She Came Back!!!!!

[pnggrad79]

I am so excited to tell you guys that after much crying and tears, prayer and heartbreak, my wife decided to come back and work on our problems together. I entered anger mgmt classes every week for 8 weeks and I hope that plus some Zoloft will keep me from reaching the boiling point. We are going to gay relationships counseling starting tomorrow.

She came home Friday night and I began sobbing, begging her not to leave me one more night alone. She held me and I asked her to forgive me and I fell asleep in her arms. Saturday we went to eat seafood in my hometown some 2 hours away and had a good long talk on the way. I wasn't sure she was staying Saturday night, so I told her that we couldn't work on our together problems being separated. I promised to work on separate problems separately, and our together problems together. She finally relented and spent the night Saturday night with me. On Sunday we rearranged our budget and she said that I was right and that she needed to be home with me.

So she is back and in my life!!! We have a lot of work to do on our relationship and I am committed to doing that for as long as it takes to regain her trust. I said there needed to be two non negotiables in our marriage. One is I don't get violent, and two, she doesn't leave.

Thank you to all of you who helped me through that tumultuous week and through the heartbreak. I wouldn't have made it without you guys and your tremendous understanding, support and advice. Thank you so much ! Keep praying for us!!

[Zerbie]

Wow, congrats on the new beginning! It sounds like you are really committed to building new ways to deal with whatever conflicts arise, without resorting to those reactions which threaten the relationship. I'm proud of you PNG, for acknowledging the things you have to work on and setting a concrete plan for doing so, for your devotion to your relationship, and for courage in facing everything so bravely.

I'm happy for you both that you are committed to working out the rough spots and (re)building a truly happy, successful marriage.


May you be blessed along the way.

[keltic63]

good luck! I was just complaining to someone yesterday that relationships are such difficult things. Glad to see you're committed to the hard work.


and yes, being a couple can be difficult, but it also provides the most wonderful experiences!

[pnggrad79]

I agree with you Keltic, and thanks for the encouragement, Zerb.

I told her last night after counseling and anger mgmt class that I wanted to feel safe in our relationship and I wanted to make her feel safe. I said that my not exploding and throwing things would make her feel safe and her not leaving would make me feel safe. I told her that she needed to be in tune with my emotions to the point that if she saw me starting to ascend toward rage, that she needed to have a plan of how WE could defuse the situation, maybe walk away for awhile (but not for good) and in our time away, get out of ourselves and our selfish motives and consider what would be good for the RELATIONSHIP and not ourselves inidividually per se. I just want to know how to do that. It sounds good in theory, but how do I come off my staunch position when I am mad and learn to make compromises where both of us win? That is what I want to learn to do.

Anybody out who can give me some pointers or advice, it is much appreciated! You all have helped me so much through this-it is priceless! Thank you so much!!!!

[Vanessa White]

I am so glad that BOTH of you are willing to work at this and make changes to go into the future. Always it is about both not one, making the changes. Also, each one of you having individuality that then only adds to the connection that you have to one another. It is certainly desirable to feel so connected to a partner that we feel lost without them; it is always good though to have a full sense of self, so that we have even more to bring to that partnership.


As far as your anger and how quickly it gets consuming, this information about human behavior may be of help to you. I have mentioned Choice Theory, and Dr. William Glasser here in the past. His theory about human behavior is this: when we do whatever it is that we do as humans, we are always doing it in order to meet one of more of the basic human needs. He lists what those are, five of them, but I won't go on about that part. THe part that I believe most applies here is his theory of human behavior having four aspects: Thinking, Doing, Feeling, and Physiology. He equates the four aspects of behavior, which are ALWAYS present, with the four wheels of a front wheel drive car. The thinking and doing aspects of behavior are the front wheels, feeling and physiology on the rear. What this means is two things: First, that we have control over all aspects of our behavior, but our most direct control is over our thinking and feeling behaviors. The other thing if a person changes one aspect, the other "wheels" will follow suit. So, if you first explore deeply and on an ongoing basis what "need" you are trying to meet with your anger- power, freedom- and then begin to change your thinking and doing. Then, the emotions will tame down. And you will begin to have the understanding of your own ability to control it. You have that control now, you just have to teach yourself that you do, because it has become a reaction of sorts. There are always certain thoughts that preceed our actions; we just need to sort out and sift through what they are. But they are there.....

I hope this is helpful. Take it one day, sometimes one moment at a time. I wish you all the best......

[Mia14]

It sounds like the two of you are on a good path. Keltic is right, it is work! My gal and I were just talking about it the other day, hehehe.

But it's going to be so wonderful for you in 10 years when you look back on all the work you put into the relationship and then turn to your wife and see so much love. Nothing is more valuable than that and it's the best investment we'll ever make.

[BruceChris]

PNG, I'm no expert, but having friends and knowing when to ask for help would seem to be a good resource to make use of. Whether it's a professional counsellor, or just a good mutual friend, it's always better to have someone to talk too. I like Vanessa's approach.

And I think that it is both brave and honest for you to admit to having such a high profile role in the crises that occur. I offer you my support, for what it is worth.

Peace and Love, Bruce Chris

[tymejumper]

OH! I am so glad that it is working out for you! If you are both willing to work on your marriage, you will suceed. I think that the hard times are what makes us so much stronger. Think of it like a sword. First you have to shape it out of metal, then you put it into a fire to make it harder and stronger, to change it so it lasts. That is like a relationship in my book, needs pain and fire to make it stronger.