existentially uncomfortable

[Zerbie]

Hey, I'm back with another new topic for ya.

Lately, I have been concentrating hard on my spiritual practice, trying to better see who I am and how I relate, and here's a question: What's constructive to do when you aren't happy with what you see?

Right now, what I see is all the distance between what I think I am (or want to be) and the way I behave/talk, etc, not coming anyplace close to living up to that.

So, I have re-commenced a meditation practice (for some very significant reasons, I lay it by very often b/c of problems with it), and every time I practice I feel significantly worse. My guess is, I have to face the worse in order to grow, but I have some doubts too that maybe it really is being counter-productive.

Hubby says I'm way hard on myself. But I am not getting a clear picture.

What's productive to do? Stop meditating? Last time I asked my yoga teacher about this he recommended reducing the time period - so I'm down to only a few minutes, and only in the morning. Whenever I meditate before bed these days, I end up having anxiety attacks.

Also generally speaking, how do you reconcile it if you perceive a gap between how you really believe you are, and how you are interacting with the world?

(Aw crap, re-reading this, it looks muddy as all h***! Does the question even make any sense?)