It is over.....

[ctozrn]

My partner and I broke up for good last night. We fought the good fight..... I knew this was coming but it is SO HARD!!!! I feel like I am dying. Why in the hell do we do this? Love ends up hurting so bad. Is it ever worth it?

It all came down to me falling out of love with her after a lot of turmoil with us, so why do I hurt so bad? I am the one that told her I am not in love with her. I do care for her though, she was my best friend.

Anyway, my heart is breaking and I don't know what to do. I didn't know that a broken heart could hurt like real, physical pain....

Christine

[scott snedeker]

I remember when I broke up nearly four years ago.

At first, the only things that temporarily stopped the pain was booze and sex. The sex was great. The booze grew into a problem but I got over it.

Singing along with Cher and ABBA at the top of my lungs helped. That got old but not before the pain became more bearable.

I later realized that I was not monogamous by nature. I could love again, yes, but pretending to be devoted to one person was a lie I was believing to keep the Dream alive. It was letting the dream die that hurt the most.

You are entitled to every comfort available to you regardless of anyone's morality of what is good or bad.

A counsellor might be good. Someone professional without their own agenda to compensate for their personal sense of inadequacy.

You are a magnificent being. Your inner spirit loves you even though you probably can't feel it right now.

[Lydia]

I'm so sorry.

[Zerbie]

((( Christine )))

So sorry. Big hugs.

Therapy might not be a bad idea right now - a non-invested professional to help you sort out your needs, soothe the feelings, and plan for a joyful future.

[ctozrn]

I have a wonderful new lesbian therapist that I really like. I will see her tomorrow! I hope it helps....

[suzer1013]

Oh, Christine, I'm so sorry to hear that. I know you are hurting, and that won't go away for a while. I'm praying for God's peace and grace to be with you as you go through the grief process. I hope better days will some sooner rather than later.

Susan

[tdogg]

Christine, I'm so sorry to hear your news and that you are hurting so bad. Be sure to take care of yourself, do what makes you happy - even if it doesn't feel happy at the moment.

Hugs and prayers your way! {{{{{{ }}}}}}

[Daniel]

Christine- My heart goes out to you!

Is love worth it? As in relationship with another person? Of course it is- but you shouldn't expect yourself to feel the truth of that for a while.

I think the hardest thing after a difficult breakup is to keep and maintain an open heart: we can hurt so badly that it can be difficult to connect with another person again.

Hope and Love may see far away, but if given enough light and warm, the day will arrive, just like that amazing one when the crocus come up after a long Winter.

[tpdncr4christ]

Is something a friend told me a long time ago.

"The best way to fall out of love with someone, is to fall back in love with yourself."

I can assure you, there are so many people, fabulous women (and probably some men) who are more then willing to help you pick up the peices. It will get better. I promise.

[Jennifer5]

(((hugs)))

[u-dog]

You are in my prayers.

[dsdrane]

I so feel your pain. To be exact, I've felt it twice. The first time, I was the dumper (after 12 years), then I got to be the dumpee (after just over three).

(The latter occurred almost a year and a half ago.)

I think being dumped was definitely worse, but, really, they both were godawful.

What made it worse in the short-run was the determination by all involved to maintain a friendship. It would have been so much easier if people were or had done something horrible. Righteous indignation can really be helpful at times. But, no such luck here; everyone was decent and kind.

I can report, however, that in medium- to long-run, I'm so grateful to have those two friendships. I still have twangs of pain with the most recent, but I know in my heart he did us both a huge favor. It was the catalyst I needed to make some major changes in my life...all for the positive. I hope and pray that this will be the case for you and your ex, as well.

Regarding the present, however, a good friend of mine once bestowed onto me the following words of wisdom: there are two speeds in life -- stop and go. And we know, as we go, there will be pain, but we also know there will be great joy. There will also be great discovery, as none of us knows what is ultimately in God's plan for each of us.

So, feel the pain, but remember to honor the life you've been given by continuing to go, with the confidence that your story is still being written.

[Vanessa White]

I know that you had anticipated this possibility, but it still hurts like crazy when the decision finally comes, even when we are the ones that choose it. It is hard to be left, but it is also so hard to do the leaving, I believe. To me, it meant giving up on a dream. With that person anyway. What I can tell you about my process after doing the leaving ten months ago, is that, as cliche as it sounds, IT DOES GET BETTER. Every day now, I notice how it feels a little more healed and moving toward the light again. I know that I may have setbacks, and I am trying to not rush into anything new, not only because I don't want to be hurt again, but mainly because I need to be whole first. I have not been out of a relationship for more than a couple of months for probably the entire time that I have been out, so twenty or so years. I need some me time, and some me and my kid time. Believe me, there are days that I crave that companionship with another woman, the romance, the love, the mutual give and take, but I know that now is not my time for that, but for other things. Let this time be your time to get whole again, or even for the first time, maybe. Embrace your present state of life, and cherish the lessons that lie within. Please PM me ANYTIME you need an ear, and therapy sounds like a great idea. I will keep you in my thoughts, Vanessa

[pnggrad79]

Christine,
What a beautiful name! I named my oldest daughter Christene. Anyway, about your breakup. I know how you feel, it feels like your heart has been ripped out. And really, you just have to cry until you can't cry anymore. You have to allow yourself to feel what you feel and not be ashamed of it. It is painful, and to try to medicate it and drink it and sex it away will only make it worse in the end. Love will find you again and just be patient and go to therapy and be with friends and reconnect with God on whatever level you connect with him on. Read some good lesbian novels if you like to read. Some of them deal with the pain of breaking up. It may help to know you're not the only one even when you feel terribly alone. Vanessa had some good advice and so did everyone. You do have people that care about you. I hope you find happiness and love, but until then I wish you peace and grace and friendship. Bless you! We will pray for your healing.

