scared

[never_again4]

So, I have been a member of this site for awhile... never knew I could post on it. Just kind of used it to get news about what was going on when Soulforce was protesting my college.
But now I am on here...
My name is Amanda Lee. I am scared to write in here because of what I do... I am a bible college student and a minister. I cannot fully come out yet because of those things (among others). If I am found out I could be kicked out of school or lose my housing at my job.
I am 23 and really struggling with my sexual identity and trying to deal with all the crap I am getting.
I am Bi. So not only is it difficult to come out... but when I start to share I not only get it from the straight people, but also from the lesbian community. I am tired of people telling me I need to choose lesbian or straight... I am bi... that is not how it works. I want to be me! I am tired of pretending and making people happy! AHHHHH!
I hope I can make some Bi friends on here or meet some new people who are gay and christians... I just need some support or I am not going to make it. Everything sucks right now and I am tired of hurting...
Sorry so long... Point is, I guess, I am new. Hello, my name is...

[keltic63]

Welcome Amanda! {{{{{hugs}}}}}

You'll find plenty of love around here, I'm sure of that. There are a few bi friends here, and many gay christians. we've got people who have to check the "other" box when it comes to religion!

someone who might be able to help you with the bi issues is Zerbie.....



oh Zerbie, dear, could you speak to our new member Amanda?

[paul]

Hi Amanda ,

In addition to there being some bi here who will relate (Zerbie is a great one Keltic), there are many BLTG people here who will accept you for who you are. There are also a few ministers. You will benefit if you take the time to hang out, talk, make friends, be. I know this is not as good as 3d but it is much better than being alone.

It sounds to me like you have been going through the process of self realization and self acceptance. Had you fully accepted yourself prior to college, I suspect you would have chosen a place that is more affirming? Now that you accept who you are, have you considered going somewhere where you can be who you are?
paul

[Vanessa White]

First of all: YOU ARE SAFE HERE. I am so glad that you discovered the ability to post; check in with posts as often as you need.

All is not lost; being here will definitely help you along in your journey. And, as an out lesbian, I am telling you: YOU DO NOT HAVE TO CHOOSE. Keltic is right: Zerbie can help you out in that department most definitely. Others do not have the right to define who we are or what brings our bliss. You can be bisexual and Christian, and feel really good about it as well. It will come; please hang in there and have faith. I send you peace, love and hugs, Vanessa

[daniel Ray]

Originally Posted by never_again4

So, I have been a member of this site for awhile... never knew I could post on it. Just kind of used it to get news about what was going on when Soulforce was protesting my college.
But now I am on here...
My name is Amanda Lee. I am scared to write in here because of what I do... I am a bible college student and a minister. I cannot fully come out yet because of those things (among others). If I am found out I could be kicked out of school or lose my housing at my job.

Hi Amanda Lee! Thanks for shareing. I believe you are safe on this site, please please try not to be afraid. It is understandable under your circumstances, i would also have those concerns.

I am 23 and really struggling with my sexual identity and trying to deal with all the crap I am getting.
I am Bi. So not only is it difficult to come out... but when I start to share I not only get it from the straight people, but also from the lesbian community. I am tired of people telling me I need to choose lesbian or straight... I am bi... that is not how it works. I want to be me! I am tired of pretending and making people happy! AHHHHH!

I think i understand your position, it's simple in that people tend to choose a side to identify with concerning most issues in life. Just remember that the most important choice is your choice. Do be yourself, you will find that by doing that you will be happy and eventually i believe when those who love you realize your happiness they will be happy for you or at least stop giving you such a hard time.

I hope I can make some Bi friends on here or meet some new people who are gay and christians... I just need some support or I am not going to make it. Everything sucks right now and I am tired of hurting...
Sorry so long... Point is, I guess, I am new. Hello, my name is...

There are many gay believers on here who will be able to offer you support. Things change with time Amanda Lee, eventually the hurting will subside. I know what it feels like and how difficult it is, just hang in, keep your focus on love and the savior Jesus Christ who encourages us to love ourselves; as we are.

"Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing." James 1: 3,4

You are precious in his sight.

[Daniel]

Welcome.

You aren't the only one here who is Bi.

