im curious to hear your "coming out" stories

[xmissrainbow]

At what age did you"come out" & How did your family,friends & church take it?

Everyone knows im bisexual,im not afraid to tell them,but it wasnt always that way,I liked girls since i can remember,my first kiss was with a girl.But i didnt know i was bisexual until 7th grade i was 12, i didnt really tell anyone for quite some time..i told a few friends and i had people just walk by me in the hall and call me a lesbian...my so called "friends" where afraid to stay the night with me anymore because they thought i liked them or whatever..so school was hard for me..and then my sister*who is also bisexual* found out and told my mom,my mom doesnt know my sister is bisexual,my moms reply was"thats gross" and that was that,she hasnt said anything about it sense...my church friends for the most part are accepting,they still of course think its a sin but there still pretty decent about it..


and thats my little coming out story

[BenL]

Hi, I'm a 65-year-old gay man married to a transman, and I'm still coming out. And that's the point, for me anyways: coming out is a process, not an event.

I first came out to myself, the hardest, most unaccepting person to come out to. Even that was in stages. At 11, I knew I was different, but thought I could change, that it was just a matter of willpower. I went into a deep closet by 13 and stayed there until I left college. Then I could no longer stay abstinent. I was attracted to men, not women, and couldn't resist the pull they exerted on me. But every time I "succumbed" I felt guilty. The guilt was enforced by society, and particularly the Catholic Church.

I spent nearly 40 years at one company and never came out there. It was dangerous to come out when I started work there. You could lose your job or worse. I retired 18 months ago, and now I'm working as an LGBT elder outreach worker. Go figure. If I were straight, I would have to be constantly coming out to everybody, cuz it's just assumed that I'm gay.

Not only do you grow into coming out, your coming out process changes as you age and as times and your circumstances change. Besides that, there is always someone new to come out to. Coming out never really ends.

Thanks for your coming out story, xmiss, and congratulations for making it as far as you have. My fondest hope is that when your little girl reaches adulthood nobody will have to come out because it simply won't matter anymore.

[Gennee]

I came out to myself as a crossdresser in July 2005. It was liberating and I felt complete as a person. As I read more about transgender, I responded with 'Hey, that's me!'
A few months later, I came out to my wife after she found some of my clothing hidden. Didn't hold anything back. She was shocked with I told her. In time she saw that being transgender and a crossdresser was part of me. I told my son a year later. He was okay with my transness .
As time passed I sensed that this journey was much deeper than just clothing and going out. I came out to others over the many months. Today I am a transsexual who does not want to have reassignment surgery or take hormones (called non-op). I will be coming out to others, for sure.

Gennee

[antiochian]

I think for most of us, coming out isn't something we do to everyone we know and love all at once, but a gradual process. I first told my former boss, whose acceptance I'll always be grateful. I was 19 then. Later that year came my parents and other relatives. My niece ran off and cried (she was 14). My oldest sister has never come to terms with my being gay, and still talks about me finding the right woman... My other sister has been accepting. It's not something we talk about much. My dad, I think, still struggles, though he told me right away that my sexuality didn't affect his love for me. My mom struggled, too, for many years. Other friends, co-workers, and people at my former church were very accepting. All in all, I've been blessed.

I think the most important journey was coming out to myself. I knew I loved men when I was very young. As I became a teenager, I felt myself lusting after their bodies, and not understanding what "was wrong with me." At 15, I said "I am gay" out loud to myself for the first time. Wow. Big step. But I felt damned, cursed, betrayed by my creator. In the 15 years since I said those words, my life has been a journey towards self-worth and wholeness. Pastors whom I blindly trusted with my soul told me I was doomed if I didn't change my lustful ways. They told me what TV channels I could watch, what kind of books I could read (meaning nothing gay-themed!). I listened to them, for awhile.

Then, something happened. I went to a LGBT support group. Over and over through the years, I'd heard that what I was was bad. Here, among fellow "queers," I heard over and over that what I am is good. I have embraced myself. I am a man who loves men. What a beautiful gift from my creator! I only wish I knew as that scared teenager what I know today. Today, in my mind, I reach back through time and I put my arms around that boy's shoulders, and tell him, "It's ok!"

I am a man empowered. That strength lying dormant within me for some twenty years has flown to the surface--inflitrated my mind, heart, spirit, lips, hands... I'm so thankful for the many wonderful people who have helped me get to where I am today. I'm thankful to be alive. I'm not sure I could have said that a few years ago. That's my coming out story--not a story of coming out to others, but of discovering myself.

