Hi My Name is Kevin!

[KevinS]

Hi All:

I am Kevin. I was married for 17 years and have 3 kids. I left my marriage last May to finally be authentic. I come from an evangelical Christian background and was even a pastor for 3 years.

My kids are 14, 10 and 7 and are very understanding and supportive. My ex-wife, although not really supportive is not antagonist and is as determined as me to parent our children the best way we can together.

However, I get a lot of hate mail and phone calls from former friends and family in the church. My mother said she will never accept that I am homosexual and will not answer phone calls or emails. It is a very difficult time, so I am on here hoping to connect with others having the same experience.

I have found a very good church that is affirming and am developing new friends there. I have found a partner, and he is very supportive, although he comes from a much different background and finds it hard to comprehend the evangelical view point.

Kevin.

[Matt Algren]

Welcome Kevin! We have a few divorced dads round these parts.

Hopefully after a year or so has passed the former friends will leave you alone. That must be difficult.

[keltic63]

Hi Kevin,

I'm one of those divorced dads

I'm glad it's going well between you and your ex wife. that's more than I have going for me. sorry to hear about those "friends" who you will discover aren't really friends, or they were your friends as long as you pretended to be something else. I also find that it really bothers people when someone chooses to live authentically, esp. in evangelical churches. they want to maintain the appearance of their perfect lives, and something like this reminds them, painfully, that life is messy. rather thank acknowledge that, they'd rather hurt you for being the reminder that life is not as perfect as they wish to pretend.

[andrewlittle]

Divorced for a different reason, but divorced with kids.

Being divorced with kids is, in itself, quite a journey and comes with difficulties. A good relationship with your wife is something I didn't have. That said, the added complications for you - both good from being able to live and love authentically, and bad from your friends, must be something of a roller-coaster ride.

I will say this, though, many divorced people - gay and straight - have the issue with friends turning their backs on them. I know that personally since I've been divorced just too many times. I'll keep you in my prayers.

Andy

[Gennee]

Welcome to the site, Kevin.

Gennee

[KevinS]

Thanks to all of you for your warm welcome.

I'm curious also if there's anyone who has done their custody arrangement as we have. My ex-wife is a nurse, and she works night shifts - about half the time. So, I have moved out, but we share custody 50/50 mainly from the house we bought years ago. Of course the kids are welcome at my place too, but they stay in their own home. The kids never have to move around, it's just either me or her there. I've set up a suite in the basement, so we don't even have to share the same bedroom. Because there's no real animousity, sometimes we eat together, and spend birthdays or Christmas together. We've been doing this since May now.

Has anyone tried this and how has it worked for you?

[christa08]

Originally Posted by KevinS

Thanks to all of you for your warm welcome.

I'm curious also if there's anyone who has done their custody arrangement as we have. My ex-wife is a nurse, and she works night shifts - about half the time. So, I have moved out, but we share custody 50/50 mainly from the house we bought years ago. Of course the kids are welcome at my place too, but they stay in their own home. The kids never have to move around, it's just either me or her there. I've set up a suite in the basement, so we don't even have to share the same bedroom. Because there's no real animousity, sometimes we eat together, and spend birthdays or Christmas together. We've been doing this since May now.

Has anyone tried this and how has it worked for you?

This sounds so nice. My parents divorced when I was a little girl and they had shared custody and they lived in two different towns! I hated the car rides back and forth. What you've done to keep your children's lives normal is selfless and wonderful. So on their behalf, thank you.

[KevinS]

Christa:

Thanks so much for the encouragement. It is hard at times, and I don't like living in two places, but then I think it would just as hard, or more so for my kids.

[antiochian]

While I cannot relate to all of your situation (never married, no kids) I understand the pain of being judged by others and by the church. Wishing you healing and a warm welcome!

[jillvee]

Hi Kevin, and welcome (I actually showed up after you did, but oh well).
I am the daughter of a gay man who only came out when I was about 24. I wish that my father had come out at a younger age, because I feel like some of the foundation of my upbringing is marred because of the lies that my family lived under while I grew up. Your kids are lucky to have truth in their lives at their age, and I commend you for being strong and as you say, authentic. I hope that being a part of these forums provides you with what you look for. I pray for the people who are spreading such hate, and I pray that the love stays in you. Be well, my brother!

[KevinS]

Wow, thanks Jill! My biggest dillemma was whether to wait until my kid were grown up, or be authentic now. I was going so crazy that I became suicidal, and I ended up deciding that it would be far better for my kids to have a dad who is alive and authentic. I read the book "Families Like Mine" about the children of gay parents which reflected some of what you've said Jill...that children whose parents come out early have a much easier time accepting it and not questioning the authenticity of their growing up years. You have really encouraged me!

I am surprized by the reactions of my kids. I have always had close relationships with them, and after their initial shock (I mean, HOW could this be? they think), they have been really happy for me.

