Be the Bigger Person vs. Take a Stand

[tdogg]

What do you think?

Just over a year ago - 9/20/08 - I got married (to my wonderful wife). It was awesome. But something happened, or didn't happen at work. Another employee was also marrying the same day (she's a girl, her fiance is male). The office employees got together and threw her a huge shower, at work in the conference room, with her fiance, a cake, a punch fountain and gifts and a card. I contributed and signed the card like a nice employee.

I got nuthin'. That's not exactly true, we did get a card from my give employees and a gift, and two people from the office attended the event. My boss gave me well-wishes and congrats. Um...that's about it. Nothing from the 'office'. Of course I heard later that there may have been some people who were not wanting to see it done and that's as far as it went. My feelings were hurt and I guess to a small degree I'm still hurt by it. It didn't lessen our incredible day and hasn't caused any detriment to our marriage - of course.

So enter today. My boss, a co-worker (also a manager) and an ex-manager went to lunch today. The subject arose (initiated by my boss - I hadn't heard til then) that one of our co-managers was getting married in a week or two. Keep in mind that no one at the office cares for this person much. She's a terrible manager, and not a very nice person at all. I could go on, but that's not entirely the point.

My boss then asks if we were doing anything at the office for her. Colleague said nothing she was aware of. He then said well, maybe we should think about it. We brought up the point that she isn't well liked and wondered who would bother to get a card, pass it around and attempt to get gift money. He then said, that we must take the high road, be the bigger person and do the right thing. Meaning do something for her. I was more than slightly irritated but said nothing.

Meanwhile my colleague comes in to ask me what I think about it - later in the day. I told her exactly what I thought - that no one in the office did anything for me so I wasn't about to bother to handle that matter when i didn't even like the person. I explained how hurt I was that other than my five employees, one other person and my boss (and her - she congratulated the week before) - not one other person there even acknowledged my wedding. I then said that I was not about to initiate doing that for someone else.

So, am I doing the right thing. Or should I be the bigger person, buy a card and pass it around to try and collect money for a gift, even though they failed to do anything for me and I don't really care for this person, nor do I care about her wedding. Stand my ground or climb a little higher? Or would that climb actually be a slippery slope down? Would I then be supportive of heterosexual privilege?

Sheesh. Should I even have to ask this question??? It wouldn't be as difficult a situation if everyone I knew could have the opportunity to get married. Even if someone else takes this on, do I sign the card and give a couple bucks??? Would it be this difficult for me to think about if Maine had struck down Question 1?

Allright. Going to bed. Thanks for any (or no) input. It's not a major dilemma, I'm just having a hormonal evening after sobbing like a baby while watching Grey's Anatomy, thinking about all the suffering children and youth out there.

[BenL]

Originally Posted by tdogg

So, am I doing the right thing. Or should I be the bigger person, buy a card and pass it around to try and collect money for a gift, even though they failed to do anything for me and I don't really care for this person, nor do I care about her wedding. Stand my ground or climb a little higher? Or would that climb actually be a slippery slope down? Would I then be supportive of heterosexual privilege?

tdogg,

Take the highest road you're comfortable with, or maybe stretch a little beyond your comfort zone. But, whatever you do, don't set yourself up to be the martyr or do emotional violence to yourself. Your misgivings are valid. It's OK to be pissed. You have a good reason.

[bnmoore]

My feeling is that the essence of love is not altered by the genders of those expressing it. I wound up hurting my sister's feelings by not attending my nephew's wedding. I'm really big on Oneness and don't separate us into straight or gay (now). We're all just people and all people are individualized expressions of One. You could always sign Mrs. and Mrs. in big letters. You can affirm who you are without fear and with love.

The law of attraction has a reciprocal law of repulsion. Your very pleasance can keep the unpleasant away. Try it.

As always trust your own intuition. Your first impulse is usually the right one.

[Alecto]

Ok, so...looks like I'll take the "catty bitch" side.