Zerbie- who- I am sure- will show up on this thread any minute now. She's the gal to yak to- she knows what you're going through- being Bi herself. And she's a mensch.

Glad you posted and jumped in the water. It's warm. And you are warmly welcomed to pull up a chair and put up your tired feet.

Peace and joy to you,

Daniel

[Zerbie]

Oh my, with a fanfare like that what can I possibly add to the discussion that will live up to the introduction!?

Dear Amanda, I'm so glad you posted here. Feel free to PM me anytime if you feel like it.

As the others have said, I'm bisexual, and some of them may remember me posting that in my early 20s I felt so pressured to know whether I was straight or gay, that I labeled myself lesbian, came out waving flags, and was an out lesbian (I thought) for a few years. Then discovered to my incredible embarrassment that I had gotten it wrong. I can't tell you how much I wish I hadn't felt like it needed to be one or the other. The pressure in my case came mostly from inside - I was aware of biphobia in the straight AND gay community, and somehow I had gotten my brain locked into assuming that the only viable orientations were mutually exclusive. Now years later, I *still* have to make explanations to people who knew me when.

My advice to you is to toss off the objections that say you can't be bisexual and have to "choose," because those are statements based in complete ignorance. You know your feelings, they don't. If they don't accept your explanation, then they aren't really listening and I'd question how much of a friend they really are.

There are people out there of both genders who are NOT biphobic (sometimes we have to educate them, other times they already "get it"), so yes you WILL eventually be able to locate a date for Friday night. Sometimes we have to sift through some biphobic people on the way to finding one. All the BS from lesbians about never dating a bisexual woman 'cuz she'll leave you for a man is stupid as stupid can be. I was really crazy about this one lesbian girl for a while, and guess what? I was the bisexual, she was the "lesbian," and *she* left *me* for a man. Guess that punches some holes in their theory.

I relate to your trepidation about coming out right now, given your circumstances. So don't. Be safe. It is NOT worth losing housing over - believe me, I know. I've been through something similar; it was a nightmare.

Take your time and finish your degree first. Or, as Paul suggests, consider transferring to a more open institution to finish your degree. For now, be safe, know that your feelings are perfectly fine, and focus on taking care of yourself - spirit, mind, and also your classwork, etc.

I'm glad you're here. Please feel free to come back and post more, ask questions, whatever ya like.

[Gennee]

Originally Posted by never_again4

So, I have been a member of this site for awhile... never knew I could post on it. Just kind of used it to get news about what was going on when Soulforce was protesting my college.
But now I am on here...
My name is Amanda Lee. I am scared to write in here because of what I do... I am a bible college student and a minister. I cannot fully come out yet because of those things (among others). If I am found out I could be kicked out of school or lose my housing at my job.
I am 23 and really struggling with my sexual identity and trying to deal with all the crap I am getting.
I am Bi. So not only is it difficult to come out... but when I start to share I not only get it from the straight people, but also from the lesbian community. I am tired of people telling me I need to choose lesbian or straight... I am bi... that is not how it works. I want to be me! I am tired of pretending and making people happy! AHHHHH!
I hope I can make some Bi friends on here or meet some new people who are gay and christians... I just need some support or I am not going to make it. Everything sucks right now and I am tired of hurting...
Sorry so long... Point is, I guess, I am new. Hello, my name is...

First of all, welcome to Soulforce. Praise God that you are bisexual. No one should make you choose to be someone that you not. I have been reaching out to the bisexual community and have met some wonderful people. I am a transgender individual who believes that we need to support each other. I just finished praying for you my sister and I will continue doing so. Be happy with who you are and be honored that you are a special person in God's sight.

Gennee

[tymejumper]

Originally Posted by never_again4

I am Bi. So not only is it difficult to come out... but when I start to share I not only get it from the straight people, but also from the lesbian community. I am tired of people telling me I need to choose lesbian or straight... I am bi... that is not how it works. I want to be me! I am tired of pretending and making people happy! AHHHHH!
I hope I can make some Bi friends on here or meet some new people who are gay and christians... I just need some support or I am not going to make it.

