Stupid book is driving me crazy

[Daniel]

Originally Posted by Unmasked

I've found somebody that I feel comfortable with here. We're not sure how she holds onto her job here because she actually openly stated that she can't stand fundies. I'm surprised they don't view her as a threat for corrupting the youth and teaching them to think with their own minds and that *gasp* gay people aren't sick, immoral, depraved people who need help. Sociology effin rocks.

I will look into other schools, I still don't know how I feel about leaving. Everybody wants me to stay, and I do have good friends here, but at this moment I've got no clue how I feel about Jesus or anything. It's like, the more I learn, the less I believe. I believe in the teachings, I love the teachings, but I guess the whole story makes God seem not so good to me. Hard to explain really, especially at 4AM, but it's just a thought that I had. Maybe when I'm more straightened out I can explain my viewpoint a little better.

You realize, there's some humor there.

Good to hear that there is someone you can talk to. You are talking about a qualified therapist, yes?

The more you learn the less you believe? I remember feeling like that at various times during my life. Believe me. It isn't the end of the world. It's the beginning of coming into one's own. All that stuff that's been shoved into our heads by someone else can bear some looking into- or at.

Trust me here: you need to hang around more people like 'her'. There will come a day when a gay man will be able to attend some Christian school and walk down the corridor holding hands with his boyfriend. But that doesn't have to be you right now.

And you will sort your beliefs out as you take your journey in life. There's no need- or pressure- to have everything sorted out now. Living with a mind towards discovery can be an amazing thing. Living in someone else's shoebox? Sounds like the environment you've been in for a long time now. There is a gift in being gay: it gets one out of the box. And that is a truly wonderful thing. For me, it helped me sort out a lot of stuff. Was it easy? Not really. Fun? No. Liberating? You bet your ass. The more I unlearned the more I learned.

Time to break out. Find your own wings. Fly.

Takings risks- getting out of the box- that's all part of it.

Tell me something: would these 'good friends' still be good friends if you were totally out of the closet and walking down the street holding your boyfriend's hand?

Please my dear friend- don't be a doormat for those who's 'love' demands that you be something you are not.

[Unmasked]

Kendi is not a therapist. She's a normal teacher, but probably the closest thing I'll ever have to a supporter down here.

Being on the "B-side" is a bit different, because there's elements of bisexual erasure coming from both sides, and as I've thought on it more, I've been kind of tending more towards absolutely gay, not so much out of losing my attraction to women or being more attracted to men, but just getting tired of women. I've had so many bad relationships with women who don't know what they want that I'm tired of it. Everytime they say forever it seems to mean "until I find somebody better than you". I know somewhere in the back of my mind that it's not a gender specific issue, but sometimes it feels that way.

I guess I am worried about it. I mean, my roommate doesn't know that I like boys, although he does know that I support full benefits for domestic partnerships and all of that. Maybe I am afraid that being fully out would end in rejection. I do want to be somewhere where I can be out.

I've always been scared. The only person in my family that knows is my little brother. We're as close as we've ever been. He teases me about it sometimes, (mostly when I'm watching an indie film) just like he did when I was a vegetarian. My mom knows that my brother and I support equal rights, but I don't think she knows that I like boys. She insists that our support is just because it's popular. The biggest thing she was worried about was that I was going to get thrown out of school for being "too flamboyant" about my support. She was also worried that I was going to screw up "like I did in high school".

This turned into something way more than it was supposed to...I came to rant about a book, and now I'm pouring out my life before the world. All of my fears and resentments...I do that a lot...I hate it, because it makes it look like I'm reaching out for attention, and it feels like it too...

Ugh, my battery is dying. I'll end it here.

I'm really sorry if I sound stupid at all. I'm really tired right now, and...yeah, I'm gonna stop.

[Zerbie]

Originally Posted by Unmasked

Kendi is not a therapist. She's a normal teacher, but probably the closest thing I'll ever have to a supporter down here.

One of the reasons many of us support your idea of transfering elsewhere, perhaps Michigan State - so that you will have more than only one supportive person in your life. If you are full of doubt, and surrounded by negativity, one supporter is not enough.

Being on the "B-side" is a bit different, because there's elements of bisexual erasure coming from both sides,

Definitely. I've experienced much of that.

and as I've thought on it more, I've been kind of tending more towards absolutely gay, not so much out of losing my attraction to women or being more attracted to men, but just getting tired of women. I've had so many bad relationships with women who don't know what they want that I'm tired of it. Everytime they say forever it seems to mean "until I find somebody better than you". I know somewhere in the back of my mind that it's not a gender specific issue, but sometimes it feels that way.

You're correct that's not a gender issue. There were times when I felt little to nothing for either men or women, but then it always shifted. I think feeling some sense of 'shift' is a common experience among bisexuals but that's just a guess based on a few of us. Anyway, don't make your feelings a source of worry. They may shift around with time. Don't look for a gender. Look for an individual with whom you connect and feel good.


I guess I am worried about it. I mean, my roommate doesn't know that I like boys, although he does know that I support full benefits for domestic partnerships and all of that. Maybe I am afraid that being fully out would end in rejection. I do want to be somewhere where I can be out.

