How do you face being gay when you once felt it was wrong?

[Linda2008]

It may sound peculiar, but there it is.

My mother is bisexual. She became involved with a woman for several years. My grandparents, horrified by the situation, took legal action against my mother and were able to take custody of my siblings and me from her.

Even as a child I can remember my grandmother lecturing us about how my mother "was a good person and still loved us but was very confused." I was a pretty analytical child and I could not help but notice when I was allowed to visit my mom that she sure didn't SEEM confused. She worked, paid her bills on time, loved us and took care of us and she suffered because she missed us and we could not be together as a normal family...and had a girlfriend.

I also have a close male friend since my middle school and high school years who's gay. He's a great guy, smart as a whip, our class valedictorian, helped me with my math studying, we liked a lot of the same music...and he was interested in his own gender for romantic involvement.

I really never formulated an opinion about gay being "wrong". It seems many people wish to believe it's wrong--whether morally, spiritually, etc.--but I just don't see it. What I HAVE seen, though, is that the people who DO believe it's wrong...will try and hurt or punnish the "offenders". That seems pretty unbalanced to me. Should people lose their parental rights, their jobs, their status as good citizens, and even have their mental health questionned due to their romantic preferences? That sounds pretty wrong to me.

[Adam42]

I think this question is more about personal experience than what the Bible says and how we interpret it, or even what we think is true about sexuality or sexual orientation.

I think it can be hard to change our mind about something that we believed for whatever reason for a significant part of our personal history. We get over things like Santa Claus not being real, I guess. But how do we really get over those things? How do we live lives that aren't wholly dedicated to reacting to negative viewpoints of queer lifestyles, the ones that we have internalized and here from time to time from others? What do we really need in our communities to nurture the life decisions we have made?

I guess for me it has been important to learn about many different peoples' experiences with their sexuality, and see how I am the same and different from other queer people out there. It has also been important to reach out and help people who are going through similar things that I have been through. As in Alcoholics Anonymous, where a key function in staying out of addiction is helping others who are still struggling with addiction, I have found that helping other people has been key to keep myself out of thoughts of doubt or negative self-image that have troubled me in the past. Something about teaching something is really good for truly learning it and internalizing it yourself. It is also personally important, I think, to truly forgive the people who made it difficult to deal with your sexuality, and look for those teachable moments. That kind of work takes real community support, good close friends, and I think we all have a lot to learn from each other about ways in which those conversations can be had.

Does that make sense? Does that get at an answer to this question?

[tdogg]

I was raised in a conservative A of G (pentecostal) home/church. I was also told being gay was a person's ticket to hell. I was told a lot of bad stuff about gay people. Still am by many.

I never felt that I was a 'good' Christian, because I didn't believe much of what I was taught. I kind of went along with it, because that's what one did if a child and if an accommodating adult (which I was). I read the Bible, often and many times over. Much of what I read (most?) was contradictory (with itself), and some stuff didn't make sense.

I always had attractions to other females. But my way of dealing with it was to understand it was never an option for me. There was a point where I was desperate (a few points actually) to find a christian man and get married so in essence I would be a 'captive good Christian' with no other choices. But all through this time, I never believed in my heart that 'gay' was wrong. My mother was bisexual and was married to my stepfather and had relationships with other women. So while I was exposed to conservative religious teachings, also was exposed to real life in the gay world.

Eventually, after 45 years of life I accepted myself, decided to love myself just as I am, and came out. I didn't struggle with being a sinner because I was gay, but I did struggle with relatives and friends who condemned me and repeatedly attempted to strip me of my spiritual faith. I had to let some of them go, others have not gone but we don't talk about 'gay'.

It's been quite a journey, I'm still on it. But I love myself, love my life and wouldn't change a thing. I am married to a wonderful woman and we have a great life together. And now I know I'm ok, because I also have my faith beliefs and nothing has given me any inclination that I don't deserve that as well.

[Jennifer5]

Originally Posted by Linda2008

It may sound peculiar, but there it is.

My mother is bisexual. She became involved with a woman for several years. My grandparents, horrified by the situation, took legal action against my mother and were able to take custody of my siblings and me from her.

Even as a child I can remember my grandmother lecturing us about how my mother "was a good person and still loved us but was very confused." I was a pretty analytical child and I could not help but notice when I was allowed to visit my mom that she sure didn't SEEM confused. She worked, paid her bills on time, loved us and took care of us and she suffered because she missed us and we could not be together as a normal family...and had a girlfriend.

I also have a close male friend since my middle school and high school years who's gay. He's a great guy, smart as a whip, our class valedictorian, helped me with my math studying, we liked a lot of the same music...and he was interested in his own gender for romantic involvement.

I really never formulated an opinion about gay being "wrong". It seems many people wish to believe it's wrong--whether morally, spiritually, etc.--but I just don't see it. What I HAVE seen, though, is that the people who DO believe it's wrong...will try and hurt or punnish the "offenders". That seems pretty unbalanced to me. Should people lose their parental rights, their jobs, their status as good citizens, and even have their mental health questionned due to their romantic preferences? That sounds pretty wrong to me.

