Hi, I'm JB

[jbtide]

I'm JB-sorry this gets long winded

I am a 29 year old male who has some questions that maybe someone can help me with. I am stuggling with my sexuality, and what it means for my faith.

I was raised in a conservative Baptist home by two loving parents. I couldn't ask for any better. I became active in my local church as a teenager and became born again at age 17. Several years later, I enrolled in a conservative seminary to be a minister. I graduated several years ago. I had a hard time finding a ministry position because I am not married.

During my high school years, I had some same sex experiences, but kind of blew it off as just being stupid. When I got into college, I started to experience attraction to other men, but ignored it, for reasons that it was "gross and unnatural, and sinful".

Several years ago (around 2006), I came to terms with that fact that I had attraction to both males and females, and considered myself bisexual. I still dated females because I did not want anyone to know. I came out to two of my friends, one who is a lesbian and my closest male friend who is straight. My lesbian friend said the day she met me she tagged me as bi. I am very much straight acting, I like sports and fit most male stereotypes, so how she knew there is not telling.

Now that I am back home pursing education in the health care field, I need to live at home to save money, with my mom. My dad passed away a few years ago at the end of my time in seminary. Each time I have dated women, it has felt forced, like I'm doing it because it is what is expected of me. After a few failed relationships, I have decided to stay single. I have begun to think that I am possibly not bi, but gay. Reason being is that I am much more attracted to males than females. I desire intimacy with males more than females, and I find myself checking out men more than women.
I just can't bring myself to come out. I am not even 100% sure that I am gay. I do know that I picture myself being with a man as a life partner. I have wondered if the loss of my dad has had any role in how my desires have come about-the loss of male intimacy. I am not naive enough to think that a relationship with another male would replace my dad, and I personally find that insulting to his memory, so I do know my desire to be with men may have another cause.

I am not sure how to reconcile my sexuality and faith. Any advice and wisdom would be appreciated.

[Gennee]

Hi JB and welcome. There are many of us here who have asked the same question. First of all, God loves you as you are. It's part of what he has planned for your life.

I came out as a transgender person five yeas ago at age fifty-six. I felt different all my life and it wasn't until 2005 that I discovered my true gender identity. I reconciled my faith with my transgenderism. I felt His peace and he confirmed me as His child. I haven't looked back.

I'm happy that you found the site. You'll be hearing from others soon.

Gennee

[Daniel]

Originally Posted by jbtide

I'm JB-sorry this gets long winded

I am a 29 year old male who has some questions that maybe someone can help me with. I am stuggling with my sexuality, and what it means for my faith.

I was raised in a conservative Baptist home by two loving parents. I couldn't ask for any better. I became active in my local church as a teenager and became born again at age 17. Several years later, I enrolled in a conservative seminary to be a minister. I graduated several years ago. I had a hard time finding a ministry position because I am not married.

During my high school years, I had some same sex experiences, but kind of blew it off as just being stupid. When I got into college, I started to experience attraction to other men, but ignored it, for reasons that it was "gross and unnatural, and sinful".

Several years ago (around 2006), I came to terms with that fact that I had attraction to both males and females, and considered myself bisexual. I still dated females because I did not want anyone to know. I came out to two of my friends, one who is a lesbian and my closest male friend who is straight. My lesbian friend said the day she met me she tagged me as bi. I am very much straight acting, I like sports and fit most male stereotypes, so how she knew there is not telling.

Now that I am back home pursing education in the health care field, I need to live at home to save money, with my mom. My dad passed away a few years ago at the end of my time in seminary. Each time I have dated women, it has felt forced, like I'm doing it because it is what is expected of me. After a few failed relationships, I have decided to stay single. I have begun to think that I am possibly not bi, but gay. Reason being is that I am much more attracted to males than females. I desire intimacy with males more than females, and I find myself checking out men more than women.
I just can't bring myself to come out. I am not even 100% sure that I am gay. I do know that I picture myself being with a man as a life partner. I have wondered if the loss of my dad has had any role in how my desires have come about-the loss of male intimacy. I am not naive enough to think that a relationship with another male would replace my dad, and I personally find that insulting to his memory, so I do know my desire to be with men may have another cause.

I am not sure how to reconcile my sexuality and faith. Any advice and wisdom would be appreciated.

Hi JB- Welcome to Soulforce.

I'm Daniel. I went to an AoG school and came out at the age of 28 or so. In two weeks I will be 52.

A lot of what you write reminds me of how things were for me. I dated women in college and felt strange doing so, yet didn't feel right about coming out as gay. Things is, I hadn't had much experience - that is - sexual experience. However, once I fell in love with a guy- everything changed.

You put your finger on something very important- I believe- when you wrote about desiring intimacy with men more that women, which reminds of something the writer Christopher Isherwood once wrote (which I will paraphrase): 'You can sleep with anyone, but it's who you fall in love with that matters." And when you use the word 'intimacy', it sounds like 'love' to me.

