Offense taken????

[tymejumper]

This sounds like a weird post but here it goes.

My co-workers are of course good with me being lesbian and they love my wife also. We go everywhere together. These are the people I have known for 7 years and they are very supportive. My issue lies with my boss, whom is very supportive also. He is very protective of me and we get on well, I actually really like my boss a great deal and I think we would be pretty good friends if he was not my boss. Several of us go into his office in the mornigns and have coffee and chat a bit before the day gets going.

So what exactly is my problem? Now that my boss knows, he is almost too overprotective of me. He will stop other people, my co workers, whom have known forever, from saying anything he preceives to be homophobic. We have always been a very funny crew, we joke alot. We talk about everyones follies and such, like my Physical Therapist is from the Phillipeans and we tease him about eating cats and such, we laugh about my fashion sense and how I am always showing my ' gay' gene, and how my other coworker who was born in Alabama is a hillbilly. We would honestly go to the mat for each other and no one is offended. If one of them says something like "hey, is so and so gay?(in this case Rob Thomas) and they ask it of me, my boss asks them to please stop. He has asked me about my wife, and talks about his, but he also makes sure that no one offends me. We were talking about games we used to play as kids and how they would be considered politically incorrect now like 'smear the queer' which actually meant to tackle the nerdy boy on the team, when he got all embarassed and turned bright red saying it was not really ok for me to have to hear that. Its like he has turned into my one man protection crew/superhero to protect my gay sensibilities or something.( I also happen to be one of his favorite employees).

I dont know how to handle it. He really is trying to show me respect and I have stated several times that these things do not offend me. I really wish that he would just treat me like its no big deal, to be lesbian, instead of making it so I am kept from hearing all the things people say in day to day lives. I feel like an anamoly, and like I am suppost to be treated special now that he knows. I know he is trying to be pollitically correct and not offend, to protect my feelings and such, he has said so himself, but he does not seem to get that it is offensive to have others be all correct all the time! It's like there is a huge gay elephant in the room.

Does anyone know how best to deal with this? Just wait for it to pass? Or talk to him about all the PCing all over the place?? It's driving me nuts.

[bnmoore]

Originally Posted by tymejumper

This sounds like a weird post but here it goes.

Does anyone know how best to deal with this? Just wait for it to pass? Or talk to him about all the PCing all over the place?? It's driving me nuts.

Would your boss be offended if you told him to quit being such a vag?

"Does your wife know she's married to a woman?" is also pretty effective with men.

You could try to explain that you are comfortable with your own sexuality and with his. Why make it a thing when it isn't one?

[Alecto]

I'm not necessarily very good at navigating the socially awkward bits, but to be fair, he's in a precarious position. I'm not sure what you do, but are there other people that might overhear and be offended (in which case maybe all of you should be more careful about where you joke)? I'm sure he IS concerned with your well-being and doesn't want to offend you, but as the boss he might also be worried about what ends up happening if someone does: do you work for a company with a policy that will get him in trouble? Are there legal protections in place in your state? If none of those issues are applicable, you might just tell him "Look, like... we talk about so-and-so's ethnicity, and such and such's being a hillbilly. We all know each other and we all know how it's meant, and it's actually excluding me MORE by making it not ok to talk about me."

I do also want to re-emphasize to try and pay attention to who's overhearing you. I always feel 80 billion times worse when I hear something offensive that isn't directed at me, because it's like I don't know socially if I have a right to be offended, but I still always am. (Legally speaking, if said protections are in place, those folks DO have a right to file a complaint). I also get really angry when I politely tell someone I've found something they've said offensive (and if they meant well, I'm getting pretty good about doing that politely and without anger or judgement) and they brush me off because it's ok with their other friend (who may or may not exist). I'm not sure if that one was related or not, but there it is. Good luck.

[drobs]

The office is a professional environment. You might not be the only gay person in the building. Just because you are ok with the joking amongst your co-workers doesn't mean that everyone else is.

If your company has an equal opportunity provision that includes LGBT, your boss needs to walk a fine line. Joking around is fine but it's best to do it outside the office.

I had a similar situation in my last office. I was out in the office. A co-worker of mine, who I consider a friend, was getting a little out of hand watching the You-Tube videos of that Hard Gay comedian character. I didn't find it offensive but it concerned me that he was being so open about his loud disrupting internet usage.

He asked me if I found it offensive, I said no, but asked him to tone it down and not ruin internet privileges for all of us. He kept it up and a manager stepped in and called us both separately in to the office to talk about it.

The manager asked if I was offended by his actions. I said wasn't but mentioned I can't speak for every gay person in the office. Another gay person might find it offensive and it's really not appropriate behavior for an office environment where we have clients and suppliers visiting.

I also mentioned that I enjoy my internet privileges, just as much as the next guy, but would appreciate him toning it down. No one was written up but we both were able to clear the air.



One last story...
The 2nd company I ever worked at, was a small privately owned manufacturing company. My boss at the time gave me a pc of wisdom that I have found very helpful through out my career.

He told me to be careful in the office. Don't get pulled into the office gossip. Come in do your job and leave. Keep your personal life separate from your office life, treat everyone with respect, and you will succeed.

I try hard to follow his advice.

[bnmoore]

My initial reply may have been a little over the top. At the present moment there are no ladies in the engineering department. When left on their own men tend to act like men. People being on tip-toe around me bugs me. I had to tell my co-workers that it would pretty much take a death threat to get me to go to H.R.

We all tend to indulge in what I would call camera stalking the anchors when they're not on air. The funny thing to me is that no-one has ever commented or seemed to notice what camera I leave routed up and walk away from. It's just more evidence to me that we're all alike although the targets may be different.

It seems to me that a lot of ladies will say things to me they would never say out loud to their husbands or boyfriends. Maybe it is TMI but they seem to have something they want to talk about and I'm more than happy to listen.

