9 year old nephew in counseling??!

[hystrybuf]

My partner and I just recently learned that my sister has her 9 year old son in counseling because he has exhibited a tendency toward "girly" things. He's never shown must interest in trucks and guns - preferring paints and pink feather boas . . . he's more interested in shopping than the rides at Epcot - and apparently identifies with female super-heroes, etc.

I realize that these are all "stereotypes", but I also know that 75 - 80% of these boys are gay. My partner and I have suspected since he was 3 - but we haven't said anything to my sister - and won't ever say anything to my nephew. If he is gay - and comes out to us someday - maybe then.

My question is this . . . what the heck could they be doing to him in this counseling? I've gotten Dobson's book "Bringing up Boys" (was actually waiting for it to catch fire as it crossed the threshold of our house!) I've read chapter the infamous chapter 9 about the origins of homosexuality and was appropriately disgusted. I know that my sister and brother-in-law are big fans of Dobson - but he just makes me cringe.

But, I still can't fathom what they could be telling him or doing to him.

A very frustrated Aunt!

[MamimiFista]

I am so sorry! That is a terrible thing to do to a child!

[Steven E. Webster]

I grew up as a little gay boy in a very large farm family. The best thing my parents ever did for me was to keep repeating, "Every one of our children is different from each other, and that's o.k!" They never discouraged any of my interests, or made me feel like there was anything wrong about me gender-wise.

Later on, when other people gave me grief about being a "sissy" or not "masculine." I never let it bother me--if that's what boys are supposed to be, to heck with that! I didn't see anything wrong with my gender expression!

I know you can't interfere in your little nephew's family, but you can let him know he's good and special and his auntie loves him just the way he is! Hopefully all this therapy will do is teach him how to put on an act--it may be a route into the theater!!!

Steven Webster

[Daniel]

Originally Posted by hystrybuf

My question is this . . . what the heck could they be doing to him in this counseling? I've gotten Dobson's book "Bringing up Boys" (was actually waiting for it to catch fire as it crossed the threshold of our house!) I've read chapter the infamous chapter 9 about the origins of homosexuality and was appropriately disgusted. I know that my sister and brother-in-law are big fans of Dobson - but he just makes me cringe.

But, I still can't fathom what they could be telling him or doing to him.

I was one of those boys who played with dolls, liked to dress in my mothers clothes and all the gay stereotypes. I certainly knew that I wasn't following the 'norm' whatever that was, which seemed to my young eyes as group control: all the 'boys will be boys' behavior was anathema to me. So I turned out to like classical muslc and art and culture. What concerns me is this: I can only imagine that your nephew is being made more self-consious than he already is- at a time when no child should be straddled with judgment (or adult either I might add). This can only tell him something is wrong with him. Even if no one comes out and says it, a child picks it up big time. (I wanted to be a ballet dancer as a child- but 'knew' enough never to open my mouth about it, knowing it was 'wrong'. My Dad told me a few weeks ago that he knew I was gay as a kid- I danced around a lot- but it scared him. Hello! Parents can make these kind of thing about them- not the child.)

You nephew is lucky to have you as a caring aunt. I would certainly look him right in the eye and let him know in no uncertain terms that you care about him as Steven suggests. You won't have to add commentary. He'll seek you out if and when he's ready to do so. Even a few words can be a life saver.

You may be able to do only so much, but that much is gold.

[Liberal Crozier]

Daniel,

This is Spouse+. Many things are both expressed and thought when we speak about these issues. Inherent in this conversation about your nephew is the relationship between you and your legal Canadian spouse and your sister and brother-in-law. We are all aware about what we can say to our siblings, and how far and effective we can be with them in the process.

It seems that your sister and brother-in-law are fundamentalists and that James Dobson represents theocratic solutions to behaviours that they abhor. I would assume that your sister's love for you may be informed and tempered by her husband, and maybe even a shared homophobic response if the nephew is more passive than dominant.

We agree with those who suggest that keeping the channels of communication open, no matter how tenuous, is better than confrontation and providing your brother-in-law with the excuse of removing you and your spouse from active contact with HIS family.

You are correct in commenting upon the fact that many gay and lesbian youth were subjected to Dobson-style "counselling" and with some scars for the process, were nevertheless able to translate into functional gay or lesbian adults. Children also learn by observation. Adolescent rebellion can often produce rejection of parental mores, and of course, hormones play their significant role.

At nine, the child is being indoctrinated - as we all do with our children - with their values and beliefs. Stay engaged, keep on loving your sister and her family - and let the passage of time and good example do its work.

[Jennifer5]

I agree with Steven and Daniel... just help make it clear that you love him no matter what... with being constantly reminded of that he'll come to you when he's ready

[Mia14]

I had an aunt myself who served as somewhat of a role model when I was younger. She was almost openly gay and was the only role model I had back then. She told me I could talk to her and she let me call her whenever I liked.

She wasn't really good at answering phone calls... or listening because she couldn't face the family with her sexuality and moved across the country.

One thing she did that really helped me, though, was to let me send her "sealed envelopes". I didn't feel comfortable keeping some things in a journal because I was afraid that someone would find it and read it. I send her letter and wrote "SEALED ENVELOPE, DO NOT OPEN". She put them in a shoebox at her house and promised not to open them. In those envelopes, I wrote letters to God, to people I was mad at, to people I had crushes on, and so many things I was mad about that seemed trivial now. A few years ago, I moved away from home and she gave me the shoebox. It was amazing to see what kind of person I was then. I also really aprpeciated having that outlet with guaranteed privacy.

Whether or not you would do the sealed envelopes with your nephew, remember that he probably needs an outlet or a form of support along with the promise that nobody else will find out about it. And please, return his phone calls...

[marutidas]

Makes me glad that I have a lesbian mother.
If my dad try to do anything to me when I living with him,(parents divorce since I was three mo. and Dad had coustedy until I was 15) well to say the very least that my mom wouldn't talk him any more.

Well, if you really love this nephew, say your peace, in a civil manner of coarse. Tell them that this could do more harm than good I they try to Convert him.
What ever you do, I hope for the best.

[newinut]

Its alwas sad to hear of those things I would be relly concernd if its a dobson follower doing the counsoling Ive had to go though stuff like this when i was little and it can couse so much shame and guilt in a young person
dave