wanting support

[dustinsugg]

Hi, My Name is Dustin, I am on here in search of support. I am a 23 year old gay man living in Southeast missouri. I guess you could say I am partially out of the closet because many of my friends know, but my family does not. I am tired of living this secret life. Everyone always wants to know why I am so secretive about everything and why I am so irritable all the time and its because I feel like I cannot be my true self around them.
Southeast Missouri is not a very good place to be out. There is a lot of hate here for people who are gay or of a different race. I have heard there are still active KKK groups here. Its very scary to think about! My moms family would love and accept me, but not be very happy with the idea. I have a cousin who is out and I know how they feel about it. They still welcome him with love and open arms but do not like or accept his lifestyle. My dads family would go totally crazy. They are very closed minded and hypocritical. Not very accepting of the idea of being gay.
I found this organization and felt I had found a new hope. I want to improve myself and move foward with my life as well as help others in my home area that are dealing with the same thing. I would love to help the people here understand that this is the way we are born and you should still treat us the same as u do anyone else and I think with the help of Soulforce I can do that.
So, I am here, I hope to meet some awesome people and make some great new lifelong friends. And hopefully with the support and strength I gain from here I can find someone to love who will in return love me because I am so tired of this lonely feeling I have inside. I have prayed many time for God to guide me and help make me feel whole and I belive that he sent me here. So please dont hesitate to ask me questions and give me advise!

Thank you,
Dustin

[Daniel]

Originally Posted by dustinsugg

Hi, My Name is Dustin, I am on here in search of support. I am a 23 year old gay man living in Southeast missouri. I guess you could say I am partially out of the closet because many of my friends know, but my family does not. I am tired of living this secret life. Everyone always wants to know why I am so secretive about everything and why I am so irritable all the time and its because I feel like I cannot be my true self around them.

I went to Evangel College in Springfield -in the southwest corner of your state. Graduated in 1981. Taught and lived near Springfield for another two years before I moved back east to go to graduate school.

You are right. If I memory serves, your corner of the state is- politically and religiously- very conservative. That would make being an out gay man a challenge. And the western corner isn't that much better!

Several things come to mind, perhaps the most important being that I would encourage you to think about coming out to your family only after you have a very supportive network of friends and connections. In the latter category, you might contact PFlag in your area and see what services they provide, if there are meetings in the area. As well, I would be in contact with any local organizations that might be of help to you. The critical thing is to reach out- as you are doing here. That makes things a great deal easier.

You know your family better than anyone, and if you feel that your father's family would not react well, then they probably won't, at least not in the short term. But you know what? People can surprise us. I think one has to approach the matter of coming out on a person by person basis.

You mention your desire in finding someone to love.

I've been in several relationships and can tell you this: it doesn't hurt to have had some counseling. If you are working on yourself- talking care of your own issues- it makes one's relationships work a lot better. And I know it can sound trite, but the more you can love and accept yourself, the more others will respond in kind. And you know something? My perspective is that when we are taking care of our own business and enjoying life, that's when love finds us.

You also mention the desire to be whole.

How about the idea that you are whole already? That you are Ok just the way you are right now? Sure. I bet there are plenty of things you would like to improve on in your life, but the essential Dustin is precious and whole just the way he is.

That said, there is something to be aware of: internalized homophobia.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Homophobia

Internalized homophobia
Internalized homophobia (or egodystonic homophobia) refers to homophobia as a prejudice carried by individuals against homosexual manifestations in themselves and others. It causes severe discomfort with or disapproval of one's own sexual orientation. Internalized homophobia is thus a form of cognitive dissonance; the individual cannot reconcile the conflicting conscious or unconscious sexual desires with values and tenets gained from society, religion or upbringing.

Such a situation may cause extreme repression of homosexual desires. In other cases, a conscious internal struggle may occur for some time, often pitting deeply held religious or social beliefs against strong sexual and emotional desires. This discordance often causes clinical depression, and the unusually high suicide rate among gay teenagers (up to 30 percent of non-heterosexual youth attempt suicide) has been attributed to this phenomenon.

This is why it's good to find a therpist to help one work out things.

I wasn't out when I was at Evangel College (an AoG school), and can remember how I felt then. It was awful. And looking back, I can see that I was dealing with feelings of anxiety and depression. It took me a while to deal with those feelings, even after I came out to my family. And their being religiously conservative didn't make thing go well- I have to say. Still, I am forever glad that I did. For me, it heralded the beginning of a whole new life.

Lastly, I would encourage you to takes things slowly. You don't have to hurry the process. That said, opportunity can come arrive in unexpected ways. And if you find that happening, I would seize the day.

I hope you will stick around that share your journey with us.

[Rick336]

Dustin,

Welcome to Soulforce. Glad to have you here. I think you'll find a lot of positive feedback and support from this group.

Feel free to open up as much as you want here. You're among friends.

Rick

[tymejumper]

Welcome to Soulforce. Many of us came here because we needed support and acceptance. I hope you stay and find what you seek.

Much Metta,
Rebekah

[Gennee]

Hi Dustin and well to Soulforce. You are whole and God loves you as you are. I understand your desire to come out but seeing a therapist to sort things out is a good idea. This is a great site so feel free to pour your heart out.

Gennee

[sawyer]

Welcome Dustin!

My rural area is considered a redneck area too but I haven't had one negative incident despite my flying the rainbow flag in the front yard from time to time. My family is probably just as conservative as yours and when I publicly came out at a family reunion (with 4 pastors present),some told me I wasn't and never was a christian but that actually was a positive thing in freeing me from having to be their kind of christian.

If you are quite masculine, I dont think you have to worry about coming out. The conservative world primarily has a problem with people who are not gender specific. When you come out, they will look for feminine characterisics in you. If you dont wear a dress or lipstick you shouldnt have a problem. If you want to, long as you act tough, people shouldn't give you a hard time.

If your family goes crazy and you actually hear something that would be a good thing. What I got was hush-silence. You would think they would be a little curious but no, they dont want to think about it at all. No one in the community will tell you if they heard you are gay, you will have to ask them if you want to know what they think. But a few cousins who I expected to not have a problem didnt and voluntered their acceptance. Coming out helps identify your friends too.

[Zerbie]

Welcome, Dustin.

As it turns out, there is support for equality right in Missouri, though I have no idea how near or far this town is from you:
http://www.sevenstraightnights.org/article/67

[dustinsugg]

Thank you everyone for your advise and support. It definetly gave me some good ideas!

[Matt Algren]

The only thing that worries me about you not being out to your family is that when they do find out (and they will), you'll not only have to deal with their reaction to you liking men, but also their feelings about not having been told X years ago. It could complicate things. I know one person who came out to everybody but his parents and extended family, and an aunt caused hell when she found his myspace page. She, of course, called his parents to report to them rather than calling him.

OTOH, you know the situation better than I do. Just go into it with the understanding that eventually it will come out, whether it's next week or 20 years from now.

I have to say, one of the benefits of my coming out so relatively late (at 34) is that I wasn't concerned at all about what my parents' extended families thought. As you get older, they'll become less and less important in your world. My suggestion is that you forget about what they think about you and deal with what YOU think about you.




P.S. Now's a good time to take the word "lifestyle" out of your vocabulary.

[countrygirl7762]

Wow, my sister lives near Nevada, MO! They pastor a large church there, and have not been supportive to me about my bi-sexuality. They told me that they would help me receive counselling to "get out of it". I wish they could hear the message that Soulforce sends out!