It's never to late to come out

[Daniel]

http://www.oxfordmail.net/display.va...ance_at_93.php

Mike pens gay romance at 93
By Chris Kearney

For more than nine decades gay pensioner Mike Soper hid his sexuality for fear of persecution.

Now, at the age of 93, he has become one of the country's oldest authors after publishing his first book, The Heart Entrapped - a gay romance.

Mr Soper only decided to write the novel after 'coming out' at the age of 91 - and only told his fellow residents at the The Old Vicarage nursing home, in Moulsford, where he lives, after they asked to read his novel.

He said: "When all the old ladies heard about the book, they asked if they could read it. So I had to tell them I was gay and that it was a gay-themed novel."

Mr Soper, a former academic at Christ Church, Oxford, until 1981, said it had been nice to be honest about his sexuality after so many years.

He said: "I had to keep quiet about my sexuality when I was lecturing at Oxford, as undergraduates would not have been very kind if they had known I was gay. I took some risks when I was young - I could have appeared in court because of my job and the attitude at the time - so I had to be discreet.

"Society has changed so much now. People can express their sexuality. But during the 1960s, 70s and even the 80s, I had to be very quiet about my personal life. I lived my life in the shadows and of course it was difficult coming to terms with it.

"As an undergraduate, I thought I was the only gay in the world."

He said his nieces and nephews had not been surprised by his announcement, and had given him the support he needed to write the novel.

He said: "My family have been very understanding and supportive since my announcement, though I don't think it came as much of a surprise to them.

"I had never married or had children, and I was in a loving relationship for more than 40 years."

Mr Soper's novel spans the era from the 1960s to the present day.

It centres on a young man returning to the family farm after college, having fallen in love with another man at a time when same-sex relationships are illegal.

Speaking about his reasons for writing the novel, Mr Soper said: "I wanted to try and present a different view on gay life.

"There is this image of gay people that you see time and time again on the television, as a community that only thinks about sex.

"I'm seriously worried the younger generation have forgotten about AIDS.

"My novel looks at a different aspect, at gay men who are in loving, long term relationships."

The Heart Entrapped is published by Athena Press and is only available through the online seller Amazon, priced at £10.99.

[Zerbie]

Oh, Bravo to Mr Soper!!!

[andrewlittle]

Hey Daniel, lie down on the couch a little while. You seem to be preoccupied with topics of age recently.

While I'm older than you, I'm not gay - reasonably happy, but not gay as such - but I can understand the concern about aging in a heterosexist culture. But, really my dear friend, you need to stop dwelling on this age thing. You are young, virile (or so I assume) and gorgeous (although I'm no real judge of this - just going by what other people have said). Celebrate your youthful vitality while you have it.

Now, as to the article - I found it just as heartwarming as some of the others you've posted. I was pretty ticked off with a couple of the people who left comments on the linked website, but you can't keep every idiot away from their keyboard, can you?

[Daniel]

Originally Posted by andrewlittle

Hey Daniel, lie down on the couch a little while. You seem to be preoccupied with topics of age recently.

Yes- I am.

I've had something of a tumultous last 7 months, which started when I woke up in the middle of the night with severe tinnitus the first week of March (I posted about this back then).

I thought about killing myself, until, around the 4th week, I decided otherwise, knowing the pain I would cause others. And while I never stopped working, teaching or being a husband, it has taken me a while to learn how to be 'myelf' again. It's been a steep learning curve. Those first four months were hard on me. There were times when I looked like an old man- bent over with lines radiating out from my baggy eyes- my face ashen. That's what lack of sleep will do.

It's taken me a while to find the rhythm of life again. At the same time, I don't feel as though I am at liberty to take things for granted. If anything, I've come to embrace the Buddhist teachings of Impermanence even more. Either I get the things done in this life that I know I am here to do, or I don't. It's up to me, with some help of course: no one does anything worth doing alone.

