Need Some Advice

[pnggrad79]

Here's the situation. The characters are as follows:

Kaycee-an 11 year old girl, very sweet, rather shy
Karly-an 11 year old girl, has the body of a 17 year old girl, mother looks like her sister
Siera-a 12 year old girl, tall, father is in prison, mother bar hops

Daniel-a 12 year old boy, older brother was accidentally killed 3 years ago, family is in shambles. Don"t know where Dad is, Mom is a complete mess
Forrest-13 year old boy, homeless living in a shelter, Dad is in prison, Mom is a drug addict
Christian-Daniel's cousin, bipolar brother beats up on him, Dad was in a serious car accident and is in hospital on life support.

Kaycee and Daniel- like each other, Daniel was caught fondling Kaycee, Mom said we (her teachers) were making a big deal out of nothing.
Kaycee was caught last week sneaking out of school to go to meet Daniel at Christian's apartment to supposedly have sex.

Forrest and Karly-Like each other and was at Christian's house on the same day with Daniel intending on having sex with Karly.

Siera the informer and tells the teachers the play by play.

These children have no decent parents to guide them. Half these parents are either in jail, or are trying to be these kid's friends instead of parents.

I am just ill about all this. These children constantly try to invent ways to sneak out of school, go over to Christian's apartment across the street, to have sex.

All they ever get at school is in school suspension, which obviously doesn't deter them at all. Their parents don't ever seem be around to supervise anything and then they say we(their teachers) are making too much out of nothing.

I cringe when I think what could happen to these girls-STD's, pregnancy, scarred up tissue from abortion, and scarred up lives as a result of this nonsense. These boys- their role models are dads in prison, drug addict moms, abusive siblings and messed up families.

Am I the only one in this whole situation who gives a rat's ass what happens to these children? Maybe on some level their parents do care, but don't know squat about parenting or are scared to stand up to their kids. It would seem they are too wrapped up in their own screwed up lives to really pay attention to their kids. In the meantime, all I see is a repeated cycle about to start over again. Young moms, drug addiction, failed marriages, if one exists at all, single motherhood, nothing good can come from any of this.

I know I need to step back, realize that there is really little I can do for these children, because the damage done by their parents is irreparable. But everytime I hear of something they have done, or taken up notes they have written (and you wouldn't believe what they write) I just want to cry, and ask these parents, "What made you think having these children was a good idea?"

What really irks me is what makes people like James Dobson condone marriages like these parents and families like the ones these children come from, but wants to deny stable lesbian and gay families the opportunity to raise decent children?

Does anyone have an opinion,piece of advice, words of wisdom, or been there, done that stories to share? I am numb I am so dismayed by all this.

I need help!!!

[scott snedeker]

What a snake pit!

First perhaps inviting a represenative from planned parenthood to at least give these kids the tools to avoid std's and pregnancy might help.

If one ignorant child does not get pregnant or an std because they use a condom after learning from planned parenthood how these things happen then you have succeeded!

They are going to have sex. They are going to learn the hard way. You can provide tools and information, but their decisions are not anything you can change.

Tools to improve self esteem may lead to better decision-making. If they feel worthy and entitled to respect then they may respect themselves.

Low self esteem has been my biggest struggle. Yes me! Dr. Snedeker!

My low self esteem lead to a nightmare 12 year codependent relationship with a crack addict who used me and then manipulated me. After I finally had enough and improved my self esteem enough not to be used I ended the relationship.

But I then looked for affirmation anywhere. During that time I allowed countless men to bareback me so as not to disappoint them. How I remained HIV negative is a miracle.

Then as I found paths to be kind to my self, Put me first. I stopped making the poor decisions. If I'm accurate in projecting my experience on others, These kids that you are descibing are neglcted, abused, humiliated. Condemnation and punishment for instinctual sexual behavior only reinforce the message: "You are worthless and not even entitled to sex."

