Total Confusion

[Tinkerbell047]

I recently came out to my friends that I am lesbian. For the past five years I've been dealing with my sexuality on my own terms, quietly, and privately. I was totally comfortable with who I was and what that meant for me. But, after I came out to my select few everything changed.

My final honestly did cost me. I lost some friends, but at the same time it brought me closer to a few. I feel blessed to have been given the amazing group of people who I have around me, and thank God for sending them to me when He did. I don't know where I would be without them.

At the same time, my parents are conservative ministers. It's no secret in my family that my parents are against homosexuality in every form. They don't like my spending time with my two best friends because they are gay boys who are dating each other. They have forbidden me from spending time with the two of them together (though they didn't complain when plans changed last minute to include both of them earlier this week) because it is encouraging their "sinful and demonic" relationship. My mother has been trying to convince me that I am crazy about one of them and he is about me as well. She has told me to wait and see, one day we will realize our feelings for each other. It's ridiculous.

Beyond that, I'm beginning to find real confusion in my life right now. After I came out I started to doubt myself. I found myself wondering if I really am lesbian, or if I did make some decision and I'm just pretending. I find myself questioning my faith and my beliefs. I feel like I may have been wrong, but that it's too late to turn back now and fix any mistakes I may have made. I don't know what to do. I'm constantly worried that my parents will find out and kick me out. I'm worried that my mother's comments about my friend are going to push both of my friends away. I don't know what to do any more.

Thanks for any help,
-Tink

[BenL]

Tink,

Your state of mind right now is not uncommon. Lots of us have shared it, so know that you are not alone.

Try not to second-guess yourself. You have explored some pretty powerful realities about yourself. Trust the process. At the same time, don't lock yourself in. Identity can be fluid. If nothing else, there is always more to learn about your self-identity. Confusion is part of the process. Try not to let it get you down. You are the child of a God who loves you for who you are, even if you're not sure yourself what that is.

Those of us who are parents of grown children know how difficult it is to give up the parental mode and relate to our children as adults. Your parents probably find it even harder since they seem to have very rigid views of sexual morality. In their own way, they have your best interests at heart. They just don't know how to let go of their own vision for your life. It is possible to disagree with them without dishonoring them.

I'm glad you posted so that people who are a lot smarter about these kinds of things than I am can give you some ideas about how to deal with your parents ... and yourself. I just wanted you to know that we care.

[Zerbie]

Wow, Tink you sound completely overwhelmed and scared.

(((((((((( Tink ))))))))))

It's okay to feel overwhelmed, and it's okay to be not sure about who/what you are and what it all means. I went through easily 5 years of "Am I straight? Am I lesbian? Am I bisexual? What IS bisexual? Maybe I'm heterosexual and I'm overempathizing with gay people? Am I making this all up out of my imagination? Why don't I know? Everyone knows their sexual orientation - why don't I?"

It's okay not to be sure. For a lot of us, sexual orientation is a fluid thing, especially for females.

I suggest taking deep breaths. Some prayer and relaxation. Get in touch with your inner You, and don't be concerned with labelling things right now. Your inner You is the same whether you are straight, bi, or something else. Put these concerns away from you for a while; don't let them eat you up.

sigh. People said these things to me when I was in my "what am I?!" phase, and it didn't help - I couldn't get past the mental confusion and fear, for literally years. I hope it will go differently for you. Really. Not having a solid sense of identity is okay. Especially when we're young. You are okay inside, even if the outside may be falling apart a bit.

[lydiam]

Tink, After coming out to my mother, she went a little crazy and my first thought was... maybe I could take it back. Maybe I could tell her I was just out of my mind. It's a totally normal thought when you're feeling rejected by people you love, family or friends, you want to do anything to "get them back." The thing that helped me was to remember that when I was putting on a show and pretending to be someone I wasn't, I had no idea what it felt like to be loved for who I really was. I was amazed at how different it felt to be loved as the real me. That said, it really hurts to be rejected as the real you. A lot. But, when I weighed my options, I realized it was more painful for me to live in the closet.

Know that you are never trapped. If you're more comfortable without a label, that's allowed too. Coming out is not a destination, it's a part of the journey. The journey is never over. You are still discovering things about yourself and that is wonderful.

