Could I have done things differently?

[ctozrn]

Hey everyone,

I used to post here quite regularly but for some time now have been a lazy lurker I had an experience this week that I am not sure how I should have handled it.

I am a hospice nurse. I was on call a few night s ago on the phones. I got a call from an older gentleman who called in to say that a patient of ours was now in the hospital and not expected to make it. It was about 5:30 in the morning. He wanted me to call our doctor at hospice and let him know. I asked him who he was in relation to the pt, which is a question I always ask. He told me that he was his "next of kin" I told him I would pass his message to the doctor. That was it. I had a feeling though....So today I read his obituary online. This man was in his 70's, worked in the theater all of his life, and was survived by the man that I spoke to on the phone, his "companion" of 45 years.

I cried when I read it. I wish I had known. I wish when he called that he could have told me it was his partner. I was sympathetic on the phone but I would have been even more so....He was losing his partner and all he said was he was the next of kin. I guess it was the way gay men of their generation have had to handle things. They came from a time when it was not safe to say who they are.... I see this a lot. Partners who are afraid to say...Sometimes I come out to them and tell them that I too have a partner. Today though I have just cried. Wishing that I knew and could have provided more support. At the time I wasn't sure if he was calling about his uncle, brother, neighbor. Now I know he was calling about the love of his life.

[keltic63]

Originally Posted by ctozrn

Hey everyone,

I used to post here quite regularly but for some time now have been a lazy lurker I had an experience this week that I am not sure how I should have handled it.

I am a hospice nurse. I was on call a few night s ago on the phones. I got a call from an older gentleman who called in to say that a patient of ours was now in the hospital and not expected to make it. It was about 5:30 in the morning. He wanted me to call our doctor at hospice and let him know. I asked him who he was in relation to the pt, which is a question I always ask. He told me that he was his "next of kin" I told him I would pass his message to the doctor. That was it. I had a feeling though....So today I read his obituary online. This man was in his 70's, worked in the theater all of his life, and was survived by the man that I spoke to on the phone, his "companion" of 45 years.

I cried when I read it. I wish I had known. I wish when he called that he could have told me it was his partner. I was sympathetic on the phone but I would have been even more so....He was losing his partner and all he said was he was the next of kin. I guess it was the way gay men of their generation have had to handle things. They came from a time when it was not safe to say who they are.... I see this a lot. Partners who are afraid to say...Sometimes I come out to them and tell them that I too have a partner. Today though I have just cried. Wishing that I knew and could have provided more support. At the time I wasn't sure if he was calling about his uncle, brother, neighbor. Now I know he was calling about the love of his life.

you did what you needed to do as part of your job. It's only now, afterward, that you realize you could have done more to help one of our community, and that hurts. Could you now, having read the obituary, make some contact with the partner and offer words of condolences?

[Jennifer5]

There wasn't anything more you could've done.

I'm sorry that you have been put in a situation where you feel so bad, you had no way of knowing.

[Vanessa White]

Hindsight is so 20/20, isn't it? In the moment, you did what I think many of us would have done; fulfilled the wishes of a dying patient at the request of that person's next of kin. There is no way you could have known what that meant. I agree with keltic, if there is a way to reconnect with his partner that could be very comforting to him, and healing for you. And, it may have given you insight in how to help a person in the future should it arise. But please don't beat yourself up about it. You are terrific at what you do, and your patients know that.

[Emproph]

Vanessa White: "if there is a way to reconnect with his partner that could be very comforting to him, and healing for you."
---

Originally Posted by ctozrn

He told me that he was his "next of kin" I told him I would pass his message to the doctor. That was it. I had a feeling though...

My first thought was as Keltic and Vanessa suggested, to contact him and express just what you did here. The last paragraph of your post was perfect. A letter is what came to mind for me.

And as Vanessa said too about your experience: "And, it may have given you insight in how to help a person in the future should it arise."

That's why I emboldened the part above. Sometimes practice makes perfect, and the fact that you already "had a feeling," is definitely something to take note of. Perhaps consider ways that you could prolong an interaction like that, when you get a "feeling," in a way that makes them feel comfortable enough to engage with you further.

It's definitely an art to be able to "say" or "ask" things, without actually doing so outright.

And an important life-skill too I might add.

[scott snedeker]

As a doc I can appreciaate the desire of affording all the help possible. Sometimes that meant coming out to a patient. But doing your best changes with the times, circumstances and your own evolution.

As a young physician I had unlimited passion, spirit but limited experience. I dare say the first two helped compensate for the third.

Now as a seasoned doc I have to strategically economized the first two as my passion and spirit are no longer exuberant and rely on my experience to compensate to offer comfort.

Don't ever allow slef judgement to beat you up. You did your best. there can be no flaw in that.

I suggest picking up a copy of Don Miguel Ruiz's The Four Agreements There is a lesson ripe for you there.

[ctozrn]

Thanks everyone! I learn something new everyday. I think maybe in these situations listening to your gut goes a long way. I may connect with this man. I have all his information. I am still thinking about a note or a phone call. Not sure yet....

It also brings to mind another thought about another situation I see a lot. If you have a same sex partner please get papers! Have Healthcare Power of Attorney papers drawn up. You do not have to go to a lawyer, at least in my state, just have them notarized. This ensures that your partner can make health care decisions for you in case you can not.This protects us and gives you and your partner some of the same rights as married couples. Make sure your doc also has a copy.

Thanks for the support!

[keltic63]

Originally Posted by Emproph

That's why I emboldened the part above. Sometimes practice makes perfect, and the fact that you already "had a feeling," is definitely something to take note of. Perhaps consider ways that you could prolong an interaction like that, when you get a "feeling," in a way that makes them feel comfortable enough to engage with you further.

It's definitely an art to be able to "say" or "ask" things, without actually doing so outright.

And an important life-skill too I might add.

I have been paying more attention to "hunches" because I believe they are messages from the universe that can help us.

in christian terms, maybe hunches are the Holy Spirit telling us something we need to know. in more "spiritual" but less judeo-christian terms, the hunches can help us connect to others, react with wisdom, and help us follow our intuition. you've learned a lesson here, so next time.....yes, next time, you'll know what to do.

[Daniel]

Originally Posted by keltic63

I have been paying more attention to "hunches" because I believe they are messages from the universe that can help us.
.

This is something I learned from the Buddhists. It's a saying that applies to intuition.

Sometimes it's a feeling, or a realization, a sense memory, or even a smell: sometimes I smell my grandmother's powder that she wore and 'know' that she is with me. And it's something I accept rather than logic out.

I like the way it's put in Christian terms.

That Still Small Voice.

And the trick, as I see it, is to be able to listen to that Voice in the midst of the hurricane we call life.

I agree with Scotty ctozrn- there's not sense in beating yourself up. And guess what? You have an open heart. That's what came across to me loud and clear in your message.

And while it hurts, it's a really good thing too. You are making a difference.

God Bless You.