I can relate to this on some level. I never understood why people would think that homosexuality is wrong. When I was about 10, I heard the issue come up for the first time and I was shocked! For the first half of my life, I never knew that someone would have a problem with same-sex attraction.

Originally Posted by Adam42

I think this question is more about personal experience than what the Bible says and how we interpret it, or even what we think is true about sexuality or sexual orientation.

I think it can be hard to change our mind about something that we believed for whatever reason for a significant part of our personal history. We get over things like Santa Claus not being real, I guess. But how do we really get over those things? How do we live lives that aren't wholly dedicated to reacting to negative viewpoints of queer lifestyles, the ones that we have internalized and here from time to time from others? What do we really need in our communities to nurture the life decisions we have made?

I guess for me it has been important to learn about many different peoples' experiences with their sexuality, and see how I am the same and different from other queer people out there. It has also been important to reach out and help people who are going through similar things that I have been through. As in Alcoholics Anonymous, where a key function in staying out of addiction is helping others who are still struggling with addiction, I have found that helping other people has been key to keep myself out of thoughts of doubt or negative self-image that have troubled me in the past. Something about teaching something is really good for truly learning it and internalizing it yourself. It is also personally important, I think, to truly forgive the people who made it difficult to deal with your sexuality, and look for those teachable moments. That kind of work takes real community support, good close friends, and I think we all have a lot to learn from each other about ways in which those conversations can be had.

Does that make sense? Does that get at an answer to this question?

That definitely makes sense!

Originally Posted by tdogg

I was raised in a conservative A of G (pentecostal) home/church. I was also told being gay was a person's ticket to hell. I was told a lot of bad stuff about gay people. Still am by many.

I never felt that I was a 'good' Christian, because I didn't believe much of what I was taught. I kind of went along with it, because that's what one did if a child and if an accommodating adult (which I was). I read the Bible, often and many times over. Much of what I read (most?) was contradictory (with itself), and some stuff didn't make sense.

I always had attractions to other females. But my way of dealing with it was to understand it was never an option for me. There was a point where I was desperate (a few points actually) to find a christian man and get married so in essence I would be a 'captive good Christian' with no other choices. But all through this time, I never believed in my heart that 'gay' was wrong. My mother was bisexual and was married to my stepfather and had relationships with other women. So while I was exposed to conservative religious teachings, also was exposed to real life in the gay world.

Eventually, after 45 years of life I accepted myself, decided to love myself just as I am, and came out. I didn't struggle with being a sinner because I was gay, but I did struggle with relatives and friends who condemned me and repeatedly attempted to strip me of my spiritual faith. I had to let some of them go, others have not gone but we don't talk about 'gay'.

It's been quite a journey, I'm still on it. But I love myself, love my life and wouldn't change a thing. I am married to a wonderful woman and we have a great life together. And now I know I'm ok, because I also have my faith beliefs and nothing has given me any inclination that I don't deserve that as well.

Thank you for sharing your story Tdogg.

[Wanderer]

You see, I grew up Catholic, and in a high school apologetics course, I was taught that, at the end of the day, there really is only one issue for any religion: is it true? If it is, then it deserves to be believed and obeyed regardless of personal consequences to myself. If not, then at best it is a repository of a lot of ideas, some of which--if we're lucky--are good ideas. In any event, a false religion cannot *command* anything from anyone.

Naturally, the Catholic school I attended was run by people who were utterly convinced that God did have a "favorite religion," and to the surprise of absolutely nobody, God's favorite religon was, of course, the Roman Catholic edition of Christianity. A major selling point of Catholicism for me personally was the Sacred Tradition of doctrine which (so I was taught) was absolutely constant through the ages, changing only in the sense of developing a fuller understanding of what was already there.

Later on in life, I began a major study of the Bible, which eventually expanded to include a doctrinal study of the Fathers and Doctors of the Church, as well as authoritative statements of doctrine from Popes and Ecumenical Councils. I won't bore you with the details (unless you tell me that you want them suffice to say I found a blatant contradiction between older Catholic doctrine, and current teachings. For the longest time, this ate at me. I eventually decided that Catholicism was false, and for not very interesting reasons, I started thinking in terms of chucking Christianity altogether. I even started attending synagogue. But eventually, I decided (at that time,) that I still believed in the divinity of Jesus, so after some soul-searching, I got baptized into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. (Technically, both the Catholics and the Mormons still consider me to be "theirs.")

More recently, I discovered truth-problems with the Mormon religion, so you can pretty much guess what's happened. I rejected that religion, and spent even more time reading and pondering. Where I'm at now is a result of that: at this stage in my life, I consider myself an atheist. So, to answer the question that started this post:

1) While a member of a Christian religion, I never really did come to terms with both faith and sexuality. Of course, the obvious observation is that neither of the religious groups I joined would exactly be amenable to such a situation. Still, the verdict for this phase of my life is: no resolution. None.