Bright blessings!

[Pablo Rafael]

I "came out" at the age of 47, so I am one of the very late bloomers. I was probably 37 or so when I first admitted to myself that I was gay. At that time I thought it was an inherent flaw in my character, but I realized there was no way out of it. I was determined to take the secret to the grave with me.

I stumbled upon Mel White's book Stranger at the Gate. I see it now not as an accident, but as God's leading. I read it and started to think that maybe being gay wasn't against the teachings of the Bible. I researched and read and came to the conclusion that deep down I had known all along - I was gay. It was OK. God was not against me.

It was hard coming out to my mom. She has a difficult time with it at first, but responded with love. Over time God has worked in her heart, and she is at peace with the issue as far as I can tell. When she met my boyfriend for the first time, she fell in love with him. (He is quite lovable. )

I waited a year to come out at work. I taught at a conservative Lutheran Church-Missouri Synod school. I thought that coming out would cost me my job which it did. Most people at the school has already figured out I was gay. It seemed no one was upset about it, but they still thought I should go. It was the easiest way for them to solve the problem of an openly gay teacher on staff.

Almost no one was surprised that I was gay. No one has been hostile to me. Friends and relatives have been accepting. There were no family struggles. I have a new job working with wonderful people. My boyfriend and I are working towards the day, hopefully soon, when we will be together.

I lost my job at the LCMS church, but it was a congregation I did not have much affection for in the first place. I was going to a Catholic church at the time. I still am musician there. They know I am gay but just ignore the subject altogether. This year I was confirmed in the Episcopal church. I am in a tiny wonderful congregation. The Episcopal church is a great fit for me. I feel very much at home. I never had any crisis of faith. I knew I was a child of God before coming, out and that has not wavered since.

I don't know who all knows I am gay. I am quiet and keep to myself. I don't share a lot of personal information with people unless they have a reason to know.

The whole coming out process so far has been very positive. I am indeed blessed.

[Daniel]

I was 28, living with my parents and going to grad music school, after having gone to a Pentecostal undergrad school. I was spending a lot of time with my first ever bf, and my father confronted me one day about it, and it wasn't pretty: he said the most horrible things one can say. And my mother just sat there and cried. I moved out shortly afterward. It was awful. Painful. And makes my heart ache when I think about it.

It took a long time for things to settle. Years really. And it is still a process. I married my current partner about 8 years ago (we've been together 15 years), and no one came from my family to the ceremony. And that hurt. Oh...my parents sent a card, and my sister said she didn't believe two men should get married, and not a word from the rest of my 3 siblings.

It's ignorance, and religious training that keep people acting stupidly. And the hard thing is this: treating those who treat you badly with consideration and kindness. One has to be a (insert expletive) saint!

Now that I am older, I don't let anyone wipe their feet on me, or suffer fools gladly. Sometimes you really do have to Act-Up. The AID's crisis taught me that, which I worry younger gay people are only dimly aware of now.

I now have a much better relationship with my siblings and parents. Still. I think about the wasted years. The unsaid (to this day) conversations. The doors not opened.

Religious oppression is real. But love is greater.

[BrianB]

Several people on this board helped me in the process of coming out as bisexual. First, admitting to myself what my orientation is was tough. The reason it was tough is that I could not hold on to many things I was taught. My computer is messed up. gotta go...

[SolApollo]

Originally Posted by Pablo Rafael

I "came out" at the age of 47, so I am one of the very late bloomers. I was probably 37 or so when I first admitted to myself that I was gay. At that time I thought it was an inherent flaw in my character, but I realized there was no way out of it. I was determined to take the secret to the grave with me.

I stumbled upon Mel White's book Stranger at the Gate. I see it now not as an accident, but as God's leading. I read it and started to think that maybe being gay wasn't against the teachings of the Bible. I researched and read and came to the conclusion that deep down I had known all along - I was gay. It was OK. God was not against me.

It was hard coming out to my mom. She has a difficult time with it at first, but responded with love. Over time God has worked in her heart, and she is at peace with the issue as far as I can tell. When she met my boyfriend for the first time, she fell in love with him. (He is quite lovable. )

I waited a year to come out at work. I taught at a conservative Lutheran Church-Missouri Synod school. I thought that coming out would cost me my job which it did. Most people at the school has already figured out I was gay. It seemed no one was upset about it, but they still thought I should go. It was the easiest way for them to solve the problem of an openly gay teacher on staff.

