Talking to someone who doesn't want to be gay

[edgelessdepths]

Hi,

I don't post here that often so I am not sure if this is the right place to post this or not.

I was on facebook last night on a fundie forum and a girl posted that she was looking for support of other christians because she was trying to become straight. The topic had quite a few posts by people that were telling her that being gay wasn't a sin, that trying to change as a mistake. There was even a guy who had gone through the ex-gay stuff and he was trying to tell her how unhealthy and bad it was for him. She was very unreceptive to anyone but people that told her being gay was a sin and that she could *change*. I posted and told her about soulforce and that she could come here for a different perspective from christians that had embraced their sexuality. She hasn't responded yet.

Did I do that right thing? Any suggests for what else to say to her?

Thanks,

Elsa

[Zerbie]

Originally Posted by edgelessdepths

Hi,

I don't post here that often so I am not sure if this is the right place to post this or not.

I was on facebook last night on a fundie forum and a girl posted that she was looking for support of other christians because she was trying to become straight. The topic had quite a few posts by people that were telling her that being gay wasn't a sin, that trying to change as a mistake. There was even a guy who had gone through the ex-gay stuff and he was trying to tell her how unhealthy and bad it was for him. She was very unreceptive to anyone but people that told her being gay was a sin and that she could *change*. I posted and told her about soulforce and that she could come here for a different perspective from christians that had embraced their sexuality. She hasn't responded yet.

Did I do that right thing? Any suggests for what else to say to her?

Thanks,

Elsa

I think you did a very good thing offering her another perspective. Probably the best thing we can do in these situations is offer our personal perspective one time, offer an alternative resource or two, like you did, and let them know the door is open should they change their mind and decide that becoming straight isn't working for them. She has clearly determined that she is going to give this attempt her determination - as dangerous as it is, we cannot dissuade someone who is determined - she is going to do it.

I think you did great. Just remind her that there are people who care, who love and accept her as she is, and that there are resources out there should she hit a wall, doing the change-thing.

There's another thread about talking to conflicted gay people, it's old and long - but there's some good discussion on it. I'll find it and bump it up - I think it's in the "gay issues" section of the forum. I'd love to see this discussion continue, because I too am still searching for the best way to be supportive without being a jerk to someone who just does not want to come out.

[RedneckDyke]

I will pray for her. It hurts my heart. the older I get the angrier I get about all that toxic "you're a sinner and you're going to hell" crap. It's OK if they yell it at me. I have built up a defense. But it is a SIN to throw that shit at kids.

[Daniel]

You did good! Brava! This is an excellent play to get some 'perspective'. Take's a while though. But if one hangs in there, a great deal of the fear can be addressed.

No one yells at me any more about being gay being a sin, but then, I don't put up with that stuff anymore. Don't associate with such people. It's like food. You eat that stuff and it sticks to ya. Not good.

I hear you on the 'defense' part, but long for the day when defenses aren't needed. And personally speaking, I think being 'defenseless' is part of the nonviolent message.

[edgelessdepths]

Thanks for the replies everyone. She still hasn't responded but I hope that at least she sees what I've written.

It just makes me feel terrible that people can hate who they are so much that they feel forced to change and even reject the idea that they are fine being who they are. Urg. It makes me soo mad.

There were a couple of really persistent people on the thread that kept telling her, "you can change!" They refuse to acknowledge that they are wishing depression, maybe even suicide onto this poor girl. Sigh. Sometimes people are so discouraging.

[sailaway58]

I think it is difficult to accept ourselves with less stressful issues. You know like, I'm ugly, I'm too fat. There are a host of things about ourselves we can find hard to love. Some things we can and should change. Accomplishing these changes can improve our self worth. It is not then surprising to me that it is hard to accept (for some) their orientation. Finding out about ourselves can be complicated whether gay or straight. I think gay would be tougher and your advice was solid, helpful and left the door open for someone that will walk through it sooner or later.

[scott snedeker]

Originally Posted by sailaway58

I think it is difficult to accept ourselves with less stressful issues. You know like, I'm ugly, I'm too fat. There are a host of things about ourselves we can find hard to love. Some things we can and should change. Accomplishing these changes can improve our self worth. It is not then surprising to me that it is hard to accept (for some) their orientation. Finding out about ourselves can be complicated whether gay or straight. I think gay would be tougher and your advice was solid, helpful and left the door open for someone that will walk through it sooner or later.

Very true! But I see self acceptance as a step, to self elevation, self respect, self awe, self love, and not the final destination

[sailaway58]

Originally Posted by scott snedeker

Very true! But I see self acceptance as a step, to self elevation, self respect, self awe, self love, and not the final destination

Yeah, I like that thought. I think of self acceptance as a step toward understanding Gods love for us. It may be necessary to accept Gods love first to accept ourselves fully. Forget the Gay thing for a moment, how many times have you heard, "I've done so many bad things, how could love me?" Yet like the woman at the well, he does.

[scott snedeker]

Originally Posted by sailaway58

Yeah, I like that thought. I think of self acceptance as a step toward understanding Gods love for us. It may be necessary to accept Gods love first to accept ourselves fully. Forget the Gay thing for a moment, how many times have you heard, "I've done so many bad things, how could love me?" Yet like the woman at the well, he does.

That is more powerful than you will ever possibly realize!