If this were just some other straight coworker who you had neutral or even friendly feelings for, I feel like this would be "stickier"; more gray. But if many people, including yourself, don't even like her? Um, no. You CERTAINLY don't need to be the one spearheading that campaign, and I'm pretty sure if it was me and someone else was asking why I couldn't get her a gift, I'd say something about how I'm a little short on cash cause I'm still in debt for throwing my own wedding shower last year cause it's not like anyone in the office did it.

NB: I guess I might also be in "a mood" right now. But seriously, your feelings are valid, and if she's one of those people that no one really likes? This probably won't even be an issue.

[Rick336]

I think you can casually let them know that your feelings were hurt without putting them on the defensive. Let them know that your marriage is just as meaningful and loving as theirs and that you were disappointed that they didn't acknowledge it as such.

Rick

[Daniel]

Whatever you do, or don't do, I think it is good you brought up how you felt about the lack of acknowledgment of your wedding.

I am curious as to why YOU are the person what must be in the hot seat. Is your boss delegating this to you? Is there more to this situation than the gift? Office politics?

What about explaining to your boss your reservations about this matter? Put it all on the table. Then ask your boss to think of a solution. In other words: put the problem back where it began.

[tymejumper]

I am way on your side. You have done the right thing. If you want to make nice, say someting like "I am unable to head something like that, you need to get someone else to do it" but I think you should stick to your guns. The ones who matter will get your point, the rest, who cares. I would not worrry about what others think, they don't do it very often.

[tdogg]

I have decided to act on my first impulse which was to do nothing. While I would support this person minimally with a "congrats" and maybe $2 to add to the gift collection (which is my nature anyway), I won't initiate actually being the person to work on this one.

I think by being the 'bigger person' in this instance, I would actually be making myself to be a martyr in some sense so I would not in fact be the bigger person. Much of my decision has to do with not caring much for her as an individual. Had I been closer to her, then it would have made more sense to go ahead and help out.

I'm glad that I said something to my colleague. Wish I would have said something in front of my boss then and there. He didn't ask me to do something, he told 'us' (meaning myself and my colleague) that we should do the 'right thing' and do something for her. I'm not sure how or if I will talk to him, especially if he doesn't bring it up in front of me again. I probably should just so he is aware of how I feel. And after attending two days of Camp Courage I know just how to put 'my story' together. :-)

Anyways, I think the higher road in this instance is for me to stick with my first impulse and then find the time (and guts) to speak with my boss in the future. He was very supportive (vocally) to my face when I got married, including being sure I knew him and his wife voted no on Prop 8. But he obviously didn't think it was the 'right thing' to make sure something was done for me.

[tdogg]

Originally Posted by Daniel

What about explaining to your boss your reservations about this matter? Put it all on the table. Then ask your boss to think of a solution. In other words: put the problem back where it began.

I like what you say here Daniel. He didn't ask me specifically but he mentioned it to me and my colleague, so in a way he included me in his request. Hopefully I'll have the courage to actually go into his office and politely tell him why I am choosing not to initiate doing something for my co worker. It gives me an 'in' and I can simply and matter of factly explain my position.

[bnmoore]

Originally Posted by tdogg

I think by being the 'bigger person' in this instance, I would actually be making myself to be a martyr in some sense so I would not in fact be the bigger person.

Our minister always says that being a martyr doesn't sound like a whole lot of fun for the martyr. We don't claim one iota beyond equal holiness anyway. (You came that way or born blessed.)

We don't really have any high holy days in our faith. We informally took Groundhog Day. (It went along with a talk about blocking your own light.) Last week after All Saints and All Souls days we decided we would have All Sinners Week. (Basically just to celebrate our own humanity) In our faith we call sins mistakes and the punishment stops when you quit making said mistakes.

We believe in letting everyone evolve at their own rate and that you are only responsible for your own consciousness. It's more of a "Kairos" view of time.