The ex-gay people would like you (and everyone else for that matter) to think that gay guys are the way they are because they are searching for the love of their fathers. But that doesn't makes sense, especially in your case. You clearly state that your parents loved you, right? Why pathologize it now?

Furthermore, I know lots of 'straight' acting gay men. But that doesn't make them any less gay. They go home to their husbands in the suburbs just like everyone else. Acting is one thing. Being is another. And they are not the same thing. I also know some very 'effeminate' straight men. What does this mean? That nature love diversity. Best not to pigeonhole people.

There is another big clue in your post too. You picture yourself with another man. Hello! Stop the presses. I'd take that a big deal.

So you are having a hard time dealing with coming out to Mom while living at home. Well. That's the sanest thing you've written so far. Coming out- even under the best of circumstances (parents who already know and are supportive) can be very stressful. It can be a big deal, especially if one is from a religiously conservative family.

There is something else in your post that caught my attention. It sounds like you have abandoned finding a church because you may believe (and rightly so) that it will be - and is- too hard to find a position as an unmarried (to a woman) man. Kudos to you- I have to say- for not marrying a gal just to get a job. That would make you husband material in my eyes (don't freak out, I'm already married). Why. Because it shows that you have some ethics.

Guess what? You could be married to a man and have a church, perhaps not in the conservative denomination of your seminary, but one nevertheless. That might sound like traveling to the Moon to you, but stranger- and even more wonderful things- have happened to people.

Best I can say? Follow the call of Love.

[jbtide]

Thank you both for your kind words. I do think for me at this point it is not healthy to obsess about my sexual orientation, but just let things be as they are. At the same time, being open and honest with myself is very liberating. The depressing part is not being able to be open about it with everyone.

I can always find a new church that is affirming of me. I love the people at my old church and go way back with them, but I cannot be part of any institution that is not affirming of me.

A question though. A gay male that I have been talking to online has told me that if I have questions about my sexuality and am sure, that I should try being with a guy-and I don't mean in a dating sense, but in the sexually intimate sense. What do yall think of that? As a conservative Christian, I have always marched to the beat of the "no sex outside of marriage" drum. But I feel the need to be with a man to understand myself and my sexuality better.

Thoughts?

[Daniel]

Originally Posted by jbtide

Thank you both for your kind words. I do think for me at this point it is not healthy to obsess about my sexual orientation, but just let things be as they are. At the same time, being open and honest with myself is very liberating. The depressing part is not being able to be open about it with everyone.

I can always find a new church that is affirming of me. I love the people at my old church and go way back with them, but I cannot be part of any institution that is not affirming of me.

A question though. A gay male that I have been talking to online has told me that if I have questions about my sexuality and am sure, that I should try being with a guy-and I don't mean in a dating sense, but in the sexually intimate sense. What do yall think of that? As a conservative Christian, I have always marched to the beat of the "no sex outside of marriage" drum. But I feel the need to be with a man to understand myself and my sexuality better.

Thoughts?

I'm not exactly a card carrying Christian at the moment having inculcated at lot of stuff from Buddhist practice - that is - meditation practice. Of course Buddhist's aren't hung up about labels. But this is a whole other discussion.

Sleeping with someone just to affirm your self-perception that you are gay is one way to go. And you wouldn't be the first or the last person to do so: it's normal to want to love and be loved. Personally, I don't buy the idea notion of no sex before marriage. After all, it's a stance that is said more than it is practiced. My own perspective is that being a lover- that is - a person who knows how to make love- is learned behavior. And having a partner that you can trust and with whom you can explore can be very helpful.

If you feel the need, opportunity will present itself eventually.

Be safe!

[Tallit]

I'm not a Christian either (duh). i am kinda a "sex in a commited relationship" type of guy. While I understand how you feel, I'm not sure that being with someone just to figure out you sexual orientation is fair or would be good for someone who believes as you do. People aren't cars that you can just take out for a test drive.

[keltic63]

Originally Posted by jbtide

A question though. A gay male that I have been talking to online has told me that if I have questions about my sexuality and am sure, that I should try being with a guy-and I don't mean in a dating sense, but in the sexually intimate sense. What do yall think of that? As a conservative Christian, I have always marched to the beat of the "no sex outside of marriage" drum. But I feel the need to be with a man to understand myself and my sexuality better.

Thoughts?

Originally Posted by Daniel

Sleeping with someone just to affirm your self-perception that you are gay is one way to go. And you wouldn't be the first or the last person to do so: it's normal to want to love and be loved. Personally, I don't buy the idea notion of no sex before marriage. After all, it's a stance that is said more than it is practiced. My own perspective is that being a lover- that is - a person who knows how to make love- is learned behavior. And having a partner that you can trust and with whom you can explore can be very helpful.