Almost no one was surprised that I was gay. No one has been hostile to me. Friends and relatives have been accepting. There were no family struggles. I have a new job working with wonderful people. My boyfriend and I are working towards the day, hopefully soon, when we will be together.

I lost my job at the LCMS church, but it was a congregation I did not have much affection for in the first place. I was going to a Catholic church at the time. I still am musician there. They know I am gay but just ignore the subject altogether. This year I was confirmed in the Episcopal church. I am in a tiny wonderful congregation. The Episcopal church is a great fit for me. I feel very much at home. I never had any crisis of faith. I knew I was a child of God before coming, out and that has not wavered since.

I don't know who all knows I am gay. I am quiet and keep to myself. I don't share a lot of personal information with people unless they have a reason to know.

The whole coming out process so far has been very positive. I am indeed blessed.

The guy I'm dating is similarly lovable - hoping we continue to our relationship, but it's still very early (been dating 2 weeks, but we love talking to each other & have so much in common) :-)

My coming out has also been a process. Initially, I made a mistake of telling coworkers at a library at the age of naive 24, and that was a horrible experience, but now glad it happened. I've gradually come out to my mom & she's finally accepted me as I am, but dislikes it. My dad (divorced from mom) will learn eventually (he's a fundamentalist pastor), but I suspect he knows already.

[celestial_rain]

well, I came out to my parents a few days after I started dating my girlfriend, a little over a year ago. They weren't happy, but they were accepting. They just don't understand it, but they're working on it Almost all of my friends from high school know, but I haven't told any of my college friends because I go to a very conservative Christian college (I'm transferring at the end of this semester, thank the Lord ). The majority of my family knows now, and they are all accepting of my interests. But it is still an ongoing process.

But although it sounds like I got no negative reactions because of it, thats not entirely true. My girlfriends parents are not nearly as accepting as my family...she is still 17 for a few months, so her parents have actually threatened to sue me for being with a minor if I have any contact with her. No one else in her family knows because her parents are still in the process of converting her (they actually forced her to go to homecoming with a guy last year because they thought it would change her mind) So, I have had my fair share of struggles with coming out to, not from my blood family, but by the people I had hoped would become a part of my family.

[offog]

Great batch of stories. I'm actually a straight woman myself, but I support the community.

A couple of months ago, I met an interesting 19-year-old gay fellow at the local gay club. "Joe" is a white guy, originally from South Africa, where it's really hard to be gay. When he came out to his family, his Dad and his sister were accepting, but his Mom is still in total denial. She thinks being gay is a disease and clings to the belief that "Joe" will eventually "straighten out".

"Joe's" Dad is really cool. He was a big anti-apartheid activist when the family was still in South Africa, and to him, homophobia isn't much different from racism. I love that, because it's pretty much the way I feel.

I suppose some homophobes would ask me "Would you want your kid to be gay?" Well, if I had a son who was a nice fellow like "Joe", I wouldn't have too many complaints.

[Saru]

Well I first came out, to my best friend in May of '09, when she asked if I wanted to go to prom with her. (she told me previously she had a huge crush on me, and she still does >.> ) I said no, and she ran away crying, and I just felt so guilty. I e-mailed her that I was gay, and everything I went through and why I couldn't tell her etc. She said ok, and she is a bit of 'fag hag,' so she had no problem adjusting.

Then one night in September of '09 I was in freshman Earth Science, and for some reason just decided to tell the rest of my friends. They were always cool about it, and that was an amazing feeling. I was raped when I was young, (sorry if thats TMI) and ever since then I had felt like a freak, and I told no one (my parents still don't know), but when my friends said it was cool I just felt really good for once.

My work found out when my friend sent me a txt regarding something about how she wanted to know if I thought this guy was gay, and I read the text aloud and a co-worker heard me. Dang. Luckily every single girl there is a lesbian, or bi (no joke!) so that's great as well. My boss is a homophobe unfortunately, but I'm a great worker so he just doesn't talk about it.


I am not sure if I will ever come out, to my parents. I may just show up when I'm 30 or so, and say deal with it. They are so very anti-gay I fear for my life that they will fiind out and kill me. (they have a gun under the bed) but, I mean heck, they might wierdly be O.K. with it, in my dreams.

