4 times! Really?

[pnggrad79]

But she posts on Facebook "how do you get thru a divorce,can someone please get me off this rollercoaster?" I am like, UH you left, dear, you caused the rollercoaster, you caused all drama. Scotty she devastated me,and that doesn't even come close to the despair I have felt the past 2months. Killing myself seemed like a way to escape it. But I got home today from Alaska, which was exquisitely beautiful,and my two girls are such a godsend to me and if I didn't have them I would drown. They are wonderful support.

I rode home on the plane so depressed and wondering why Ishould even bother coming home. I am so used to her being there doing all this with me,but the aloneness is what is knocking me down. I have never felt so alone, barren, broken and bruised by the one person I love most in the world. I still stand here with my mouth open wondering what the hell happened?

[E.B.G.]

You have got to try and put that broad in her place. Clearly, you still love her. If you're remotely willing to stand by and take any of her garbage, you have to throw it back at her. Don't let her threaten you or walk out or anything like that again. If you can't just let her go, don't let her get the upper hand, eithe

Or, the next time she does something like this, then tries worming back into your life with sappy songs, just yell at her. She sounds like she needs it.

[scott snedeker]

Originally Posted by pnggrad79

But she posts on Facebook "how do you get thru a divorce,can someone please get me off this rollercoaster?" I am like, UH you left, dear, you caused the rollercoaster, you caused all drama. Scotty she devastated me,and that doesn't even come close to the despair I have felt the past 2months. Killing myself seemed like a way to escape it. But I got home today from Alaska, which was exquisitely beautiful,and my two girls are such a godsend to me and if I didn't have them I would drown. They are wonderful support.

I rode home on the plane so depressed and wondering why Ishould even bother coming home. I am so used to her being there doing all this with me,but the aloneness is what is knocking me down. I have never felt so alone, barren, broken and bruised by the one person I love most in the world. I still stand here with my mouth open wondering what the hell happened?

It sucks!

Here is a song to veg-out to

[pnggrad79]

I told her today via text message that I am done! I am tired of beating my head against a brick wall and pouring all my energy into the definition of futility. She wants her freedom,she can have it. I am tired of being the little hurt puppy! Damn her! I hope she falls flat on her face. I move into an apt on Aug.1 and will start living my life alone. Well, with my two daughters, but essentially alone. They have their own lives and will be gone in a year or so. So essentially alone. I just need time to heal and put everything she ever said or did in attic in my head and try to forget. It may be impossible, but I think the more I don't see her, the better off I will be. She has become this cold,hard,ruthless bitch and I don't like her now. I will always love her but that has to be put to rest as well.

[scott snedeker]

Originally Posted by pnggrad79

I told her today via text message that I am done! I am tired of beating my head against a brick wall and pouring all my energy into the definition of futility. She wants her freedom,she can have it. I am tired of being the little hurt puppy! Damn her! I hope she falls flat on her face. I move into an apt on Aug.1 and will start living my life alone. Well, with my two daughters, but essentially alone. They have their own lives and will be gone in a year or so. So essentially alone. I just need time to heal and put everything she ever said or did in attic in my head and try to forget. It may be impossible, but I think the more I don't see her, the better off I will be. She has become this cold,hard,ruthless bitch and I don't like her now. I will always love her but that has to be put to rest as well.

Time, always time, just give me tiime. I'll be fine

[BrianB]

Honey, a part of you will always love her. It's just the way we're made. Sometimes you have to move on anyway because the relationship is costing you too much. Emotional costs is what I mean more than anything. Time does make things hurt less. Keeping busy helps too. Then maybe one day when you least expect it your heart will be ready to love again.

[pnggrad79]

Thanks, Brian. It just seems like a waste of time.I thought we had progressed past the point where we didn't treat each other so badly. The first 10 years of our relationship was that, just trading potshots at each other. But the next 12, we really made an effort to treat each other very well. I don't know who or what she is listening to that would make her deliberately hurt me so much and so thoroughly. It is like one minute she is loving and sweet and the next she is a mean,controlling, brutal bitch. I don't know where all this is coming from.

Two nights before she left, she asked me to write down the things that she did that made me feel loved. So I did, took a lot of time the next day to do this. I assumed she was doing it too. So that night, I asked if she was ready to share our lists and she kinda laughed and said, "I didn't even start mine." I thought she really didn't take this seriously. Anyway she grabbed a piece of paper off the floor and scribbled on it for about 10 minutes and we shared our lists. First on her list was for me, since I got home first, was to at least have a plan of what we were going to eat that night. I took issue with that, because I work just as hard as she does, and I didn't feel it was fair for me to have the burden of doing that after a long day. I told her in an email that I thought it was a joint effort and we needed to cooperate with each other to make it work. Now, in any of that, do you see that I took her "heart" and stomped on it, throwing her feelings back in her face? I don't see it. But that is what she said, that I took her feelings that she gave from heart and threw them back in her face. The next day she left and hasn't come back. All because I said I wanted cooperation and communication to take place. All because of DINNER! Then came the accusations of I was the roadblock to all her dreams and goals. So it wasn't necessarily about dinner, as much as it was, I was getting in the way of her ambitions.

