scared

[never_again4]

Originally Posted by tymejumper

I forgot that happened to you Zerbie. I think I kinda remember having a chat via posts about that. It's strange isnt it? I came roaring out of that closet waving the Bi flag, and found out that I had it wrong, and the exact same thing happened to you but opposite! I also still have to explain to other people that I now say I am lesbian and not Bi. People were and are even angry at me because I didn't identify as lesbian first! I was filled with guilt over it all because I felt that now I had added to that STUPID belief that ALL Bisexuals are just confused and that they are actually one or the other.

Some people still snob me because I was married to a man before I was married to Ellie. They say I am not a "real" lesbian because I had sex with a man so therefore I am and will always be Bi and saying I am a lesbian just is my way of taking from the lesbian community! I just can't win!

Its pretty darn sad that we even have to explain why and how we love who we love. I can only assume that it is because others are insecure about who THEY love and that is why it's a problem.

that is ridiculous! I can't believe people sometimes...

[never_again4]

Originally Posted by Zerbie

That *really* ticks me off. Like they know anything about you or your life! Who are they that they think they know? Do they shun ANY woman who came out a bit later in life? Gee, what a nice bunch. I suppose they would say any gay man who had married a woman in an attempt to turn straight is not and never was gay, either?? Or does that not matter because men are The Enemy?

I'd be glad the folks with attitudes like that leave me alone. They sound really mean!

Oh hang on - "taking" from the lesbian community??? Just what are you supposedly "taking????"

Well, I'm sorry those ladies cannot celebrate love. They are really missing out.

makes me mad too...
it is sad that this is a common experience.
some people are ignorant and mean

[never_again4]

Originally Posted by tdogg

Hi Amanda, and welcome to Soulforce!!!

Glad you found your way here. You'll find this is a great place, full of friends. So you are Bi? Awesome. That means the world is your oyster! (ok, maybe your cookie??)

I think you'll find lots of support here. The more the merrier! I'm a lesbian (been there, done that, vastly prefer women all around), and I admire all bisexual people. I feel bisexuals are more evolved. Minds more open. Spirits are freer.

Hang out any time you want some great conversation, a safe place to air your thoughts, or just a cyber hug!

Tdogg

thanks Tdogg...
I will try to come in here more often and chat and get to know some people
thanks for your welcome

[scott snedeker]

Amanda,

I think you will find that nothing that you do is a waste of time. In time you will look back and see that this moment, this very moment you are precisely where you are supposed to be. You are growing emotionally and spiritually. This is a necessary time and the activities you are doing now are essential ingredients for your next phase.

For a while I needed a spiritual teacher. I called him the keeper of my heart spirit. He taught me many things. Once I believed my inner spirit to be broken. He corrected me. It only felt broken because I was disconnected from it. I learned to connect with it by doing what was right for me. In time I understood that he was right. That I was not sick or broken, but complete and varied and in fact doing my best. I just did not see it at the time

"Scotty when you are doing what you are supposed to, the universe conspires to help you."

And boy! did the universe make this apparent in boundless abundance beyond my imagining once I came in tune with my inner spirit.

When you post here and get responses and feel good, that feeling is the awareness of your inner being. Who loves you dearly and cherishes you. I know that you are entitled to be chershed. I know that within you is a treasure of love waiting to be opened and activated!

And the bisexuality of you nature; May be you are polyamorous-- like me. In which case loving more than one person intimately is fidelity ---as it is for me

Polyamory is foreign to many, But familiar and natural to many also.

Be true to your nature and love and joy will be let in. I promise

[never_again4]

thank you for the support
it is nice to see so many people who are open to different things and who can welcome people regardless of what they call themselves.
I appreciate it.
I am going to try to be in here more often and get to know some people and build a community of support that I can go to...
thank you all

I guess I won't comment on everyone's post... doesn't seem like everyone does that. Haha, takes up a lot of room.

thanks

later
~Amanda Lee

[never_again4]

Originally Posted by scott snedeker

Amanda,

I think you will find that nothing that you do is a waste of time. In time you will look back and see that this moment, this very moment you are precisely where you are supposed to be. You are growing emotionally and spiritually. This is a necessary time and the activities you are doing now are essential ingredients for your next phase.

