Beauty

[antiochian]

Offog's thread on middle age crises has gotten me thinking. About age, but even more so, beauty, and what that really is. I got to thinking about this after reading and editing my niece's manifesto on beauty for a college course she's taking, and she basically wrote that people destroy themselves trying to become "beautiful."

When I told my friend Sue how anxious I am over being 30 next year, she laughed and told me I'm just a young whippersnapper. I've noticed my first gray hairs. I get discouraged when I examine the excess fat around my belly. Heaven forbid someone photograph me, and when I do see myself in pictures, I find myself thinking "Please tell me I don't actually look like that!"

Society idolizes not only youth but beauty. This sickness surely has leaked into gay culture as well. I've received hurtful comments from people about my weight, including gay men.

My question is whether society's and the media's view of what constitutes beauty is accurate. I'll take the position that, no, it is not. Margaret Cho talks about body image in some of her shows, and how ridiculous the standards are, not to mention that they are false. I think she's right on.

I wonder how much of the current fitness craze is motivated by prejudice against bigger people, as opposed to being healthy. I'm sick of Oprah and Dr. Phil blabbering on about weight loss. They could just as well come out and say "You're fat, you're ugly, get fit so people won't want to retch when they look at you."

Body image is a huge source (though not the only one) of my depression. I'm getting to the point where I don't feel I am obligated to live up to the fake standards of others, and how dare people tell me that I'm not good enough. Why should I destroy myself trying to be something neither I nor anyone else ever can be--perfect. My great-grandma Underwood had a saying: "Beauty is as beauty does."

Anyone have thoughts?

[Daniel]

Originally Posted by antiochian

Body image is a huge source (though not the only one) of my depression. I'm getting to the point where I don't feel I am obligated to live up to the fake standards of others, and how dare people tell me that I'm not good enough. Why should I destroy myself trying to be something neither I nor anyone else ever can be--perfect. My great-grandma Underwood had a saying: "Beauty is as beauty does."

Anyone have thoughts?

Yep. A few. Perhaps more.

You can't not arrive at age 50- as I have- and not think about age, beauty, sex and love. I think these things are joined together.

When I was in my 20's, I didn't like the way I looked- I was very self-conscious. However, when I got into performing in my late 20's, I got over some of that by observing how people presented themselves - that beautiful often had little to do with looks. How people stood, talked, and comported themselves had everything to do a kind of inner radiance.

Now. As I look back at photos of myself at age 30, I realize that I was a lot better looking than I thought I was at the time. And this has helped me see myself differently now. To enjoy the ride a bit more.

Oh...I could lose some weight. That said, I'm one of those who has never been very much overweight. And I confess to being attracted to a lean muscular male body. The Greeks and Romans seem to have idolized it also considering all the works of art they created. I think this has a lot to do with the hotwiring in the brain as regards mating. That's what one is doing in one's 20's and 30's. Is there only one kind of physical beauty? I don't think so. We are fed lots of images of what we are supposed to look like. But a walk down the street reveals that very few of us actually conform to these images. I've never forgotten the words of a canny photographer who said: there are no bad bodies, just bad camera angles!

Body fascism is something to be concerned about. I think it is related to our consumer culture. We have too much. And that includes food. As such, we try to control a process that in earlier times wasn't much of an issue for most people.

My grandparents were small people. My father grew to be almost two feet taller than them. Why? Better nutrition. Now? Food is fairly screaming at us everywhere! Eat me! Eat me! Eat me! And it is thought that our bodies developed over the many centuries so that they would store extra weight for lean times. Trouble is, we don't live in that world anymore. Even a hundred years ago, most people could only eat what they could grow with their own hands. And even if you lived in a city, you could only get food that was in season within your area. Now you can have anything you want anytime you want, be it local or global.

We have too much while much of the rest of the world starves. How strange is that!?

As I get older, I do my yoga, not so much that I look a certain way even though I do like looking trim and fit, but because my head and body both feel a lot better. Staying in motion, getting exercise feels good, both physically and psychologically. But I didn't grow up knowing this. As a kid, I hated gym class. Hated the competition with other boys: I thought that something was wrong with me. Took me a long while to get over that. Decades in fact. Took me a long while to realize that my issue was that I was self-conscious about being gay. Didn't feel good in my own skin- so to speak.

Sure. One could go the other way and develop one's body as a kind of armor. But that's just another kind of insecurity.

I guess what I am getting at here is a kind of balance. A middle path where one be fully present - that is - embody- one's physical being without fighting with it. This being a matter of realizing that the body is a vehicle worth taking care of- so that one can enjoy the ride.

[BenL]

Originally Posted by Daniel

I guess what I am getting at here is a kind of balance. A middle path where one be fully present - that is - embody- one's physical being without fighting with it. This being a matter of realizing that the body is a vehicle worth taking care of- so that one can enjoy the ride.

Daniel, I have a somewhat cruder way of putting it. To me, as a gay male, the men I find the most attractive are the ones who have their "sh*t together." They know who they are, they accept who they are, and they move outside of themselves and reach out to others.

It can be called a lot of things, among them maturity, and whatever the opposite of self-centeredness is.

Those are the things that make a person beautiful, male or female.

[Jennifer5]

What happened to the phrase, "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder"?

I think we all get too caught up in what we think beauty is. Of course, there are certain bodies that will make your head turn, but I think that beauty is a lot more than that.

I agree with what Daniel mentioned about the way someone carries themselves. When someone is comfortable with themselves and allows their inner beauty to shine through, you meet the most beautiful people.

I think of one the advantages of an online community, is the chance you get to see inner beauty. When you don't know what a person looks like, you create this image of them in your mind. It gives you this amazing opportunity to realize that true beauty has nothing to do with your physical appearance.

The most beautiful people I know, are not necessarily what our society would consider attractive.

[tymejumper]

Wow, I am SO there with you! I turn 40 next week and I am having a very difficult time with it. The only other age that upset me was 25, who knows why?

I now have everything I want in life, but I have put on 4 pounds, my pants are tighter, I have a few crows feet at my eyes. I don't look 40, no one else seems to think I am past 30 or so. They are always shocked at my age, but I tell you, I still get insecure.

I guess that it is because when men get older they get wisdom and are 'silver foxes' but women just get old. We get wrinkly, we get gray hair and matronly. All my weight now settles on my hips and thighs, and while everyone loves that J-lo booty, I can't seem to make my peace with it!

I notice every wrinkle and line lately and black circles etc. I guess those land mark birthdays are killers!

I do notice in the lesbian community that women are usually with non skinny women(not all but the majority) and if their partner puts on weight or gets a bit gray or wrinkles, they don't get upset. Ellie tells me that she loves my hips and rear, even if I deride it.

Curiously, after she said "well, I thought we were going to grow old together baby, isn't that the point?" it made me feel a whole lot better!

[Jennifer5]

Originally Posted by tymejumper

Curiously, after she said "well, I thought we were going to grow old together baby, isn't that the point?" it made me feel a whole lot better!

That summed it up beautifully.