Whatever,now she claims that if I change my attitude she will come back. So I have to change and she doesn't? Hell,no! It has been 2 months and I am an emotional basket case and she expects me to swallow all the hurt, and anger and feelings of rejection and stupidity and go on as if nothing happened. She says when she sees that I can take care of myself, be emotionally stable, she will come back. So I have to do all the work so she will come back and do this crap to me again? I just don't know at this point.
She has become Darth Vader, cold, hard, ruthless and brutal. I don't like who she has become. I am wondering if I just fell in love with an illusion.

[Daniel]

Originally Posted by pnggrad79

I thought she really didn't take this seriously. Anyway she grabbed a piece of paper off the floor and scribbled on it for about 10 minutes and we shared our lists. First on her list was for me, since I got home first, was to at least have a plan of what we were going to eat that night. I took issue with that, because I work just as hard as she does, and I didn't feel it was fair for me to have the burden of doing that after a long day.

Here's what I hear.

1) She didn't spend all night writing up her list so her doing it for 10 minutes isn't worthy of you. Ergo: your love for her MUST be worth more, while hers for you is doggy-poo.

2) You criticize what she gives you. In fact, I bet you rate her all the time. Gee that's nice to live with (this kind of stuff is usually done to us as kids and we pass it on without awareness. I am betting the source was your mother).

I wasn't there, and you are only giving your side of the story. But you know what? Neither of you is looking very pretty. You both love this insane power trip you inflict on each other, which is why I am going to go back to something I asked earlier on this thread and you completely ignored: what are you getting out of this constant bickering? What's the payoff? You keep scratching this wound, making it bleed over and over again, which tells the reader that something is very very wrong.

You need professional help to deal with this. The story you've recounted is just the tip of the iceberg. And if you don't deal with the underlying issues, you are going to replicate them in your next relationship, that is, if you don't start back up with your 2 month moved away girl-friend for round 5.

Be the change you seek!

[scott snedeker]

Originally Posted by pnggrad79

I am wondering if I just fell in love with an illusion.

It is the illusion or dream that is most difficult to resist or let go of. She owns all of her suffering, but does not know this nor does she acknowledge her accountability for her own suffering. So she uses you for emotional toilet paper.

The fault and responsiblilty for her suffering is all yours according to her. Well that's not dandy even if she's paying you $200 per hour for psychotherapy. Even therapist wouldn't put up with that shit for 1 hour a week!


You are not ready to forgive her now. You probably won't be ready for that until she is no longer part of your life. Appreciate the fact the she is actiing like Darth Vader. This might be the only thing that is keeping you from going back for more abuse!

Sometimes it is the vicious kick in the teeth to wake us out of our delusion about another person that we need to make overdue changes.

She's trapped by her suffering and fearfull of being further trapped by you. Because of this she is dangerous and vicious. You are the person she needs the least in this world and she is the person you need the least in this world.

Each subsequent communication with her will likely result in more and more vicious attacks. If you continue to communicate with her then it may be a need for you to feel more pain. This is a dark grudge-gratification. Pain makes you feel the gratification of being awarded victim status (Abused Martyr). This is one step above of being her toilet paper ("Deserving" of Abuse).

I entirely agree with Daniel; something dysfunctional is at work in your head and you are feeding it.

Don't stay the abused martyr for very long. It does not wear well and soon starts to stink (been there, done that, and threw it out with the used condoms and Gin Bottles)

If you communicate with her again then you are looking for drama.

Instead I suggest looking within for where this desire for drama arises.

How does it feel in your body?

How far back in your life can you remember when this need was noticeable?

What sensations in your face stomach or neck does this cause?

What other thoughts cause similar sensations?

When was the youngest time that you experienced loneliness?

What have you been willing to do to spare yourself this feeling of loneliness


Then ask yourself, when was there a time when "God was in His Heaven and all was right with the world?

Where you 5 years old? or seven? or ten?

Focus your thoughts on remembering a time when everywhere you went everybody loved you, because that was how your world was. Bring to your awareness the images, the sounds the smells. Christmas tree lights and cookies, eating too much turkey, rassling and giggling uncontrollably with your cousins etc.

This is your Heart.. This is your pure core of desire to experience the joy of living. As the adult you are in the present smile upon the child who is still there. Ask her to forgive you and help you.