For a while I needed a spiritual teacher. I called him the keeper of my heart spirit. He taught me many things. Once I believed my inner spirit to be broken. He corrected me. It only felt broken because I was disconnected from it. I learned to connect with it by doing what was right for me. In time I understood that he was right. That I was not sick or broken, but complete and varied and in fact doing my best. I just did not see it at the time

"Scotty when you are doing what you are supposed to, the universe conspires to help you."

And boy! did the universe make this apparent in boundless abundance beyond my imagining once I came in tune with my inner spirit.

When you post here and get responses and feel good, that feeling is the awareness of your inner being. Who loves you dearly and cherishes you. I know that you are entitled to be chershed. I know that within you is a treasure of love waiting to be opened and activated!

And the bisexuality of you nature; May be you are polyamorous-- like me. In which case loving more than one person intimately is fidelity ---as it is for me

Polyamory is foreign to many, But familiar and natural to many also.

Be true to your nature and love and joy will be let in. I promise

Thanks Scotty.
that really jives with me... being in the now. When I am able to stay in the NOW everything seems to work out. The trick is being able to stay there...
I too often live in the past or project way into the future and then I get all messed up.
But I just need to remember it is life on life's terms...
To Thine Own Self Be True.
thanks for the reminder

[tymejumper]

Originally Posted by never_again4

makes me mad too...
it is sad that this is a common experience.
some people are ignorant and mean

You would think that our 'family' would be more accepting of us all. We have been labled for so long by the hetero community that it is unfair and silly that we lable ourselves. I know of some people that get upset if one gay man is to 'Queeny' or another lesbian is too 'dykey'. People just judge the heck out of you and they don't seem to care if it hurts you or not. That is why I am glad there are places such as this site, you get a chance to chat and get support, so you can find out that others have had the same experiences as you. It helps to know we are all in the same boat and how others solved their problems also.

[never_again4]

yeah, this happens a lot in oppressed communities... it is sad because you would think they would learn and not be oppressors themselves, but it often happens.
called "horizontal violence" where oppressed people tend to vent their frustrations and despair on their peers in an aggressive, often violent way because they feel unable to strike back at the oppressor and instead strike out against their own people where it seems more safe to do so.
very unfortunate
yeah, I am hoping to find a supportive community here...

[Daniel]

A few posts ago you mentioned about being in bible school and not willing to give that up just to be open about your sexuality.

That's something I understand, because I started to realize that I was major gay when I was at Evangel College and getting my Music Ed degree. Heck- I didn't have hardly one iota of 'experience' with anyone- was too scared to- but I stuck it out and got that degree. And it was important for me to do so, as it is for you. I think you are doing the right thing as far as that goes.

I know it's hard: it's like living in two worlds at the same time. Eventually they will mesh together, but not until you have that piece of paper in your hand that no-one can take back. Then you will have more latitude, less worry, and more self-determination.

Know what? My college just send me the latest newsletter, and I've always sent in news of myself over the years and it was rejected (I came out to my college at my 10 year reunion). However- it finally made it in- I think- because there is a new editor. So the world can- and is- changing. And what do I know? Maybe they really have changed their tune a tiny bit.

Like Scotty, I agree, nothing you do is a waste of time. Let us know when you graduate (this Spring?) and we'll have a virtual celebration.

And check out the Soulforce in 3D thread. There is a meeting of forum members here in NYC June 28th. Please consider yourself invited!