If you can inspire a connection to unconditional love and self worth planting a seed to grow, perhaps their future might change. If you focus on what they are doing is wrong you will just enforce it (teachings of Abraham)

Tell them they are the future. that they are beautiful creations. That they have joys awaitng them to which they are entitled to. And that they are reaching toward these entitlements today because of the tools of learning that you are giving them, entitled to them by the public school system. make them feel good about themselves and they will listen to you. Don't focus on what they are doing wrong. Focus on their strengths and how to make those strengths grow.

[ladyinred]

Scotty:Good advice from personal experience. Hey Scotty I've dealt with my own self esteem problems, I came from a dysfunctional family and often wondered why the heck my parents had us. My mother was better , but often said if they had birth control back in her day she might not have had kids. My brothers are pretty bitter about that, and have some pretty bitter memories especially toward my dad. I've had to work through mine, and that is why I've found websites like inner bonding and self esteem.org helpful because I grew up with no self esteem.

I don't see the kids that were mentioned above as having irreparable damage done to them, I feel they are confused and mixed up and are not beyond hope. I think given the hope that they can heal is probably the best antidote, of course that will probably be a lifelong process, they are too young right now to have the resources and tools at their disposal but having adults that care about them will probably be their best resource and perhaps offset some of the negative effects of what has happened to them.

PngGrad, you might actually be a source of inspiring them to think better of themselves, letting them know that what their parents do is not their fault and not a reflection on them and help them find healthier alternatives to the destructive behavior they are exhibiting. I can't give you advice as how to do this, perhaps counseling , or other things might offer them resources to avoid unwanted consequences of their sexual behavior. (referring them to planned parenthood and other organizations might be a good start as Scotty mentioned,perhaps talking to them about your concerns and helping them to see what the consequences might be, may help to change their minds to avoid unwanted pregnancy or other unwanted consequences) I definitely would be concerned about kids having kids at their age, they don't have the maturity or resources to handle it.Most likely they have no information on avoiding pregnancy.


That's about all I know to say.Unfortunately you are right about the parents, they aren't going to be the resource or guidance these kids need. They are just enabling and not really doing anything to help their own children(Either that or are in major denial about the consequences to these kids)

[Zerbie]

Reminds me of the year I spent teaching.

You can't let their stories become entangled with your own life/own feelings. Do the best you can for them, and beyond that, it's up to the kids to make the miracle happen.

One thing: don't say they are irreparably damaged. Betcha they're not. At least one of those kids, and maybe all of them, who knows?, is going to pull him or herself out of the swamp they're being raised in and make a success out of life. Against all odds. Go read "Push," by Sapphire. It's an inspiring, against-all-odds kinda success story about an unbelievably abused and disadvantaged 12 year old girl making a real success of her life. You need to fill your head with positive success stories right now, because the mud is obviously getting to you.

Scotty's right. When these kids start feeling better about themselves they will treat themselves better. Look for something about each kid that is special and that is a good thing. Give your attention to that. I worked with kids with disaster stories like those (and even worse, in some unbelievable scenarios.) Among the moments I remember best are when one neglected, ignored young man (17) mentioned in one of his homework assignments to me that he liked to cook and was interested in experimenting with new recipes. Saw him in the hall a week later and referred to him as "our chef," and you should've seen his eyes pop with astonishment: "You remembered!!" It was a tiny thing, and he's probably forgotten it by now, but it WAS something that I COULD do. Perhaps over time, enough small good things will add up to make some kind of difference, one you won't even know about. All you can do is show up and do what's possible from your end. The rest, you can't worry about.

What is within your capacity to do to help them access health information? Can you point them to a Planned Parenthood or similar resource, so they can take care of themselves and protect themselves from disease, early pregancies? Is that something you are allowed to do in your capacity as teacher? (I really don't know what laws are like now. . . .)

[ladyinred]

Good point Zerbie, Is that within their capacity as a teacher to do those things. PnGrad? Could that be part of the problem?What does the school allow, would there be repercussions toward you? I would definitely take this into consideration and realize that it is only within your power to do so much..Perhaps discussing these issues with those higher up?Unless they won't allow it or consider the options.You may have certain things working against you, I don't know.