The other thought that I had after I came out was, "this is the stupidest thing I've ever had to do." I mean that it seemed so rediculous that I would have to make an announcement! Why in the world do we have to do this awful thing? I hope for a day when we can love who we love and we don't have to make any kind of special announcement about it. You have full permission to be yourself and to tell the truth about yourself, whatever the truth might be- even if the truth is that you're still thinking about things.

[Tinkerbell047]

Thanks, guys. One of the friends I mentioned (the one my mom is obsessed with) told me to come here and that you would all give advice and be helpful. You guys really are. Thank you.

BenL: Thank you. I am trying daily to understand where my parents are coming from, to really understand their beliefs and respect them while discovering myself and my place in their lives and in the body of Christ. Your comment has really made me understand that they are looking out for me. Thank you.

Zerbie: What you explained is exactly what I'm going through right now. I hadn't known how to iterate it before, but the questions that you said you were asking are exactly the same ones I am struggling with right now too. It's really encouraging to know that I'm alone in this.

I don't know how to deal with the stress that I've placed on myself because of my sexuality... whether I understand it or not. I feel like I'm standing in a river. My feet are planted in a thick mud, holding me down, but the water is trying to pull me with it. I don't know which to trust. Do I let go of the ground and take a chance with the currents? Or, do I hold on to the ground where there is safety and I know what will happen? I feel lost and alone. I don't know what to do any more.

-Tink

[u-dog]

Originally Posted by Tinkerbell047

Thanks, guys. One of the friends I mentioned (the one my mom is obsessed with) told me to come here and that you would all give advice and be helpful. You guys really are. Thank you.

BenL: Thank you. I am trying daily to understand where my parents are coming from, to really understand their beliefs and respect them while discovering myself and my place in their lives and in the body of Christ. Your comment has really made me understand that they are looking out for me. Thank you.

Zerbie: What you explained is exactly what I'm going through right now. I hadn't known how to iterate it before, but the questions that you said you were asking are exactly the same ones I am struggling with right now too. It's really encouraging to know that I'm alone in this.

I don't know how to deal with the stress that I've placed on myself because of my sexuality... whether I understand it or not. I feel like I'm standing in a river. My feet are planted in a thick mud, holding me down, but the water is trying to pull me with it. I don't know which to trust. Do I let go of the ground and take a chance with the currents? Or, do I hold on to the ground where there is safety and I know what will happen? I feel lost and alone. I don't know what to do any more.

-Tink

Tink!

You've gotten good counsel here already. I just wanted to let you know that Even if we don't post... lots of us are thinking about you and praying for you.

I'm sure that your Mom and Dad love you and want the best for you. Just remember that they know even less well than you do what that is. take your time, hang out with your friends, wait until you fall madly in love with someone and then check out what their gender is. If he has a penis... chances are you are straight or at least bi. If she has breasts... you are either gay or bi. When you NEED to know... you'll know. then you'll wonder what all of your anxiety was about.

Just don't internalize any of the homophobia that your folks grew up with, OK? Whoever/whatever you are? God loves you bunches.

All the best kid !!

[tdogg]

Awww Tink.

You don't have to figure out all the answers right now. Just take it slow. Try to relax (some candles, soft music and meditation) and not think about it at all.

It's really hard to come out to those we love and are supposed to trust. We sometimes know what the reaction will be, and sometimes we don't. In a way, it's a lifted burden, but in other ways it brings more on us to bear. No matter what, just know that you are loved and cared for here. And your friends and loved ones who understand, they will be by your side no matter what. You will get through this and it will get better.

For now, try to take it slow and easy and do some stress release (sing, work out, walk, meditate). No matter who you are, you ARE valuable and valid. If it helps, I think the vast majority of people are bisexual to a certain degree (the Kinsey stuff). So, maybe there isn't all that much to figure out. Our sexuality gets stressful because of the parameters we allow others to put on us. Just try to concentrate on yourself right now.

No matter what, life is a journey and should be savored. I believe for most people figuring out where we belong in this life is a lifetime work. I hope you are feeling better soon Tink. Come back for hugs when you need 'em.

