Chris, a disillusioned Christian

[Andragogy]

Hello, my name is Chris and I would classify myself as a very disillusion (ex)Christian. The last 25 years of my adult life were spent in Christian ministry as an associate pastor of a large non-denominational church. For the better part of that time I had difficulty reconciling the church’s position on homosexuality with my inclusive disposition. I am not gay, but over the course of my 50-plus years I have had a number of gay friends of whom I have many fond memories. I never felt comfortable when discussions with my church associates turned to an issue involving homosexuality. I was unwilling to join the discussion and too afraid to voice an alternative perspective.

One of my biggest challenges was my inability to reconcile my mind with my heart over the issue. In my mind, I was unable to form a biblical argument that made room for the homosexual lifestyle in the church. But in my heart, the exclusion of gays from the body of Christ didn’t seem consistent with my conception of the nature of God.

About three years ago I discovered Soulforce and read some material and even posted a couple of questions on this forum. What I learned through that experience helped me to form a biblical argument to resolve the conflict in my mind. Today, I think I could make a pretty reasonable argument that there is room for the homosexual in God’s kingdom. However, I am not naïve enough to think I could convince someone from my old church community of the reasonableness of this argument, but it satisfies me.

Unrelated to this conflict resolution process were the circumstances that led to me leaving the church where I had met Christ and served for the past 25 years. Without telling the whole story, funding for the ministry I was responsible for ran out and the way things ended could have been handled better. Leave it to say, I was emotionally hurt in the process. While this event may be unrelated to my issue with the church’s position on homosexuality, I think the two issues are related to my current disillusionment with Christianity. I will go so far as to say that the two issues are responsible for virtually quenching my faith in the biblical God I had embraced for those 25 years.

You may be wondering why I am posting on the Soulforce forum if I am not gay. I have been thinking about doing this for a long time now and have come up with a hypothesis as to why. When I hear stories of gays “coming out” or see gays and lesbians portrayed on TV and movies enjoying life while being open about their sexual orientation I find myself feeling a little envious. It seems like I have been living a lie for most of my Christian life, perhaps similar to being “in the closet.” Posting on this forum is like taking baby steps to “coming out” for me, not regarding sexual orientation but more regarding being honest and open about who I am. And let’s be honest, I don’t think I even know who I am at the moment.

The story kind of ends here because I don’t know what “coming out” would look like for me. I am married to a Christian woman whom I met at church. She is aware that I have lost my faith, but not aware of the conflict resolution process I went though over the Christian homosexual issue. I have not been open with her about that issue, but she is supportive in my struggle over faith and the church. I am currently employed at a faith-based University and love my new job. No one there knows I have lost my faith. Everyone at work likes me and I am “fitting in” very well, but I really don’t feel a sense of belonging because no one really knows me.

I guess some of my biggest issues have to do with not feeling connected to anyone or not having a sense of belonging; not feeling like I can be completely open about things, and not knowing what I would say even if I felt safe enough to say it. This is the reason for posting on this forum. I just want to talk through these thoughts with people who will not judge me; hoping that I may feel a sense of connection through the experience.

[Gennee]

First of all, welcome. I can imagine how disappointed that you must feel. There are others who feel the same way you do. You are still a Christian even if your church is wrong. Homosexuality is a sticking point in many churches but things are changing, albeit slowly.. Does your wife feel the same way you do? Speak with her about it. I'm happy that you are an ally and doing what is right. Perhaps you can find an inclusive church.

[Gregory_de_Bois]

Wow! What a story. It's been quite some time since I posted here. I found SoulForce when I was wrestling with my sexuality as a teenager in high school. God did wonderful things through amazing people here, and I know that this place is one of the reasons I am still alive.

I don't have a lot to say, except that you are welcome here. I hope that this place will provide you with the care you need. Your story is incredible, and you sound like a generous human being. Thank you for this. I hope your faith will be made truly whole.

Grace and Peace,

Greg

[Andragogy]

Hi Gennee, thank you for the welcome. No, my wife does not feel the same way as I do. I spoke with her about it a few times years ago while I was wrestling with the issue and the conversations quickly became tense and both of us would get defensive. So they were unproductive. I have not spoken with her about it sense I have resolved the issue in my mind.

[Andragogy]

Hi Greg, thank you for your kind words. Blessings

[offog]

I'm a straight person, too and joined this site to show support for the GLBT community, but it turned into something more. I've posted threads to the General Discussion forum a few times over the last few years and Soulforce has helped me get through a couple of things such as the death of my mother.

Soulforce is a safe and friendly space to discuss just about anything, whether it's a political issue or a personal issue you need help with.

I've never been religious so I can't identify with your crisis of faith, but I have a friend who might understand. I'll call her Mary. She's a devout Catholic who is okay with GLBT people. She disagress with the Church about other things, too, and doesn't like the current Pope very much. But somehow she has found a way to keep her faith while disagreeing with Church doctrine. I hope you can find a way too.

Best wishes.