I've always been scared. The only person in my family that knows is my little brother. We're as close as we've ever been. He teases me about it sometimes, (mostly when I'm watching an indie film) just like he did when I was a vegetarian. My mom knows that my brother and I support equal rights, but I don't think she knows that I like boys. She insists that our support is just because it's popular. The biggest thing she was worried about was that I was going to get thrown out of school for being "too flamboyant" about my support. She was also worried that I was going to screw up "like I did in high school".

These fears are understandable. Facing them is the only way anyone has ever found of making them go away. Running from them, hiding from them, makes them seem scarier because it's like "Gee, if I have to hide in this dark closet all the time, I must REALLY be in danger." Hiding from a fear teaches your mind that the fear is all-powerful.

Your mom's choice of words is really interesting. "Flamboyant" is a word frequently lofted at gay men. Do you think she is wondering about you?

Lastly, none of us know what is meant by 'screw up like (you) did in high school.'

I'm really sorry if I sound stupid at all. I'm really tired right now, and...yeah, I'm gonna stop.

Now stop that - you don't sound 'stupid.' You sound extremely stressed. Do what you must to get unstressed (in healthy, safe ways ONLY) and then when you're calmer make plans to get in a safe, positive place where you can be you.

[BruceChris]

Just wait until you see the list of things that cause biblically literal fundamentalists.

And stop and think about just what it is that's causing you to be afraid, when this happens to you. Reacting to fear without thinking is probably the biggest cause of fundies.

Peace and Love, Bruce Chris

[tymejumper]

Originally Posted by Steven E. Webster

I bet they called you "Robert" instead of "Bob"---that'll turn you queer every time!

No no no, it's Bobby, you HAVE to add the 'y' at the end or else it won't make you gay!

Do you tink that's why I am a lesbian? I am named Rebekah, but my Mummy called my Becky!

[Unmasked]

I was Bobby as a little kid. I got sick of it around junior high, but it followed me.

I had no drive when I was in high school. I got depressed really easily and didn't see the point in doing anything. I'm not used to doing things for myself. Anything that didn't get me a pat on the head and a few minutes of spotlight was never something that I wanted to do. Attention is the only thing that I've ever really craved, but I've always wanted a lot of it. I hate saying that, because that's one of the things that I've been taught to feel bad about. It's not always about me...it's never about me, always about the group, but sometimes I get frustrated with the group and their fake devotion. Yet I can't shake the feeling that this must make me a terrible person. After all, every time I've ever expressed these feelings I've been told that I'm wrong and that I need prayer...

[Daniel]

Originally Posted by Unmasked

I was Bobby as a little kid. I got sick of it around junior high, but it followed me.

I had no drive when I was in high school. I got depressed really easily and didn't see the point in doing anything. I'm not used to doing things for myself. Anything that didn't get me a pat on the head and a few minutes of spotlight was never something that I wanted to do. Attention is the only thing that I've ever really craved, but I've always wanted a lot of it. I hate saying that, because that's one of the things that I've been taught to feel bad about. It's not always about me...it's never about me, always about the group, but sometimes I get frustrated with the group and their fake devotion. Yet I can't shake the feeling that this must make me a terrible person. After all, every time I've ever expressed these feelings I've been told that I'm wrong and that I need prayer...

I remember the exact moment that I started thinking of myself as Daniel and not Danny (though there are a few- and I mean a very few who I allow- because of the trust established between us- to call me the latter).

It's about coming into one's own.

Attention? Honey....you deserve it! Lots of it!

I've worked in the arts for the last 20 years or so- and can tell you all about needing and wanting attention. That's what it's all about. Sure. It can become a neurotic negative pattern for some (the old New Yorker Cartoon put it aptly with the guy at the cocktail party saying: "Enough about me....what do you think of me?"), but that's not what I'm taking about. We all need strokes, to feel that the work we are doing is important, means something, matters in the end. That we aren't just taking up parking space.

Please don't apologize for knowing what you need and want. To my way of thinking that's the first step towards getting it.

Listen to me carefully here: you are not a terrible person. You don't come off that way at all. You come off as someone who's been sidelined by the someone else's agenda.

How about thinking outside the box for a second? You could feed your need for attention by going and taking an acting class, developing a craft- say painting or writing or anything else you can imagine. The point here is that when you can become curious about something, you will become so involved in it that you will start to blossom. Funny- but to become ourselves we have to forget about ourselves (become unself-conscious). And you know when you are in the flow when time and space drop away. You're doing something you are really involved and...oops....you forget to eat lunch. That's the kind of state of mind that leads towards external success and inner fullfillment.

This is what the best performer's do. They know (for the most part) exactly what they are doing, but do it in a way that is effortless. They shine out light rather than suck it in. They radiate.

Robert- I know what you are talking about. I want- and crave- a lot of attention too- even at the age of 49- and I don't mind saying it. And I'm in the process of doing stuff (writing) that will make that happen in some measure in my career of choice.

But let's be clear here, the search for love and attention has to be reciprocal. The energy can't be going all one way. Ya gotta give what you want to have. First one learns to give attention to what one wants out of life. Then one give attention to those who can help one achieve it. Then it becomes an endless circle, for truly, we never do anything worth doing alone.