Welcome Amanda You will meet a lot of nice people here, and many bisexual people also. Some of us are Christain and some of us arn't but we all are pretty nice. Zerbie is Bi and married to a man. I for a long time identified as Bi also. I now ID as lesbian, but I got SO much grief from the lesbian community about my Bi label. People would tell me that I was confused and that I had to choose one or the other. There really were no supports for the Bi community and it was very difficult to be gay, much less Bi.

A few women would say "I would not date a bisexual woman because you can't trust them to be faithful and they will leave you for a man" This was actually at a suport group for women that were in the process of coming out. I ended up going to therapy because I was in so much pain, and I determined that lesbian was closer an orientation for me. I have NEVER forgotten the discrimination I faced and I will NEVER feel that you have to be with men OR women and that Bi is just a confusion stage. I did not change my label to be more accepted in the lesbian community, and I still am a big proponent for acceptance of all shades of the gay spectrum.

Luckily, my wife was not upset by the Bi label. I remember her friends were very upset that I would cheat or treat her badly. I actually had to come out to her as a lesbian

So, whatever you identify as welcome to soulforce and you are around friends and family here.

Much Metta,
Rebekah

[tymejumper]

Originally Posted by Zerbie

As the others have said, I'm bisexual, and some of them may remember me posting that in my early 20s I felt so pressured to know whether I was straight or gay, that I labeled myself lesbian, came out waving flags, and was an out lesbian (I thought) for a few years. Then discovered to my incredible embarrassment that I had gotten it wrong. I can't tell you how much I wish I hadn't felt like it needed to be one or the other. The pressure in my case came mostly from inside - I was aware of biphobia in the straight AND gay community, and somehow I had gotten my brain locked into assuming that the only viable orientations were mutually exclusive. Now years later, I *still* have to make explanations to people who knew me when.

I forgot that happened to you Zerbie. I think I kinda remember having a chat via posts about that. It's strange isnt it? I came roaring out of that closet waving the Bi flag, and found out that I had it wrong, and the exact same thing happened to you but opposite! I also still have to explain to other people that I now say I am lesbian and not Bi. People were and are even angry at me because I didn't identify as lesbian first! I was filled with guilt over it all because I felt that now I had added to that STUPID belief that ALL Bisexuals are just confused and that they are actually one or the other.

Some people still snob me because I was married to a man before I was married to Ellie. They say I am not a "real" lesbian because I had sex with a man so therefore I am and will always be Bi and saying I am a lesbian just is my way of taking from the lesbian community! I just can't win!

Its pretty darn sad that we even have to explain why and how we love who we love. I can only assume that it is because others are insecure about who THEY love and that is why it's a problem.

[Zerbie]

Originally Posted by tymejumper

It's strange isnt it? I came roaring out of that closet waving the Bi flag, and found out that I had it wrong, and the exact same thing happened to you but opposite!: I also still have to explain to other people that I now say I am lesbian and not Bi.

Well, actually, to over-complicate, first I said I was bi - but I only told, like, 3 people. Then I came out as lesbian, and told The Whole World. Then I discovered I really was bi like I thought in the first place.

It was a bad experience at a bisexual support group that led me to conclude I wasn't bi, but was lesbian instead. Because I didn't want to be like the people I met there, so I thought if I just aligned myself with a different *word,* it would make the difference.



People were and are even angry at me because I didn't identify as lesbian first! I was filled with guilt over it all because I felt that now I had added to that STUPID belief that ALL Bisexuals are just confused and that they are actually one or the other.
Don't indulge in guilt. If you had done it as I did, you might - as I was - have been filled with guilt for 'betraying the lesbian sisterhood.'

Can't win with this junk, we really can't. We can only shake our heads and laugh at all the silliness.




Some people still snob me because I was married to a man before I was married to Ellie. They say I am not a "real" lesbian because I had sex with a man so therefore I am and will always be Bi and saying I am a lesbian just is my way of taking from the lesbian community! I just can't win!

That *really* ticks me off. Like they know anything about you or your life! Who are they that they think they know? Do they shun ANY woman who came out a bit later in life? Gee, what a nice bunch. I suppose they would say any gay man who had married a woman in an attempt to turn straight is not and never was gay, either?? Or does that not matter because men are The Enemy?

I'd be glad the folks with attitudes like that leave me alone. They sound really mean!

Oh hang on - "taking" from the lesbian community??? Just what are you supposedly "taking????"

