Need advice...very Christian/conservative family.

[Str8Ally]

Originally Posted by sailaway58

I am never combative but when some one does ask me about it or I just keep talking about it, I approach it with “what if's”.
What if for most GLBT it is not a choice but just who they are?
What if the church is wrong about this issue?
If GLBT's are only being themselves, how could this be a sin?
If it is not a sin then shouldn’t they be able to teach in our children’s church? Sing up front? Have full participation in church activities? That is why I think this is an important issue.
I never feel it is up to me to change someone’s mind. I believe calm open dialog is in favor of my goal, or one of my goals which is to get others to think. Think about what they are afraid of, think about what the consequences of rejecting others are.
Read something they don't already agree with for once!The same goes with family I am more interested in openly talking about it to get them to reconsider some of their views. I don't expect anyone to agree with me I just say I have been reading and thinking about this, yada, yada, yada, what do you think?

Yes, yes, yes! I very much agree with you and this is how I try to present myself whenever touchy issues get brought up. I understand that being vociferous and angry towards anyone who disagrees will only push them further away from seeing and understanding my point of view.

Because you are openly agnostic I doubt you will have much credibility with your conservative Christian family members.
I did think of a good one liner you are free to use if a Christian seems aggrieved of GLBT's "That's why I am agnostic, it gives me the freedom to accept everyone"
But personally I would rather see you embrace the faith and work from the inside.

That's a really good response. But I do think you're right, I should be wiling and capable to argue from the Christian perspective - the atheist issue is a whole nother can of worms. (And believe me, it was hard for me to "come out" to them about that - in fact I had to do it through MySpace). They will probably try to use the fact that I am atheist and pro-gay equality to "prove" that not having religion has made me "morally lax." I will have to emphasize in the discussion that quite the contrary, my position on GLBT issues is the moral position, and their's is the position that is immoral.

[BrianB]

Having a pro-gay member in the family back in the day when I was in the closet would have been threatening and perhaps relieving. It would have been threatening because I was scared out of my mind that my parents would find out... and not speak to me. Having a family member know about me would have increased my risk. Now I know this fear was mostly in my head, back then it seemed a very real fear.

It would have been relieving to have someone I could talk with privately about how to come out and when to come out. In fact, I'm only out to my parents. The aunts, uncles, cousins don't know. I don't feel a need to tell them right now because they are several states away. If the subject comes up and they ask me I will tell them the truth. It's not like they talk to me much right now.

BrianB

[Str8Ally]

Originally Posted by BrianB

Having a pro-gay member in the family back in the day when I was in the closet would have been threatening and perhaps relieving. It would have been threatening because I was scared out of my mind that my parents would find out... and not speak to me. Having a family member know about me would have increased my risk. Now I know this fear was mostly in my head, back then it seemed a very real fear.

It would have been relieving to have someone I could talk with privately about how to come out and when to come out. In fact, I'm only out to my parents. The aunts, uncles, cousins don't know. I don't feel a need to tell them right now because they are several states away. If the subject comes up and they ask me I will tell them the truth. It's not like they talk to me much right now.

BrianB

Hello Brian. Are you saying you would have felt threatened even if the pro-gay family member did not know you were gay? Or you would have only felt threatened after you opened up to them? I don't want to inadvertantly shove any of my relatives deeper into the closet out of fear that the subject even came up in their presence.

[BrianB]

Originally Posted by Str8Ally

Hello Brian. Are you saying you would have felt threatened even if the pro-gay family member did not know you were gay? Or you would have only felt threatened after you opened up to them? I don't want to inadvertantly shove any of my relatives deeper into the closet out of fear that the subject even came up in their presence.

My trust level is bad because I shared some things (not gay) with a cousin that I didn't want my mom to find out. The cousin opened her big mouth and it got around to my mom. It would have made me very uncomfortable for homosexuality to be discussed around the dinner table. A private conversation would have been good. Maybe you could ask your family member privately how they feel about gay marriage. You could also ask them if they believe homosexuality is genetic or is it a choice. A question like that would be a good conversation starter. Maybe when they find out how you feel they will come out to you. If they respond negatively you can just change the subject.

[Str8Ally]

Originally Posted by BrianB

Maybe you could ask your family member privately how they feel about gay marriage. You could also ask them if they believe homosexuality is genetic or is it a choice. A question like that would be a good conversation starter. Maybe when they find out how you feel they will come out to you. If they respond negatively you can just change the subject.

That wouldn't work in my situation, because I'm working on the assumption that, while there are no openly gay people in my family (80-something people), there might be one or some who are in the closet, knowing how conservative the family is, and feeling like they have nowhere to turn. I want whoever it is (if there is anyone) to know, by overhearing me say it, or through it getting around in the family, that I am there for them and support them and that they can come to me.

I would also have to be sure this person or people would know that I would never "out" them to anyone without their permission. Oy, this is a tricky sitution.

[Gennee]

I don't know how accurate that percentage is but it may be true. Discuss this with your relatives when you feel that you are ready. I kind of understand your situation because, to my knowledge, I'm the only transgender person in my family.

Gennee

[cousin.of.zuzu]

I think they will know even without telling them. I knew my cousin was just able to talk about things my family wouldn't and was safe. And because I knew she was safe and thought differently she was the person I came out to (years later). She made all the difference in the world. Anyone in that family who is struggling who knows you are more open will probably try and connect with you. Watch for little ways since it may take a ton of bravery. But if you have any cousins etc. who start wanting to hang out or talk to you more than others I would pay attention to that! That's what I did. Just made baby steps. Talked about little things. Eased my way into it.

[BrentRichards]

Originally Posted by u-dog

I like and respect you Sailaway. Wish there were way more straight people like you... but this, I think, is your "growing edge" (nice way to say you're wrong wrong wrong )

As a formerly teen-aged gay person who grew up in a loving and not particularly prejudiced family and who was affirmed and accepted without question when he FINALLY did come out to his family, I see EVERY REASON FOR A STRAIGHT AND AFFIRMING PERSON TO "BRING IT UP AT THE DINNER TABLE" !!!!

Making us invisible and "not suitable for dinner table conversation" is one of the ways that the majority population makes us disappear. It is one of the many subtle forms of violence committed against us.

Ally! You go right ahead and spoil the appetites of the straight members of your family! Your gay cousin (whoever he/she is) needs to know that you "see" him/her and his/her experience.

Dave

Put me down for a loud Sevenfold Amen on this one.