Growing pains

[Vanessa White]

The thread that sailaway began: How does it feel? Got me thinking.

In his post that he made this morning, he talked openly about his growing process in terms of his embracing of LGBT identity, and discovering that it is not sinful. Heavy stuff. There are so many threads that we are currently exploring that seem to address some aspect of self-knowledge, growth, awareness, love, etc. I guess, because that is really what this journey of life is all about. So my question is:

Can we talk about what growth we see in our selves over our life span? And what areas we continue to want to expand upon and grow? This has the potential to be a very personal thread of sorts, but one that affects us all.

I had a friend tell me once that it does no good to look back on growth that one has made; that to do so is kind of self-serving and really can get us stuck in that and not on continuing forward. I totally, and respectfully, disagree. Sure, if we stay where we have grown without aspirations to keep learning, than I guess we run that risk. However, I believe that looking back at our growth can only inspire us to keep going. That is, unless we are self-deprecating in how we "used" to handle situations; growth comes at different stages of life for a reason, and I don't think that we ever learn a lesson until we are READY to learn it.

My growth? Coming out- FULLY. What a journey that has been!! When I think about how timid I was about it at first, and I would just kind of "announce" my lesbianism and then feel totally self-conscious, like I had to get it out in a burst to get it over with, but then would feel self-conscious, even shameful, for making a big deal about it. Now, it is just very matter of fact, as in it is part of the overall conversation, it doesn't always have to have its own platform (although there are times that it needs to, in terms of legislative/activism issues, raising awareness, etc.)

My other area of growth is one that is intensely personal also. I, as many of you have come to know me, am a giver, a lover, a hugger (my dad teases me about being a tree hugger, which, yes, I have been known to even hug a tree!!!). How I defined that in my life in terms of behaviors has been that I should give, give, give, and then give some more. To take, or even RECEIVE, was bad, was not necessary, was an imposition. I drove myself to exhaustion, keeping my heart on my sleeve, keeping my rose colored glasses on that everyone else viewed giving in the same way I did. I almost always ended up hurt and disappointed, because I extended expectations on others even when I didn't think I was. My heart hurt a lot back then. I convinced myself that not exposing myself that fully, yet still being loving and giving, would be unfair to others. Boy was I wrong. I have learned how to give, but not give myself away. I give after I know I have enough to sustain me. Man, those were the most painful of lessons, but I am more blissful than I have ever been.

And I know there is only more growth to come.

[paul]

Coming out...Now, it is just very matter of fact, as in it is part of the overall conversation, it doesn't always have to have its own platform

Vanessa,
I consider that to be maturity and think it is wonderful, just simply refusing to sit at the back of the bus. We never have control over how people respond to us, we only have control over how we respond to us.

I have come to a similar place. My gayness is neither a source of pride or shame, it is simply part of the package that is me.

I have learned how to give, but not give myself away. I give after I know I have enough to sustain me.

I think I am still learning this one. I think it is connected to lesson one though.

[kara speltz]

Vanessa, what a powerful thread! At 70, I have a lot of years to look back on, and I agree it can really be a helpful process as long as we don't get stuck in the Ego.

My next door neighbor had a stroke several months back. A friend of hers gave her a book by Ram Das (one of my teachers through the years). The book is called, "Still Here." It's about his life as he ages - he had a stroke a couple of years back.

Last week when my neighbor said she was having trouble reading the book because she couldn't both read and comprehend what she was reading. I offered to read to her and what an experience that has been. I really look forward to doing that on a regular basis. It has brought back so much of what Ram Das has taught me through the years. I was blessed to take a 10 week course with him on "serving." One of the most important things I learned was that for me to serve others, I needed to be able to set some boundaries, and that was something I wasn't very good at.

As I age, I seem to be getting better at that one. I'm also being forced to deal with the "accepting help" - a part of aging everyone faces and while I still am uncomfortable with being on the receiving end, I'm blessed to have friends who will say to me, "Kara, just say thank you and shut up!"

Thanks Vanessa, for opening this thread. It's one we can all benefit from.