I'm very glad for several things: my husband who held me when I sobbed several times a day; my capacity for research that I utilized in finding ways to deal with the condition; the meditation techniques I learned years ago from a wonderful teacher- the most important thing being the knowledge of how to relax very deeply; this community which gave me something else to focus on besides myself in the dead of night.

Yes- my life circumstance has engendered thoughts about aging- and aging as a gay man. I'm not afraid of this process per se, but I am aware that one must have one's ducks in a row, which isn't something we're used to thinking about in our culture which values youth more than its elders.

And for someone who has gotten through life in somewhat of an introspective/intuitive manner, this left-brained approach (planning, order, structure) in this concern and other matters has been a good thing.

I'd like to be the kind of man in the article: taking risks at a venerable age.

[Zerbie]

Originally Posted by Daniel

Yes- I am.

I've had something of a tumultous last 7 months, which started when I woke up in the middle of the night with severe tinnitus the first week of March (I posted about this back then).

I thought about killing myself, until, around the 4th week, I decided otherwise, knowing the pain I would cause others. And while I never stopped working, teaching or being a husband, it has taken me a while to learn how to be 'myelf' again. It's been a steep learning curve. Those first four months were hard on me. There were times when I looked like an old man- bent over with lines radiating out from my baggy eyes- my face ashen. That's what lack of sleep will do.

It's taken me a while to find the rhythm of life again. At the same time, I don't feel as though I am at liberty to take things for granted. If anything, I've come to embrace the Buddhist teachings of Impermanence even more. Either I get the things done in this life that I know I am here to do, or I don't. It's up to me, with some help of course: no one does anything worth doing alone.

I'm very glad for several things: my husband who held me when I sobbed several times a day; my capacity for research that I utilized in finding ways to deal with the condition; the meditation techniques I learned years ago from a wonderful teacher- the most important thing being the knowledge of how to relax very deeply; this community which gave me something else to focus on besides myself in the dead of night.

Yes- my life circumstance has engendered thoughts about aging- and aging as a gay man. I'm not afraid of this process per se, but I am aware that one must have one's ducks in a row, which isn't something we're used to thinking about in our culture which values youth more than its elders.

And for someone who has gotten through life in somewhat of an introspective/intuitive manner, this left-brained approach (planning, order, structure) in this concern and other matters has been a good thing.

I'd like to be the kind of man in the article: taking risks at a venerable age.

:l ove:

You will be. Of that I have no doubt.

[BenL]

It was at age 58 that all the aging thing came crashing in for me. I had a few of the maladies of later middle age: high blood pressure, high cholesterol, ED (do I need to spell it out?) probably caused by the meds to treat the previous two. But mostly it was my life partner's coming out as trans that jolted me into a realization that we had to do some serious planning for retirement and old age. Then when our kids withdrew themselves from our lives, I knew that we had to find our own life as an older married gay couple. Got all the legal stuff in order, as much as one ever can. Working now on the relationship stuff so that we grow old together with our love even more firmly established. Thank God for counseling and good clinicians everywhere.

[andrewlittle]

Originally Posted by Daniel

I'd like to be the kind of man in the article: taking risks at a venerable age.

At this point, the only thing missing is the "venerable" part. You seem to be adept at risk-taking, especially when it comes to self-identity and matters of respect and dignity. I don't see that changing as you continue to mature.

Having experienced bouts of only mild tinnitus, I cannot really appreciate the excruciating discomfort it causes. A close friend has a constant battle with it, and I've seen how it has affected him and the choices he makes. But that still only translates to an awareness of the difficulties - an awareness that lacks real understanding.

I'll put my thoughts simply. What I know of you is that you are very bright, talented, erudite, passionate and compassionate - with what strikes me as a youthful vigor in your verbal strides, at least. I would imagine your actual strides pretty closely match. I have no doubt you have aged because of the experiences of the last year - in body and psyche - but that vitality is still an integral part of who you are as a person, and it continues to show through.

At least in my mind, you haven't joined the Royal Society of Old Farts yet, and I wouldn't be in too much of a rush to do so. As an insider, the geriatric contingent gets a little old sometimes. In all your planning and contemplating for your elder years, just don't forget you have a lot of youthful ones left. The concept of balance comes to mind.

