A "New Guy"

[bkeithb]

Greetings all ...

First - I am so thankful for this forum and the ministry of SoulForce. God bless you all!

I will clip and paste a message I sent to SoulForce yesterday as a way to introduce myself. If any of you can respond and provide helpful advice I would appreciate it ...

Blessings!
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Greetings in the Name of our Lord, Jesus Christ. I thank God for you and the ministry of Soulforce!

I won't beat around the bush. I'll get directly to my story. I am a 40 yr. old Christian minister in an evangelical/non-denominational church (affiliated with Churches of Christ - you just visited Abilene Christian University, I believe). I am also married to a wonderful woman, Margaret, and we have been blesed with three kids.

The last two years have been crazy. I have begun to deal emotionally with both sexual abuse (as a child) as well as my same-sex attractions. I was abused as a boy (around 5 or 6 by older boy) and then again as a teen (by a teacher). But in between those events, and afterward, I lived an active gay/bi lifestyle.

I'm getting a bit ahead of myself - let me back up. I was sexually abused by an older boy when I was between 5 and 7 years old. As I got older, I had little "crushes" on other boys, but also some girls. As I entered teen years, I took my attractions further and began to experiment with some male friends sexually. I think that they did so fantasizing about girls. I enjoyed it for it's own sake, however. I kept secret my attraction towards guys. I did date girls, but nothing serious.

When I was 16, I started working for a teacher on his ranch. Years before "Brokeback Mountain!" He plied me with booze and porn and sexually abused me. But the relationship became fairly mutual and he became a mentor of sorts to me in many ways. He tried to convince me I was gay then, but I did not want to accept that. I was raised in a church that told me homosexuality was one of the greatest sins ever! I would be condemned by everyone I held dear. So I told myself I was not gay and promptly left that relationship (after a year) and found a girlfriend. I had sex with her to "prove" I wasn't gay.

Then I went into the U.S. Air Force. I immediately met a gay man in boot camp and we followed one another to England. We had a relationship for a while - more friendship than anything. But sex was involved. He fell in love with me. But I refused to recognize that I was gay. I had lots of buddies who wanted me to go out girl chasing at clubs. I'd go and sometimes end up with one overnight. But it was awkward. I had other male lovers through these years as well - some one-nighters, some longer relationships. These relationships felt natural and good to me. I started dating a girl from work, but it was awkward and we never had sex. It felt unnatural.

Finally - I met a blonde with the most beautiful eyes in the world and a smile that could light up a room. Margaret was different. She was (and is) so very special. I felt I could talk to her all night. She was funny and fun to be with. It felt natural and good. Neither of us were Christians at the time (but both raised in homes of faith).

Long story short - we fell in love and married. I thought that my past was history and that I was straight now. But for the past 18 years, though the marriage has been good, the same-sex attractions continue. Sometimes strong. Sometimes not so much.

In the last two years I've not only shared the history of sexual abuse with my wife, but in the last two months shared my history as a gay/bi man and my ongoing same-sex attractions. She is dealing remarkably well with it and is supporitive. I am in therapy for the sexual abuse (and all its fallout) at the moment and it is helping tremendously.

But here's the rub. I am coming to consider myself as a gay/bi married man. I love God and Christ is, indeed, my Savior and Lord. I love my wife deeply. I want to stay in this relationship and honor my covenant to Margaret and God. Does Soulforce have resources to help Christian couples who find themselves in a "mixed orientation" marriage (MOM)? I would really like to know about it if you do.

Also - I struggle with staying in my ministry as a gay/bi man. True, I am living in a monogamous/heterosexual relationship. But I wonder how honest it is to remain "in the closet" with everyone else and stay "silent" when the topic of homosexuality comes up. I've read the booklet "What the Bible Says - and Doesn't Say About Homosexuality" and have been studying other resources. I can no longer in good conscience teach what I formerly taught (i.e., GLBT have to stay celibate to be pleasing to God). So I struggle with staying in the ministry as well.
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Thanks for listening!