[never_again4]

Daniel.
wow, trying to come out at Evangel... I can imagine the Parent's Organization now. That would be tough. It is awesome you finally got in the newsletter though.
I'm at North Central.
haha, I wish I was graduating that soon... I am stuck here until May 2010. I have 3 majors (Deaf Culture Studies, Psychology, and Alcohol & Drug Counseling) and I have had to retake a lot of classes. I could drop 2 majors and graduate December 2008, but I really want to finish all of them because that is the area I want to be in... but I wish I were finished.
Thinking about it now I don't know if I can make it... maybe I should just do the Deaf major and get out of there. I don't know! Ahhhh! Anyway, I need to think about that.
hmmmm, NY... I will check that out. Maybe find other 3D meetings.
Thanks for the post
really appreciate it.
~AL

[Daniel]

Originally Posted by never_again4

Daniel.
wow, trying to come out at Evangel... I can imagine the Parent's Organization now. That would be tough. It is awesome you finally got in the newsletter though.
I'm at North Central.
haha, I wish I was graduating that soon... I am stuck here until May 2010. I have 3 majors (Deaf Culture Studies, Psychology, and Alcohol & Drug Counseling) and I have had to retake a lot of classes. I could drop 2 majors and graduate December 2008, but I really want to finish all of them because that is the area I want to be in... but I wish I were finished.
Thinking about it now I don't know if I can make it... maybe I should just do the Deaf major and get out of there. I don't know! Ahhhh! Anyway, I need to think about that.
hmmmm, NY... I will check that out. Maybe find other 3D meetings.
Thanks for the post
really appreciate it.
~AL

Amanda- I just made a post on another thread about hearing loss. I'm sure you've seen it aleady.

Know what I think? Go with your gut here. Practically speaking, what are all these majors going to get you in the end? I say- if you want to get out of there- and can do so- an keep your sanity- do so! Undergraduate work isn't the be all and end all. You can go and get a Master's in a related field of study.

Off the top of my head, it sounds like you are doing so much because you 1) either expect a great deal of yourself (or your family does) or 2) you are compensating in some way for whatever reason.

I have a buddy from Evangel who double majored in Bible Study's and Music Ed and now he just got his doctorate in zooology- studying penguins.

Hey! You may be one of those people that can handle three plates in the air for all I know. And if you can. Great. But please consider the emotional tool what you are attempting is having on you.

Why do I way all this? Because you used the word 'stuck'. No one wants to be stuck. Better to be involved whole-heartedly.

You know- I can see you doing your deaf major and psychology. That sounds like a good fit. The drug major? You could focus on that post-graduate if you pursued a counseling degree- ie Masters.

In the end: I say- do what makes you happy. Because if you aren't happy doing what you are doing, why the heck bother? No one is handing out points for accomplishing hard things for the sake of accomplishing them.

Where is the joy in that? And that's my big point here? Where does your joy and inspiration lie? To be inspired is to breath in the Spirit. And when one does that, one can exhale and give that inspiration to the world.

Re coming out at my 10 year reunion. I found out pretty quick who my friends were! And you know what's been really interesting. Half the guys in concert choir were gay- and we've finally gotten in touch with each other in the last 4- 5 years. That's been a hoot.

Did I know then that I was sitting next to other gay men? Heck no. I felt all alone in school. That's no way to live- or love for that matter.

Someday- and I believe this is going to happen: there are going to be gay couples walking hand in hand on Christian Campuses in the country. It may take another 20 years, but it is going to happen.

That's why we are here.

[Zerbie]

Originally Posted by never_again4

thank you
thank you all

I guess I won't comment on everyone's post... doesn't seem like everyone does that. Haha, takes up a lot of room.

thanks

later
~Amanda Lee

You can use the multi quote feature in order to quote several different people in a single post. Then you don't have to keep hitting 'reply.'

[BruceChris]

I just finished reading THIS thread, and now I realize that I should have read it first. It seems like you are fast making friends here.

