Need your opinion

[pnggrad79]

A good friend of ours recently moved to Tampa. We accidentally missed his going away party. We got the date wrong and he was pissed. So he left for Florida, and so we decided to take our Spring Break there, to go see him. Well, lo and behold, he wanted us to bring his bf with us. He is lonely there in Florida and misses his bf. They have been dating for like 3 months. He isn't even sure this guy is right for him, but it looks like he is Mr. Right Now, instead of Mr. Right. Our friend is famous for 3 month relationships and then they leave him broken hearted.

We have never met this bf and knowing our friend, he is probably an unemployed illegal that has no money, no job, and no way to get to Florida any other way. I would not pick up a hitchhiker for the very same reason. I just don't feel comfortable taking cross country trip with someone I don't know.

The problem is now our friend is really angry with us for not agreeing to bring his bf with us. He won't answer our phone calls, texts, emails, nothing. I don't even know if he wants to see us.

Are we wrong for not wanting to haul his bf, whom we don't know anything about, to Florida with us on our vacation?

[andrewlittle]

I realize he is a friend of yours, so you may take afront at what I am about to say, but it sounds like your friend has some growing up to do. The question is are you his friends or his parents.

A friend would be honest with him, as you have been - at least in regards to your own feelings about travelling cross country with someone you don't know.

Parents would also be honest, perhaps even more so, and probably touch on the unhealthiness of some of his patterns of behavior. Now, that may be too tall an order for friends.

Either way, though, if you love him, honesty is part of the equation and, then, you cannot hold yourself responsible for how he chooses to react. Presuming he's an adult, he has to take responsibility for that.

To practical matters - are you unable to meet his bf before the trip takes place? If not, there seems to also be a lack of investmenmt on the bf's part.

[Gennee]

Your friend needs to take responsibility for his own actions. He needs to take charge of his own life, not have you be his personal chaperone. Usually after a few months in a relationship, old bad habits begin coming to the surface. Unless your friend changes his ways, he'll never have or keep anything worthwhile.

Gennee

[pnggrad79]

He got someone to meet him in Mobile to pick up bf. Now he's talking to us again. We are scheduled to go to dinner with him and bf to get to know the guy. I hope this bf of his is the real thing, because if he is an illegal and has no green card, then he has to find a way back to Texas. It won't be us, guaranteed.

I love my friend, and no we ain't his parents. His parents are older and live in the hick town of Lufkin, TX. They don't like the fact that he is gay, but they have not kicked him out of their lives. His sister is cool with it, but his older brother won't even speak to him.

He falls too hard and too fast for little (and I do mean little as in short) Hispanic guys, who literally speak little or no English, usually have no job or have recently been fired. These guys latch onto him because he is employed and lives well. But he always ends up getting his heart broken because they get deported or go back to Mexico or some other Latin American country and he has to mop up after it. I have seen him hurt one too many times over some cute little guy who will use him for sex and then dump him.

I am afraid this new bf will get to Tampa and get comfortable and find someone else and leave my friend broken hearted once again. I asked him if he was taking it slow this time and of course, he told me not to worry about him, but he can't go a month without seeing this guy and would go to any length to get him to Florida. He wants to be in a relationship, because nearly all of his friends are coupled and he doesn't like to go home to an apartment and his only company is his dog.

Oh well, so much for the saga....

[Gossioii4]

This is a great article. I’m new to blogging but still learning. Thanks for the great resource.

[offog]

Your buddy reminds about things I've picked up about women who are addicted to bad relationships because they have a savior complex. They get involved with men who are addicts, criminals, abusers, womanizers, or just bums. These women believe that with enough love, they can get these guys turned around and straightened out.

The women don't have a lot of self-esteem and need to do things that make them feel special. They also think that they aren't worthy of better men. Some women have their whole identity tied up in having a man, and a bad man is better than no man.

I've been involved with some "questionable" men myself. I was a nerdy girl with thick glasses and no social skills. Naturally, once I got into high school, I slept with the first guy who paid attention to me. (This was in Grade 11.) In my late teens early twenties, I had a lot of casual affairs. This was partly because I'm a product of the late 1970s, and casual hooking up was just what people in my crowd did back then. But to be honest, I also felt that sex was the only thing I had to offer.

I'm more fussy these days. I'm aware that I'm at risk for bad, even abusive relationships because of my not-so-great social skills, and because I was sexually abused by a neighbor's teenage son when I was about five years old. I've educated myself on what to watch for. For example, about ten years ago I dumped a guy I'd dated for a couple of months because I figured out he was an alcoholic. He was a nice guy and he really loved me, but no way was I going to get myself into a co-dependent situation. I'm not enough of a romantic to believe that love conquers all.

I was quite cold-blooded about it. At the time, there was a best-selling "self-help" book called How to Dump a Guy. I bought the book, read through it in one day, and figured out a diplomatic way to break it off.

Also, I have never, ever gotten myself involved with a man who's married or otherwise attached. Even when I was young, I'd read enough Dear Abby to know better. These guys always promise to leave their wives/partners "when the time is right", and usually they're just looking for a bit on the side.

Maybe your friend is one of those people with low self-esteem who thinks that he doesn't deserve better men. You mentioned that "He wants to be in a relationship, because nearly all of his friends are coupled and he doesn't like to go home to an apartment and his only company is his dog." Sounds like the stereo-typed woman who marries the first guy who asks because all her girlfriends are married, she's afraid of becoming an old maid, and afraid that no other guy will ask.

He needs some tough love, and some serious therapy. Maybe you folks should start telling him that he's a great guy and deserves better.

[offog]

Your buddy reminds about things I've picked up about women who are addicted to bad relationships because they have a savior complex. They get involved with men who are addicts, criminals, abusers, womanizers, or just bums. These women believe that with enough love, they can get these guys turned around and straightened out.

The women don't have a lot of self-esteem and need to do things that make them feel special. They also think that they aren't worthy of better men. Some women have their whole identity tied up in having a man, and a bad man is better than no man.

I've been involved with some "questionable" men myself. I was a nerdy girl with thick glasses and no social skills. Naturally, once I got into high school, I slept with the first guy who paid attention to me. (This was in Grade 11.) In my late teens early twenties, I had a lot of casual affairs. This partly because I'm a product of the late 1970s, and casual hooking up was just what people in my crowd did back then. But to be honest, I also felt that sex was the only thing I had to offer.

I'm more fussy these days. I'm aware that I'm at risk for bad, even abusive relationships because of my not-so-great social skills, and because I was sexually abused by a neighbor's teenage son when I was about five years old. I've educated myself on what to watch for. For example, about ten years ago I dumped a guy I'd dated for a couple of months because I figured out he was an alcoholic. He was a nice guy and he really loved me, but no way was I going to get myself into a co-dependent situation. I'm not enough of a romantic to believe that love conquers all.

I was quite cold-blooded about it. At the time, there was a best-selling "self-help" book called How to Dump a Guy. I bought the book, read through it in one day, and figured out a diplomatic way to break it off.

Maybe your friend is one of those people with low self-esteem who thinks that he doesn't deserve better men. You mentioned that "He wants to be in a relationship, because nearly all of his friends are coupled and he doesn't like to go home to an apartment and his only company is his dog." Sounds like the stereo-typed woman who marries the first guy who asks because all her girlfriends are married, she's afraid of becoming an old maid, and afraid that no other guy will ask.

He needs some tough love, and some serious therapy. Maybe you folks should start telling him that he's a great guy and deserves better.