[tpdncr4christ]

Old, fat, wrinkly people having sex. Show them just one video, and I garuntee you they will be so scared and disgusted they'll abstain till marriage, and perhaps even after that.

[Jennifer5]

Originally Posted by pnggrad79

Here's the situation. The characters are as follows:

Kaycee-an 11 year old girl, very sweet, rather shy
Karly-an 11 year old girl, has the body of a 17 year old girl, mother looks like her sister
Siera-a 12 year old girl, tall, father is in prison, mother bar hops

Daniel-a 12 year old boy, older brother was accidentally killed 3 years ago, family is in shambles. Don"t know where Dad is, Mom is a complete mess
Forrest-13 year old boy, homeless living in a shelter, Dad is in prison, Mom is a drug addict
Christian-Daniel's cousin, bipolar brother beats up on him, Dad was in a serious car accident and is in hospital on life support.

Kaycee and Daniel- like each other, Daniel was caught fondling Kaycee, Mom said we (her teachers) were making a big deal out of nothing.
Kaycee was caught last week sneaking out of school to go to meet Daniel at Christian's apartment to supposedly have sex.

Forrest and Karly-Like each other and was at Christian's house on the same day with Daniel intending on having sex with Karly.

Siera the informer and tells the teachers the play by play.

These children have no decent parents to guide them. Half these parents are either in jail, or are trying to be these kid's friends instead of parents.

I am just ill about all this. These children constantly try to invent ways to sneak out of school, go over to Christian's apartment across the street, to have sex.

All they ever get at school is in school suspension, which obviously doesn't deter them at all. Their parents don't ever seem be around to supervise anything and then they say we(their teachers) are making too much out of nothing.

I cringe when I think what could happen to these girls-STD's, pregnancy, scarred up tissue from abortion, and scarred up lives as a result of this nonsense. These boys- their role models are dads in prison, drug addict moms, abusive siblings and messed up families.

Am I the only one in this whole situation who gives a rat's ass what happens to these children? Maybe on some level their parents do care, but don't know squat about parenting or are scared to stand up to their kids. It would seem they are too wrapped up in their own screwed up lives to really pay attention to their kids. In the meantime, all I see is a repeated cycle about to start over again. Young moms, drug addiction, failed marriages, if one exists at all, single motherhood, nothing good can come from any of this.

I know I need to step back, realize that there is really little I can do for these children, because the damage done by their parents is irreparable. But everytime I hear of something they have done, or taken up notes they have written (and you wouldn't believe what they write) I just want to cry, and ask these parents, "What made you think having these children was a good idea?"

What really irks me is what makes people like James Dobson condone marriages like these parents and families like the ones these children come from, but wants to deny stable lesbian and gay families the opportunity to raise decent children?

Does anyone have an opinion,piece of advice, words of wisdom, or been there, done that stories to share? I am numb I am so dismayed by all this.

I need help!!!

I think I have to say, if things are really as bad as you say... don't you by law have to call child protective services? I mean, not that they even do anything the majority of the time, they have so many cases. I hate hearing this stuff

[pnggrad79]

One of the boys I mentioned in my original post came to school today and repeatedly had to be woken up. I asked him how much sleep he got at home, he told me he wasn't at home, he was at Christian's apartment, and didn't get to sleep until 4 A.M. Christian is not at school today. Have no idea where he is or what he is doing.

I told Daniel to finish his work and then I would let him sleep. Where are these damn idiots they call parents? Why the hell are they abandoning their kids?

[u-dog]

Originally Posted by Jennifer5

I think I have to say, if things are really as bad as you say... don't you by law have to call child protective services? I mean, not that they even do anything the majority of the time, they have so many cases. I hate hearing this stuff

Jenn is right Suzie, you are a mandated reporter in every state in the Union. Tell your principal what you know and that you are going to Call protective services and then call them. I know that Protective services are underfunded and overworked and screw up these situations as often as not but the law is the law.

[kara speltz]

Originally Posted by Zerbie

Reminds me of the year I spent teaching.