Anyway, this may be getting too personal for a public post. Suffice it to say, Daniel, that I think I would love you as much when you are an old codger as I do now.

[BrentRichards]

Sonnet No. 73
William Shakespeare (who some argue went to our church)

That time of year thou mayest in me behold
When yellow leaves, or none, or few, do hang
Upon those boughs which shake against the cold,
bare ruin'd choirs, where late the sweet birds sang.
In me thou see'st the twilight of such day
As after sunset fadeth in the west,
Which by and by black night doth take away,
Death's second self, that seals up all in rest.
In me thou see'st the glowing of such fire,
That on the ashes of his youth doth lie,
As the death-bed whereon it must expire
Consum'd with that which it was nourish'd by.
This thou perceiv'st, which makes thy love more strong,
To love that well which thou must leave ere long.


Forget sexual fantasies, this is what I dream of!

[Daniel]

Originally Posted by BrentRichards

Sonnet No. 73
William Shakespeare (who some argue went to our church)

That time of year thou mayest in me behold
When yellow leaves, or none, or few, do hang
Upon those boughs which shake against the cold,
bare ruin'd choirs, where late the sweet birds sang.
In me thou see'st the twilight of such day
As after sunset fadeth in the west,
Which by and by black night doth take away,
Death's second self, that seals up all in rest.
In me thou see'st the glowing of such fire,
That on the ashes of his youth doth lie,
As the death-bed whereon it must expire
Consum'd with that which it was nourish'd by.
This thou perceiv'st, which makes thy love more strong,
To love that well which thou must leave ere long.


Forget sexual fantasies, this is what I dream of!

Here's one my my favorites from our church going bard...

Fear no more the heat o' the sun
Fear no more the heat o' the sun,
Nor the furious winter's rages;
Thou thy worldly task hast done,
Home art gone, and ta'en thy wages:
Golden lads and girls all must,
As chimney-sweepers, come to dust.

Fear no more the frown o' the great;
Thou art past the tyrant's stroke:
Care no more to clothe and eat;
To thee the reed is as the oak:
The sceptre, learning, physic, must
All follow this, and come to dust.

Fear no more the lightning-flash,
Nor the all-dreaded thunder-stone;
Fear not slander, censure rash;
Thou hast finish'd joy and moan:
All lovers young, all lovers must
Consign to thee, and come to dust.

No exerciser harm thee!
Nor no witchcraft charm thee!
Ghost unlaid forbear thee!
Nothing will come near thee!
Quiet consummation have;
And renowned be thy grave!

(Cymbeline, IV, 2)

Quiet consummation indeed!


Andy- you are a Mensch!

Ah....I got my Old Fart Card in the mail last week. AARP.

Just kidding.....come to think of it.....I'll be eligible next year- 50th birthday.

[kimmyd]

Originally Posted by BenL

It was at age 58 that all the aging thing came crashing in for me. I had a few of the maladies of later middle age: high blood pressure, high cholesterol, ED (do I need to spell it out?) probably caused by the meds to treat the previous two. But mostly it was my life partner's coming out as trans that jolted me into a realization that we had to do some serious planning for retirement and old age. Then when our kids withdrew themselves from our lives, I knew that we had to find our own life as an older married gay couple. Got all the legal stuff in order, as much as one ever can. Working now on the relationship stuff so that we grow old together with our love even more firmly established. Thank God for counseling and good clinicians everywhere.

I am so sorry your kids withdrew, instead of accepting and embracing you for what you are. Life can be cruel and unfair. Reading that broke my heart.

I hope you have a wonderful life, and am personally proud of you.

[tdogg]

Originally Posted by Daniel

Ah....I got my Old Fart Card in the mail last week. AARP.

Just kidding.....come to think of it.....I'll be eligible next year- 50th birthday.

Aww, Daniel, you will be a young and vibrant 50! As I creep closer, have come to realize that age is relative to one's heart and spirit. I've known some, while not as old chronologically, in spirit they are quite aged. And others, while creeping up there, are so spirited they are youthful.