BKEITHB

[schoolboi]

Keith,

WOW! What a story. I am glad you have shared it with us and that you are here. I would encourage you to read Mel White's book Stranger At the Gate to Be Gay and Christian In America. I think you will find in it many similarities to your story. Many blessings on your continued journey. I can't wait to hear more from you.

Corey H.

[Vanessa White]

Keith: Thank you so much for your candid telling of your story and how it is shaping who you are today. Schoolboi always has a lot of good ideas no matter what a person's circumstance is. In addition, there is so much love and support among the people in the Soulforce forums, that you will find what you need here, I am certain. Please remember, that God loves you and Margaret for who you are, and that this time in your journey may be difficult and loaded with questions, but He loves you, and loves that you want to figure it out to still be in service to Him. Welcome to the forums, please come often, and Blessings and Prayers to you and your family. Peace always, Vanessa

[Zerbie]

Welcome! You are at home here.

I recognize parts of your story - unfortunately abuse is all too common. It is not actually that unusual to be questioning your sexuality - or revising your understanding of it - at various times during your life. I know someone who was violently sexually assaulted. He is bisexual. But he dealt with confusion between his God-given sexuality and the after-effects of sexual assault for 30 years before seeing clearly where one stopped and the other one began.

It sounds like you probably are bisexual. From your self-description.

I am bisexual and married (monogamous, in love, happier than anything!). It's wonderful! Our relationship is the best thing that ever happened to me. I find no contradiction between identifying as a bisexual person (who once identified as lesbian for a while in the earlier stages of coming out) and being married to an opposite-sex partner.

It sounds like your marriage is a great blessing in your life. Your challenge right now is understanding and resolving whatever residue remains with you from the various abuses that you suffered in the past. You have so much support and help I know you will succeed. Have good courage, you were strong enough to get through it then while young and confused, so much more strength you have for it now.

Right now sounds like the time to get past any obstacles the abuse may have left in your personal/emotional/professional life. While you are dealing with the residue of sexual abuse is NOT the time to make life-altering decisions about coming out. coming out as a bisexual, monogamously married to someone of the opposite sex, can easily get misunderstood by those with fanciful preconceptions about what bisexuality means. Wait to come out publicly until a time when your abuse history is fairly well resolved (there may always be some residue, but there comes a time when post-trauma symptoms and/or learned (mal)adaptive behaviors are largely a thing of the past) - wait for that time, before taking on the additional challenge of public coming-out. Parcel out how much you deal with at any given time. You will know when you are ready to decide if your conscience demands coming out, or if allowing others to perceive you as a straight ally is acceptable to you. Most people who know me 3D think of me as a straight allied activist - those who ask learn that I am queer-identified. But mostly, it's just y'all on this forum who know that.

There is such a thing as the Straight Spouses Network - you might search them for resources. Also, if you do a search on Bi-Net, you can find organizations that offer support groups for mixed orientation marriages. I've come across meeting announcements in my area. Never used 'em though, because hubby and I don't feel that our different orientations pose any kind of an "issue" to work on. He knew what I was from almost the moment he met me. That's what/who he fell in love with.

All the best to you. Please post again and let us know how you are doing, what resources you were able to find.

Best wishes,

Zerbie

(I edited this to make the reference to another person's story more vague, even though I'm sure no one would have known who I am talking about anyway, I just thought vague-r was better.)

[bkeithb]

Thanks for all your replies! This is a very supportive place indeed!

Cory - thanks for the book recommendation. I'll see if I can pick up a copy at a used bookstore near by.

Vanessa - what a potent reminder of God's love for both Margaret and I. I needed to hear that.

And Zerbie - have you been talking to my therapist (ha)? Just came from an appt with him and he said the exact same thing (No big decisions for a while). Since my wife and I DO enjoy our sex life, I feel that I am probably bisexual. But because I tried to deny this aspect of myself so long, who knows? Whatever I end up identifying as ... I know God loves me and will use me in His service. And at this point, I have no intention of coming out to anyone other than myself and my wife. But perhaps later on down the road?

