I Came Out

[tehillah05]

That's exactly how it was. I came out tonight (about 2 hours ago) to my parents. I told my brother earlier today - he's leaving for Marine basic on the 23rd. He didn't "agree" but he said he loved me anyway and it's my life. My mom...yelled at first. My dad, seeing my tears and pure torment, told her to calm down and listen to what I have to say. Oh it was awful. Their reaction wasn't anything I didn't expect...I came in carrying a proverbial cross & nails because I was convinced I would be crucifed in the back yard. I know that's totally melodramatic but it's how I felt. My dad rambeled on and on about what I don't know...my mom kept telling me it's wrong and it's a sin and how do I expect to get into heaven w/ a blatant sin like this. My dad did eventually say that if it's a sin it's on the same scale as lifting bubble gum from Wal-Mart since God deals in absolutes and sin is sin. She said she could tell I wasn't happy...I said I haven't been happy because I've been in hiding. I tried to explain it's not a choice but that got me nowhere. The summary of my dad's response was "it's your life. I don't support or accept it but I won't stop loving you or kick you out of the family." He said that it's God's job to handle me (whatever that means) and he's not God. He talked about the prodigal son and said eventually I would come to the conclusion that's not 100% right.

I don't know how I feel. I feel like a horrible daughter and a huge let down. My mom, of course, wants me to get counseling from their pastor. Good guy, but believes in an inerrant Bible...I believe in the Bible, God and Jesus don't get me wrong but I think there are typos, if you will, in the modern Bible. But that's neither here nor there at this point. I just feel like I've completely let them down...I thought I'd feel better after telling them but I don't...really. I guess it takes time.

Moral of the story: my dad told me they still love me; if I marry a woman they won't be at the ceremony...no plans for that anyway; I'm still a member of the family...and it's my life. I guess.....

[Rick336]

I know that tonight was a very emotional time for you and your family and you're not feeling as good as you thought you would at this point, but that will change. Once it has sunken in that you are finally living an open, honest, free life and that you no longer need to hide the real person you were born to be, you'll begin to feel much better. It will feel like a weight has been lifted off of your shoulders.

Your family's reaction is very common. Many, if not most, families react much the same way to news that a family member is gay. At first it's a shock, but eventually they will begin to get used to your sexual orientation and realize you're still the same person you've always been.

In a few short years, or maybe even months, your relationship with your mom and dad and brother will return to normal and life will go on as usual. At least that's how it goes with most LGBT people who come out, and chances are your situation is no different.

But one thing is for sure, Sunday February 15, 2009 will be a day you'll remember for the rest of your life. Go write down your feelings about what you did today now before you forget, and keep what you wrote in a safe place. Years from now you'll really be glad you did.

We're all here for you anytime you want to talk.



And by the way, RIGHT ON!!!!!

Rick

[Jennifer5]

Congrats! Things may be hard now, but it will get easier! For now, it's good that they aren't trying to push you away.

We're here for you!

[Daniel]

You were so so so so brave. Always remember that. You were one brave woman, facing your parents, your brother, the truth and everything in between.

Please know that while you may feel terrible right now, you are not a terrible daughter. Please don't fall into thinking that. You will look on this day (Rick is right on!) and see it as the first day of your life, the day you started to live in your own skin, the day you started to own the real you- not the you that everyone wants you to be. And that is something wonderful.

Parents- God love 'em'- say stupid stuff! But the love part, when they told you they loved you? Believe that! And let the rest go.

You sound like you have no intention of seeing the pastor, and I don't blame you. Doing so would only be playing a game. And now that you have declared yourself, going that route is like entering a room with no doors and windows. You don't want to go there.

Please don't ever barter away your self-hood, the shining light within you. And you have nothing to prove.

Your family may- in time- be more open to learning more about what the bible says and doesn't say about homsexuality, but right now is probably not that time.

You've been dealing with with gay for a while now, right? Your family just found out. As such, you've come out of the closet and they may be- in effect- going into the closet for awhile. May take them some time to deal with things. But most likely, they will.

Stand your ground- that is the best I can say. And love them.

A big hug to you!

[antiochian]

I just traveled back ten years in time to when I told my immediate family. It hurt, there were tears, and they all said something similar to what your family did--they love me, but...

Some members of my family have come around in that decade, some have not. Your self-worth is not contingent upon anyone's approval. Remember that.

[Zerbie]

I am so glad that you came here and are hearing so many words of support!

Daniel's spot-on: they told you they love you. That's real. And they managed to say it during a time of crisis for them, which is huge. Focus on that part of the conversation.

They have some concerns and woes. They're thinking about sins. Tell ya what: being is never a sin, a wrong thing, a mistake, or a choice. You just are, and that's good. Someday I hope your family will understand that. They really might someday.

You are a lovely daughter. You shared yourself with your parents in a very real and vulnerable way. Your sharing expressed your love for them and your willingness to let them know you more fully than before. That's wonderful. They have a very devoted and special daughter, who also knows how to balance their expectations and wishes with her own authentic experience and to live her own life while still maintaining closeness with them. I hope they will soon come to see how special that is.

You're probably exhausted today. But I hope you are proud of how you expressed yourself. You did great.

[BrianB]

The important thing to remember is that you are loved! You parents have been hit with a big shocker (for them). It's going to take time for them to settle down and see that you are the same person. You didn't just grown a second head. You just like girls instead of guys. I'm proud of you for being so brave! You are braver than me. I told my parents in a letter.

[alphie]

Congratulations for coming out - I know how hard it can be (I've only been out as a lesbian for about a year). I would encourage you to write down your feelings/emotions, struggles etc. that you go through in this process.
I would also suggest that you come out to someone that you know will support you.
I think there are two kinds of church-folk: Backers (those who will back you up) and Stackers (those that will stack-up scripture against you) - find the Backers.
Peace - you are in my prayers.

