A different "Coming out" to church

[andrewlittle]

I wrote the following on my blog, in the hopes that some folk at my church might read it. Here, I am going to just bitch about the reaction.

When I "came out" to my Committee on Ministry and church about being diagnosed Bipolar II, they have responded in true (C)hristian fashion (as opposed to christian or Christ-like fashion). To paraphrase the report from both the COM nad session, "we are not sure someone who is mentally ill should be ministering to this church." God love 'em.

Of course, these are the same people who have complained that the articles I write on my personal blog "do not conform to the beliefs of the church."

The reaction to all kinds of emotional and mental disorders can be interesting, especially in my line of work. While you would think that church folk would investigate before coming to conclusions, that is really a quite rare occurance - church folk are no less prone to believing myths than any other groups. I have found this out firsthand recently. I announced to my Committee on Ministry and my church that I had been diagnosed with Bipolar II disease and, after twenty years of misdiagnoses, I am now on a much lower regimen of pills than I previously took for depression.

Now, it seems, no-one had too much difficulty with my previous addictive behavior or my depressions as such, since they were known issues. But Bipolar II, now that’s a different story - and the reaction is understandable when we take into account so little is known by the general public, except for the few movies about famous people. I will get some facts later.

The fact is that I have been Bipolar II for 10 to 20 years by the doctors estimation, and incorrectly medicated during that entire period. This left me susceptible to elevated and more severe mood swings, and occasionally prone to erratic behavior. Despite that, I have functioned well as a business person, a church administrator and a pastor - although the jury is still out as to how I perform as a pastor. One of the primary differences between Bipolar II and Bipolar I is that, in the first, there is no mania or psychosis to deal with - just long periods of either elevated or depressed mood with little in the “normal” range.

On my new meds, I am considerably more stable and experience far fewer drastic mood swings than I can ever remember. My depression is all but gone, although it could return - it’s just less likely to be as intense as it has been in the past. I have gotten much 0f my creativity back - initiative and creativity tend to take hikes during depressive episodes, no matter the cause. Given the potentially difficult times ahead, I feel much better equipped to handle them than I can remember ever being. Even poorly medicated, as I have been in the past, I have little difficulty functioning.

Now, my level of functioning should be so much better - as long as I take my meds. That is the critical condition. Just like other conditions that are physiological and result from a genetic predisposition, regulating meds is crucial. I see this as no different than taking my blood pressure cocktail and cholesterol lowering pills. It’s health maintenance and, just like BP and cholesterol, I know there are no “signs” or specific symptoms that go with it. The only appropriate choice is to stay on a preventative regimen.

There are some facts about Bipolar II disease that should be kept in mind:

It is not “manic depression” - that is only one form of Bipolar I.

Over 6 million Americans have Bipolar diesease - 2.6% of the population. It breaks down to approximately 1.6% having Bipolar I and 1.0% suffering Bipolar II. Diagnoses have increased drastically, but that is a result of better diagnostics, not a huge increase in occurance. In years past, it has been misdiagnosed and mis-treated as either depression at the more minor end and schizophrenia at the severe end of the spectrum.

Many famous artistic, creative and scientific have been Bipolar II (such as Albert Einstein, for instance), with minimal difficulties in day-to-day functioning. It is sometimes nicknamed the “creativity” illness.

Bipolar II is more easily manageable with meds than many other physiological disorders, once the appropriate regimen is determined. Even without meds, in between episodes of hypomania and depression, many people with bipolar II disease live normal lives. On meds, the incidents of both extremes are greatly reduced and, sometimes, almost totally eliminated.

During a hypomanic episode, elevated mood can manifest itself as either euphoria (feeling “high”) or as irritability.

Symptoms during improperly medicated hypomanic episodes include flying suddenly from one idea to the next; rapid, “pressured” speech; increased energy, with hyperactivity and decreased need for sleep. People experiencing hypomanic episodes are often quite pleasant to be around. They can often seem like the “life of the party” — making jokes, taking an intense interest in other people and activities, and infecting others with their positive mood. The danger is that the more elevated the hypomania, the more severe the crash into depression.

Depressive episodes in improperly medicated bipolar II disease are similar to “regular” clinical depression, with depressed mood, loss of pleasure, low energy and activity, feelings of guilt or worthlessness, and sometimes thoughts of suicide. Depressive symptoms of bipolar disorder can last weeks, months, or sometimes even years.