You can't let their stories become entangled with your own life/own feelings. Do the best you can for them, and beyond that, it's up to the kids to make the miracle happen.

One thing: don't say they are irreparably damaged. Betcha they're not. At least one of those kids, and maybe all of them, who knows?, is going to pull him or herself out of the swamp they're being raised in and make a success out of life. Against all odds. Go read "Push," by Sapphire. It's an inspiring, against-all-odds kinda success story about an unbelievably abused and disadvantaged 12 year old girl making a real success of her life. You need to fill your head with positive success stories right now, because the mud is obviously getting to you.

Scotty's right. When these kids start feeling better about themselves they will treat themselves better. Look for something about each kid that is special and that is a good thing. Give your attention to that. I worked with kids with disaster stories like those (and even worse, in some unbelievable scenarios.) Among the moments I remember best are when one neglected, ignored young man (17) mentioned in one of his homework assignments to me that he liked to cook and was interested in experimenting with new recipes. Saw him in the hall a week later and referred to him as "our chef," and you should've seen his eyes pop with astonishment: "You remembered!!" It was a tiny thing, and he's probably forgotten it by now, but it WAS something that I COULD do. Perhaps over time, enough small good things will add up to make some kind of difference, one you won't even know about. All you can do is show up and do what's possible from your end. The rest, you can't worry about.

What is within your capacity to do to help them access health information? Can you point them to a Planned Parenthood or similar resource, so they can take care of themselves and protect themselves from disease, early pregancies? Is that something you are allowed to do in your capacity as teacher? (I really don't know what laws are like now. . . .)

Wow Zerbie - great post - you too Scotty. Not a whole lot I can add, except to reassert the position about helping each of these kids find one thing they do well and helping them develop some self esteem.

Often books require too much focusing for kids this age, especially given they have no quiet place to go to read. So perhaps some videos might be something they'd relate to more. One of my favorite movies of this year, which is already out on video is "The Pursuit of Happyness," with Will Smith. It shows what perservence can do. Another film, that I haven't seen but have heard good things about is "Freedom Writers." Its about a teacher who inspires her students in a ghetto school. Another one I hear fabulous things about is "Akeellah (sp?) and the Spelling Bee." I'd bet there's all sorts of others that these kids might enjoy. These kids need to know that people have overcome amazing obsticles and they can too. My all time anti-racist film is "Remember the Titans," which tells an important story of kids overcoming the divisions of race.

I realized as I listed those films that they're all about Afro-American kids. So I don't recall your telling us what they are, and if they're white working class, they may have serious trouble connecting with those movies. Makes me realize how little there is out there for white working class kids. The effects of class in our society, we never acknowledge poor white struggles.

I have heard so many stories about what just one teacher was able to do to turn someone's life around. Don't give up, and don't despair. Trust that you will be used as an instrument.

I'll keep you and the kids in my prayers. Kara

[sjbouza]

I cant really add much more. But the above people are correct. If you are their teacher, you are mandated by law to call protective services. If you dont intervene in that way, it may leave you open for legal issues as well as the school. Especially if something happens to the children while they are suppose to be at school.

All you can do is be there for them. Let them all know that if they need someone to talk to that you will make some time, along with another teacher or the school counselor. Dont try to do anything with the kids by yourself. A similar situation, not to scare you, happened locally here. A teacher offered help to a student that wasnt doing well, often absent, messy, etc. Family life wasnt good at home, and the teacher offered a concerned ear to the child. I think it was a 6th or 7th grader, if I recall correctly. Anyway, long story short, the kid ended up accusing the teacher of molesting him. Through all the legal crap, the teacher was found innocent, but only after the child confessed to making up the story. Now this teachers career is ruined and has still not been able to find a job full time as a teacher. Now the school has a policy that no teacher or staff member can be with a child alone.

Like I said, not to scare you away from helping these kids, just protect yourself too. Kids can be vindictive when they think someone is out to get them or hurt them in some way.

But the advice to get protective services involved is very good. I think that is what you must do. My prayers are with you and with these children.