[Daniel]

Very nice way of putting things. I agree whole-heartedly. Find those who support you.

[Gennee]

Congratulations on coming out. You have decided to be authentic and I applaud you. This is a lot for your family to digest but give them time. They say that they love you and that's a great start.

Keep being yourself. They may ask you questions so be prepared to answer them. You're not a failure and neither are your parents. They are concerned about your safety and well being. Do you attend any support group at your school or are there organization like PFLAG in Kansas City? Families of lesbian and gay children can learn much. Once again congrats. Keep us posted on your progress.

Gennee

[tehillah05]

Oh my goodness...where do I even begin?? You are all SO wonderful! Thank you so much for reaching out and responding and supporting me during this time. Even though it's an online forum, I could still feel the love & support permeating from each of your messages. I did what you suggested Rick and wrote down my feelings. It's tucked away so be pulled out someday when the moment comes I can look back and...laugh (??)...well at least smile. I'm starting to feel better...everyone's words of encouragement helped emmensly! I read and re-read everyone's post.

Thank you all so much!! I don't know any of you personally but you mean the world to me!

[tymejumper]

Originally Posted by tehillah05

Moral of the story: my dad told me they still love me; if I marry a woman they won't be at the ceremony...no plans for that anyway; I'm still a member of the family...and it's my life. I guess.....

I'm so sorry that your family reacted that way. My mother was very supportive, my father was upset and told me that 'gay sex is gross' and all that. He refused to come to my marriage ceremony, my brother and grandmother didn't come either. It really hurt at first, but you know who did come? My mom, my wifes parents, all of them, our friends and some of my co-workers. My aunt also came and said "I don't understand it, but if your happy that's all I wanted for you, to be happy, and I like Ellie, she's a wonderful woman, you could do worse." I found out who mattered and who did not.

Now, a year later, my father has come down off his high horse and met my wife and introduced his girlfriend to her, my grandmother has come over one time to meet her and my brother has actually shown a little tolerance. I let go and let God and it was a relief. I realized that sometimes, you have to wait for them to catch up and sometimes you lose people in the process. It's painful but hang in there and give them time to accept, maybe they will surprise you.

[Gennee]

Originally Posted by tymejumper

I'm so sorry that your family reacted that way. My mother was very supportive, my father was upset and told me that 'gay sex is gross' and all that. He refused to come to my marriage ceremony, my brother and grandmother didn't come either. It really hurt at first, but you know who did come? My mom, my wifes parents, all of them, our friends and some of my co-workers. My aunt also came and said "I don't understand it, but if your happy that's all I wanted for you, to be happy, and I like Ellie, she's a wonderful woman, you could do worse." I found out who mattered and who did not.

Now, a year later, my father has come down off his high horse and met my wife and introduced his girlfriend to her, my grandmother has come over one time to meet her and my brother has actually shown a little tolerance. I let go and let God and it was a relief. I realized that sometimes, you have to wait for them to catch up and sometimes you lose people in the process. It's painful but hang in there and give them time to accept, maybe they will surprise you.

I attended a reception for a gay couple who married in California this past summer. All ther friends and acquaintances were there. I met a lesbian couple who were aready married. I felt so much love and appreciation that the these two fine men were legally married. It was a tea party and I really enjoyed myself. Most of all, I was so happy for my friends.

Gennee

[tehillah05]

Originally Posted by tymejumper

I'm so sorry that your family reacted that way. My mother was very supportive, my father was upset and told me that 'gay sex is gross' and all that. He refused to come to my marriage ceremony, my brother and grandmother didn't come either. It really hurt at first, but you know who did come? My mom, my wifes parents, all of them, our friends and some of my co-workers. My aunt also came and said "I don't understand it, but if your happy that's all I wanted for you, to be happy, and I like Ellie, she's a wonderful woman, you could do worse." I found out who mattered and who did not.

Now, a year later, my father has come down off his high horse and met my wife and introduced his girlfriend to her, my grandmother has come over one time to meet her and my brother has actually shown a little tolerance. I let go and let God and it was a relief. I realized that sometimes, you have to wait for them to catch up and sometimes you lose people in the process. It's painful but hang in there and give them time to accept, maybe they will surprise you.

Thanks you dear!! I've received a couple of emails from my mom this week that sounded halfway "normal"...no talk of counseling in other words. My dad and I talked Tuesday and although he said he wasn't overjoyed and wouldn't be marching in a gay pride parade w/ me, (which I thought was funny) he quasi-agreed w/ me when I said I could be a Christian and gay. I see them tomorrow at my kid brother's going away party (he leaves for Marine boot camp Monday) so...we'll see!! Thank you so much again for your support and words of encouragement!!

[tymejumper]

Oh, how grand that you got emails from your mom! Maybe upon reflection they realized they reacted a little over the top.

It's not that uncommon for parents especially to be that way, they start seeing all their dream for your life and expectations go down the drain. It's not fair that they have them of course, but they are parents. Then of course there is the grandchild factor. Alot of older parents are unaware or just don't know about fertility treatments or that gays can adopt. Also, they may be very aware of how hard it can be for a gay couple, no equal rights and fear for your safety. That is what my mom told me was a problem for her, that she was afraid for my job and life because of how they treated gay people in this country.

My wife is a very grounded and calm person and has been out way longer than I. She told me to give others as much time to accept me being gay as it took me to accept in in myself. I have found this to be true and it helps to keep this close to your heart.

Good luck, keep us posted!

Bekah

[sarahbina]

Hugs to you - and from experience - time can be a big healer. Hang tight and let them go through all their stuff, and you might be happily surprised that they can see you as their daughter.