Kara

[BenL]

Originally Posted by Vanessa White

My other area of growth is one that is intensely personal also. I, as many of you have come to know me, am a giver, a lover, a hugger (my dad teases me about being a tree hugger, which, yes, I have been known to even hug a tree!!!). How I defined that in my life in terms of behaviors has been that I should give, give, give, and then give some more. To take, or even RECEIVE, was bad, was not necessary, was an imposition. I drove myself to exhaustion, keeping my heart on my sleeve, keeping my rose colored glasses on that everyone else viewed giving in the same way I did. I almost always ended up hurt and disappointed, because I extended expectations on others even when I didn't think I was. My heart hurt a lot back then. I convinced myself that not exposing myself that fully, yet still being loving and giving, would be unfair to others. Boy was I wrong. I have learned how to give, but not give myself away. I give after I know I have enough to sustain me. Man, those were the most painful of lessons, but I am more blissful than I have ever been.

Vanessa,

Something I learned the difficult way was that receiving gracefully is as blessed as giving, to turn the aphorism on its head. After all, if we can't receive the life and grace that God gives us daily with an open and grateful heart, ... well, you decide. The crux of this lesson for me was that to truly love, one has to make oneself vulnerable. One can give ... and give quite generously ... but do it as a defensive action, a way to protect our own vulnerable core. That's a tough one to learn.

This was a reaction to your story. I'll have to ponder some to come up with a cogent posting about my own growth.

[antiochian]

Hi Vanessa,

To answer your question of personal growth, I don't know where I am exactly. I've gotten a little braver, but many times the thought of taking new risks still terrifies me. But then again I faced that fear in one way by going back to college, which is no small challenge. I also need to work on loving myself and others. I'm bad about holding grudges, whether it's some jerk at work, someone from our past who hurt us or some homophobe on the internet spewing hate speech. I realize that to let myself hate others brings me down to the level of other haters and I am helping perpetuate that cycle. The good thing is I at least realize that now. Other areas I need to work on: I can be ungrateful, lazy, and self-absorbed. Yes, I can be judgmental, but mostly with myself. I'm very harsh on myself at times. To be able to find a greater degree of if not total freedom from these things would be great ,but it's a matter of me being willing to work on it. No one else is perfect either, so I've got that much going for me!

[Vanessa White]

"The good thing is I at least realize that now. "
This part of your post, Antiochian (sorry, I am still learning how to probably quote others so it is pretty primitive at this point!!), is the part that sent the strongest message for me. The awareness of self, others, flaws, strengths, limitations, fears- THAT is so key to our evolution of self. Realizing where and when we "fall short", and how to create new ways to deal with old problems. I have really found it to be true that the further we feel safe to come out of our respective closets, the more we are able to embrace others, since we are embracing ourselves in a more full way. I have not, by any means, done all of the work that I need to do. It is a lifelong process, but seeing how far I have come to this point encourages me to go on.

As do the discussions here. These forums and the discussions we have had on them have been key in my development of self, increasing my knowledge and awareness, and give me the courage to go forward.

As a matter of fact, I plan on visiting MY representative here in PA who keeps blowing me off, thanks to keltic's courageous move last week. I get so inspired here......

[keltic63]

Originally Posted by Vanessa White

As do the discussions here. These forums and the discussions we have had on them have been key in my development of self, increasing my knowledge and awareness, and give me the courage to go forward.

As a matter of fact, I plan on visiting MY representative here in PA who keeps blowing me off, thanks to keltic's courageous move last week. I get so inspired here......

this is the 2nd (nope, make that the 3rd, I just re-read another email) time today that someone has described me as courageous. I just don't see it. Most of the time I think I'm so timid. I don't do or say half of the things I think I should. I really think I'm just learning to speak up for things that I know are right. When I finally am able to speak up in the moment, I'll be quite a pill, won't I?

[Vanessa White]

I know that I will watching out when that day comes!!! You might not recognize it as courageous, and in one way it is just a matter of doing what is right, but I believe that it does take a level of courage to be who you are, fully, to a person who stands to reject you or shame you in some way. That does take great courage, and comes along with the coming out process.

Seriously, I have seen growth in you over the last two years, and for what it is worth, I am proud of you.

I AM SUCH A SAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Zerbie]

Originally Posted by keltic63

:

this is the 2nd (nope, make that the 3rd, I just re-read another email) time today that someone has described me as courageous. I just don't see it.

You DON'T?!?!?!

Most of the time I think I'm so timid. I don't do or say half of the things I think I should.

Yet you're obviously doing and saying the *other* half of those things.


Now make it four: You have been extraordinarily courageous recently in several different ways. You balance it all out with respect, consideration of those around you, love of truth and peace. You are practicing the real social values. That makes us admire you.