It's so difficult

[suzer1013]

I guess this is just sort of a personal sharing of thoughts, for what it's worth...

Being a lesbian is so difficult sometimes. I have struggled with my faith, my understanding of God and religion -- both as a lesbian and in regards to spirituality that has nothing to do with my sexual orientation. Luckily, I grew up in a church that was open and loving to all people, gay or straight or anywhere on the spectrum. I have still had difficulty, just dealing with society, and now living in the South it seems especially difficult, and I often want to throw religion out of my life altogether and live a totally secular existence.

My partner has been pretty depressed lately, to the point that I'm really worried. She said to me this afternoon that she prays and prays, but sometimes her old Southern Baptist programming kicks back in and she thinks that God won't listen to her because she's a lesbian.

We've both been through therapy (years of it). We've both been to "affirming" churches. We've both been to the affirming websites like Whosoever and Soulforce. But still, sometimes, that programming just kicks in -- like it's hard wired. Sometimes I think no matter how much we hear the message that "God loves you" -- even over and over again -- because we are lesbians there will always be that question in the back of our head -- but does He/She really love you? Or are you just believing that to make yourself feel better? Spiritual violence is insidious.

I'm just feeling blue. Wishing I could help my partner, but not knowing how. We don't even know if we want anything to do with a church anymore, even an "affirming" one. We just had a very bad experience with the last "affirming" church, so we are gun-shy, so to speak. But I also think the right pastor might be able to help her (and me), but I don't know if we can find a pastor willing to help. I almost feel like we need Spiritual Therapy for gay people, to help "deprogram" all the negative messages we've received over the years.

It's frustrating, not knowing how to help her. I at least have a positive religious upbringing to draw from, but she doesn't have that. I wish I could erase all that for her. I wish she could have grown up in my church, and at least learned of a loving God, before she was taught about a hateful one.

Susan