My birthday card from my mother

[pnggrad79]

Now my homophobe mom hasn't sent me a birthday card for two years, since I came out, but sends me one this year, with the message, "I love you, but DO NOT APPROVE of your LIFESTYLE. You are my daughter and I love you very much, but one day you will answer to God for your lifestyle. Happy birthday! Love, Mom"

Now I don't know about you, but I took that to mean, basically, "Happy Birthday, but you are going to hell." Now, did I take that the wrong way?

I got very angry because I thought it was a blatant manipulative attempt on her part to get me to "come around to her way of thinking". What am I supposed to do? Leave the love of my life, go get married to a man that I don't love just to please a woman who doesn't contribute anything to my life, and hasn't for a very long time. Please!

I feel like writing her back and saying, Mom, while you are busy judging me, remember that when I answer to God for my lifestyle, you will too!

Happy Birthday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BTW my wife is taking me to P-town and we are going to have a good time.

[scott snedeker]

I would consider writing back with something like the following message:

Dear Mom,

Thank you for the birthday card. I know that it must be very difficult for you but I'm glad that you are beginning to see that your love for me can overcome anything, even the homophobia that has trapped and saddened your heart all these years.

I'm sure God will forgive you for you are doing the best you can. I love you too for this reason and others. If you can get past your homophobia than so can I. We learn by doing. I'm proud of you for this big courageous step you that have taken because phobias are the most severe from of anxiety disorder and the most difficult to overcome. Don't give up the battle. I will pray for your victory for we both win when you finally come to realize that you are more powerful than this fear, a fear against which you are gaining ground.

[u-dog]

Scotty's suggestion is, ironically, more Christian than mine and is probably the better response. However, for what its worth, here is another idea:

Send the card back to her and include a brief note that says something like:

"I love you too mom. When you are able to tell me that you love me WITHOUT consigning me to hellfire I will be happy to recieve another birthday card from you. Until then, I would just as soon not hear it from you."


As I say... Scotty the Pagan's response is far more "Christian" than mine.

[paul]

Originally Posted by pnggrad79

Now my homophobe mom hasn't sent me a birthday card for two years, since I came out, but sends me one this year, with the message, "I love you, but DO NOT APPROVE of your LIFESTYLE. You are my daughter and I love you very much, but one day you will answer to God for your lifestyle. Happy birthday! Love, Mom"

Now I don't know about you, but I took that to mean, basically, "Happy Birthday, but you are going to hell." Now, did I take that the wrong way?

I got very angry because I thought it was a blatant manipulative attempt on her part to get me to "come around to her way of thinking". What am I supposed to do? Leave the love of my life, go get married to a man that I don't love just to please a woman who doesn't contribute anything to my life, and hasn't for a very long time. Please!

I feel like writing her back and saying, Mom, while you are busy judging me, remember that when I answer to God for my lifestyle, you will too!

Happy Birthday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BTW my wife is taking me to P-town and we are going to have a good time.

oh dear.
first of all:

Happy Birthday Sweetheartwithout qualification

I think there must be a fundymart where a certain style of 'christian' gets there cards. "Hellmark, when you care to send the very worst."

I got a similar card from my son. "I had a hard time writing anything in this card. I love you and am praying for the repentance of my backslidden father."

it was the only card I got, could have done without it.

[keltic63]

oh my.

yes.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!

why did we miss this?


Next, I'd have to go with Scotty's suggestion and be even more of a christian than your mom. As a friend often reminded me during my divorce, Take the high road, it's closer to heaven.

Let me just say that I'm appalled that these 2 situations (Paul's & Margie's) even take place. I wish so much that you could have the loving parents that I do. While they aren't on board with everything, I know they love me and would never do something like a birthday card with a slam.

Paul, Saturday night, when I dressed in drag for halloween, I sent a pic to my kids who are 20, and 18 (almost 19) and got great responses. My daughter loved it, and my son replied with a dry wit: "A less understanding son would be very unhappy about that picture." I wish you could have the same kind of friendship with your kid(s?)

[dsdrane]

...happy birthday from me, too.

Here's my 2 cents:

First of all, have a fabulous time in P-town. J'adore P-town!

Secondly, take a fun picture of you and your squeeze and send it in a card to your mother with a note that says:

Mom --

Thank you for the birthday card.