I hope this helps some, at least, understand the nature of the disease and those who suffer from it.

[Zerbie]

It sounds like the folks at your church don't know that the depth of our knowledge and strength is often sourced in our difficulties.
Did you anticipate this reaction?

[andrewlittle]

Originally Posted by Zerbie

It sounds like the folks at your church don't know that the depth of our knowledge and strength is often sourced in our difficulties.
Did you anticipate this reaction?

I don't keep secrets becuase theya re the things will hurt you worst in the end - or so I thought.

I didn't anticipate this outcome because 3 of the 4 elders are in various aspects of medicine and should know about the condition. There is, as usual, a big gap between what one knows and the biases one carries with them.

The sad thing is the only recourse I may have is to go on sick leave and prepare for being on disability. Right now, I'm hovering pretty low on my mood scale.

[keltic63]

Originally Posted by andrewlittle

I don't keep secrets becuase theya re the things will hurt you worst in the end - or so I thought.

I didn't anticipate this outcome because 3 of the 4 elders are in various aspects of medicine and should know about the condition. There is, as usual, a big gap between what one knows and the biases one carries with them.

That's very interesting, but not all that surprising. my ex is a nurse, but never did well when our kids were sick. There always seems to be some disconnect when it becomes a bit more personal.

The sad thing is the only recourse I may have is to go on sick leave and prepare for being on disability. Right now, I'm hovering pretty low on my mood scale.

may I ask how you're feeling? Does it feel like your job performance is being affected? I understand how this would put you in a low mood, and that certainly doesn't motivate one to do one's best for the employer.... but I'm thinking more along the lines of what I told my kids and a few others when I first came out as gay: I've always been this way, YOU just have new information about me. If you've been doing the job, and continue to do the job, how does this new piece of info change the conditions of your employment?

[andrewlittle]

Originally Posted by keltic63

That's very interesting, but not all that surprising. my ex is a nurse, but never did well when our kids were sick. There always seems to be some disconnect when it becomes a bit more personal.

may I ask how you're feeling? Does it feel like your job performance is being affected? I understand how this would put you in a low mood, and that certainly doesn't motivate one to do one's best for the employer.... but I'm thinking more along the lines of what I told my kids and a few others when I first came out as gay: I've always been this way, YOU just have new information about me. If you've been doing the job, and continue to do the job, how does this new piece of info change the conditions of your employment?

This may get a little long. I have long called myself functionally insane - I actually told that to the search committee at the church. Now that I have a diagnosis, it actually makes me feel better in a way. I knew there was something beyond depression and PTSD, but never knew what.

I have functioned pretty well all along, even when in the depths of depression. It has been worse the last six months before being diagnosed, but I still functioned. The trouble is, for me, that i functioned adequately - I am more of a perfectionist than that. I am an over achiever.

So now to your question? This is me - this is who i have always been, except more stable now than ever before. personality wise, though, I'm me. And that me is being rejected lock, stock and barrel because of what others think about a particular facet of my being. (yeah, I knew what you are asking). Yes, I feel violated and rejected because of what makes me me. It must be something akin to what you felt - I think.

[Daniel]

I hate it. Simply hate it that supposedly educated people are treating you this way. It stinks. Simply stinks!

Ok. Mini rant over. Or maybe not......

Your mood may be low right now. But I am wondering it there is a learning curve here. The reaction by these elders is only a first- and one would hope- not their final response.

Damn it Andy! No good deed goes unpunished. That must be how it feels right now.

I circle you with thoughts of peace and love (despite my rage).

Oh...much much much much love to you.

[Rick336]

..."we are not sure someone who is mentally ill should be ministering to this church."

What?!! See. This is why I have such a problem with.......(bites tongue).

This is wrong.


Rick

[Zerbie]

I have a great idea. Let's make this interesting:

Everyone who isn't perfect or who has ever made a mistake in the past is unqualified to minister in the church.

Let them chew on that for a while.

[andrewlittle]

Originally Posted by Rick336

What?!! See. This is why I have such a problem with.......(bites tongue).

This is wrong.


Rick

I appreciate your effort at biting your tongue, Rick, but it isn't necessary for me.