It is SOOO good to hear from a bisexual who is committed to a monagomous relationship with their spouse! That's what I want for my wife and me as well. I love her dearly and want to honor our marriage covenant!

Thanks again for the welcome everyone!

[Zerbie]

Keith,

I know that you do honor your marriage. It just radiates out from your 2 posts here so far.

Haha - talk to your therapist? Naw. I've been down some nasty side roads in my own life, and had some humongous post-trauma challenges to deal with. That's the real big stuff in life. I floated through a lot of self-help and psychology books, and it's common advice that when you are dealing with something THAT big (childhood sexual abuse has enormous repercussions!) ya wanna put off major life decisions until a time when emotional/psychological upheaval from the abuse is not foremost in your life.

I'm glad you are seeking therapy - your mind and heart are clearly in a good place, and I am confident all will work out for you.

Best!

Z

[bkeithb]

Thanks for the encouragement!

My wife and I had another long talk last night (after a long talk with my therapist).

I shared that he said that I/we should not make any major life-decisions for at least 6 months (about my sexuality, staying in ministry, etc.). She was good with that.

However, as I reflect on things (as I often do) - I am becoming more and more comfortable with the label "bisexual." It seems to fit the facts as I understand them.

In high schoo and as a young adult, I was bi leaning gay. I expressed my sexuality almost entirely as a gay man. After meeting and falling in love with my wife, I am bisexual leaning straight. I have a happy, fulfilling relationship with my wife.

However, as I grow older (40 now) ... the same-sex attractions grow more intense, I find. Maybe it's because I'm dealing with so much (sexual abuse, etc.) and in therapy? Maybe it's because some other reason? In any event, I will have to work on self-control if I want to be faithful to my wife. And I DO!

Thanks for listening to my rambles ...

A great place to be! Thanks again for the welcome!

[schoolboi]

You are in my prayers.

[Mia14]

I think sexuality has best been described as a spectrum, a rainbow, and that there are few of us who fit perfectly in any category or label. Take pride in who you are simply because God made you. The labels aren't as important as being comfortable with the person who you are.


SMILE!!!!! You're among many friends.

[bkeithb]

Mia - what you say about there being a spectrum to our sexuality really makes sense to me, personally.

As I said, before I married, I was bi leaning gay. When I married I thought I'd put the past behind me and was straight. Presently, I am bi in a straight relationship (very happy marriage) but with stronger same-sex attractions. Where will I end up? No idea! But I am going to accept me and believe that God accepts me too.

Thanks again for all the encouragement at this site!

[Liberal Crozier]

Keith,

How many of us have had this journey of faith and discovery? As a major theological seminarian, as a young priest confronted with the reality of first love from either sex - having had a secular undergraduate university experience that was entirely opposite sex in nature. And since my advanced work was in moral theology and pastoral counselling, the need to parse words and thoughts allowed this philosophy major to retain some sense of sanity on a daily basis.

The miracle, of course, was the long-suffering and long-loving spouse of thirty years, who lived in our small closet and made room for one more to form a family.

There is always a seminal action or speech that forever changes the method of ministry for all of us. For me, it was resignation from a religious denomination intent on doing spiritual violence to me and my brothers and sisters. Parsed out, it usually suggests the need for a new secular career as you redefine your clerical re-emergence. You are young, and if you earned an undergraduate degree and a graduate divinity degree, then you can find the means to obtain a graduate degree in those " once-a-week for 18 months " programmes that are popular in both the States and Canada.

You will hear from many, and hope that we can share together, to help ourselves in the process, and more importantly, to be a presbyterus and minister to others. +THE LIBERAL CROZIER, AKA - "THE LIBBISH"

[bkeithb]

Thanks "Libby" (I like that)

Yes - it may well come to that ... i.e., resigning and retraining into something other than ministry. I've given that some thought and prayer. I've come to no decisions (and my therapist has asked me not to make any decisions for at least 6 mo).

Your insights are helpful, though. And I am becoming more and more comfortable with "me." My wife is as well. So, it's all good ... for now .

Thanks again!