Well, I'm sorry those ladies cannot celebrate love. They are really missing out.

[tdogg]

Hi Amanda, and welcome to Soulforce!!!

Glad you found your way here. You'll find this is a great place, full of friends. So you are Bi? Awesome. That means the world is your oyster! (ok, maybe your cookie??)

I think you'll find lots of support here. The more the merrier! I'm a lesbian (been there, done that, vastly prefer women all around), and I admire all bisexual people. I feel bisexuals are more evolved. Minds more open. Spirits are freer.

Hang out any time you want some great conversation, a safe place to air your thoughts, or just a cyber hug!

Tdogg

[never_again4]

Originally Posted by keltic63

Welcome Amanda! {{{{{hugs}}}}}

You'll find plenty of love around here, I'm sure of that. There are a few bi friends here, and many gay christians. we've got people who have to check the "other" box when it comes to religion!

someone who might be able to help you with the bi issues is Zerbie.....



oh Zerbie, dear, could you speak to our new member Amanda?

thanks for the welcome

[never_again4]

Originally Posted by paul

Hi Amanda ,

In addition to there being some bi here who will relate (Zerbie is a great one Keltic), there are many BLTG people here who will accept you for who you are. There are also a few ministers. You will benefit if you take the time to hang out, talk, make friends, be. I know this is not as good as 3d but it is much better than being alone.

It sounds to me like you have been going through the process of self realization and self acceptance. Had you fully accepted yourself prior to college, I suspect you would have chosen a place that is more affirming? Now that you accept who you are, have you considered going somewhere where you can be who you are?
paul

thanks Paul
I will try to hang out in here as much as possible... I don't have the internet, but I will try my best

I had feelings growing up that I fought against very hard... I thought homosexuality was wrong. I fought it and struggled off and on with liking women. Then I came to MN for college and I continued to struggle and everyone in my friend group seemed to be coming out and leaving school (all of my friends even in church have mostly been gay) and it created more confusion for me. And the nagging of those friends "when are you going to come out, Amanda" and such didn't help my feelings.
So I guess the struggle became to much and I got tired of pretending... then trying to come out and accept myself is not something that is fully done. I still struggle with feeling like I am going to hell or that I can't come out because I have too much to lose. But it is where I find myself at this moment and I can't really transfer schools because this is my 5th year and I go to a Bible College, which means that most all of my credits would not transfer and I would have to start over again. Which means I spent all that time and money for nothing which is something I am not prepared to do...
I'm still working on accepting me...

[never_again4]

Originally Posted by Vanessa White

First of all: YOU ARE SAFE HERE. I am so glad that you discovered the ability to post; check in with posts as often as you need.

All is not lost; being here will definitely help you along in your journey. And, as an out lesbian, I am telling you: YOU DO NOT HAVE TO CHOOSE. Keltic is right: Zerbie can help you out in that department most definitely. Others do not have the right to define who we are or what brings our bliss. You can be bisexual and Christian, and feel really good about it as well. It will come; please hang in there and have faith. I send you peace, love and hugs, Vanessa

thanks Vanessa
I hope it will come... soon
I will do my best to hang on

[never_again4]

Originally Posted by daniel Ray

Hi Amanda Lee! Thanks for shareing. I believe you are safe on this site, please please try not to be afraid. It is understandable under your circumstances, i would also have those concerns.



I think i understand your position, it's simple in that people tend to choose a side to identify with concerning most issues in life. Just remember that the most important choice is your choice. Do be yourself, you will find that by doing that you will be happy and eventually i believe when those who love you realize your happiness they will be happy for you or at least stop giving you such a hard time.



There are many gay believers on here who will be able to offer you support. Things change with time Amanda Lee, eventually the hurting will subside. I know what it feels like and how difficult it is, just hang in, keep your focus on love and the savior Jesus Christ who encourages us to love ourselves; as we are.

"Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing." James 1: 3,4

You are precious in his sight.

Thanks Daniel
I hope the hurting will subside... it seems everything is crazy and such right now. But I am finding some people who are supporting me. Thanks for your post.

[never_again4]

Originally Posted by Daniel

Welcome.

You aren't the only one here who is Bi.