2) Just as obviously, for me now, the problem is dissolved. No God, no Word of God. No Word of God, no necessity to worry about what any given text (or prophecy, or Tradition) says.

Hopefully, I've managed to communicate my story without stepping on anyone's toes. But this is what happened in my case.

Wanderer

[Rick336]

Originally Posted by Wanderer

1) While a member of a Christian religion, I never really did come to terms with both faith and sexuality. Of course, the obvious observation is that neither of the religious groups I joined would exactly be amenable to such a situation. Still, the verdict for this phase of my life is: no resolution. None.

2) Just as obviously, for me now, the problem is dissolved. No God, no Word of God. No Word of God, no necessity to worry about what any given text (or prophecy, or Tradition) says.

Hopefully, I've managed to communicate my story without stepping on anyone's toes. But this is what happened in my case.

Wanderer

This is pretty much what happened to me too. (except I went from being a Methodist to a Baptist to an atheist)

Rick

[BruceChris]

I believe in a loving God, and in God's love. Anyone or anything that says otherwise is really a part of the problem, not a part of the solution. God is love, and S/He doesn't hate anybody.

People who speak of hate or anger are coming from a place of fear in their life. Please remember to be gentle with them.

I believe that there is more truth to be found in the kind behavior of a loving Christian, or other person, than is necessarily found in the Bible.

Peace and Love, Bruce Chris

[marcdash]

Originally Posted by Jennifer5

This is a general question which has come to mind. Many of you once felt that it was wrong to be gay, how did you over-come that? When your religion tells you that it is wrong and even some or all of the people you love, what do you do?

Personally, how do you come to accept yourself?

I actually had no trouble telling others i was gay, but i myself HATED being gay, because I did at first think that God wouldnt be happy about it.
I told God on many occasions
"If my homosexuality is a barrier between us then show me now, end my life" and so on, because I knew I couldnt live any other way. To live a straight life would have been a lie, and whatsmore I had already upset many girls up until i accepted my 'gayhood' but pretending i was straight and i made a terrible boyfriend.
Luckily for me in the end God showed me he was ok with me being gay by a personal revelation where he let me know he was fine with it. After that I decided to see if there were any other gay christians out there and finally ended up here...and the more stories i hear of other gay christians the more i know what i already know...God loves us.

[Dakota]

I've always known I was attracted sexually to other women, but after I became a Christian, I tried to suppress it and "act like a Christian." Unfortunately, that didn't work, because I was still secretly attracted to other women. The good news, however, I finished reading "Religion Gone Bad" the week before last, which lead me here to Soulforce, by the way, and now I am deeply convinced that I'm not doing anything wrong. God loves me exactly as I am and wouldn't change a thing about me, so I am no longer going to try to change and be something I'm not. Instead, I'm going to embrace who I am, even if I become attracted to other women in the future, and let God love me just the way I am. I've struggled with my Christian faith all these years for nothing because I was trying to become something that I knew I wasn't. But now that I'm finally free to be me, thanks to Mel White's book, and God for leading me to "Religion Gone Bad" while I was browsing Barnes & Noble's online bookstore, I'm not struggling with my faith anymore. Now that's what I call "freedom in Christ." Hallejuah!

[Gennee]

Originally Posted by Linda2008

It may sound peculiar, but there it is.

My mother is bisexual. She became involved with a woman for several years. My grandparents, horrified by the situation, took legal action against my mother and were able to take custody of my siblings and me from her.

Even as a child I can remember my grandmother lecturing us about how my mother "was a good person and still loved us but was very confused." I was a pretty analytical child and I could not help but notice when I was allowed to visit my mom that she sure didn't SEEM confused. She worked, paid her bills on time, loved us and took care of us and she suffered because she missed us and we could not be together as a normal family...and had a girlfriend.

I also have a close male friend since my middle school and high school years who's gay. He's a great guy, smart as a whip, our class valedictorian, helped me with my math studying, we liked a lot of the same music...and he was interested in his own gender for romantic involvement.

I really never formulated an opinion about gay being "wrong". It seems many people wish to believe it's wrong--whether morally, spiritually, etc.--but I just don't see it. What I HAVE seen, though, is that the people who DO believe it's wrong...will try and hurt or punnish the "offenders". That seems pretty unbalanced to me. Should people lose their parental rights, their jobs, their status as good citizens, and even have their mental health questionned due to their romantic preferences? That sounds pretty wrong to me.

Linda, I'm sorry about what happened. I agree with you that those people who see being gay as wrong will will try to hurt gay people. It's really a shame that we cannot be accepted as we are.

Gennee

[bnmoore]

Originally Posted by Jennifer5

This is a general question which has come to mind. Many of you once felt that it was wrong to be gay, how did you over-come that? When your religion tells you that it is wrong and even some or all of the people you love, what do you do?

Personally, how do you come to accept yourself?

Personally I have never not felt the Presence. It didn't go away when I came out. I did eventually leave the faith in which I was raised. I found a more like-minded one. The minister at the time was gay and his partner was on the platform with him as the Minister of Music. Our membership is probably about 60% gay now.

Ben