Mortal Danger?

[Dakota]

Hello, everyone! Just thought I'd drop by again with another concern. This time, it involves my dad. He is not a fundamentalist Christian, but he does attend a fundamentalist Christian church, so I guess this post relates in some way. I will give my dad some credit for at least trying to be a good and decent person. I mean, he doesn't vote or anything (and neither do I), but he does like President Obama and agrees with most of what Obama stands for (except on the abortion issue). He hated George W. Bush, his Administration, and everything he stood for. He tries to be a good man in every way possible.

So, what's my problem? My problem is that my dad is a mean-spirited control freak who makes me feel bad about myself and won't let me enjoy anything unless he approves of what I am doing. I can't spend my money the way I want to, so I have to hide all of the things he doesn't want me to have from him to avoid getting yelled at or punished for no reason. Everything I do is wrong, and nothing I do is right. I can't yell at our dogs when they bark, so I'm not allowed any peace and quiet.

And if my dad ever found out I was using diapers on my doll (I have a doll hobby that I really enjoy), he would take away my doll and all of her things, plus my computer, my phone, and my TV as unnecessary punishment for spending my own money on something that I enjoy doing, leaving me with nothing left that keeps me busy and brings me joy. My dad would totally freak out if he learned I was washing my doll's new clothes, too, and all I want to do is soften them up, shrink them a little so they'll fit her better, and keep the ink on the new clothes from staining her. My dad just doesn't understand!

I wish I was living a better life. A life where I can be free, independent, and totally liberated. A life where I am no longer controlled by fear, manipulation, and intimidation. A life where I can be honest and up front and no longer have to hide anything I enjoy because my dad makes me too afraid to speak up and share things with him that he doesn't like and doesn't want me to have or do. A life where I am no longer lonely and isolated, a prisoner of my own home, where I'm not allowed much of anything except only the freedom my dad wants me to have. A life where I'll no longer have to isolate myself in my room, coming out only to eat, do chores, shower, go on an outing, be with a friend, or help my mom out with her cooking, because I can't stand being around my dad.

My dad used to sexually abuse me, too, but that ended a long time ago. Now we are simply too much alike, where one side always wants control, so we don't always get along. In fact, he ignores me most of the time, except when I am trying to do something or enjoy something that somehow bothers him, and it is not my intention to get into any kind of trouble whatsoever. Almost everything I do seems to bother him, things that never seemed to bother him before, and now I'm afraid to do anything I once thought was innocent and didn't think was disruptive in any way. I guess I'm not a human being. I am nothing, and as far as my dad is concerned, I mean nothing. I am ordered around like a slave, and if I don't do anything right, he makes me feel like a horrible person.

How come some daughters have dads that are everything a dad should be, and I end up with an obnoxious, fear-mongering jerk whose mentality is "My way or the highway," someone who makes me wish I never had a dad?