I love you, too.

I'm sorry that my gayness still bothers you...I hope someday it won't.

I've enclosed a picture of [squeeze] & me in Provincetown, Mass.

Love, [You]

[Unmasked]

Happy birthday love. I'd have to say that that is the oddest card I've ever heard of. I usually don't care to receive them if there's not money or a check in them, because greeting cards annoy me.

Anyhow, definitely take the high road. It pisses people off. It's the whole concept of turning the other cheek. Look her in the eye and then offer the other to her. Demonstrate your humanity. Refuse to be objectified. I hope that one day your mother will love you for all that you are.

[Vanessa White]

PNG: Happy Birthday!! When was it? And why did we miss it? Anyway, I am really excited for the two of you to journey to P-town, it is one of the most beautiful places I have ever been. Besides the gayness of it all, I feel like I am on the edge of the world looking out at nothing but ocean. It is rather overwhelming to me. Secondly, I am not sure how to advise you to respond, if at all. If that were my mother sending a card, I would be so hurt, more hurt than angry I suppose. But, I have not been exposed to what you have by your parent. Maybe the best response is no response, because it doesn't cater to her need to communicate to you in such an ineffective, negative way. And, do a lot of self-talk to you about how precious and loved and worthwhile you are, just as you are. I hope and pray that she will be ready in time to at least consider that the way she sees it is not "The Way".

Enjoy the bliss of your trip.

[Zerbie]

Oh my - ! -

PNG (and Paul) - that's terrible! What a devastating way to raise someone's hopes that they are receiving a friendly loving card from family, and then dash their heart. I can't believe anyone would do that!!!!!! To me, that reads as a thoroughly calculated attempt to make you feel awful.

On your birthday!!!

Yeah, PNG why did we miss it? Was it the same day as mine?(30th)
Was it a Halloween B day?

To my perception, Scotty's reply seems almost too gentle, beautiful as it is. (Did I just write that? Really? TOO gentle? What am I, insane?) But I feel like a firm response is warranted. How about:

Dear Family Member,

I love you and always will. Thank you for remembering my birthday.
However, understand that the misguided message about repentance and answering to god comes across as nothing but hurtful and manipulative when included in a surprise birthday card, and it thoroughly undermines the kindness of the gesture. In future, please either send birthday greetings that are whole-hearted, or else if you have such great reservations that you feel you must include negative judgments and proselytizing in your greeting, I would prefer no card at all.

[scott snedeker]

Originally Posted by u-dog

Scotty's suggestion is, ironically, more Christian than mine and is probably the better response. However, for what its worth, here is another idea:

Send the card back to her and include a brief note that says something like:

"I love you too mom. When you are able to tell me that you love me WITHOUT consigning me to hellfire I will be happy to recieve another birthday card from you. Until then, I would just as soon not hear it from you."


As I say... Scotty the Pagan's response is far more "Christian" than mine.

Thanks for the compliment!

I like the defending of boundaries in your approach and would like to somehow meld the two.

But the spirit of my letter is, in fact my melding of two of my spiritual leaders, Abraham and Don Miguel Ruiz.

First is the Toltec paradigm taught by Don Miguel:

Your mother's homophobia is all her own and has nothing to do with you unless you allow it to enter your world. It is her own dream (nightmare) in the Toltec sense. Her world is defined as her perception of the stimulus around her.

She is frightened by her own dream and acting counter to her maternal instincts as a result of this fear, the fear of eternal damnation. Her level of awareness of her depth of unconsciousness is perhaps lightened hence the birthday card. She is a human being, imperfect yet doing her best given her state of consciousness.

Here is where Abraham comes in with the emotional scale:

The poorest emotional state with virtually complete disconnection from your inner being/ Source energy of all living things [God] is fear. Fear is the opposite of unconditional love of self and others which is virtual oneness with [God] (inner being/ Source energy of all living things).

Pagans just add sex into the mix for good measure to strengthen the love connection to [God] and increase the sacredness of this connection. You could add a pagan twist to the letter wishing you could share the joy and love with her that comes from your love-making but I think this would certainly be misunderstood by most non-pagan folk.