Now bring you heart in contact with the first time you felt lonelinenss. Fill the lonely girl with the warrmth joy and compassion of the loved girl within you. Practice this meditational exercise twice a day for 20 minutes for the next 12 days. When your thoughts stray, gently bring your focus back. It takes practice, so don't give up if you don't do it well at first. The more you practice, the better you become.

But don't rely on my limited on-line advice. Get off the complacency/fear/drama/lard-ass mudpile and get a therapist!!!!!!!

[pnggrad79]

Tonight she texted my youngest daughter and accused her of"leeching" off of her for many years, and threatened that if we weren't out of the house by Aug. 1 she would call the police and have us evicted, plus she would throw everything out on the front lawn. I swear she is behaving like a monster. Needless to say, she made my daughter cry and I said, it is one thing to hurt me but hurt my kid, that's crossing a line. Kyrie, my youngest, said, "I swear Mom, if you ever go back to her, I will never speak to you again." I said, "After all the shit she has dealt me, I will never go back to her."
I see my therapist on Tuesday, and tell her that I have been doing some research on people who abandon their spouses not only once but 4 times, and all it pulls up is Narcissism. I think she has gone to the dark side and will never be redeemed. I don't like the person she has become in the last 2 months. All she does is issue threats and tries to blackmail us into complying with her demands.



I don't know where any of this hostility is coming from.

[keltic63]

Originally Posted by pnggrad79

Tonight she texted my youngest daughter and accused her of"leeching" off of her for many years, and threatened that if we weren't out of the house by Aug. 1 she would call the police and have us evicted, plus she would throw everything out on the front lawn. I swear she is behaving like a monster. Needless to say, she made my daughter cry and I said, it is one thing to hurt me but hurt my kid, that's crossing a line. Kyrie, my youngest, said, "I swear Mom, if you ever go back to her, I will never speak to you again." I said, "After all the shit she has dealt me, I will never go back to her."
I see my therapist on Tuesday, and tell her that I have been doing some research on people who abandon their spouses not only once but 4 times, and all it pulls up is Narcissism. I think she has gone to the dark side and will never be redeemed. I don't like the person she has become in the last 2 months. All she does is issue threats and tries to blackmail us into complying with her demands.



I don't know where any of this hostility is coming from.

ok. we get it. she's mean. the break up is nasty.

now. what about all the advice you've been given? what are you going to do with it? are you seeking a therapist?

I'm a firm believer in operant conditioning. getting a reward for a behavior increases the likelihood that you will perform that behavior again. What reward are you getting from all this drama?

Conflict requires your participation.

[tdogg]

It would probably help to forget about her or what she needs, and concentrate on you and what you need, and your daughter. It would definitely be mentally and emotionally safer and more healthy for both of you.

[pnggrad79]

Now she "wants to be friends". My daughter was like "uh hell to the damn NO. MOM! she has done nothing but screw you over and run all over you. I understand forgiveness and compassion, but she hasn't made any efforts to be conciliatory or to reach out to you. So until she makes some kind of restitution, uh I would say no, and I will be mad at you if you let her take advantage of you." I see her point very well, and it is well taken.

A week ago, she ordered the electricity cut off causing all the food in the refrigerator and freezer to go bad, and smell. She took the modem so we couldn't have internet. Then over the weekend, she made no attempt to come clean out the refrigerator or freezer, instead taking a day trip out of town. I went to Dallas because I was simply afraid that she would destroy what was left in the house. I quickly packed everything up that was remotely valuable to me and left for Dallas to be with my sister.

So last night she messages me on Yahoo chat and says,"I don't know if you would be willing or not, but I would like to start over and be friends." Sometimes I think I am dealing with a schizophrenic person. One minute she is vindictive and vengeful and the next she makes overtures of supposed friendship to me. Says she doesn't deserve it, but thought she would ask. Then she says she knows my daughters won't go for it, and I was like, "NOt after what you did to them and said to them. Girl, you have a lot of bridges to rebuild here."

My head tells me NO! My heart misses her terribly. My therapist says that she has been very careless with my feelings, throwing them around like a ragdoll. She says that she wouldn't even consider being her friend unless some drastic changes were made and I stop letting her run all over me. That is very logical and healthy. I still love her and she said she still loves me, and I am trying very hard to see things from her perspective. I suggested today that we seek counseling to work through some of these issues because I am not all that willing to give out my heart again for her to abandon me and take me for a ride again. After 4 times, I think I have finally learned my lesson. A friend of mine says that I have essentially taught her how to treat me, which is like trash. She says that my ex has made me her safety net, that she can run away for however long, but she knows I will always take her back, and tolerate this nonsense. She's right and so is my therapist. My head fully agrees. My heart misses her like crazy.