Zerbie- who- I am sure- will show up on this thread any minute now. She's the gal to yak to- she knows what you're going through- being Bi herself. And she's a mensch.

Glad you posted and jumped in the water. It's warm. And you are warmly welcomed to pull up a chair and put up your tired feet.

Peace and joy to you,

Daniel

thanks for the post Daniel

[never_again4]

Originally Posted by Zerbie

Oh my, with a fanfare like that what can I possibly add to the discussion that will live up to the introduction!?

Dear Amanda, I'm so glad you posted here. Feel free to PM me anytime if you feel like it.

As the others have said, I'm bisexual, and some of them may remember me posting that in my early 20s I felt so pressured to know whether I was straight or gay, that I labeled myself lesbian, came out waving flags, and was an out lesbian (I thought) for a few years. Then discovered to my incredible embarrassment that I had gotten it wrong. I can't tell you how much I wish I hadn't felt like it needed to be one or the other. The pressure in my case came mostly from inside - I was aware of biphobia in the straight AND gay community, and somehow I had gotten my brain locked into assuming that the only viable orientations were mutually exclusive. Now years later, I *still* have to make explanations to people who knew me when.

My advice to you is to toss off the objections that say you can't be bisexual and have to "choose," because those are statements based in complete ignorance. You know your feelings, they don't. If they don't accept your explanation, then they aren't really listening and I'd question how much of a friend they really are.

There are people out there of both genders who are NOT biphobic (sometimes we have to educate them, other times they already "get it"), so yes you WILL eventually be able to locate a date for Friday night. Sometimes we have to sift through some biphobic people on the way to finding one. All the BS from lesbians about never dating a bisexual woman 'cuz she'll leave you for a man is stupid as stupid can be. I was really crazy about this one lesbian girl for a while, and guess what? I was the bisexual, she was the "lesbian," and *she* left *me* for a man. Guess that punches some holes in their theory.

I relate to your trepidation about coming out right now, given your circumstances. So don't. Be safe. It is NOT worth losing housing over - believe me, I know. I've been through something similar; it was a nightmare.

Take your time and finish your degree first. Or, as Paul suggests, consider transferring to a more open institution to finish your degree. For now, be safe, know that your feelings are perfectly fine, and focus on taking care of yourself - spirit, mind, and also your classwork, etc.

I'm glad you're here. Please feel free to come back and post more, ask questions, whatever ya like.

thanks Zerbie...
I will msg you

[never_again4]

Originally Posted by Gennee

First of all, welcome to Soulforce. Praise God that you are bisexual. No one should make you choose to be someone that you not. I have been reaching out to the bisexual community and have met some wonderful people. I am a transgender individual who believes that we need to support each other. I just finished praying for you my sister and I will continue doing so. Be happy with who you are and be honored that you are a special person in God's sight.

Gennee

thanks Gennee...
I appreciate your prayers

[never_again4]

Originally Posted by tymejumper

Welcome Amanda You will meet a lot of nice people here, and many bisexual people also. Some of us are Christain and some of us arn't but we all are pretty nice. Zerbie is Bi and married to a man. I for a long time identified as Bi also. I now ID as lesbian, but I got SO much grief from the lesbian community about my Bi label. People would tell me that I was confused and that I had to choose one or the other. There really were no supports for the Bi community and it was very difficult to be gay, much less Bi.

A few women would say "I would not date a bisexual woman because you can't trust them to be faithful and they will leave you for a man" This was actually at a suport group for women that were in the process of coming out. I ended up going to therapy because I was in so much pain, and I determined that lesbian was closer an orientation for me. I have NEVER forgotten the discrimination I faced and I will NEVER feel that you have to be with men OR women and that Bi is just a confusion stage. I did not change my label to be more accepted in the lesbian community, and I still am a big proponent for acceptance of all shades of the gay spectrum.

Luckily, my wife was not upset by the Bi label. I remember her friends were very upset that I would cheat or treat her badly. I actually had to come out to her as a lesbian

So, whatever you identify as welcome to soulforce and you are around friends and family here.

Much Metta,
Rebekah

thanks for share Rebekah...
it sucks that many have that bad experience.
the LGBT community seems to go after their own because it is easier and more comfortable... it is sad