dating wisdom

[matthewspeed]

I have a question for you guys.

I am to meet this guy for a first date next Sunday- March 9. We met on an online dating service - exchanged photos and have been talking on the phone just about every day for the past two weeks.

He is "ultra masculine." I am no "flamer," but more of a metro sexual than anything. (is that term still used??). So, I'm a little self concious about not being as masculine as he is. He has made it clear that he doesn't like femine guys. I told him that I am not as masculine as he is. He knows how I am, I have been honest with him, but he still claims he is very much attracted to me. I dont' know, maybe I am more masculine than I think I am. We both share the same faith and political views. Him and I are rare within the gay community in that we are both Republicans for the most part. We are socially and fiscally conservative in most cases, with the exception to gay rights- that is basic human rights- how can we be against that!!

Any how, he is super opinionated. He can say things that sound very arrogant, but he is also has a sweet, tender side. He is relational, wanting full monogamy with another man. He does not feel the need to be "out" but to be a part of regular society. He will, however, gladly wear another mans ring and will defend his relationship and protect his mate. He has made that clear. He doesnt like Ellen Degeneres, Rosie ODonell, Will and Grace, etc... He does not like any thing that screams "stereotypical gay life."

He resents some of the gay movements attitide that say we are "victims." He says that is nonsense with the exception to certain circumstances when he hears of gay bashing. He just feels that the gay movement uses the gay card as other minorities use the race card. He is not racist. As a matter of fact he has said he finds African American and Hispanic men very attractive and would have no problem having a relationship with such.

He doesn't understand or prefer to be around transgendered people. So, he sounds like a typical narrow minded heterosexual in one breath and then on the other hand, he is the sweetest, romantic guy. He is for Gay marriage.

He is also a Fox news junkie! I have to admit, I love Fox news! But I am more tolerable than he is.

Well in saying all this, is anyone out there like this guy I have described, or have you known someone like this? His passion and aggressiveness attracts me to him. I am drawn to his intense ways of expressing his views. I find that attractive, because he is confident and secure in who he is- a very masculine trait.

I'm just wondering if we will but heads more than we make love!! I am really falling for this guy. Now, when I actually meet him face to face, I may not like the guy. Don't know! Any comments from any of you guys out there?

[Daniel]

No one- no matter how masculine- can validate you, give you the stamp of approval or make you feel better about yourself than you already do. Sure. A guy can help 'love' you out of your insecurities, but this usually happens over a long period of time, and in the end, the person with the insecurities has to, in the end, let them go and stand in his own shoes. I think that takes courage. Having another person believe in us even though we may not believe in ourself can be a big help, but if the other person is simply into themselves, well....that's something else.

Personally, I go with the idea that two people aren't together to fill in the gaps for each other as much as they together are to share who they are with each other. If a relationship is entered into based on what one is going to 'get' out of it, that usually is a sign of trouble.

Relationships that are successful, to my mind anyway, go way beyond externals and the appearance of things, that is, into the substance of things, though externals may initially be important. Let's face it: looks fade. Appearances change. Whats does one do? Trade one's lover in for a younger model?

To my way of thinking anyway: relationships that work have a certain amount of glue holding them together. The more 'connections', the better.

I see from your profile that you are 42 years old. That tells me you've been around the block at least once or twice. With that in mind: what would you tell yourself if you observed someone in your own situation?

One thing I should say: I never did the dating thing over the internet. Had to be 3D for me. Chemistry is very hard to communicate over this medium. Still, others have made a successful go at it. My take? These are people who have access to what is called intuition.

[pnggrad79]

Daniel you are wise beyond your years. I agree with you. It may be that I haven't progressed to point that you have when you say that relationships are not about filling in the gaps where each other is weak, but rather sharing with each other the uniqueness of who are individually. I tend to think that relationships, or the chemistry behind them centers around people being attracted to other people who have the qualities we lack. Therefore, it is a complementary relationship. It is about learning to work together, and learning how to love better. It is definitely not all about sex, but that is an important thing.

My wife recently left, which she has a bad habit of doing when things get hairy. We have been talking a lot, I have seen an anger mgmt therapist, we are going to marriage counseling, and I have seen that our main problem is lack of communication. That is a learned art, and not many people are good at it. I think communication would lead to a lot more diplomacy and peace, instead of the hotheadedness of war. I told her I am afraid of telling her things for fear she will leave. She said she was afraid to discuss heavy topics because she was afraid I would blow up. So we have concentrated on each other's major fears about the other and we don't know how to communicate effectively to get what we want without the other feeling threatened in some way. All that to say, we talked last night and I told her that I needed her home so we could work on our stuff together, and that her being away only compounded the problem. I said we needed to work on our individual issues individually and our together issues together.