Namaste', Bruce Chris

[never_again4]

Originally Posted by Zerbie

You can use the multi quote feature in order to quote several different people in a single post. Then you don't have to keep hitting 'reply.'

thanks that will help a lot

[paul]

Originally Posted by never_again4

thanks Paul
I will try to hang out in here as much as possible... I don't have the internet, but I will try my best

I had feelings growing up that I fought against very hard... I thought homosexuality was wrong. I fought it and struggled off and on with liking women. Then I came to MN for college and I continued to struggle and everyone in my friend group seemed to be coming out and leaving school (all of my friends even in church have mostly been gay) and it created more confusion for me. And the nagging of those friends "when are you going to come out, Amanda" and such didn't help my feelings.
So I guess the struggle became to much and I got tired of pretending... then trying to come out and accept myself is not something that is fully done. I still struggle with feeling like I am going to hell or that I can't come out because I have too much to lose. But it is where I find myself at this moment and I can't really transfer schools because this is my 5th year and I go to a Bible College, which means that most all of my credits would not transfer and I would have to start over again. Which means I spent all that time and money for nothing which is something I am not prepared to do...
I'm still working on accepting me...

Dear Amanda,

I understand. I know it is hard work accepting yourself given your background because who you are contradicts who you have been taught you are supposed to be. I went to a Baptist bible college and was raised in that type of environment.

Something that helped me was going directly to "God" and skipping the middleman. I found that once I did that, who "God" is became much less definate, i.e., most of the dogma comes from people presuming to speak for "God." My own experience is that "God" is pretty silent about most of my questions, so it would be presumptuous of me to just follow because someone says "God said so." You might start at where you are, try lining up "God is love" with eternal damnation in hell. Forget what people say, and go straight to the source. If the bible informs your approach to life, there is precedent for going to God and bypassing people (that includes the people who wrote the bible even). I asked God to show me in a way that I could understand that it was God re BGLT, and got nothing (for 35 years). I figured (slow learner ) that BGLT must not be as big a deal to "God" as I was making it. Meanwhile, I added to my list of "I have to much to lose." That list grows while you are undecided.

paul

[hippie4lyfe]

Welcome never, please don't be scared everything will turn out alright. Bisexuality is as much a sexual orientation as being gay or straight. You don't have to compromise the way God made you. I would suggest not being out till after college to avoid the possibility of being kicked out. These forums though are a great way for you to reach out for support and learn more.

[pnggrad79]

Hi and welcome. I was married to a man for 19 years and questioned whether I was bi or lesbian for about 12 of those years. I fell in love with a woman who is now my wife and couldn't be happier. I am with tymejumper, I much prefer women to men, so I guess that makes me a lesbian. I have done both, but prefer women. I have only had one, so I guess I am confused.

[antiochian]

Hey girl! Bible college isn't the most accepting place on earth (well, they accept you if you believe 97.75% of what they believe!), but there are Christians out there who will accept you if you look.

I am a gay part time Christian/part time "Don't-Know-What-I-Believeist." Just to clarify that, I'm gay full time. I know how hard it is, though my experience is not exactly like yours or anyone else's. The Church for the most part is against us, it seems as though the Bible is (though you'll find resources here that prove otherwise), and people can be nasty and judgmental.

So, welcome, hope you find some relief here!

[never_again4]

Hi y'all,

Well, I did come out...

Got kicked out... of North Central University and Assemblies of God Bible College in Minneapolis, MN.

That turned my life upside down and was very difficult, but I could not with integrity lie and back down.

So after six years there I am starting over again at a new school and will graduate in about two years.

And

I am a 2010 Equality Rider!

Anyway, thanks for everything.

Peace & Strength,
Amanda Lee

[Pablo Rafael]

Congratulations Amanda! Being true to oneself is very freeing, is it not?

I lost my job when I "came out". Now, a year and a half later I can say it was one of the best decisions I have ever made. I hope that you feel the same way.

And being an Equality Rider will certainly be an experience. I pray God's blessings on your venture as an Equality Rider and all journeys in life.

Tu Amigo, Pablo