Low self-esteem can lead to HIV infection

[Rick336]

Here's an article about the correlation between low self-esteem and risky sex. It's important because it focuses on why some men will endanger their health for risky sexual encounters.

Attractiveness, income, personal achievements, relationships, sexuality, or religion have nothing to do with self-worth.

Self-acceptance, self-responsibility, self-assertiveness, personal integrity, and setting goals are the keys to a healthy self-esteem according to Psychologist Nathaniel Branden. "[E]ncouraging the notion that the source of self-esteem is external [is] the very belief that causes no end of suffering to people who look for the source everywhere but within."

It's a tragedy that anybody will risk their health for the self-approval they believe they need in order to feel good about themselves.

Here's the article -->http://www.365gay.com/news/study-low...-to-risky-sex/


Rick

[scott snedeker]

Originally Posted by Rick336

Here's an article about the correlation between low self-esteem and risky sex. It's important because it focuses on why some men will endanger their health for risky sexual encounters.

Attractiveness, income, personal achievements, relationships, sexuality, or religion have nothing to do with self-worth.

Self-acceptance, self-responsibility, self-assertiveness, personal integrity, and setting goals are the keys to a healthy self-esteem according to Psychologist Nathaniel Branden. "[E]ncouraging the notion that the source of self-esteem is external [is] the very belief that causes no end of suffering to people who look for the source everywhere but within."

It's a tragedy that anybody will risk their health for the self-approval they believe they need in order to feel good about themselves.

Here's the article -->http://www.365gay.com/news/study-low...-to-risky-sex/


Rick

Guilty on all accounts, Rick. The only reason I am not HIV + is Dumb Luck. During the lowest part of my emotional struggle with self esteem I allowed myself to be barebacked by dozens of strangers who said they were negative (when I asked).

I honestly didn't give a crap. All I wanted was to be wanted and to be intimate. .... and the last thing I wanted was for someone to give me hell for it.

Self esteem is only one facet of the total psychological injury of homophobia on gay adolescents and adults that leads to prioritizing safety below other concerns. A mind dominated by suffering will act emotionally, not rationally.

In order to not suffer one must be a sanctuary within one's own mind, not self critical or self loathing. To do this a healthy ,sinless paradigm of thought hygiene is necessary which, to me, means rejecting all "Christian" teaching and following the teachings like those of Christ or Buddha.

Changing a self-injuring habit of thinking takes years or decades to turn around.

[Jennifer5]

I think that I know someone this happened to. His actions had to be because of low self-esteem. After all, he's a smart man... he knew what he was doing.

Being unprotected with someone who is known to be HIV + can't end well.

I am very concerned about anyone who would do such a thing and risk their lives like that. For the most part, I think that those who put themselves at risk don't understand how much suffering HIV+ people go through.


Scott, please be careful! Find someone to talk to when you feel that way, or at least someone who you know is not HIV+.

[scott snedeker]

Originally Posted by Jennifer5

I am very concerned about anyone who would do such a thing and risk their lives like that. For the most part, I think that those who put themselves at risk don't understand how much suffering HIV+ people go through.

Very astute and that is definitely part of the problem. The other part is that they do understand very well every moment of their lives the suffering they feel because of their psychological injury.

You could compare it to someone feeling the agony of being burned and jumping into water for relief, knowing there are sharks in the water that may or may not bite.

[Jennifer5]

Originally Posted by scott snedeker

Very astute and that is definitely part of the problem. The other part is that they do understand very well every moment of their lives the suffering they feel because of their psychological injury.

You could compare it to someone feeling the agony of being burned and jumping into water for relief, knowing there are sharks in the water that may or may not bite.

That's the thing, it really is the same situation. Someone jumping into shark infested waters and someone exposing themselves to HIV. The person is willing to risk their lives for the immediate relief. What they don't think about at the time though, is that it will not actually help them all that much. In the moment they will feel that relief from the burns, but when they get out of the water having been bitten they will discover that the burns still hurts and they have to live with only one arm.

The pain that people feel from being depressed and ostrosised by their families will not go away. Well, maybe it will... but only for a short time. In the long run, ending up HIV+ will only make it worse. The person will still be depressed, except it will be far more extreme. HIV+ comes with depression.

[sauu4equality]

What if you have the opposite problem. Like someone who is so afraid of intimacy because of the threat of HIV. And is extremely unhappy because they haven't gotten any of this intimacy. Would anyone have any advice for this person??? Specifically, I am just terrified about the fact that men who have sex with men are once again the top demographic of people getting new cases of HIV. Am I wrong to avoid sexual situations even with the men I know? What are some methods I could use to get what I want with or without a relationship or some methods where I could get men that are safe as prospects for a relationship? Does that .01 percent of the time that condoms don't work not scare anyone else? Isn't HIV smaller than sperm so it is more likely to come through the condom? I'm sorry to be graphic, but I've been holding these questions in for several days. I gave up an oppurtunity with maybe the most beautiful man I've ever seen a couple of weeks ago because I was so scared of even safe sex with him. What can I do to promote the safe activities with men that are so used to other men doing whatever they want? How can I find somebody when I'm not willing to put out what everyone else seems so ready to put out?

