Who is my family?

[paul]

I was thinking about this today. So many in the BLGT community are estranged from their "families" once they are open and authentic. Or, they are estranged from their families because they are hidden away in a closet and unknown by their families.

Jesus had an interesting take on family, he said "who is my family..? those who do the will of God." And what is the "will of God?" It's all summed up in "love."

I have, after many years of meditating on love, concluded that a primary aspect of love is to see and validate people. I mean, really know the person. The deeper we dig, the more we know, the more we can recognize, affirm, the value of that person. And to me, that is love summed up, valuing a person for who and what they are.

I cannot make anyone be my family (including blood relatives), but I can be family to those I encounter. I cannot make someone love me, but I can love.

Many people here are my family. I am loved. And I want to be family to you. We are not born into this family once...it's a daily birth. Family is alive and full of hope.

[BenL]

Thanks for this topic, Paul. You are family to me/us. This is hard to realize sometimes in this weird cyberportal to another reality than our daily lives.

Jesus had some difficult words about family: how what he stands for can pit family members against each other. He also had his version of a cyberfamily, the disciples. But they abandoned him in his time of trial. So when I hear people extolling contemporary family values in the name of religion, I wonder just how well they understand the scriptures.

The law of love is primary. You're right there, Paul. We often forget the part of it that tells us to love ourselves as much as God does. If we're made in the image and likeness of God, as Genesis says, then we have to be able to see the god-ness in ourselves. That has been my major work in therapy over the last two years. I learned well the lesson my bio-family and community taught me: Hate yourself for you are queer; if you hate yourself enough maybe God will love you. That is the perversion, not my sexuality or yours.

I, too, love this Soulforce family, but I find myself running hot and cold, wandering away from it. Then someone loving like you pulls me back in, and my heart thrills to be here again. Thank you, Paul.

[Zerbie]

Originally Posted by paul

I was thinking about this today. So many in the BLGT community are estranged from their "families" once they are open and authentic. Or, they are estranged from their families because they are hidden away in a closet and unknown by their families.

Jesus had an interesting take on family, he said "who is my family..? those who do the will of God." And what is the "will of God?" It's all summed up in "love."

I have, after many years of meditating on love, concluded that a primary aspect of love is to see and validate people. I mean, really know the person. The deeper we dig, the more we know, the more we can recognize, affirm, the value of that person. And to me, that is love summed up, valuing a person for who and what they are.

I cannot make anyone be my family (including blood relatives), but I can be family to those I encounter. I cannot make someone love me, but I can love.

Many people here are my family. I am loved. And I want to be family to you. We are not born into this family once...it's a daily birth. Family is alive and full of hope.

How beautiful, Paul, and how true.


Yes, you are loved.
You have excellent sight, Paul, you are on a rocket ship to wisdom.

As a child, I saw my biological family getting caught up in surfaces and distortions, and a rift between us grew and grew. It was finalized the day I saw Jerry Falwell on TV and the horrible fight with my mother ensued. My mom backed away from me with horror, pulling her hands back to avoid touching me. My stomach sank and I thought, "Now I have no family at all; I am completely alone in the world." Alone in my room later, I remembered that I had a world-wide family in those who stood for love no matter the cost. Waiting to find you some day was difficult because I was lonely and wanted to be with my family right away. But I did find you, -- here you are.

Originally Posted by BenL

The law of love is primary. You're right there, Paul. We often forget the part of it that tells us to love ourselves as much as God does. If we're made in the image and likeness of God, as Genesis says, then we have to be able to see the god-ness in ourselves. That has been my major work in therapy over the last two years. I learned well the lesson my bio-family and community taught me: Hate yourself for you are queer; if you hate yourself enough maybe God will love you. That is the perversion, not my sexuality or yours.

.

Brilliant!! Brilliantly expressed as well.
Theirs is a terrible perversion, and they want to teach it to others. Love is the law, and why does it cost so much to keep it in this world? (Question was on my mind yesterday. Why does it cost so much to love? Does anyone else think it shouldn't?)

Thank you for the topic, guys.

[paul]

You Ben, are definately part of the family I spoke of. I wish we could take our Soulforce family and transplant us all to the same neighborhood. We'd be eating together all the time.

I think hot and cold is just normal. Finally, we are "normal" . I think where love shows itself is that it doesn't let hot or cold dominate it.

I think we come to a place where honesty rules over even the desire to be accepted by our so called family. We come to realize that having to hide to gain acceptance from "God" or family just isn't truly being loved or acceptance...it's delusion. And of course, "God" knows us all along. It is when we make family (people), and their particular ideas "God" that we become idol worshippers and sell our lives for the appearance of love. That's death.

[Zerbie]

Originally Posted by paul

You Ben, are definately part of the family I spoke of. I wish we could take our Soulforce family and transplant us all to the same neighborhood. We'd be eating together all the time.
.

And Danny will cook!!!!!!

