them has gone. They have the kind of attitude that they accept me, so they don't need to tell anyone about it and I shouldn't tell too many people.

[Emproph]

Originally Posted by Zerbie

I have yet to run into a PFLAG chapter that dissapoints... I've hardly been to EVERY PFLAG chapter out there! maybe 3 or 4 - but in 3 different states, so perhaps that counts...

ONLY 3-4 more PFLAGs? In ONLY THREE different states? All totaled that’s nigh on SEVEN-HUNDRED PERCENT more than me!

That’s what I figured when you mentioned PFLAG in the plural, I was just rounding up. Makes my life changing long overdue adult parental bonding experience seem downright paltry..

Mia’s saves us both from further awkwardness, we now have direct evidence of a PFLAG that is mea.....non-responsive – at least so far..
-Kidding aside, as far as ‘activist central’ goes, I’ve still got some communicative leg work to do on that front.

Mia, I actually thought to myself that my parents never would have gone if I’d just sent them the info without my living down here and going with. Which is fine, they’re perfectly supportive, but it’s the parents who’ve decided they’re above that, or haven’t even had the opportunity to decide they're above that yet that need it most.

There’s an idea! Instead of convincing GLBT people to come out, all of us who are already out should convince our own parents to come “out” (with us to a pflag meeting).

(I'm just getting this) PFLAG is there specifically to support parents’ “coming out.” Look at the size of that unaddressed trauma. These parents are going through the same shame process when they find out their kids are gay, without PFLAG, support for them is virtually non-existent, let alone suffer the indignity of admitting the need for support group. Look at all the ‘shame’ energy that could be freed up, -like what Mia’s signature says.

How 'bout this:
'The Closet Brigade Ad Campaign'

“It’s been years since my parents came out. I no longer drink, my hair is growing back, and I’ve recently decided not to commit suicide after all.
{Voice over} Bob and Mary Siefert left the bigoted lifestyle behind, they now continue to have a son. -Remember, your parents don’t really support you until they’ve come out too. {end scene}

-Kinda like AA ‘cept with more acronyms to choose from. FOX Detox. PFOX Detox. PFOXD
Satirical Anti-Propaganda web site ideas anyone?

They have an opportunity to learn that they are not insane for feeling conflicted between their love for their child and their love for God, and that it was intended to be a perfect link, from God to the parents then through to the child.

Our beloved radical right-wing-nuts are breaking that cycle intentionally. I think we need to start using the word ‘Intentionally’ more often.

Mia, if they don’t write you back a third time, I suggest a new chapter president. Hmm.. That just leaves one question, who’s ‘interesting’ parents to nominate...

[Zerbie]

Emproph has me rolling on the floor!!!!

I WISH my parents were the type to go to a PFLAG meeting, but no way no how - that just ain't them. 'Sides, I'm married now, so my "phase" is over. (My mom actually threw into the trash FOUR entire shelf fulls of gay-themed books that I'd left boxed in her garage, when she found out I was getting married. I bet she did that first thing after seeing the engagement ring on my hand - I can picture her rumaging through the garage in the middle of the night and taking all those books to the dumpster. . .anyway, I digress, but as you can see that upsets me some.)

Mia - I would suggest you continue to be pro-active with this PFLAG chapter - maybe the email you sent got stuck in a junk inbox by mistake, maybe the chapter president is in the middle of a move/personal crisis - who knows. Give it another try, and try to find a phone # if you can - the phone is so much more immediate, you'll KNOW if they are just being aloof and distant, just hearing someone speak to you. If indeed they are grumpy old farts at that PFLAG, hopefully you live near enough to another chapter so you can give them a try instead.

[pnggrad79]

Zerb,
I am confused. Are you gay, lesbian, bi or just curious? What did you mean that "your phase was over with" ? Are you married to a person of the opposite sex and still support GLBT people? Just wondering.

[Zerbie]

Hi PNG!

Didn't know I was confusing folks.

Yes, I am quite genuinely bisexual. You think *you* were confused? -hahaha! - it took me a long time to sort that out! I came out publicly twice. First as a lesbian, then several years later as bisexual. I went through much grief and shame the second time, feeling like I was betraying "the community" somehow. When I first fell for a guy my first thought was that it was a "threat" to my identity. My next thought was, "but I'm a gay activist!" (A counterpoint to "but I'm a cheerleader" one supposes!)

Yes, I am married to a wonderful unbelievably awesome guy! 2.5 years now. The story of how I came out to him is posted on Lydia's thread in the Hello my name is, forum (we have similar stories, Lydia and I, so I posted it underneath hers.)

As to the "phase being over" thing, that was supposed to be sarcasm. My parents view my orientation as a phase that I had which is now over.