And my last question is for Scotty...I've been interested in poly for a while. How do you get into relationships like yours when you live in a place where it just isn't all that common? And how do you make sure that it is safe? Is there a limit to the number of people you would trust within a poly relationship? Are there things you will only do with one other person in the group? Are these rules different for every poly group?

I mean...if I find a few guys/girls that are interested in this sort of thing and are willing to commit to like 3 or 4 other people...I'm just wondering where to sign....but I have trust issues with 1 person...is there any hope I can get past this? Any suggestions??? I'm a buddhist too so if there are some meditation practices that may have helped you along the way that would be cool too...

Ok, done...thanks for any help you can give me. Please, understand I'm being serious....I don't think I can live much longer being celibate, but I'm afraid I may go to the other extreme if I don't find a rational way to break this celibacy. And for those that are concerned that I am saying I cannot be celibate, I'm talking about refraining from any intimate contact...we'll keep that vaguely defined for now.

K

[scott snedeker]

Fear is the worst reason to make a decision. To be celibate because of Fear of HIV is the wrong way to go. It is Death in Life. I know, i have lived both. This in a way is worse than becoming HIV+ So In being Celibate there is a prohibitive Risk of a Miserable Lonely Passionless Hell

So first deal with your fear of HIV. Get to really know folks who are HIV+. You will find that they are no different than you. Two Of my Lovers are HIV+ and doing well. They are very dear to me.

I use my feelings as a guide for level of risk of intimate activity.

Kissing, I consider negligible risk. If I Become Hiv + from Kissing then to hell with worrying about it! It's just my fate Get over it!

Oral Sex, More risk. Some would say never unprotected. There is probably some instance of transmission. I don't think it's high. For me it's a risk I can live with. I also drive on highways and body surf which also carry risks. I'm not staying away from the ocean for fear of sharks or Portguese Man o' war either

Anal sex with Condoms as a Top: Some risk. I think rate of transmission is low. Most don't consider prohibitive

Anal sex with condom as a Bottom. More risk. Again most don't consider prohibtive.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
And now the underground, The decisions that speaking of is taboo, yet happen every day

Anal sex without condom as a top: More risk yet. Probably Not as high as being a bottom, A large number, if not the majority consider this to be prohibitively risky. some estimate rate of transmission 10% if practiced regularly

Anal Sex without a condom as a bottom. Most risky of all. This is probably the mode of infection for 95+% in Men. Nearly every guy claims he never does it. Nearly all have actually done it.

Anal sex without a condom with someone who is HIV+ but viral load undetectable: Theoretically less risky than with someone untreated brimming with virus, but not very reliable margin of safety. You are playing with fire. If you participate don't be surprised if your next screening comes up poz

Sero selection: POZ boys Barebacking with POZ boys. Again if your viral load is undetectable, THeortically are you protected? Maybe, There is preliminary data suggesting you might be, but then again you may theoretically get a strain that is resistant to your antiviral Cocktail and upset the delicate balance that took a year or two to achieve.....

So where do I draw the line? Like I said in the first response. I have in the past, crossed all the lines. The difference now is that I care more about myself and don't balance fear with fatalism like I used to. So I am more selective and less careless

There is also the age factor. At 20 becoming HIV+ probably shortens life. At 70...One might say what the hell! How long do I have anyway? At 44, well it's a little of both, frankly. I personally don't want to live past 80 so risk to me is not entirely a huge loss of quality living...again theoretically.

But none of these addresses Accountability for possibly infecting others. Weighing that risk against Desire for intimacy by you and the other fella who is just like you, in this imperfect world is very often ignored by both. If you care about someone and share more than rutting sex, I think it is more likely you will look out for your buddy. However I have seen both parties mutually act otherwise with regularity. I believe that if you cultivate compassion for yourself, you will reduce potential for harm.

[Jennifer5]

In my opinion, the point is that you should have high enough self-esteem to not act in a self-destructing way. You should care enough about your life and your health, to be cautious.

You can live a long time in this generation being HIV+, but you can enjoy your life a lot more if you're not. For the most part, I think you end up being HIV+ by being careless.

Sauu, you should be cautious about how you handle yourself. However, it should not keep you from being intimate altogether. I'm guessing that you are dating, not in a relationship (correct me if that is not true)? I guess if I were in your place I definately ask people first and then still be safe, but don't let the fear control your life beyond that. You can only do so much. If you're going into a relationship with someone, I think it is fair that you ask them to get tested.



