Loving the Idea of someone...

[Jennifer5]

So, I don't really understand it, but has anyone ever liked the idea of someone else... in the sense that you feel like you want someone to play a certain roll in your life...?

In a partner, a friend, a parent?



Does this question make sense?

[Zerbie]

You mean, a particular individual who you wanted in your life?

Or, that you wish there were someone to take a role in your life, but you haven't met anyone in particular who would fit it?

[Jennifer5]

Originally Posted by Zerbie

You mean, a particular individual who you wanted in your life?

Or, that you wish there were someone to take a role in your life, but you haven't met anyone in particular who would fit it?

The second one, although the first question is a very interesting topic as well...


But for now...
Have you ever wished there were someone to take a role in your life, but you haven't met anyone in particular who would fit it?

[Jennifer5]

so, bad topic?

[Daniel]

Jenny honey-

What I hear you telling us is that your little small voice is looking for somethiing: a mentor, a guide, a place to hang your hat for while.

I remember feeling this very keenly when I was your age- and I even had this feeling well into my 30's. Why? There are parts of our development that we know- intuitively- need rounding out. In my case, it manifested in finding the right voice teacher. Though, in the end, while I did find that person, I still had to do the work of putting together the missing pieces of the puzzle- as it were.

In other words: someone can show us the way, but we still have to walk down the path.

There is a good exercise you can do about this stuff: keep a journal. Or as Julia Cameron encourages in The Artist's Way, do your 'pages' - that is- write every morning. Three pages. Handwritten. No stopping. Keep the hand moving.

A lot of 'stuff' will come out in the process- patterns emerge eventually. Everything comes up: the good, the bad, and the boring. I know writers who hate this process, while others love it.

I suggest this because you will be able- through this kind of technique- to more closely identify what it is you are 'looking' for.

In sum: the more refined the question you ask yourself, the clearer the answer.

[Jennifer5]

Originally Posted by Daniel

Jenny honey-

What I hear you telling us is that your little small voice is looking for somethiing: a mentor, a guide, a place to hang your hat for while.

I remember feeling this very keenly when I was your age- and I even had this feeling well into my 30's. Why? There are parts of our development that we know- intuitively- need rounding out. In my case, it manifested in finding the right voice teacher. Though, in the end, while I did find that person, I still had to do the work of putting together the missing pieces of the puzzle- as it were.

In other words: someone can show us the way, but we still have to walk down the path.

There is a good exercise you can do about this stuff: keep a journal. Or as Julia Cameron encourages in The Artist's Way, do your 'pages' - that is- write every morning. Three pages. Handwritten. No stopping. Keep the hand moving.

A lot of 'stuff' will come out in the process- patterns emerge eventually. Everything comes up: the good, the bad, and the boring. I know writers who hate this process, while others love it.

I suggest this because you will be able- through this kind of technique- to more closely identify what it is you are 'looking' for.

In sum: the more refined the question you ask yourself, the clearer the answer.

No 'Jenny', please...

I know you mean well, but I feel a bit picked on by this (and I know, I probably should've worded things better then, I opened myself up for this). By picked on, I guess it's not really picked on... it's just that I don't feel like I've been screwed up by anything I've gone through, if anything, I've learned a lot! But here I feel like I'm told that I'm really messed up, I think I'm being told I have to have someone to 'take care of me'... am I misinterpreting this?

[Zerbie]

Originally Posted by Jennifer5

No 'Jenny', please...

I know you mean well, but I feel a bit picked on by this (and I know, I probably should've worded things better then, I opened myself up for this). By picked on, I guess it's not really picked on... it's just that I don't feel like I've been screwed up by anything I've gone through, if anything, I've learned a lot! But here I feel like I'm told that I'm really messed up, I think I'm being told I have to have someone to 'take care of me'... am I misinterpreting this?

Gosh, Jen, I don't think Danny meant *that* at all!!

I think he was saying that if you felt a vague desire for someone to fill some kind of role in your life, free writing is one way of letting the pieces come together and fill out more precisely what it is that you want. So you can find it.

[Jennifer5]

I'm sorry!

I guess it is a good idea... although I'm sure I won't do it, but what he said still leads me in the right direction...