We have spent the last two nights together and went on a "date" yesterday. So, I think things are on the mend, but we have a lot of work to do and I think if a relationship is going to succeed, communication is essential.

At some point in time, Daniel, I want us to be like you and your partner, sharing instead of struggling. Loving instead of fighting. Communicating instead of hiding, Confidence instead of fear.

Love is the glue, hard work and commitment are the key. If you have initial attraction, and love grows, that is a good basis for a relationship, but if you don't have the intestinal fortitude to stick it out and work on the inevitable problems that will surface, leave while your heart is intact and let the other person find another one to love.

Sorry for the long post. I just have a lot of thoughts running through my mind.

[Daniel]

Originally Posted by pnggrad79

At some point in time, Daniel, I want us to be like you and your partner, sharing instead of struggling. Loving instead of fighting. Communicating instead of hiding, Confidence instead of fear.

Love is the glue, hard work and commitment are the key. If you have initial attraction, and love grows, that is a good basis for a relationship, but if you don't have the intestinal fortitude to stick it out and work on the inevitable problems that will surface, leave while your heart is intact and let the other person find another one to love.

Hope I didn't give the wrong impression: hubby and I certainly- even after 15 years toether- have our share of issues to work through. What you said about communication is one the of keys- of not the key.

That's a skill (and it is a skill that can be learned- and I am still learning) that I didn't get growing up. We're each had to learn that 'on the job', or to be more precise, 'in relationship'.

I guess my point my here, one I didn't make before, is that, in the last 300 years or so, falling in love, being in love, and loving another person has become the sine qua non of relationship. Our culture expects- and demands- a great deal out of that construct. That's a lot to ask.

Fact is, I did fall in love (though from a humorous perspective, who wants to fall in anything? ) with the man I have lived with for a long time. In a big way. Cosmic way actually. My head blew off. And I was in la-la land for quite a while in the best way possible. Made up (can I say this?) for a lot of shit.

Did it take away all the relative matters like the reality of living with another person and all their 'stuff', internal and external?

No way!

We're all in this pool together honey- swimming away. Sometimes it feels like a struggle. At other times it's easy and comfortable. All I know is that, chances are, if you stay in the pool long enough, and learn how to swim, it can work out.

[matthewspeed]

Thank you Daniel. When you referred to my age of being 42, that hurt because at this age I should be a bit more smarter in terms of relationships. I have to admit, I may have some immaturity in the relationship area. I was married to a woman for 8 years, repressing my sexuality, even though I was openly gay prior to that. Possibly, I reverted back to my adolescent ways of handling relationships while denying who I was during my heterosexual marriage.

I am more insecure at this point in my life. I am actually extremely embarrassed by my original question!! I know I am much more intelligent than that, but I feel I have allowed myself to succumb to old insecurities.

I have always been the one to help others with support and words of wisdom from my past experiences. So to be at this place in my life, emotionally, it is a bit humiliating. I think I need time to collect my thoughts, and possibly receive some counseling in this area.

Blessings to you

-Matthew

[Daniel]

Originally Posted by matthewspeed

Thank you Daniel. When you referred to my age of being 42, that hurt because at this age I should be a bit more smarter in terms of relationships. I have to admit, I may have some immaturity in the relationship area. I was married to a woman for 8 years, repressing my sexuality, even though I was openly gay prior to that. Possibly, I reverted back to my adolescent ways of handling relationships while denying who I was during my heterosexual marriage.

I am more insecure at this point in my life. I am actually extremely embarrassed by my original question!! I know I am much more intelligent than that, but I feel I have allowed myself to succumb to old insecurities.

I have always been the one to help others with support and words of wisdom from my past experiences. So to be at this place in my life, emotionally, it is a bit humiliating. I think I need time to collect my thoughts, and possibly receive some counseling in this area.

Blessings to you

-Matthew

Why feel humilitated? Just listen to that part of yourself that would counsel someone else. You already have the answers within you. And see- you acknoweldge this yourself- as I've bolded above.

Please don't feel bad about your age or your marriage or your supposed immaturity. It's called life.

I'm betting you are smarter than you give yourself credit for.

And for the record: sounds like you have one hot guy on your hands. If it was me, I'd enjoy the journey. Just keep your eyes, ears and heart open.

And a little intuition can go a long way.

[matthewspeed]

Thank you Daniel for your words of encouragement. God Bless you!