[BruceChris]

((((( Christine )))))

Friends, people you care about, therapists, anyone of the Cloth that you trust, anyone close enough to give you a hug. My arms arn't quite long enough. You have my love, and you have my prayers.

Peace and Much Love, Bruce Chris

[ctozrn]

Hi everyone,

I just wanted to say thanks for your support over the last few days! I have really gotten something from every one of your comments. It has really helped!

I have been reconnecting with old friends and making new ones. This has really helped me get through the last few days.

I am really surprised at where I am today....I am actually EXCITED about what is to come. I am now in therapy with a WONDERFUL lesbian therapist. I need to figure out why I "settle" and why I am so afraid of being alone. This relationship was over a long time ago. We both knew it. I have realized that I have so much to learn about myself and am EXCITED!!!!

I have decided that I will not date for at least one year. This gives me time to get to know me. It will be hard and perhaps lonely at times, but it will be so good for me. I have also started making a list of what I want and don't want in my life and in a new partner. I may have to wait years for her but I would rather be alone than in a bad relationship.

I have spent today rearranging my bedroom, buying a new comforter,curtains. I am absolutley obsessed today about starting fresh in there. I just want a new look for a new start.I am trying to make the room different to start fresh.

I am really sad. She is the first thing I think about when I wake up.I am healing though. I know there is hope.

Oh, and we are getting a new cat! I am taking a cat from a friend that after the two lesbians combined their households they had too many cats! LOL! Anyway, I will now have someone to cuddle with!

Thanks everyone!
Christine

[Zerbie]

Hi Christine,

Glad you are on an upswing! (I imagine there will be many up and down swings in the months to come.)

The clearing of space for the new - wonderful!
I'm also glad to hear you have a kitty cat to cuddle with. That's good news.

We're all here for you, sending giant hugs (well, pictures of them, anyway ), and wishing the best for you.

Keep taking good care of yourself.

[BruceChris]

Christine, as someone once said, "9 out of 10 discriminating cats prefer lesbians" - I'm sure s/he will have a good home.

Peace and love, Bruce Chris

Oh, and when Liesl, with three cats, moved in with Karen, who had two dogs, guess who they would ask to house sit for them?

[Pathfinder]

As my grandmother used to say --- it's always darkest before the dawn...

Taking some time away from dating is a good idea. When my last relationship finally ended officially (it had pretty much been over by the second year -- it just took four more years to come to the realization) in 2005, I left all the reminders of it behind, realizing I'd somehow lost "me"in all the "crap". After a year, I started trying to make real connections again and now feel I have something to offer the person I'm dating. I don't think this would have happened if I'd simply jumped back in.

Taking time to reconnect with who I am allowed me time to heal, time to grow and time to understand a lot about what happened to put me in the position I had lived through for those 6 years. I unloaded a lot of baggage I'd carried around, some of which I'd even taken into the last relationship. Now that I'm free of all that excess baggage, I truly begin to explore my new relationship.

There is someone out there for you. Keep believing this and you'll get through it. I love your idea about new curtains and bedding --- fresh starts are always fun and exciting.

My indoor kitty, Miss Tipper Rose would like me to add that bringing a cat into your life at this time will help you through many a dark night and bring you a great deal of joy as you laugh at its antics. As for me, I can say that sometimes my 2 cats (and my dog) understand me better than I understand myself.

Good luck with everything. Stay in therapy --- it can truly help you through this tough time, feel free to explore your "new" world and PM if you need to "talk".

[tdogg]

Christine,

That's a great start - revamping your personal space will help to make it all yours and be a safe haven for you, and your new kitty friend! It's ok if you are still sad sometimes and think of her. Perfectly natural. Your relationship helped to bring you to the point where you are today and you should look back on that time with appreciation.

it is exciting to think of what may lay before you. Almost like a whole new life, or at least new life in the life you already have. I'm excited and happy for you! But definitely sending some hugs for when you need them.

Animals are an excellent way to get through lonely sad times, and I find them to be quite therapeutic! My favorite therapy is drowning my face in my horses's mane. And my little dog will never let me cry alone (yes, we can be lonely and sad even in a great relationship sometimes). She helped me get through a sad divorce and my self-discovery and my trailblazing. And your new cat will help to do the same for you - by the way, what is the lucky kitty's name?

Anyways, great start Christine, keep up the counseling/therapy and enjoy your new-foundness.

T