Thomas' Struggle

[NathanATX]

I am going to be consecrating/celebrating communion next weekend and I want to tie in the scripture readings for the week.

John 20:19-31
19On the evening of that first day of the week, when the disciples were together, with the doors locked for fear of the Jews, Jesus came and stood among them and said, "Peace be with you!" 20After he said this, he showed them his hands and side. The disciples were overjoyed when they saw the Lord.
21Again Jesus said, "Peace be with you! As the Father has sent me, I am sending you." 22And with that he breathed on them and said, "Receive the Holy Spirit. 23If you forgive anyone his sins, they are forgiven; if you do not forgive them, they are not forgiven."

Jesus Appears to Thomas
24Now Thomas (called Didymus), one of the Twelve, was not with the disciples when Jesus came. 25So the other disciples told him, "We have seen the Lord!"
But he said to them, "Unless I see the nail marks in his hands and put my finger where the nails were, and put my hand into his side, I will not believe it."
26A week later his disciples were in the house again, and Thomas was with them. Though the doors were locked, Jesus came and stood among them and said, "Peace be with you!" 27Then he said to Thomas, "Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe."

28Thomas said to him, "My Lord and my God!"

29Then Jesus told him, "Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed."

30Jesus did many other miraculous signs in the presence of his disciples, which are not recorded in this book. 31But these are written that you may[a] believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God, and that by believing you may have life in his name.

"Doubting Thomas"

I've been meditating about this text a lot... What was Thomas really thinking? Was he weak? Was he cynical? Was he untrusting?

During the Good Friday service, something profound struck me.

I saw Thomas as incredibly devoted to Jesus... he had spent the last few years eating, drinking & sleeping with Him... following Him... listening to every word He said...

And he had to watch his beloved friend be tortured and executed.

In this text we see a man who's heart has been broken at the loss of his Teacher. And now this same Teacher who was brutalized & killed is standing before him.

Thomas had to know, beyond any doubt, that this was Jesus. He couldn't take the new heartbreak of believing that this really was Jesus, only to find out this was a ghost or spirit... or a joke or an imposter...

I began to see Thomas as a man who was so traumatized by the crucifixion that he had very little hope of the resurrection and when Jesus was standing there, face-to-face, it was still hard to believe after the horror he had witnessed.

In those moments I began to have compassion for Thomas. And unexpectedly, I began to see myself in him.

I have been through a lot in the past few years. My faith has been shaken, dismantled, and at times evaporated. I've questioned everything. And slowly, I've begun to put the pieces back together. I've learned a lot. I've come to the realization that I am unsure or simply don't believe in much of the faith I grew up with... from sexuality to the virgin birth. I feel like I was only given about half of the puzzle pieces and told to make a complete picture with them. In my opinion, it just doesn't work. Something was missing.

While I have doubted many of the stories and traditions I grew up with, I have also been experiencing an upswell in my faith in God. I have become more and more certain of God's love, of God's presence in my life. And I am feeling a very strong call to the ministry.

Even still, as I was sitting in the empty sanctuary, looking up at the cross, I began to think I was feeling what Thomas was going through: I don't really know if I believe in the resurrection.

If I don't believe in the resurrection... then what am I doing in church? What am I doing in ministry? If the resurrection didn't happen, what does this mean for Christianity?

"Stop doubting and believe."

That's what Jesus told Thomas.

I've realized that what I've been doing these last few days is letting my doubts and uncertainties override my beliefs.

I believe that God is love. Completely.
I believe that we are called to love God with all of our beings and to love our neighbors, friends and enemies as we love ourselves.
I believe Jesus revealed the true nature of God to us.
I believe that the epiphany of understanding and accepting God's love can be a transforming, life-changing experience for people.
I call myself a Christian because I relate to God through Christ. His life, words and actions speak to my heart and compel me to live my life doing everything I can to be like Him.

That is why I am in ministry.

Yes, I have questions, doubts & uncertainties about the stories and traditions of my faith history. And I know I have committed my life to learning and growing... to seeking those answers. But even if the answers never come, the foundation of my beliefs is set in my heart.

John 20:29 Then Jesus told him, "Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed."

If any of you have insights into Thomas, I'd love to hear them!

[dewdrop_world]

At work so I have to be far too brief for the substance of the question!

Doubt is a great way to cut through the assumptions WE make about what is real (and what is God). I find again and again in my life, when the assumptions fall away, there is God.

So doubt is to be cherished! It reminds us that whatever we THINK, there's always an element of falsehood in it, and some separation from the divine.

What is it then that you doubt? Is it your faith, or what you THINK?

hjh

[Daniel]

Originally Posted by NathanATX

I have been through a lot in the past few years. My faith has been shaken, dismantled, and at times evaporated. I've questioned everything.

I feel like I was only given about half of the puzzle pieces and told to make a complete picture with them. In my opinion, it just doesn't work. Something was missing..

I have been at the place you describe- exactly that place when I started the process of coming out to myself around the age of 25. I felt like I was in one of those Salvador Dali paintings where everything was melting and turning into something else. And yes- questioning everything.

Despite the shake-up, I also felt an exhilaration and something I can only describe as Presence-something which even now seems strange to write about- much less understood with the linear mind.

For myself, doubt was the beginning . It's as if I went through an hourglass. What seemed so narrow and confining opened up into something larger and more spacious. Room to breath. I no longer feel as though I must be certain about everything. And that seems like freedom.