If you feel the need, opportunity will present itself eventually.

Be safe!

Originally Posted by Tallit

I'm not a Christian either (duh). i am kinda a "sex in a commited relationship" type of guy. While I understand how you feel, I'm not sure that being with someone just to figure out you sexual orientation is fair or would be good for someone who believes as you do. People aren't cars that you can just take out for a test drive.

I'm going to jump in on this one. I agree with Tallit, people aren't cars that you test drive. I agree with Daniel, it may be helpful to give it a try. so where is the middle ground?

And ye harm none, do what ye will.

Men are very good at sex for recreation. Women seem to always want that emotional connection. This is very often a problem for straight people. A man cheats on his female partner, gets caught, the partner is crushed, and the guy is baffled. He was playing, the wife is betrayed. gay men, in a sense, have the option of sex for intimacy, or sex for fun, and I think that's why we take a bad rap for being promiscuous.

Now, that all said, would it be a terrible thing if you did have sex with another man, knowing that it was for mutual pleasure, to honor and enjoy each other physically, but with the understanding that it has little or no emotional attachment? The important thing here would be respect for each other. Don't allow yourself to be harmed, don't harm another person. You may be able to find plenty of men to jump into bed with, but that may play into their addictions or problems. but you may also find another likeminded man who just wants to have some fun and be willing to help you. It's not a one-night stand, sex without any kind of respect, that i'm advocating. but I'm also not for "no sex before marriage" because as Daniel pointed out, that rarely is followed.

I say, find a man and get busy! I think you're gonna find that your orientation lies where your attraction is. besides, sex is just a small part of who any of us are.

[jbtide]

Originally Posted by keltic63

I'm going to jump in on this one. I agree with Tallit, people aren't cars that you test drive. I agree with Daniel, it may be helpful to give it a try. so where is the middle ground?

And ye harm none, do what ye will.

Men are very good at sex for recreation. Women seem to always want that emotional connection. This is very often a problem for straight people. A man cheats on his female partner, gets caught, the partner is crushed, and the guy is baffled. He was playing, the wife is betrayed. gay men, in a sense, have the option of sex for intimacy, or sex for fun, and I think that's why we take a bad rap for being promiscuous.

Now, that all said, would it be a terrible thing if you did have sex with another man, knowing that it was for mutual pleasure, to honor and enjoy each other physically, but with the understanding that it has little or no emotional attachment? The important thing here would be respect for each other. Don't allow yourself to be harmed, don't harm another person. You may be able to find plenty of men to jump into bed with, but that may play into their addictions or problems. but you may also find another likeminded man who just wants to have some fun and be willing to help you. It's not a one-night stand, sex without any kind of respect, that i'm advocating. but I'm also not for "no sex before marriage" because as Daniel pointed out, that rarely is followed.

I say, find a man and get busy! I think you're gonna find that your orientation lies where your attraction is. besides, sex is just a small part of who any of us are.

Thanks for your words. I agree alot with the stuff I highlighted in bold. Last thing I want to do is use another person. My ultimate goal is a relationship. I have always believed sex should only take place in the context of a committed relationship (during my more conservative days, marriage only). The two to me are complementary. By no means am I into sleeping around just to figure myself out. You know, several people at my old church who preached "no sex before marriage" I found out slept together while engaged. Makes you think, doesn't it?


I figure that if I get into a relationship with a guy, and he is the one, I will get a sense of fulfillment and we both will desire the intimacy, which never happened with any female before, with me.

[E.B.G.]

Hi JB,

As a Jew-turned-Christian who's been through his own hell about reconciling faith and the physical, I suggest you do what's in your heart. If you feel the overwhelming inclination to be with a guy and that's all you can think about, I'd consider just giving it a try. If it doesn't feel right, don't go through with it. (Or if you do, be sure and protect yourself.) Personally, I was only able to accept my sexuality after long periods of prayer, then actually pursuing it with someone.

Hoping this helps,
Eric.

[antiochian]

Hi there and welcome. I've felt a lot of what you have and are feeling, minus the dating girls part--I never did that, except twice at junior and senior prom. I remember how I longed to be held by a man, loved and cared for by a man, not a woman. I remember how I'd spent hours fantasizing about guys I had crushes on. It took me a few years, but I knew I was gay by 15. The feelings were just there. They didn't need confirmation via sexual experience, although I did enjoy it when it happened.

I didn't come out till I was 19. I'm 30 now. My mom finally came around and accepted me fully last year--a decade after I told her I who I am. I didn't think it would ever happen, but alas, miracles do occur. Coming out is so important, and you have to listen to your heart to know when it's time. God made you to be a reflection of his love. Whether you love men or women (or both) is not important. I kind of like women as well, but not nearly as much as fellas. I don't know if this will help at all, just rambling. Blessings!