Note: Take my words for what they're worth, I only know what I've learned through research, etc... I cannot speak from experience.

[scott snedeker]

Originally Posted by sauu4equality

And my last question is for Scotty...I've been interested in poly for a while. How do you get into relationships like yours when you live in a place where it just isn't all that common? And how do you make sure that it is safe? Is there a limit to the number of people you would trust within a poly relationship? Are there things you will only do with one other person in the group? Are these rules different for every poly group?

I mean...if I find a few guys/girls that are interested in this sort of thing and are willing to commit to like 3 or 4 other people...I'm just wondering where to sign....but I have trust issues with 1 person...is there any hope I can get past this? Any suggestions??? I'm a buddhist too so if there are some meditation practices that may have helped you along the way that would be cool too...





K

Sometimes you might find a couple that plays together. Where do you find? Bear411, M4M, Gay.com to start. If you chatt and want to meet or hook up meet at a neutral place. A cafe or bar. Get a sense of what knid of fellas you are dealing with.

If they start talking about fisting and barebacking off the bat that is probably too intense for a fella who is celibate. Even though you may fantasize about rough rutting you can get in over your head. It happened to me once and I had to endure some pretty rough handling before I was let go. Was still pretty hot though. But i could have been injured or worse

Any way when you find a nice couple and you feel ok about them and get back to the bedroom. just be open. Go slowly. Get comfortable with being naked together. Touch one another gently and don't rush. Cuddle and kiss. Most fellas sensing a Naiive guy will take on the role of teacher and very gently introduce intimacy. They will likely focus on you. Lap it up! allow them to direct you and lead you. If you feel like trying something go for it but don't perform or fake to please.

The next thing you might notice is that you all three are laughing, dreamy-eyed and snuggling and climaxing the night away. In the morning you wake and want to move in! Whoa! fella! one thing at a time!

When you get home and people can tell that you have been ..Ahem! enjoying yourself. This is commonly the point when you feel Guilt, Panic shame etc. The endorphins have ebbed and your old bad habit of self criticisms and fears come to stark clutching angst.

" Ah Scotty told me this might happen"

This is due to the contrast of your trap of learned self judgement being made starkly aparent against the free loving gay heart that beats inside.

So start writing down "I am entitled to joy. I am safe. All of life affirms me and my right to love." and gradually replace:

" I shouldn't have done it"

with:

"I deserve bliss and cuddles and sex with other puppies like me"

Call them again and rent a movie on TV and just cuddle together as you watch. Neck rubs and hugs help smooth down the spikey fear and panic. Like practicing anything practice allowing your soft fuzzy sexy side to show.

And the love circle...just happens like a miracle. people are attrcted to love puppies and want to pile in too!

[sauu4equality]

Wow....this thread may need to be in the foyer now...remember I'm celibate (according to wikipedia I'm just abstinent)...I'm sweating...

Any chance all the cuddling stuff can be how things start? I mean do we have to jump into the whole being comfortable naked together? "Puppy"...why is that so hot?!?! ...that whole open couple thing sounds nice...I could really use more love in my life.

Thanks for all the insight Scotty!

K

[Alecto]

More often than not, (for me) yeah it starts with cuddling. And if you picked the "right" kinda guys, it doesn't have to go past that if you're not ready and comfortable.

Back to the main article, I'm curious if they isolated JUST self-esteem and its direct effect on risk behavior, or if the numbers are further compounded by people with low sefl-esteem also being more likely to abuse substances. Like...there's all these different factors that ALL correlate to one another and all further contribute to each other, so that low self-esteem leads to substance abuse (which leads back to lower self-esteem) which leads to lower inhibitions/higher risk behavior which might lead to OTHER STDs which can then increase likelihood of hiv transmission later on (and also further lower self-esteem)...

[scott snedeker]

Originally Posted by sauu4equality

Any chance all the cuddling stuff can be how things start? I mean do we have to jump into the whole being comfortable naked together? "Puppy"...why is that so hot?!?! ...that whole open couple thing sounds nice...I could really use more love in my life.

Thanks for all the insight Scotty!

K

Puppies is a term that describes part of our loving true nature. Innocent and loving without all the negative attachments placed on us by homophobia. It's hot because it connects your to your nature which is loving sexy warm and fun-loving and caring. In our true hearts we are loving, sexual, sharing, caring, nuturing beings.

Puppies also wanna play and the first date just seems to naturally lead to sexual intimacy. It's just the way puppies like us are

On tribe.net there are tribes such as "cuddle-buddies" and "puppy pile" where friendly fellas meet for cuddle parties. Fellas who just want warmth and love in a loving group which may or may not lead necessarily to sex.

So you think you might be a Puppy? Might try getting cuddled and petted to find out!