friend/self has been abused...

[Jennifer5]

... why have so many people have been abused... and so many by family members. What needs to happen to stop this? There must something more we can do to stop these things from happening.... how many of you have either been abused or know someone who has been abused?

[SolApollo]

When I was in my self-hatred stage of life, it was a good friend, that is a choir director, that helped me see the "light." Her husband is a pastor and they are very progressive in thought. Feeling hopeless, she referred Mel's book, Stranger at the Gate, to me, which really was a great source of hope. Finally, here was someone who truly understood. God bless indeed!

Anyway, possible suggestions: seek a LGBT crisis hotline, PFLAG, progressive/pro-LGBT churches, true friends, family (if possible), and affirming LGBT literature.

[Jennifer5]

... Over all... for everyone... how do we help? I'm not worried about myself, I worried about all of my friends here and other places who have been hurt... there must be a real way to help stop these things from happening.

[Zerbie]

A lot of people are abused, period. It happens incredibly often.

I was. There are NO WORDS for what that whack-job did to me, and to at least a dozen other small children. I am far better at outlining the EFFECTS of severe abuse than I am at suggesting ways to stop it. If you are young and small, even if you know what's happening is wrong (and ya do) you cannot do anything to stop it as hard as you might try. Somehow, it needs to be prevented.

Best I can figger, ya gotta start by healing and recovering what was done to you, your friends, your loved ones, the guy down the street, . . . insofar as it is possible. Unfortunately, one of the effects of abuse is to make it more difficult to face real psychological healing, more so than for someone who wasn't abused, because there are survival-level defenses there that you must get past. It takes a lot of courage from those who were abused, and some people simply do not have it and cannot muster it. Like Dash's aunt. Like another girl my age who I grew up with and who was abused the same way by the same person - that little girl killed herself when she reached 17 because of what was done to us. I am lucky to have survived at all, let alone to have any degree of emotional stability.

Anyway, if you can recover, if I can recover, and we have recovered, then we do not perpetuate what was done to us. The key is getting enough people to have their survival needs, physical and psychological, met so that they don't act out in ways that are aggressive. It has to start there.

[nowvoyager]

Originally Posted by Zerbie

Anyway, if you can recover, if I can recover, and we have recovered, then we do not perpetuate what was done to us. The key is getting enough people to have their survival needs, physical and psychological, met so that they don't act out in ways that are aggressive. It has to start there.

I completely agree. Especially as so often abusers were themselves abused as children, encouraging healing is the best tool, to stop the cycle -- which must have gone on for generations. Finding ways to encourage the abused to talk about it, without shame or guilt or anything blocking that admission and healing process -- this must be some of the best we can do.

[Vanessa White]

I agree as well. Although i cannot speak from the abuse survivor point of view, I can speak as a counselor of many persons that have been abused, and are trying to heal from that. The more empowered that you can feel as a survivor, the better you can deal with what was done with you and put it in a perspective where at least you feel like you are in control of your life- maybe for the first time ever. I share my most hearfelt prayers for those friends of mine here that have been abused in their past- may God continue to heal you and comfort you through your process of healing. May God bless you all-

[Zerbie]

Thank you for the hugs and prayers Vanessa.

I was discussing this earlier today with hubby. We got on the subject of helplessness feeding into the repetition of trauma. There are some writings out there on helplessness and pessimism as a learned reaction and how drastically that can impact a life. The more I observe myself and others, I begin to speculate that a sense of control over one's environment (even if it is illusory!) may be essential to psychological health - or even psychological survival. Looking back over my childhood, I never stopped being certain that ultimately I could find or create a solution to the situation. Basically, essentially it was impossible, but the continued belief that it was possible kept me from losing my mind and collapsing completely long before I turned 10.

There have been studies of animals showing that animals who are raised without the ability to remedy problems stop trying to avoid pain, stop trying to find food. Even when they could have. They learned earlier though, that there was nothing they could do, and they don't notice that circumstances have changed. Rather, the brain programmed the stuff in.

Human beings adapt to bizarre abuses very often by developing coping mechanisms that are mal-adaptive in a healthy environment. The immense difficulty is in even getting them to notice that something they are doing is mal-adaptive, since they will assume what they are doing is just the basic survival necessity, as natural to them as breathing. How are you going to get them to notice that it ISN'T part of the air? ya know?

[Jennifer5]

I'm sorry to hear some of the hard times you've all gone through. It sounds like the best prevention really is helping those who have been abused through hard times, so that it doesn't continue.

