Internalized Homophobia Strikes Again...

[Vanessa White]

SBP: THank you for that! Just being little ol' me, but I like it!!! I just know how short life can be, and want to make sure I do all I can to live it fully, and to do it as authentically as possible. You rock right back!

[tdogg]

I was 'different' at a very young age - independent and definitely a tomboy since early toddler stage. I was also raised by my very religious (AG) stepmom and Dad where religion and church became a significant part of our lives while I was in grade school (that is more years ago than I care to admit!). Anyway, even in high school was my own person, my own style, rather play football with the loser dudes than hang out with the popular chicks, although in my adulthood I'm a pretty chicky girl. Being a late maturer, it took me a while to really be attracted to anyone, I had boyfriends as there was no question about having girlfriends. Being raised AG that was a fast ticket to h-ville. I found myself attracted to various women but never acted on it. My mother lived with several women even while married to my stepdad. This was never anything bad or weird or unnatural to me although in my alter=life it was preached over and over again to be a very bad thing. Finally hooked up with my ex-husband for nearly 18 years. It never occured to me that I was never satisfied with any of my relationships with men - but after years of pushing my attraction to women aside, not exploring that part of me, denying who I really was, all the personal growth I did while in my ex relationship and the few years after I left husband and before dating my partner, brought me to a point where I finally decided to do something for myself. The last year and a half have been incredible, my partner is the most wonderful woman - beautiful, sweet, strong, intelligent, funny - more than that, I finally feel totally satisfied emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually with her. I finally realized this is who I am, there is nothing wrong, and I can live my life and still have God in it.

I was never at a point where I thought homosexuality was wrong, only where I failed to stand up for myself, and others I loved who were gay, and denied my own being. I had to learn a lot about myself, be open to the learning and accept and love myself - it's not easy as you all probably know. The strangest feeling was, in the early stages of my present relationship, I would really ponder why being with her never felt wrong. It felt totally right, the most right thing I've done. This while looking back on a life of having been preached to about how horrible a thing homosexuality is.

Wow, that is a really abbreviated story but thought I would spare you all the really fine details - except to add, more people reacted with 'duh, you finally figured it out' rather than surprise or shock - although a handful of family/friends are having real issues with it. It isn't easy, but it is SO worth it to love myself and love my partner (and be loved in return) AND know that God loves me too just the way He made me.

[Vanessa White]

Tdogg: I definitely agree, with realizing about God loving us as we really are. what a relief that is. I think that makes a huge difference in how much we hold onto our internalized homophobia. I mean, it is a total relief to realize that God made us this way, so it must be perfectly special and wonderful in its own right. How can it be wrong???

[SBP]

[Zerbie]

Anyone have any other experiences to relate, in terms of how you've dealt with internalized homophobia? It's a topic that, especially in light of yet ANOTHER pastor coming out in shame and tears, is continually relevant. And how can we best support those who are dealing with such internal fear and shame?

[rainbowdog]

I think that homophobia is to describe someone who are afraid of us. Also i think Internalized Homophobia is a gay or lesbian in great denial about their sexuality. I was homophobic for a time until i went to a therapist who helped me bring out my feelings for women instead of suppressing them. I also think those who are in the Ex-Gay ministries, the ones who said that they are cured are wrestling with internal homophobia. We must for them. It saddens me that some of the inisant gays and lesbians are pulled into the ex-gay ministries. My parents gave me a pamplet on the ex-gay ministries of course i put it in the trash

God Bless,
Christy

[Vanessa White]

Internalized homophobia in its purest form, as well as homophobic attitudes and actions by others, are very dangerous. Dangerous for pastors such as those whose stories have emerged recently, emotionally, mentally, and from their own view, spiritually. Dangerous physically for any of us that live our lives out, for the most part. Pure homophobia is what was the catalyst that was doing its workings within the murderers of Matthew Shepard. Internalized homophobia can murder the human spirit, and allow us to view ourselves as foul, shameful, unloved creatures. It can lead us without a strong will to want to harm or kill ourselves. And, for those that loathe us so much, having gay persons believe these awful things about ourselves could only benefit them, because then, just maybe, we will destroy ourselves or one another, and no longer be around to remind them of our deviance. At its core, homophobia is pure hatred. I don't think anything scares me as much as pure hatred on the part of a person. Lucky for all of us, the attitude can be changed, if the person is willing, and embracing love can take the place of hate. I really believe it and have seen it in action.