Simply... what am I looking for?



Except, I'm more curious just to know if others have felt the same way (which Daniel says he has )... I know what I'm looking for, it's just not all that easy to find.



Daniel, I am VERY sorry for taking what you said the wrong way... I just wasn't really sure..

[Vanessa White]

I ditto what Zerbie said, I think Daniel was telling you what might help to guide you in what you are looking for, or rather, WHO.

I had to think over the last few days if I have had that same experience. I think how I review the happenings of my life is that I haven't in my mind had the idea of someone; well, in the context of wanting to meet the love of my life, I had ideas of who that person would be. But, to fulfill a certain role/position in my life, for me it has usually been that after the person has entered my life, I conclude what their role in my life is. Does that make sense?

Your thread helped me to recall a woman who I only remember as her name being Judy. I met her one of the summers that I was home from college, at my parents. She worked with my mom at the time, and I was totally intrigued and connected to her. We had some great conversations, and my mom at one point told me that she had worked at our local college, and had to leave because it was reported that she was involved with a female student. True or not, she was fired. I find it interesting in hindsight that she came into my life, because even though I didn't even have a full awareness of my own sexual identity at the time, and she and I never spoke about it, it is almost like she was in my life as part of the guiding of my coming out a while later.

[drewcaine]

I'm missing out on a mortal father (although God's helping me out--he always will), my mother ignores me, my siblings think I'm a dumbarse...and I desperately want a "tiger" in my life. I mean, look at it this way: I finally start wearing my rainbow shirt, and now all the other Skittles have ski-daddled--now does THAT make any SENSE at all? I thought there would've been at least one gay guy who would've liked me...meh, this is all so screwy>_>
drewcaine

[paul]

Originally Posted by Jennifer5

The second one, although the first question is a very interesting topic as well...


But for now...
Have you ever wished there were someone to take a role in your life, but you haven't met anyone in particular who would fit it?

Gee,

I had a whole different take on this question. When I first read it, it kept bouncing around in my mind...it hit something in me.

I have this thing about image, and I guess "idea" hit me the same way. We are very big on image as a society. "Image sells." Why? Because image is designed to appeal to what people want. Drive a Mercedes, it's a "status symbol. It means I'm wealthy, powerful, exceptional...all sorts of attributes have been built into the image.

So I find myself trying to peal back the layers of a person, see what's under the image designed by that person because they perceive that will get them a particular response- acceptance, admiration, whatever.

We often do not mee the real person because they're buried under image ("idea?"). Also, life is fluid, so if we choose a person for a particular attribute, it may change tomorrow or turn out to be 'image.'

and this may have absolutely nothing to do with what you were thinking Jennifer, but those are some of the thoughts your question evoked in me.
paul

[Jennifer5]

Originally Posted by paul

Gee,

I had a whole different take on this question. When I first read it, it kept bouncing around in my mind...it hit something in me.

I have this thing about image, and I guess "idea" hit me the same way. We are very big on image as a society. "Image sells." Why? Because image is designed to appeal to what people want. Drive a Mercedes, it's a "status symbol. It means I'm wealthy, powerful, exceptional...all sorts of attributes have been built into the image.

So I find myself trying to peal back the layers of a person, see what's under the image designed by that person because they perceive that will get them a particular response- acceptance, admiration, whatever.

We often do not mee the real person because they're buried under image ("idea?"). Also, life is fluid, so if we choose a person for a particular attribute, it may change tomorrow or turn out to be 'image.'

and this may have absolutely nothing to do with what you were thinking Jennifer, but those are some of the thoughts your question evoked in me.
paul

No, you're not really that far off at all if you're saying what I think you're saying...

When I ask if you've ever loved the idea of someone... I'm saying that you like the idea od having them in your life, you may love them for who they are, although you don't know who they actually are...

does that make any sense?

[Zerbie]

Originally Posted by Jennifer5

No, you're not really that far off at all if you're saying what I think you're saying...

When I ask if you've ever loved the idea of someone... I'm saying that you like the idea od having them in your life, you may love them for who they are, although you don't know who they actually are...

does that make any sense?