A funny story about my oldest daughter who is 14...when I had my long talk with her, I shared quite openly how I felt when I was young I had to get married and I had no choice. But I emphasized to her that I do not feel my choices were a "mistake" because they brought her into my life and I cannot imagine my life without her. Then at the end of the conversation, I told her the most important lesson for her to take from my story was to accept herself for who she is no matter what anyone else says, I wish I had done the same at her age.

Then, she got a funny grin on her face and said, "Well, I'm really glad you didn't, otherwise, I wouldn't be here!" We both laughed so hard.

My 7 year old son doesn't even comprehend that there's anything wrong with it. He talks about being gay the way he would talk about having blonde hair or red hair. My 10 year old daughter said she thinks it's "cool" to have a dad that's different from her other friends' dads - what an understatement!

[sjbouza]

Kids can be so wonderful sometimes. Their capacity for understanding far exceeds most adults. I think that is due to the fact that they don't have all of the pre-conceived notions that adults do. Their minds are still open.

All that said, I would equate their understanding to how you have brought them up. They ultimately feel this way because at some point in their lives they have been taught to understand and not judge others by the standards everyone else in the world has. This is a tribute to you as well as your ex-wife. You have taught them, knowingly or not, that it is better to learn than to judge. It is better to understand than to close the mind.

Not all families in your situation have that luxury. That is a sad fact. I would tell you to rejoice in the fact that your children can accept and understand the situation in their own capacities at this time. You have a wonderful opportunity to grow, not only in yourself, but in your children as well.

Welcome to Soulforce Kevin.

Peace,
Scott

[Rick336]

Kevin,

It's great that you've come out and are now living the person you are. I'm sorry to hear that your mother is having a difficult time accepting your life now. I bet, however, that time will solve that problem.

Welcome to the forum. I'm looking forward to hearing more from you.

Rick

[Montanna]

Hi Kevin, Welcome to the Forums and Soulforce. Glad you took that step of coming out and made your commitment to your children. All those church going people who are having a hard time have been offered an opportunity from God to work on the log in their eye. You have done your part to educate them. Leave them to God. Blessings. Montanna

[tymejumper]

Originally Posted by KevinS

Thanks to all of you for your warm welcome.

I'm curious also if there's anyone who has done their custody arrangement as we have. My ex-wife is a nurse, and she works night shifts - about half the time. So, I have moved out, but we share custody 50/50 mainly from the house we bought years ago. Of course the kids are welcome at my place too, but they stay in their own home. The kids never have to move around, it's just either me or her there. I've set up a suite in the basement, so we don't even have to share the same bedroom. Because there's no real animousity, sometimes we eat together, and spend birthdays or Christmas together. We've been doing this since May now.

Has anyone tried this and how has it worked for you?

Hello, I also was married for 17 years and have 3 children. My ex is TG, but even though he at first was supportive, he turned and ended up doing many nasty things. I have heard of arraingments like yours. It's great that you can do that! I wished for it and attempted to work out an open custody arraingement, Sunday breakfasts together, hollidays etc. However, he became really nasty and it began really antagonisitc, it traumatized the kids and they were so afraid of him coming over I stopped trying to work things out.

If you can work it out, your children will benefit from it. That is what you are working for anyhow, keeping it pretty normal for them.

[Jennifer5]

Originally Posted by KevinS

Hi All:

I am Kevin. I was married for 17 years and have 3 kids. I left my marriage last May to finally be authentic. I come from an evangelical Christian background and was even a pastor for 3 years.

My kids are 14, 10 and 7 and are very understanding and supportive. My ex-wife, although not really supportive is not antagonist and is as determined as me to parent our children the best way we can together.

However, I get a lot of hate mail and phone calls from former friends and family in the church. My mother said she will never accept that I am homosexual and will not answer phone calls or emails. It is a very difficult time, so I am on here hoping to connect with others having the same experience.

I have found a very good church that is affirming and am developing new friends there. I have found a partner, and he is very supportive, although he comes from a much different background and finds it hard to comprehend the evangelical view point.

Kevin.

I'm sorry that your "friends" and your mom are making this so hard for you. I am glad to hear that you have you ex-wife and kids on your side though!

Originally Posted by KevinS

Thanks to all of you for your warm welcome.

I'm curious also if there's anyone who has done their custody arrangement as we have. My ex-wife is a nurse, and she works night shifts - about half the time. So, I have moved out, but we share custody 50/50 mainly from the house we bought years ago. Of course the kids are welcome at my place too, but they stay in their own home. The kids never have to move around, it's just either me or her there. I've set up a suite in the basement, so we don't even have to share the same bedroom. Because there's no real animousity, sometimes we eat together, and spend birthdays or Christmas together. We've been doing this since May now.

Has anyone tried this and how has it worked for you?

I have heard of people doing this. I don't know how it worked out, but I think it's a fantastic idea and the ideal if it can work!

Remember to thank you ex someday, the 14 yo is a question mark, but she definitely has a huge influence on how the 10 yo and the 7 yo have reacted. She could have poisoned the well, but it sounds like she has been very supportive!

Pat yourself on the back for the way you have dealt with everything, you're kids are very lucky to have a dad like you!

Welcome.