Hi, I'm Victor

[victor]

Hi,
I'm Victor... I'm just 14 and I am Brazilian, and most people here are quite homophobic. They often just joke about homosexuals but many times they show "pity" for them or think it is something that is gross (my family included). Though, I think my family knows I'm gay... I have known it myself since I remember. I always knew who I was. I always liked things girls liked, I have always been different from other boys... I always liked boys.

I am lost... I really don't know if I wanna, need, should or even would be homosexual or if I should just stay alone for the rest of my life and pursue celibacy... I read the articles on this website and I really wanna believe homosexuality was never mentioned in the bible and that God really doesn't mind it and will love me the same way and that I can still inherit the kingdom of Heaven even though I'm different... even if I can't bring to this world any children like God wanted from the beginning... I just wanna make God happy!

Then again, if I can ever get over this and, let's say, "pursue" homosexuality instead of celibacy, then I don't understand what rules would apply... I mean, should one stay virgin until they marry a male (and would this be correct? would God bless it?) and then have sexual relationships, or just no, because as I have heard people preach saying "No, anal sex is dirty. God hates it. It's so dirty. The proof to it is that's from where poop comes out" O_o (I don't know if I wanna laugh at this, believe it, or cry... O_o)

I have thought many times to myself "what if it really is an abomination to be a homosexual and enjoy a male partner rather than a female one, like God first wanted it to be like... God made them compatible!"

I just can't understand why God made me this way... and why homosexuals are something that are apparently new to the Earth... why? I'm lost! I don't know what to believe in... I am lost! I need answer to my questions... I need comfort... but I am so afraid of coming out to my parents... our relationship will be so different, I'm sure... maybe not with my mom, but with my dad? It sure will. My family will reject me... I'm quite sure... and even if they say they're okay with it, they obviously see homosexuality as something strange, and they will look at me differently. I just wanna be myself and be seen the same way... I want God to love me like this, but I don't know if he does. I've prayed so many times so that he could "fix" me, or change me, but it never happened, and there must be a reason for that! right?. I need help ):