Yes, Jen, it makes sense. (I do think Paul is talking of a different thing - people who love their idea of who a person in their life is, but never see the real person. Is that it, Paul?)

As to your original musing, Jen, I spent years looking for someone to fit a very specific role. I knew - I felt - that this person was out there, but I was just not finding. Eventually, it happened that I met them and the role did become filled by a specific individual. So I'm fairly sure I know exactly the concept you are talking about. If I'm not drawing a parallel which doesn't apply.

Is there a specific role you wish someone in your life were around to fill?

[Jennifer5]

Originally Posted by Vanessa White

I ditto what Zerbie said, I think Daniel was telling you what might help to guide you in what you are looking for, or rather, WHO.

I had to think over the last few days if I have had that same experience. I think how I review the happenings of my life is that I haven't in my mind had the idea of someone; well, in the context of wanting to meet the love of my life, I had ideas of who that person would be. But, to fulfill a certain role/position in my life, for me it has usually been that after the person has entered my life, I conclude what their role in my life is. Does that make sense?

Your thread helped me to recall a woman who I only remember as her name being Judy. I met her one of the summers that I was home from college, at my parents. She worked with my mom at the time, and I was totally intrigued and connected to her. We had some great conversations, and my mom at one point told me that she had worked at our local college, and had to leave because it was reported that she was involved with a female student. True or not, she was fired. I find it interesting in hindsight that she came into my life, because even though I didn't even have a full awareness of my own sexual identity at the time, and she and I never spoke about it, it is almost like she was in my life as part of the guiding of my coming out a while later.

What you said does make sense and that is much more commonly the case, that you meet the person, then decide the role they will play in your life. Sometimes it can even be very disappointing, because they end up playing a role other then the one you were hoping they would play. I suppose it could always be a good thing though.

Originally Posted by drewcaine

I'm missing out on a mortal father (although God's helping me out--he always will), my mother ignores me, my siblings think I'm a dumbarse...and I desperately want a "tiger" in my life. I mean, look at it this way: I finally start wearing my rainbow shirt, and now all the other Skittles have ski-daddled--now does THAT make any SENSE at all? I thought there would've been at least one gay guy who would've liked me...meh, this is all so screwy>_>
drewcaine

There will be AT LEAST one gay guy who will completely adore you!
You're the first one to respond, that I think really understands what I mean! You love the idea of someone you don't even know... you want someone to play these roles in your life, but you don't know who...

Originally Posted by Zerbie

Yes, Jen, it makes sense. (I do think Paul is talking of a different thing - people who love their idea of who a person in their life is, but never see the real person. Is that it, Paul?)

As to your original musing, Jen, I spent years looking for someone to fit a very specific role. I knew - I felt - that this person was out there, but I was just not finding. Eventually, it happened that I met them and the role did become filled by a specific individual. So I'm fairly sure I know exactly the concept you are talking about. If I'm not drawing a parallel which doesn't apply.

Is there a specific role you wish someone in your life were around to fill?

Sorry Paul, I probably was wrong about my interpretation of your words

Zerbie, there we go! I'm not thinging of a partner of anything, I'm only 17, but I'm sure it's the same feeling.

I wish there were someone around to play the role of a father... I could go on and on with reasons. One thing that makes it even harder, is that I know specifically of two men that might be incredibly good options, people that adore her want to be with her, but are just her friends for now. One guy she just keeps saying that he's to old, yet comparing everyone she dates to him. The other guy, I can understand her hesitation, but the only problem was that we loved him and we were all really happy when he was here.

...and I absolutely don't want anything to do with my father, he's hurt the family enough and that's the opposite of what I'm looking for.

[Zerbie]

That all makes sense.

The specific person I felt out there and wanted fulfilling a certain role was not a partner either. There was that one role I wanted filled where someone eventually appeared who really fit it.

And for an example I can be more open about, I still sometimes wish for a brother. Most of my friends in my adult life have been men, and I believe that's in part because I really long for that platonic connection with men in a 'brother' role. Hey - any guy out there want to adopt me as a sister?

I think given your family's particular history, your feelings of wishing someone would step into the father make complete sense.

[Jennifer5]

Originally Posted by Zerbie

That all makes sense.