[CagedBird]

I'm still in the process of coming out.

For some time I went through this dark moment, where I basically just didn't talk to anyone, but people online. So I gained a lot of online friends. At the time I thought I was straight, but as the years passed, I found that to not be the case. I never really had to officially come out to them, because they just kinda saw the transition. So that was fine.

Though, the last 2 years were when I started making real friends. And that was around the time where I was battling with confusion. One friend of mine knew that I was confused, because it somehow slipped out in a conversation. Then I told this one girl who I wasn't too fond of. It sounds like a stupid move, but she's always "yay gay rights" so I kind of felt comfortable asking her about it. Well, fast forward a year later, I'm talking with one of my close friends. She's gushing about her crush, nonstop. Then finally says how I'm always quiet about that subject, and that I'm secretive. Sooo I finally told her. She was completely cool with it, but the next day, she told me that the "yay gay rights" girl ended up telling her and all my other friends. So, needless to say, I was quite upset. But I got over it, because it made officially coming out to my friends easier. As of now, only my friends and one of my teachers know. And if someone at school were to ask me if I was, I wouldn't deny it.

Like some of the others here, I'm also not out to my family. It's kind of difficult. But I know it won't be easy. They are very conservative and very anti-gay. Only one cousin knows that I was confused... which I'm now uncomfortable about, because she's not easy to trust. I don't know if she will tell everyone else one day, or something. I actually fear that it's already happened. Recently, I've been getting daily emails from both of my aunts of scriptures and an additional message. The content sometimes seems suspicious, so I don't know if it's my paranoia, or if they are trying to guilt me into saying something and asking to be straight. I don't know.

It sucks not being out to them, because I feel like I continuously have to make myself distant from them. I know they won't accept me. There's no doubt about that. I hear their comments on homosexuality, and it's just terrible. My friends are trying to pressure me into telling my family, but I fear the results. Though, I do find it very possible they they know or suspect, already. I know for a fact I want to feel free, and be myself... but I also know they won't accept it. I don't know what they'll try to do when they find out for definite. I'm unfortunately dependent on them because of restrictions I grew up with.

[Saru]

Originally Posted by CagedBird

I'm still in the process of coming out.

For some time I went through this dark moment, where I basically just didn't talk to anyone, but people online. So I gained a lot of online friends. At the time I thought I was straight, but as the years passed, I found that to not be the case. I never really had to officially come out to them, because they just kinda saw the transition. So that was fine.

Though, the last 2 years were when I started making real friends. And that was around the time where I was battling with confusion. One friend of mine knew that I was confused, because it somehow slipped out in a conversation. Then I told this one girl who I wasn't too fond of. It sounds like a stupid move, but she's always "yay gay rights" so I kind of felt comfortable asking her about it. Well, fast forward a year later, I'm talking with one of my close friends. She's gushing about her crush, nonstop. Then finally says how I'm always quiet about that subject, and that I'm secretive. Sooo I finally told her. She was completely cool with it, but the next day, she told me that the "yay gay rights" girl ended up telling her and all my other friends. So, needless to say, I was quite upset. But I got over it, because it made officially coming out to my friends easier. As of now, only my friends and one of my teachers know. And if someone at school were to ask me if I was, I wouldn't deny it.

Like some of the others here, I'm also not out to my family. It's kind of difficult. But I know it won't be easy. They are very conservative and very anti-gay. Only one cousin knows that I was confused... which I'm now uncomfortable about, because she's not easy to trust. I don't know if she will tell everyone else one day, or something. I actually fear that it's already happened. Recently, I've been getting daily emails from both of my aunts of scriptures and an additional message. The content sometimes seems suspicious, so I don't know if it's my paranoia, or if they are trying to guilt me into saying something and asking to be straight. I don't know.

It sucks not being out to them, because I feel like I continuously have to make myself distant from them. I know they won't accept me. There's no doubt about that. I hear their comments on homosexuality, and it's just terrible. My friends are trying to pressure me into telling my family, but I fear the results. Though, I do find it very possible they they know or suspect, already. I know for a fact I want to feel free, and be myself... but I also know they won't accept it. I don't know what they'll try to do when they find out for definite. I'm unfortunately dependent on them because of restrictions I grew up with.

OMG! I know exactly how you feel! Not even kidding!