[tymejumper]

Thankyou for the advice everyone. I feel alot better reading what you have all said about the legalities, they never crossed my mind. Here in MI, we don't have alot of legal rights yet, so I guess I just assumed that there are not 'real' legal ramifications involved. It never really dawned on me that there could be a legal issue if the person in question(me), was not offended.

We do have other gay people in the building, and I am sure he is trying to protect me, and the whole Rehab department. I guess he is taking steps much in the same way I do. I always make sure his office door is open when I go to talk to him alone if I can(unless its very private), to prevent rumors and such from emerging. This is for both our protections, people have dirty minds, especially those who do not know I am a lesbian.

[tymejumper]

Originally Posted by Alecto

I'm not necessarily very good at navigating the socially awkward bits, but to be fair, he's in a precarious position. I'm not sure what you do, but are there other people that might overhear and be offended (in which case maybe all of you should be more careful about where you joke)? I'm sure he IS concerned with your well-being and doesn't want to offend you, but as the boss he might also be worried about what ends up happening if someone does: do you work for a company with a policy that will get him in trouble? Are there legal protections in place in your state? If none of those issues are applicable, you might just tell him "Look, like... we talk about so-and-so's ethnicity, and such and such's being a hillbilly. We all know each other and we all know how it's meant, and it's actually excluding me MORE by making it not ok to talk about me."

I do also want to re-emphasize to try and pay attention to who's overhearing you. I always feel 80 billion times worse when I hear something offensive that isn't directed at me, because it's like I don't know socially if I have a right to be offended, but I still always am. (Legally speaking, if said protections are in place, those folks DO have a right to file a complaint). I also get really angry when I politely tell someone I've found something they've said offensive (and if they meant well, I'm getting pretty good about doing that politely and without anger or judgement) and they brush me off because it's ok with their other friend (who may or may not exist). I'm not sure if that one was related or not, but there it is. Good luck.

Yeah I had the priveledge of overhearing a true gay bashing at work not to long ago. It was about another employee and I had to step in and say "hey, there are family members here that have gay friends and family and could be offended, so this would not be the best place to talk like how you are". It actually did make me cry later that day, that people could be so mean. I told one co-worker that is very close to me and she got really mad about it. However, being in MI, there are not really any laws on the books yet that protect LGBT people and we are smaller, with no actual HR in place, nor protections in the company itself. I could report it to no one.

However, on a brighter note, no one gets fired for being gay either, we do not avoid LGBT people, and most everyone is pretty supportive actually. We do have several gay employees, we are all out to different degrees of course. Our Administrator actually is from the east side of the state and they are very gay friendly there, she goes to our local gay bar to catch the drag shows often.

[bnmoore]

It is true that you never know who's listening or who is going to be offended. We do have classes which have mostly moved on-line now and are interactive. Small quizzes are included. They are tied to your login and leave a digital signature. Everyone supposedly knows what company policies are. Our internal LGBTQ group is part of Business Resources. I don't really run into that many openly hostile people at work.

Actually something happened that completely slipped my mind. I may have told this story before. One of my co-workers was sitting by the glass wall with a hallway outside. Anyone could have looked in. He had a web site open with a full page "God Hates Fags". My only comment was "Nice calligraphy". He didn't know he was working next to a gay man. He does now and we're much better friends because of that incident. He comes looking for me if we're not scheduled to work in the same place. His wife has a little bakery and I took one of her specialty cakes to our extended gay family Thanksgiving dinner. Sometimes it is just ignorance and not hate.

[Daniel]

How about letting the guy know that you are glad that he is watching your back? This can be overt, or through the use of body language (smile!). Eventually, his zealousness may calm down somewhat.

[bnmoore]

Not that it has anything to do with anything but I'm the fifth house on my street. There are eight lesbians between me and the corner. Most of them refer to our town as Hooterville. I have no reason to argue with them. My perspective may be slightly warped.

If you're too young to remember Petticoat Junction, look it up. I have an honorary "Jo" as a middle name.

[tymejumper]

Well, I have an update to post.

My boss had a few days he was without a car and needed a ride. He needed to be dropped off only a few miles from my house, and I go that way home anyhow, so I offered him a ride. He happily accepted, so I gave him a ride.

My car is very gay friendly, I have equality signs and buttons in it and he looked around and read them all. Then he asked me questions. We had a great talk. He asked me what rights we didn't have and felt it was very unfair that it was that way. He asked if we thought that calling gay marriage something other than marriage would get around the religious issue, and maybe we could get at least our legal rights. He felt we had a right to them. He also asked what the colors of the Pride flag meant and did it represent things from the LGBT community only or other things? He wondered about other flags and symbols also since he knew nothing much about LGBT community. I got to tell him that I was pretty mellow about it all and it was not easy to offend me, I knew what someone was being rude or hateful. I told him I appreciated him watching my back in regards to that also.

Things are so much nicer now that we chatted, and he treats me more like a person. I think he just does not know many LGBT people and was uncertain how to make us both comfortable. I also have found that people often are ok with it, and really don't care, but they really try to go out of their way to make it known they are ok with it. And they over do it. So it's a happy ending from this point of view.

[stav]

It sounds like he is accidentally being a bit intrusive, but not meanly so - if it's bearable for you, I reckon he will taper off soon enough. Sounds like he might be versing himself up and doing learning - which is not really reading you right or what you need. Some people just go through a curiosity phase and are really openly inquisative.

Also - he's a boss, and sounds like a bit of a 'shepherd' boss, so, loves to rescue and look after others.

I guess if it crosses a threshold, or escalates, you'd have to do something, but my gut is telling me he'll quieten down soon. Bit like a kid with a new toy.

Kind Regards
stav