So my reaction is to emphasize not her flaw but instead her forking in the right direction away from the flaw. I attract her to the vision of what I'd like to see and compliment her on what is good in her and on my perception of her success. This is my application of Abraham's law of attraction (Attraction reinforces what you want, while opposition reinforces what you are opposing).

The contrast between your vision and her flaw does all the work because the contrast makes the reality of what is, more apparent. I believe this closely resembles Christ's message of turning the other cheek but arrived at by a different spiritual path.

[scott snedeker]

Originally Posted by paul

oh dear.
first of all:

Happy Birthday Sweetheartwithout qualification

I think there must be a fundymart where a certain style of 'christian' gets there cards. "Hellmark, when you care to send the very worst."

I got a similar card from my son. "I had a hard time writing anything in this card. I love you and am praying for the repentance of my backslidden father."

it was the only card I got, could have done without it.

Very sorry to hear this story! Paul! I might ask your son if he would be comfortable with you showing the message in the card to Jesus? Or if Jesus were in his physical presence and watching while he was writing the message would he have written the same thing?

[keltic63]

Originally Posted by scott snedeker

Very sorry to hear this story! Paul! I might ask your son if he would be comfortable with you showing the message in the card to Jesus? Or if Jesus were in his physical presence and watching while he was writing the message would he have written the same thing?

nice twist on the WWJD! because too many people assume that they know what Jesus would do, or that he would somehow approve of their actions, but making it a bit more personal by asking them to show this to Jesus, or if they would write it in front of him is a great way to focus the "WWJD" question.

[paul]

I really don't think showing the card to Jesus would faze png's mom or my kid. I think they are pretty certain that they speak for God. My son has used the word "tough love" to describe his attitude towards me (do we have a puking emoticon?).

keltic,

I know a few women who would be jealous of those legs. That pic was a riot.

[Zerbie]

Originally Posted by paul

(do we have a puking emoticon?).

k

.

Yes. See? That guy either just did, or is about to.

[keltic63]

Originally Posted by paul

keltic,

I know a few women who would be jealous of those legs. That pic was a riot.

I know a few women who are jealous of my legs!

[u-dog]

Originally Posted by paul

I got a similar card from my son. "I had a hard time writing anything in this card. I love you and am praying for the repentance of my backslidden father."

it was the only card I got, could have done without it.

this sort of completely redefines the term "CHILD ABUSE"

I would be happy to loan you one of my sons. Any one of the three of them would treat you with the love and respect that you deserve.

Here is some scripture for the sanctemonious, ungrateful twit to meditate upon day and night:

The one who begets a fool gets trouble;
the parent of a fool has no joy.

Foolish children are a grief to their father
and bitterness to her who bore them.

9All who curse father or mother shall be put to death; having cursed father or mother, their blood is upon them.

Honour your father and your mother, as the Lord your God commanded you, so that your days may be long and that it may go well with you in the land that the Lord your God is giving you.

Damn but that really STEWS MY TOMATOES !!

[paul]

you're on a roll u, second time today something you wrote brought tears to my eyes. time to go home.

[u-dog]

I'm sorry, Paul. I know you love your kids.. which is appropriate. I just can't stand that they treat you this way. You are a FINE HUMAN BEING! and deserve to get respect. But I shouldn't lay a trip on you. I apologize!

[pnggrad79]

Hi everyone. My wife and I made it to P-town, and it is Nov. 2 my birthday. We toured Boston yesterday. We saw Hahvahd (Harvard if you're from Texas).

Anyway, I did type up a response to my mother, but my wife told me I couldn't send it to her in anger. She said I needed to respond but not in anger. I agreed, but I told her that I was not going to let my mom get away with writing that to me. I would preferred to be ignored, like she has done the past two years to me.

Well, we are getting a hurricane here tomorrow, so we are going to see part of Ptown today and Hyannis. So off we go. Check back with ya'll tonight.

I will write a draft and post it to see what ya'll think. I want this to be a group effort and well written. I want everyone's response to this nonsense. I am standing up to this drivel. (did I spell that right?)

Anyway. We are off to see the town.

[Vanessa White]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR PNG..........


HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

:a party::s ing:

I am so glad that the two of you made it there safely, enjoy the sights, sounds and delights there. And have a great birthday. Peace, Vanessa