The specific person I felt out there and wanted fulfilling a certain role was not a partner either. There was that one role I wanted filled where someone eventually appeared who really fit it.

And for an example I can be more open about, I still sometimes wish for a brother. Most of my friends in my adult life have been men, and I believe that's in part because I really long for that platonic connection with men in a 'brother' role. Hey - any guy out there want to adopt me as a sister?

That makes sense! Also easier to relate to.

I think given your family's particular history, your feelings of wishing someone would step into the father make complete sense.

I father was pretty dead to me that day he walked out the door and over the next couple years I realized there wasn't much to lose, he never did play the role. But I have known other guys who have played that role in my life, and I miss them!

[Zerbie]

Originally Posted by Jennifer5

That makes sense! Also easier to relate to.

I father was pretty dead to me that day he walked out the door and over the next couple years I realized there wasn't much to lose, he never did play the role. But I have known other guys who have played that role in my life, and I miss them!

Oh wow, yeah! I can feel why you would.

There were a lot of guys when I was younger (like, teens and early 20s) who were older men who felt protective of me and sort of positioned themselves like protective older brothers. I still feel a huge surge of warmth and lovingness when I think of any one of those guys. I would love to see them again and give them big hugs and say thanks. They were heros to me.

Makes sense you would miss yours.

[Jennifer5]

Originally Posted by Zerbie

Oh wow, yeah! I can feel why you would.

There were a lot of guys when I was younger (like, teens and early 20s) who were older men who felt protective of me and sort of positioned themselves like protective older brothers. I still feel a huge surge of warmth and lovingness when I think of any one of those guys. I would love to see them again and give them big hugs and say thanks. They were heros to me.

Makes sense you would miss yours.

Yep!

[Daniel]

Jen,

(apologies for the deviation of your name)

When I was a senior in high school, I went with a boyhood friend of mine to visit his aunt and uncle in Boston, where, I came into contact with two of their friends: a gay couple. No one told me they were gay. But I fairly levitated when they were in the room- and in retrospect- one of the guys- I believe- perceived that I was gay. Not a word was spoken.

Why do I tell this story? Because it was some years later before I got what I wanted- a relationship like the one I saw. But boy- did it set off all kinds of ringy dingy stuff in my head and heart: I wanted what I felt that those two guys had.

Ok...now back to you.....

Whatever you are looking for, be it a male presence in your life, which would bring with it a certain kind of nurturing that is all its own, or something else, the first step is knowing what (or as Vanessa pointed out- who) you want. My post was set up to give you a tool find that out (which Zerbie pointed out). Of course, there are others ways to go about this.

For what it's worth, men tend to look for 'solutions' to problems, while women's brains take something (and rightly so) a different route. That's the difference- as I see it in the sexes. There really is something to that Mars & Venus stuff. Men tend to go from point A to point B directly. Women can take a more circuitous route, but do end up at B- they just get there differently. Neither way is better or worse- they are just different. It may be the literal difference of the male and female brain: women have more connective tissue connecting the hemisphere's. One could make a case that women have something of an advantage: they get from A to B with a lot more stuff.

But I think there is something else mixed up in here....

You initially experienced my 'how to' answer in a negative way. And that interests me for this reason: your own negative experience with your father.

Do you see where I'm going here?

Perhaps- you are looking for a male energy that faciltates the healing of those old wounds. There was something about the way I said- what I said- that triggered you. That's something to look at and work out: ie working out that feeling of being judged. Or to put it another way: you may want the experience of being valued and validated by a male presence.

Important stuff. And as I gay man I can identify with that feeling intensely.

As I see it, this is one of the primary functions of intimate relationships. We get to work our old stuff out in 3D with another person. Those relationships need not be romantic however, but there does have to be a level of trust involved.

I think all you need do is keep your eyes open. Heck- you could even ask for what you want- have you thought of that? There may be an organization in your area where you are set up with a mentor. Some guy who is nuturing but also challenging. Brings out the best in you.

Now- see what I've done? Generated another 'solution'. That's what guys do. We like to fix things- cars for instance. Though in my case, it's curtains.

[Jennifer5]

ERRRRR... I just spent the longest time responding and it's gone!!!!!!

I'm going to take a shower and try this again...