Why Can't I?

[trulyme212]

So I kinda need to vent a little bit and I'm sorry for that....

Today at dinner I was sitting with my girlfriend, my sister, and my really good friend (who also happens to be gay) and in the both next to ours were four boys. We were laughing and talking and what not when we hear one of the boys say "thats gay"....now that erks me as it is but it went one. Someone else replied with something like "hey" and the origional persons response was "I hate gay people." I'm sure he said other things but I immeadatly tuned him out....

Furstration....WHY CAN'T I SAY SOMETHING!!!???!?!?


In my heart I know the answer to this question. When I identified as straight I would have said anything but now that I don't I can't.....why?.....becasue I'm too afraid that hes going to ask me something like....Why does it bother you? Are you gay? If I answer that yes....I am outting myself....if I say no i deny who I am.

Even though I know why that doesn't change that I'm not angry at myself for not saying something.....

Thanks for letting me vent!!

[tsenri veros]

I've been that guy a lot in the past, and having same-minded friends around definitely strengthens the ignorance of the insults.

suggestion pending...if your justifiable urge to vent did not include a request for advice, I understand; don't read on... It sounds like your first reaction, had you voiced one, would have been in anger or shock. Either way your argument would have been too easily ignored. I'm glad you walked away and knew to come here to vent, rather than there in the restaurant.
I strongly believe that truth will only be acknowledged when presented in love. If someone confronted me in anger, I would have focused on defending myself against their attack, not the logic in their words.

[Daniel]

Originally Posted by trulyme212

In my heart I know the answer to this question. When I identified as straight I would have said anything but now that I don't I can't.....why?.....becasue I'm too afraid that he's going to ask me something like...

Just because you're out you don't have to be waving the flag all the time. I know others might disagree with me, but I think we have to chose our battles carefully. Sometimes they're not worth it. We just end up feeling rattled. And what good is that?

I think you'll have plenty of opportunities to out yourself in the future. I've been coming out for what seems like forever- now that I'm in my late 40's. I still get a buzz from saying "husband" and "boyfriend." When you see the hair stand up on the back of the person's head, you know you've made an impact.

[Daniel]

Originally Posted by tsenri veros

I strongly believe that truth will only be acknowledged when presented in love.

Yes yes yes- very well said.

[Jennifer5]

I agree venting here was a good choice, people really don't take anything in unless it's represented in love.... so sorry you feel this way... this was the right place come

[Zerbie]

Wouldn't have made any sense to say something to the strangers in the next booth. That's butting in randomly to another group's conversation (however ignorant the conversation was). Ignoring that made good sense. it actually isn't worth getting angry over it, or criticizing yourself for not saying something - that just wastes your emotional energy.

When the day comes that someone says those words to you, or a group you are part of, THAT is the time to consider saying something.

I also hear ya that it's easier to speak out about these things when you identify as straight. I've identified all over the board, and can guarantee that when I thought of myself as straight it was easier to say. But when the moment is really truly important, you will know. Those guys in the restaurant simply weren't important. Last night's incident wasn't important.

I still have a hard time speaking out, even when it's important, even when I've told myself I will. There are some days I just can't muster the emotional energy to go there. So I agree with those who said to save the energy for the important battles. And don't be mad at yourself. When the time is right you will speak out in ways that will make you astounded at your own courage.

[Mia14]

Originally Posted by Zerbie

Wouldn't have made any sense to say something to the strangers in the next booth. That's butting in randomly to another group's conversation (however ignorant the conversation was). Ignoring that made good sense.... When the day comes that someone says those words to you, or a group you are part of, THAT is the time to consider saying something.

I'd have to agree with Zerbie that confronting strangers would probably have received a bad reaction. Don't worry if you're not ready to confront the adversaries yet - you're still getting used to your newly emerged self and having a hard enough time getting ready to come out to people you know, never mind strangers. I've felt a similar helpless feeling before, and I know it's not easy. I'm sorry about the frustration you felt.

I agree that when the topic comes up in a group of people you know, then you might be able to feel more comfortable saying something. If anyone asks if you're gay and you're not ready to come out to them yet, you could always say that you're passionate about it because a family member or best friend is gay.