Curiosity and guilt complexes.

[mjules]

Okay, I actually thought long and hard about which section of the forum this question should go in, if it should even go in at all, and I'm still iffy about it all so trust me when I say I'll take any correction from the moderators with all gratefulness and grace.

To give you some background on the question and why I feel the need to ask it, I'm gonna tell y'all a little story.

I believe I may have mentioned before that I was raised fundamentalist. The fact that fundamentalism didn't make sense to me any more was what forced me out of church and almost away from any belief in God whatsoever. (Trying to take the Bible 100% literally will make you think that God can't possibly exist, at least not as you've learned God.) I was associated, affiliated, and involved with such organizations and churches as Morningstar (Rick Joyner's church, which actually owns a building less than a mile from my house) and the Cause USA. There are still people I respect who have what I believe to be very wrong ideas involved in these churches, and several of them had a lot of truth to teach me. A couple of them even saved my life. So I love them, still, even if it hurts my heart to hear how close-minded and hateful they are on certain issues that are close to my heart.

One of the people associated with these groups (and others) is Paul Cain, a man recognized for having a strong prophetic gift. A few years ago, when I was still attending Morningstar, there was a 'scandal' that had to do with Joyner, Bob Jones, Mike Bickle (whose teaching on the Song of Songs is still beautiful to me, no matter what wrong ideas he has about other things), and others in that 'association' discovering that Paul was involved in "homosexual activities." Being stuck in their ideas of homosexuality being a sin, there were weekly reminders to pray for Paul that he would see the "truth" about homosexuality - ie, that it was a sin that he should repent of.

I distinctly remember the leaders being frustrated that he not only would not submit to their correction, but insisted that he was not sinning. I think his insistence that homosexuality was not a sin vexed them more than it would have if he'd said "I realize I'm sinning and choosing to do it anyway."

The last I heard, the "correction team" was satisfied that Paul had "seen the light" and submitted to their discipline.

Now, years later, I wonder if Paul was forced back into a closet of deceit by his well-meaning but misled friends, or whether he took the Galileo route of bending his knee physically to satisfy them, but not bending his heart. My guilt complex stems from the fact that I, myself afflicted with guilt for being bisexual, was one of the ones who prayed most desperately that Paul would be "delivered." I feel horrible for directing my spiritual energy toward a manipulative prayer like that, even if I did it because I was so desperate to see someone else delivered to prove to myself that if I just held on a little longer, I too would be delivered from that horrible habit of falling in love with other girls.

Now, all this back story is finally finished, and my question is this: Does anyone know anything about Paul and how he's doing? I checked on his website, but all that was there was a short, vague statement that the disciplinary team was satisfied with his "progress" and had decided it was okay for him to minister again under certain "terms" that apparently they decided. (For the sake of retaining my ability to be gracious towards these people, I won't vent about how arrogant that strikes me.) I would love, love, love to write him a letter and offer him my opinion and a few resources, but I have this sneaking suspicion that it would be intercepted and burned before he ever saw it. That's why I was wondering if anyone here had perhaps heard anything?

I know it's a long-shot, but since I feel at least partly responsible for supporting the actions of the disciplinary team, the knowledge that I even indirectly contributed to him being repressed has been eating at me.