[novaseeker]

It’s an interesting topic.

The way I view internalized homophobia is through my own experience of it … which was really an absorption of external messages about homosexuality to the extent that these messages began to inform my own ideas about myself.

What I mean by that is that for me, for example, growing up as a RC in a neighborhood in NYC where virtually everyone was RC, there were a *lot* of homophobic messages being more or less constantly broadcast, from the priests to the nuns who ran our school, to my parents, and the parents of my friends, to my playmates and friends themselves. No doubt there were also other gay kids out there among them, but the messages about being gay were clear and overwhelming, and after a while they just begin to seep into you as other messages you receive at that age tend to do.

What I’ve learned over the last 5 years or so when I finally starting to unpack some of these things that were wrapped up inside me, is that the homophobic messages I had been bombarded with had led me to fear my own orientation, and then to deny it, and to pretend it wasn’t there, because of course the messages told me that it shouldn’t be there, that it was wrong/bad/evil/dirty/disgusting, etc. When those negative messages seep in, they have an impact, and they can lead one to draw those conclusions about oneself, which of course is ruinous from the self-esteem perspective, and leads many people to create an alternative identity for themselves.

I think it can lead in various directions in different people. For me, it led me to denial of my orientation, which then led to bad life decisions being made. For others, it can lead to a kind of exaggerated homophobia directed outward … in other words, by directing the homophobia outward, one can reinforce one’s own image that one is not gay by “acting straight” in an extreme way (n.b., I’m not suggesting that being homophobic is a key quality of being straight, but what I’m saying is that for someone who is deep in the waters of internalized homophobia and the concomitant denial, acting in a homophobic way can be a means of demonstrating, to others and perhaps most importantly to themselves, that they really are straight and not gay). But in all cases I think what you see is behavior (dating straight, getting married, bashing gays, take your pick) that is at odds with the underlying orientation, but which is chosen to validate the orientation that the person *wants* to have, because of the negative messages they have received and internalized about the orientation that they actually *do* have.

I suspect that it’s common in the ex-gay folks, although I have not come across one of them personally as far as I know, so I can’t be certain of that.

[Vanessa White]

novaseeker: Thanks for your thoughts! I agree with every part of that. In addition to homophobia being shown outwardly, by acting as if we are straight when we actually are gay/lesbian/bisexual/transgendered, is that many persons struggling also openly ridicule or demean gay persons, almost as a defense mechanism. It takes the focus off of him/herself, and allows the denial to continue as well. These pastors sound like they participated in some of those described behaviors in the name of religion.

[Zerbie]

Vanessa and Nova - totally!

When I was quite young I dated guys to whom I wasn't the least bit attracted BECAUSE I wanted a boyfriend so that no one would wonder if I was a lesbian. But even more so, so that *I* could tell myself I was straight and be "sure" of it by having a behavioral history that supported the straight scenario. I am quite certain that this strong homophobia I had was a huge part of what delayed me developing naturally into understanding and acceptance of being bisexual - once I got over the hatred of having "lesbian" feelings, then I had to validate that part of myself and felt I had to defend it from going back to the swamp of self-hate. If I hadn't been so adamant about needing to defend a part of my affectional orientation I'm sure I would have discovered years sooner what the actual orientation was.

Not only did that slow down my life, it confused the h*ll outta those poor guys I unconsciously used, all of whom stopped hearing from me after a few dates, usually just when things started getting romantic/physical.

I had to be on my own for a few years sorting out all kinds of emotional/intellectual/metaphysical questions before things became all hearts and rainbows.