[E.B.G.]

Just forget all about her. She needs to be committed to a mental health facility where she can be monitored properly. I imagine you don't like the idea of sticking needles in her, but she needs it more than some people do.

[pnggrad79]

After 22 years together, I would need nothing short of a lobotomy to forget all about her. She was/is the love of my life but has a lot of amends to make to me before she is let back into my heavily guarded heart.

[E.B.G.]

Originally Posted by pnggrad79

After 22 years together, I would need nothing short of a lobotomy to forget all about her. She was/is the love of my life but has a lot of amends to make to me before she is let back into my heavily guarded heart.

I can't blame you either way. But, it does sound as if she needs mental assistance if she keeps going off the deep end.

[pnggrad79]

I just can't figure her out anymore and I am not with her to understand these little nuances. One minute she is mean and hateful and the next she is friendly and rather funny and bright. I understand the ups and downs of heartbreak, but I rather find it odd that she is one who left and still feels heartbroken. Maybe so, but I have only twice been in that position. Once with her and then again with my ex husband. With her, I had justified my leaving on the grounds that it was good for her to be out on her own. Much like she is doing to me now...Odd. The next time was with my ex husband and I had emotionally divorced him years before, so leaving wasn't that traumatic in the sense that I missed him and wanted to get back together. What upset me the most about him was how he treated my girls.

The thing that stumps me about this is we have had two really good conversations online over yahoo chat, and I don't know what all that means, or what is going thru her head at this point. Maybe we are on the way up and wherever that takes us, will involve a lot of counseling, healing and trust rebuilding. I am just looking for damage control here.

[E.B.G.]

Sounds like you're looking for more than damage control. You're looking for the slightest reason not to walk out on this woman. She needs help in more ways than one, and you don't. Nobody couldblame you for still loving her, but she can't be good for you if she's not even good for herself. Tell her you won't let her even be friends with you until she's gotte the help I recommended above.

[tymejumper]

I guess the best advice I an give is to not accpet her texts, and messages via chat or emails. I get the sneeking suspision that she is keeping you on a string, and pulling it to see you jump for her. She is having so much fun with the control aspect of it. Proving to herslef "see, I still have her and can control her". The outcome is pleasure for her and more and more heartbreak for you. It will be painful, but you need to cut ALL connections with her, as do your daughters. Change your email, cell phone and passwords. Change your facebook and block her from being your friend(unfriend her). Do not look on her site. At frist this will be almost unbearable, but you need to have her and her communications away from you, because with her still contacting you and your girls, she is finding a way to conrol your life and not allowing you to heal and get over her.

You need some peace and quiet right now, away from her and her games so you can think and put your thoughts in order. You do not need any communication with her. Sure, your home is in both of your names, but contact the landlord and tell him what is going on, see if you can get out of the lease. Or, get the utilities that she has cancled put in your name only. That way, she has no control over what utilities you have. Make sure that your credit cards and accounts are seperate. Cancal those that are not. Put your accounts at another bank, get another phone number and keep it unlisted. Do not open any letters from her, do not respond to any attempts by her to contact you.

My divorce was about as nasty as one can get. I was stalked, threatened, my children were threatened, my girlfriend was stalked and threatened, my children were used and placed in the middle, my credit cards and banks had to all be contacted, items were taken and at times returned destroyed. I spent pretty much everything I had and had to borrow alot to make it through, to feed my children and pay bills, he emptied our joint bank accounts leaving me with checks bouncing and not enough to pay anything. I lived at the court.

I made it, and you will also. Get some good therapy under your belt and treat yourself kindly. Lean on your friends that is what they are there for. Pray, and use the support that is out there. There is an end to this. (((HUGS)))

[pnggrad79]

My daughter's bf was very unkind to ex last night and now she blames me for his comments. He was basically defending my daughter because ex threatened to dump all of her things out on the front lawn if we weren't out of the house by Aug. 1. She didn't follow through as I am finding out, she rarely does follow thru with her more noxious threats. She did order the electricity cut off and then when the meat in the fridge and freezer melted and got all over the place, she expects me to clean it up. I thought well, it is my house too so I should help clean it up. My daughters were livid and said She cut the electricity cut off, she needs to clean up after it." I was conflicted.

So while cleaning up, she came over and helped me and then daughter's bf refused to take the trash to the dumpster and told her it was her fault this all happened. She came back into me and proceeded to yell and scream and throw things for the next 30 minutes calling me names and him names and saying mean things about my girls. I felt it best to just shut the hell up instead of making her angrier.

She said that the only reason he even said anything to her was because in her assumption, I put those ideas in his head. So I was ultimately responsible for what bf said to ex. I can't win. I never could win. I guess it really is over.
But I have said that before, too...