When I was a kid, my parents refused to let me play with anyone in my neighborhood, because they were Atheists. So I turned to online to make friends (particularly this quite nerdy game 'RuneScape' which I unashamedly still play to this day) It felt so good to make online friends, because they accepted, and loved me for what was on the inside. But eventually I had to make real life friends, which was tough because I was rejected so many times. My parents think that gays are MADE two ways: Horrible parenting\sexually abused as children, or when they convert to Satanism they are turned Gay. They say that the spirit of the Anti Christ is at all the Rainbow coalition meetings... And when I said my best friend in Missouri was gay, my mom said "ummm... you don't hang out with him right?" But tbh, I think my mom's pissed cuz she was a fag hag in high school, and I think she still holds a grudge cuz all the guys she liked were gay.

But you're not alone Bird!

[bnmoore]

Originally Posted by Saru

OMG! I know exactly how you feel! Not even kidding!

My parents think that gays are MADE two ways: Horrible parenting\sexually abused as children, or when they convert to Satanism they are turned Gay. They say that the spirit of the Anti Christ is at all the Rainbow coalition meetings... And when I said my best friend in Missouri was gay, my mom said "ummm... you don't hang out with him right?" But tbh, I think my mom's pissed cuz she was a fag hag in high school, and I think she still holds a grudge cuz all the guys she liked were gay.

But you're not alone Bird!

Someone once tried to say it was nurture not nature to me and I found that extremely funny. Maybe even ironic. If you're familiar with Moral Orel from Adult Swim on the Cartoon Network that's what my childhood was like. I was God's bestest bud. So in my case God's the one to blame. Also as a Protestant child in a mostly Italian Catholic neighborhood I wasn't allowed to play with my neighbors. There was no Internet when I was a child. I didn't have that outlet.

I came out publicly at 21 as a presumed adult in the Summer of 1976. I never dated male or female in high school. I did date a couple of lovely young ladies while working as a musician but we made better friends than lovers. The passion just wasn't there.

I'm probably more singular than single and that may be due to nurture. I seem to require large amounts of solitude. There may or may not be anything to the Aquarian Loner attribute although when I had my chart done 30 or so years ago it was spot on.

[Spacemanatee]

I went to an all-boys private school, so I those "unusual feelings" came in pretty early on for me. I have two brothers who went there too, and when they started to notice that I may not be straight (around the 6th grade) they threatened to kick my ass. Which I guess is how I ended up being one of those "hit first, ask questions later" sorta guys.

Junior year in HS, I met my first bf. He was my classmate, and after hanging out (and 'accidentally' touching) a lot, he started to call me. My parents freaked out and said only fags talked on the phone so much.

8 years later (I'm 24 now) and me and my mom are watching CNN. They cover Prop 8, and of course, when the gays talk, she disgustedly declares that people just don't follow the Bible anymore. So I snap. I tell her that nowhere in the Bible is homosexuality considered a sin, and that the problem with the world were in people who can't read past one verse. After that she just shuts up and sits on the couch. That night, she told me that I was probably right and that God loves all of us, no matter what we are. I nodded and turned away because I didn't want her to see me cry.

I'm still not 'officially' out (to my dad at least), but my family knows. They all flinch when we go to Mass and the priest starts condemning me to hell. Good times : )

[celestial_rain]

Originally Posted by Spacemanatee

They all flinch when we go to Mass and the priest starts condemning me to hell. Good times : )

thats always a good feeling, isn't it? I'm at a Reformed Presbyterian college, and even some of my textbooks condemn me, its always so much fun.

[merlin2921]

Well, I'm 31...didn't consciously accept the fact that I was a lesbian until I was 29 and about a year away from becoming a pastor. Lost my job (church, you know), had a major nervous breakdown (resulting in IBS and a thyroid condition that are just now beginning to clear up), lost all my friends but two, and pretty much went into seclusion for months.

Well, this year at Christmas I finally decided to tell my sister that I was gay. (I've been talking with many supportive people online over these two years, and a couple of people in real life, as well.) My sister was dismayed, but not surprised. She told my mother, who was actually incredibly supportive, which shocked me - my family's very conservative Christian, with pastors for three generations back.

So...now my whole family knows. I'm actually really happy about that, because I can finally stop pretending to think Brad Pitt is hot. *Rolls eyes* But there might be trouble if a certain older male relative of mine decides to chastise me for my leanings. The man sexually abused a young female relative, but he likes to pretend he's a pillar of the church.

ANYway. That's my coming out story thus far. :P We'll have to see how things go once I start dating.