[Tinkerbell047]

Thanks, guys. It's been so hard dealing with this alone, not even wanting to discuss it with my closest friends because I thought they wouldn't understand, but when I finally did, not only did they understand, they sent me here. You guys are amazing. Thank you.

-Tink

[pnggrad79]

Tinkerbell,
it is very tough coming out, but once you do, it gets a whole lot easier to be who you are. I look back on my years of struggling and being in the closet and wonder why I didn't come out sooner. You will find a lot of other gay and lesbian friends who will become closer to you and empathize with you like no one else.
I lost my family, but most of my friends are very supportive and cool with it.
It is my hope and prayer for you, that this time of transition in your life is going to be revealing and reassuring and that in time leads you to the love of your life.
Take it day by day and feel free to ask us anything. We are here for you.
Much love and peace to you.

[BrentRichards]

Originally Posted by Tinkerbell047

I don't know how to deal with the stress that I've placed on myself because of my sexuality... whether I understand it or not. I feel like I'm standing in a river. My feet are planted in a thick mud, holding me down, but the water is trying to pull me with it. I don't know which to trust. Do I let go of the ground and take a chance with the currents? Or, do I hold on to the ground where there is safety and I know what will happen? I feel lost and alone. I don't know what to do any more.

-Tink

This is a beautiful and powerful image ... it speaks to the feeling of "out of control" many of us have known in coming to terms with who we are ... and in other areas of life as well.

Whatever you decide, we'll be here to throw you a line, ok?

[Tinkerbell047]

I'm off from work this weekend, so I'm going to take your advice. Tonight, I'm going to take a night off. Maybe make a stress-free phone call to my best friend, but I'm going to take a nice long bubble bath, meditate, and spend some time reading my Bible and some Douglass Adams. I might write a little too. I've decided to spend tomorrow by my pool, and just take a day off from stress.

Well, I'm off to rearrange my bedroom! Thanks again, ya'll!

-Tink

[Zerbie]

Originally Posted by Tinkerbell047

I'm off from work this weekend, so I'm going to take your advice. Tonight, I'm going to take a night off. Maybe make a stress-free phone call to my best friend, but I'm going to take a nice long bubble bath, meditate, and spend some time reading my Bible and some Douglass Adams. I might write a little too. I've decided to spend tomorrow by my pool, and just take a day off from stress.

Well, I'm off to rearrange my bedroom! Thanks again, ya'll!

-Tink

That sounds so therapeutic!!! You'll feel recharged soon.

Come on back and keep us posted.

[Daniel]

Tink- you've gotten great advice already from the shining lights of Soulforce, so I don't think I have much to add, expect that I want to affirm the idea of taking time to get centered. Hard to do one's life feels all topsy turvy. But if you can managed to take 20 minutes every morning before you do anything else to get into touch with your core, so much the better. You will experience the rest of your day very differently.

Pray, meditate, breath deeply.....

Lots of ways to do it.

Stick with it and it will become your rock.

[Tinkerbell047]

You have all been amazingly helpful. I have decided that this isn't a journey that is like microwavable popcorn, with instant results. (Weird analogy, I know.) I think that this is all going to take time and meditation as well as prayer and a real understanding of God's word in my life.

Like you have all suggested, I took time this morning to ground myself. Last night I rearranged my bedroom like I have been meaning to do, and spent two hours reading. I felt so relaxed and so far from confusion or stress that I couldn't believe it. Today has been so much better.

My mom and I talked today, too. She still doesn't know, and honestly, right now, due to my unsure state, there is nothing to tell her. We had a mini Bible study today about Leviticus and why she agrees with half of the "abominations" and not the other. We talked about the 10 Commandments, and how they apply to life today. What she said in the end, though, really made me have new respect for her. For as long as I can remember, I have thought my mother to be a "all gays go to hell" Christian, but today she told me otherwise. She explained to me that if you have accepted Jesus as your lord and savior then you are saved, she believes. She said that if a person is homosexual, but believes in Jesus as their savior, then she thinks they will not go to Hell. She also told me that doesn't mean she thinks it's right. But I really feel like we had a breakthrough today that brought us back closer together.

