Hi, I'm JB

[jbtide]

I'm JB-sorry this gets long winded

I am a 29 year old male who has some questions that maybe someone can help me with. I am stuggling with my sexuality, and what it means for my faith.

I was raised in a conservative Baptist home by two loving parents. I couldn't ask for any better. I became active in my local church as a teenager and became born again at age 17. Several years later, I enrolled in a conservative seminary to be a minister. I graduated several years ago. I had a hard time finding a ministry position because I am not married.

During my high school years, I had some same sex experiences, but kind of blew it off as just being stupid. When I got into college, I started to experience attraction to other men, but ignored it, for reasons that it was "gross and unnatural, and sinful".

Several years ago (around 2006), I came to terms with that fact that I had attraction to both males and females, and considered myself bisexual. I still dated females because I did not want anyone to know. I came out to two of my friends, one who is a lesbian and my closest male friend who is straight. My lesbian friend said the day she met me she tagged me as bi. I am very much straight acting, I like sports and fit most male stereotypes, so how she knew there is not telling.

Now that I am back home pursing education in the health care field, I need to live at home to save money, with my mom. My dad passed away a few years ago at the end of my time in seminary. Each time I have dated women, it has felt forced, like I'm doing it because it is what is expected of me. After a few failed relationships, I have decided to stay single. I have begun to think that I am possibly not bi, but gay. Reason being is that I am much more attracted to males than females. I desire intimacy with males more than females, and I find myself checking out men more than women.
I just can't bring myself to come out. I am not even 100% sure that I am gay. I do know that I picture myself being with a man as a life partner. I have wondered if the loss of my dad has had any role in how my desires have come about-the loss of male intimacy. I am not naive enough to think that a relationship with another male would replace my dad, and I personally find that insulting to his memory, so I do know my desire to be with men may have another cause.

I am not sure how to reconcile my sexuality and faith. Any advice and wisdom would be appreciated.