The reason i'm in ministry in the first place is that i am one of the loudest critics of churches and
(C)hristians as they are. I much prefer the little "c" little-Christs - you know the ones that may not necessarily associate with an organized church.

Anyway, thanks. It is wrong, and the fight is just starting to well up inside me.

[Zerbie]

Originally Posted by andrewlittle

I appreciate your effort at biting your tongue, Rick, but it isn't necessary for me.

The reason i'm in ministry in the first place is that i am one of the loudest critics of churches and
(C)hristians as they are. I much prefer the little "c" little-Christs - you know the ones that may not necessarily associate with an organized church.

Anyway, thanks. It is wrong, and the fight is just starting to well up inside me.

Ah, you know, this relates to my questioning in the 'what is a christian' thread.

I always thought that getting involved in a church was the way to ensure that you're only hanging around people who are extremely unchristlike, and that the way to real religion was to avoid church. Therefore I became an atheist.

Since some of you are heavily invested in your churches and obviously not entirely unchristlike, I became interested in revisiting the topic to see if I had in fact thrown the baby out with the bathwater.

It appears to depend upon the church.

[u-dog]

I am totally pissed that once more my church is engaged in flushing its most talented members down the toilet. The Church is TRULY the only army that shoots its wounded. Someone needs to buy copies of "Wounded Healer" for each member of the Committee on Ministry and the Session.

Have you considered that your BipolarII diagnosis is not the real reason for their actions? that this is really about your politics/theology/attitudes toward authority? I am sure that you have frightened any number of people. Could this all be just an excuse to make themselves feel safer?

[Zerbie]

Originally Posted by u-dog

I am totally pissed that once more my church is engaged in flushing its most talented members down the toilet. The Church is TRULY the only army that shoots its wounded. Someone needs to buy copies of "Wounded Healer" for each member of the Committee on Ministry and the Session.

Oh, nifty! I want that book!


Have you considered that your BipolarII diagnosis is not the real reason for their actions? that this is really about your politics/theology/attitudes toward authority? I am sure that you have frightened any number of people. Could this all be just an excuse to make themselves feel safer?

Interesting point, Doggy. You may have something there. Andy, does this resonate as a possibility?

[andrewlittle]

Originally Posted by u-dog

I am totally pissed that once more my church is engaged in flushing its most talented members down the toilet. The Church is TRULY the only army that shoots its wounded. Someone needs to buy copies of "Wounded Healer" for each member of the Committee on Ministry and the Session.

Have you considered that your BipolarII diagnosis is not the real reason for their actions? that this is really about your politics/theology/attitudes toward authority? I am sure that you have frightened any number of people. Could this all be just an excuse to make themselves feel safer?

Five minutes ago, I wrote an email to the Stated Clerk, who's a friend and ally - personally and theologically. Anyway, I told him that either the church changed it's mind and doesn't want to admit it, or they are really pissed about my theology/politics etc. I think they are willing to use anything to shift the blame for forty years of decline to someone else. And I'm it.

If that is the case, they are being ruthless and playing with my life and livelihood.

Anyway, he told me (confidentially) that he heard remarks last night at the COM meeting like, "he's just doing what they called him to do, and they don't like it." Maybe the COM isn't as twisted as I think - maybe.

[Daniel]

Originally Posted by andrewlittle

Five minutes ago, I wrote an email to the Stated Clerk, who's a friend and ally - personally and theologically. Anyway, I told him that either the church changed it's mind and doesn't want to admit it, or they are really pissed about my theology/politics etc. I think they are willing to use anything to shift the blame for forty years of decline to someone else. And I'm it.

If that is the case, they are being ruthless and playing with my life and livelihood.

Anyway, he told me (confidentially) that he heard remarks last night at the COM meeting like, "he's just doing what they called him to do, and they don't like it." Maybe the COM isn't as twisted as I think - maybe.

The old blame/kill the messenger trick?

They may not be twisted, but the wording of that statement they sent to you was.

"we are not sure someone who is mentally ill should be ministering to this church."

Don't know what is more upsetting, the passive-aggressive 'not sure' part or the 'mentally ill' one.

Would there be any wisdom in mirroring all this back to them?

[andrewlittle]

Sometimes it makes me weep. I remember feeling like this - like it was yesterday.