My grandma just turned 93, and one would never guess to be around her. Other than one ear that doesn't work (and has never since her youth), and a bit of frailty getting around (uses a walker for safety), she is in incredible health and has a very youthful spirit! Great inspiration!

[tymejumper]

Originally Posted by BenL

It was at age 58 that all the aging thing came crashing in for me. I had a few of the maladies of later middle age: high blood pressure, high cholesterol, ED (do I need to spell it out?) probably caused by the meds to treat the previous two. But mostly it was my life partner's coming out as trans that jolted me into a realization that we had to do some serious planning for retirement and old age. Then when our kids withdrew themselves from our lives, I knew that we had to find our own life as an older married gay couple. Got all the legal stuff in order, as much as one ever can. Working now on the relationship stuff so that we grow old together with our love even more firmly established. Thank God for counseling and good clinicians everywhere.

I came out late in life, early 30s. I am 38 now and married to the right sex, FINALLY!!!! I feel like my life is finally starting. The only regret I have is that I did not come out sooner, or find her sooner becuase we have less of our lives to spend together.

I do have those women days that I am stressed about wrinkles, celulite and the typical female woes!

[Zerbie]

Originally Posted by tymejumper

I came out late in life, early 30s. l:

Oh good grief!

Where's my walker?!

"late in life!"



Actually, you've done really well: so many people never find a relationship that works for them. And many don't really discover themselves until much older than you did, if they ever do at all. Anyway, the most important thing is that you have found those things - not when you found them, but the fact that you did.

[tymejumper]

Originally Posted by Zerbie

Oh good grief!

Oh! My hip!!!!

[tdogg]

Originally Posted by tymejumper

I came out late in life, early 30s. I am 38 now and married to the right sex, FINALLY!!!! I feel like my life is finally starting. The only regret I have is that I did not come out sooner, or find her sooner becuase we have less of our lives to spend together.

Tymejumper, try age 45 (me! ). It is NEVER too late. EVER. You were just a spring chick! Well done!

[tymejumper]

Actually, in retrospect, it ws a bit easier to come out at 30 something than at 17, like I should have. I could support myself, had a career and had child bearing out of the way! I didnt have to worry about my mom and dad kicking me out.

I was just too scared to admit to being gay in my teens, it was the 80s and you just didnt do that, you were a sick person if you were gay and I didnt even know any gay or lesbian people anyow. The only lesbians I even heard of were on tv talk shows and they were very butch. Short buzzed hair and masculine dress.

I remember Phill Donahue doing a show about lipstick lesbians and how no one could believe these dress wearing girls were actually lesbians. They made a big deal out of them wearing makeup and doing their hair long etc.

It was only around 72 that the American Psyciatric Association decided us gay people were not mentally ill anyhow so it had maybe been only a dozen of years before good ole Phill.

I hope ours is the last generation to hide ourselves away and pretend we are straight. I hope we are the last generation to feel sick and dirty for being as we were born!

[u-dog]

Originally Posted by tymejumper

Actually, in retrospect, it ws a bit easier to come out at 30 something than at 17, like I should have. I could support myself, had a career and had child bearing out of the way! I didnt have to worry about my mom and dad kicking me out.

I was just too scared to admit to being gay in my teens, it was the 80s and you just didnt do that, you were a sick person if you were gay and I didnt even know any gay or lesbian people anyow. The only lesbians I even heard of were on tv talk shows and they were very butch. Short buzzed hair and masculine dress.

I remember Phill Donahue doing a show about lipstick lesbians and how no one could believe these dress wearing girls were actually lesbians. They made a big deal out of them wearing makeup and doing their hair long etc.

It was only around 72 that the American Psyciatric Association decided us gay people were not mentally ill anyhow so it had maybe been only a dozen of years before good ole Phill.

I hope ours is the last generation to hide ourselves away and pretend we are straight. I hope we are the last generation to feel sick and dirty for being as we were born!

Amen Sister! Preach it!