(Still steaming about having to miss Danny's party. . . I can't believe it. I can't believe it. )

[BlueGirl]

Originally Posted by paul

\
I cannot make anyone be my family (including blood relatives), but I can be family to those I encounter. I cannot make someone love me, but I can love.

Many people here are my family. I am loved. And I want to be family to you. We are not born into this family once...it's a daily birth. Family is alive and full of hope.

Dear Paul,
What you said touched me very deeply, especially so because of my own family situation. I was just thinking the other day of what Jesus said concerning who His family is. The subject of "family" really hits home with me because of my own personal experiences with my blood relatives and how over the years, they've accused me of not caring about my "family" if I didn't do certain things they thought I should. And just yesterday, a certain woman that I was talking to, someone who is neither a blood relative nor a friend, and who was ranting and raving about other things she thinks I should and shouldn't do concerning personal life choices (not about my being gay), implied that I should put up with any mean, hateful treatment that my sister dishes out because she is "family". I don't feel that way at all. The only people I consider family are ones who truly love and care about me and who show it, such as my friend June and my cat Tigger. But it sure doesn't include my blood relatives.

If it's ok with you, I would indeed like to be considered a part of your family. Thanks.

BlueGirl

[paul]

Bluegirl,

Thank you for your addition to the discussion. What I said is true...I have poured out my guts here at SF and been heard and accepted and affirmed...I have also listened to and loved several of the people here, connected. It is almost magical when it happens, a two way love and giving. I know you are lonely and hurting and hope you will indeed find yourself to be part of this family and know this magic here too.
paul

[BlueGirl]

Thanks Paul.

BlueGirl

[scott snedeker]

Originally Posted by Zerbie

As a child, I saw my biological family getting caught up in surfaces and distortions, and a rift between us grew and grew. It was finalized the day I saw Jerry Falwell on TV and the horrible fight with my mother ensued. My mom backed away from me with horror, pulling her hands back to avoid touching me. My stomach sank and I thought, "Now I have no family at all; I am completely alone in the world." Alone in my room later, I remembered that I had a world-wide family in those who stood for love no matter the cost. Waiting to find you some day was difficult because I was lonely and wanted to be with my family right away. But I did find you, -- here you are.

Zerbie Sweetheart! You will never be alone!

But your story of your family Illustrates the cause of suffering as outlined in the second of The Four Noble Truths of Buddhist teaching outlined by Jack Kornfield.

Fear and attachment to a conspiracy of the illusion of control by your mother caused her suffering and yours. What you did was express your acknowlegdement of that suffering in yourself. A courageous step indeed.

This courage is expression of your capacity to love, to acknowledge. "We will meet your capacity to inflict suffering with our capacity to endure suffering.....we will not hate you but we will not in a all good consciousness obey your unjust laws....."--MLK

And it seems that you have identified that the path that your mother was following was without heart and therefore meaningless. You seized the freedom to choose a path with heart and it has made all the difference.

[Zerbie]

Thank you Scotty,


I am still working to understand what you've written here.
I know that I refused what the adults around me were offering because it was not good. Still working on resolving the various issues that came up because of it.

Thank you, Scotty.

[Vanessa White]

I feel very fortunate that my family of origin, has generally, been very loving and understanding in embracing my sexual identity. Actually, I think that is mainly because I didn't give them a choice; I basically told them that this is the way it is, and they don't say much to me, or in front of me, I guess to save my feelings. Who knows what is said by mainly my dad in my absence, because I know that he struggles with it at times.

Here, I have found full solace, love and understanding. It comes from a genuine place, a place where we may all honestly lay out who we are, what we want, and what we feel, without judgment, remorse, anxiety (not as much, anyway). We agree, we disagree. We laugh, we cry, we vent, we explain, we inform and educate one another.

I feel blessed to be part of this online community of family. I really don't know that I could ever, permanently do without all of you.

:l ove:

[antiochian]

Blood doesn't make a family, just shared genes.

Love makes a true family.

[BruceChris]

After my church, that is.

Peace and Love, Bruce Chris

[tymejumper]

HEre is my extended family definately. We all feel safe to come here and say what we need to and get some relief. I too had some not accept me for being a lesbian. I finally told my father and grandmother and brother that I ma gay, that is how I am and they don;t have to like it, but htey have to treat my wife with respect and refrain form gay bashing in front of me. Then, I would agree to spend time with them. Otherwise, I would walk away and never look back. I explained that I was WAY to old to need their approval, so don't even try that and also my God and religion wasw different from theirs so can that too. I have very little to do with them now. At least my father did call me and invite us out to lunch to meet my wife. Unfortunatly, I think the only reason that he did that was to be able to say that he 'tried' and take credit for it. There are a whole lot of passive agressiveness in the family to say the least!

I told my brother he wa very ignorant if he thought that family was only blood linked. Love does make a family and people need to remember that. I found friends and affirming people I count as my family far more than I do my biologicals.

[BlueGirl]

I'd just like to say that I am glad I found this site and to be a part of this family even though we don't always agree on things. Thanks for including me.

BlueGirl