[Rainbow kittens]

Originally Posted by Jennifer5

... why have so many people have been abused... and so many by family members. What needs to happen to stop this? There must something more we can do to stop these things from happening.... how many of you have either been abused or know someone who has been abused?

I started with myself. I made a choice to NOT continue to be my Fathers victim the rest of my life. God was a huge part of my healing. I started with helping myself to heal. I realized that I will never save everyone. I know I can't prevent every child predator. I chose to educate my children. I told them I was abused and explained that I had never felt the desire to abuse them. I gave each of my children an abuse survival kit which told them what to do if I ever was ever to abuse them or if they felt abused by anyone for that matter.
I have encouraged my children to strive to be a better parent than I have been. To think of what they felt they could improve on and use that insight if and when they become parents. I encouraged them to pass that message on to their children. Tell your kids “Be a better parent than me and pass that message on to your kids!”

Pray for the child predator.

I am looking into what all can be done to help the child predator and pedophiles.
Sure anger is a human emotion. I am not upset with myself if I feel angry that children are victims of predators. Rather, I am careful to defuse anger. Allow anger to make me aware. I have to ask myself why I feel angry and how can I use it in a positive way.

There doesn’t seem to be much support for child predators! Where do they turn for help? Can they be healed? If not, what do we do now? What would you do if they came to you for help?
I need to become more knowledgeable in order to help the predator! I do not have the answer to these questions at this time. I know at his point to I plan begin with prayer.

Love and Peace
Jade

[NathanATX]

Originally Posted by Lesbian family in Kansas

I am looking into what all can be done to help the child predator and pedophiles.
Sure anger is a human emotion. I am not upset with myself if I feel angry that children are victims of predators. Rather, I am careful to defuse anger. Allow anger to make me aware. I have to ask myself why I feel angry and how can I use it in a positive way.

There doesn’t seem to be much support for child predators! Where do they turn for help? Can they be healed? If not, what do we do now? What would you do if they came to you for help?
I need to become more knowledgeable in order to help the predator! I do not have the answer to these questions at this time. I know at his point to I plan begin with prayer.

Love and Peace
Jade

As a future parent... and as an excellent marksman with a rifle, bow & arrow, hand axe or knife... God help anyone who hurts my children.

That statement doesn't seem to hold the principles of non-violence, does it? I need to think about that...

But to the larger question of society's response to the perpetrator and, more specifically to the church's response...

I think the penalties, recovery & therapy for pedophiles need to be strengthened & reinforced.

The church's response should be to welcome everyone, unless a person poses some kind of threat to others. Unfortunately, the rate of recidivism for child predators is high. I believe our response should be to welcome the convict only on the condition that all rules and agreements for behavior and accountability are honored. Such as: giving full disclosure of his/her status as a convict to all church staff & leaders; not participating in events geared towards children, youth or families... like family picnics; etc...

We don't want to deny someone from receiving the message of love & forgiveness that the church offers, but at the same time we must be responsible to protect the members & families of the church and then to support the convict in becoming healthy again... through strict compliance with behavior rules, personal accountability, etc.

Of course, I have yet to go to seminary and get this kind of training... so my thoughts may be off track...

Basically, there should be extremely clear limits and boundaries set with a convict who is entering the church community.

[Jennifer5]

You sound like a great parent and very protective Jade, thanks for sharing.

Now Nate, finally the dark side is shown.... well, kind of... I don't think it's wrong to sound violent when it comes to protecting your own children... I think there are a lot of parents that would kill in a second if there child was in a dangerous situation. (I have some stories where those situations have come up... probably shouldn't be shared on public boards though...) you're sweet Nate, you'll be a great parent

[Lydia]

Originally Posted by Zerbie

There have been studies of animals showing that animals who are raised without the ability to remedy problems stop trying to avoid pain, stop trying to find food. Even when they could have. They learned earlier though, that there was nothing they could do, and they don't notice that circumstances have changed. Rather, the brain programmed the stuff in.

Are you referring to those older studies they did with dogs and electric shocks?

Just curious. If it was a different, newer study I wanted to know about it. /Psychology geek.

[Zerbie]

Lydia, No, I don't think so. Afraid I was going through a lot at the time that I read about it so my recall is poor. Do a search on topics like Learned Helplessness. There is at least one book available to lay readers (the one I read) and I think, many more.