For the first time in a long time, I feel like my life is making its way back onto the right track. Thank you all for your prayers, thoughts, and encouragements.

Love,
-Tink

[Progo35]

Tink-
I'm so glad that you had that talk with your mom. As a conservative Christian, I know many who feel exactly as your mom does about people of various sexual orientations and their relationships with Christ. I wish that more conservative Christians would spend time with gay people without feeling that they have to "stay far away" in order to be faithful to God. Clearly, Christ hung out with all kinds of people. Bad relationships happen when friends encourage you to do things that are harmful to yourself or others, such as harassing people, doing drugs, etc. People who encourage self respect, love, kindness and faith are those you want to hang out with, period. Love conquers all.

Sexuality is SO confusing. I guess it's a good thing that sexual desires are so strong, though: I think it's God's way of ensuring that we reproduce and/or commit ourselves to each other in an extremely physical way. I would encourage you to also try to find a church or religious community that can nurture you at this time. See if there is a church in your area that offrs support to gay individuals. Lastly, just be honest with God. If you're upset with him and doubting your faith, it's okay to tell him so: He can handle it.

Hang in there. I went through a very difficult time with my parents too a few years back, because of issues arising from a disability I have. But, we've all worked really hard on our relationship and it has improved vastly. This was gradual but it is very real. I will be praying for God's presence with you and your family.

Love,
Progo 35

[BrianB]

Tinkerbell, my heart goes out to you. Things were rocky between my mom and me when I came out. One day I was asking Mary the mother of Jesus for help. I believe she told me to just love my mom and pray for her. Don't try to convince her of anything. After I started doing that our relationship became better.

Blessings, BrianB

[u-dog]

Originally Posted by BrianB

Tinkerbell, my heart goes out to you. Things were rocky between my mom and me when I came out. One day I was asking Mary the mother of Jesus for help. I believe she told me to just love my mom and pray for her. Don't try to convince her of anything. After I started doing that our relationship became better.

Blessings, BrianB

Brian,

I'm a protestant so Idon't venerate Mary in the same way you do, but she always struck me as being a very sensible girl/woman ... the kind who would give wise counsel of the sort you describe!

[Tinkerbell047]

Thank you all for your kind words and encouragements. I have felt better in the past few days than I have in the last months. ^_^ You're all a blessing from God, and I thank you for your thoughts and prayers.

Progo35, I really needed to hear that. I know that God knows everything about us, but sometimes actually telling him how you feel can make all the difference in life.

This community has become a huge support system to just remind me that I'm not alone in this. In its own strange way, it has made me feel much better just knowing that I'm not the only one who had struggled with parents accepting their child's sexuality. ^_^

Thank you all again,
Tink

[Tinkerbell047]

Thank you. My time here has helped me so much. Your comments and tips have really started to make a difference in my life. The stress I've been dealing with is starting to slowly fade away, and I'm finding that my mother has been much more open with me. I'm finally starting to be able to be in the same room as my father without becoming angry and yelling. We seem to be actually forming a relationship that matters. My mom has not in the past two weeks made a comment about the relationship I have with my best friend. This has been a problem for the past 8 months, and it seems to be dwindling. Thank God.

My relationship with God is also beginning to strengthen again. I'm starting to realize just how much He really does love me, and that He wants me to be the person He created me to be, not the person society expects me to be.

I am still not sure about a lot of things in my life. But, what you have all helped me to realize is that right now, it really doesn't matter. I don't have any reason to be stressed or concerned about what my life is or who I am at this point. I've started to make the turn back onto the road of just "being." I think that for now, it's going to be best for me to just exist, without worry about whether or not I'm GLBT. These things take time, right? I'm still young, and have plenty of time left to realize who I am.

If not for you all I don't think I would have realized this about myself. Thank you all. You are an amazing group of people.

God bless,
-Tink

[tdogg]

Awesome Tink! Glad things have settled down a bit for you. This is a great group of people, they have helped me (most likely unbeknownst to them) on many occasion.

Your life journey is just beginning. No need to figure it all out now. Enjoy the journey Tink, and many blesssing and much joy to you along the way!