Barely Hanging On

[KevinS]

Hey All:

In the past year, I left a 17 year marriage, 3 wonderful kids (well, I still see them all the time) and a conservative evangelical church. My parents and siblings have disowned me to the point of even sending back Christmas gifts from years past.

I found a wonderful partner who is as deeply in love with me as I am with him. I thank God for him. I'm also seeing a good psychologist to try to work through the issues of letting go of the past.

And yet, I am still struggling so deeply with self-hatred that I have attempted suicide twice in as many weeks. Last week, my partner found me passed out in the bathroom and rushed me to the ER where they managed to pump my stomach.

I know the right answers - God created me gay, I am not at fault. I can still be a loving and giving father. I know the words that I am beautiful and good. But I don't feel it, and I'm so afraid right now. Part of me just doesn't want to be here anymore.

Does anyone know what I'm going through?

Kevin.

[scott snedeker]

I also struggled with what I call my "martyr mind" which is a mind within my head that developed by learning to hate myself and torture myself. When in the clutches of my martyr mind I nearly perished several times also. OOne of the ways that I got through was to name the self-hating part of my thinking and separate my awareness from it. The "martyr mind is what I came up with. Whenever I caught myself feeling like a worthless deviant I could sometimes say out loud: "Oh the martyr mind! I know you! You are the part of my mind that was taught to hate me!" I will bow to you and let go of you for a while because I'm going to talk to my friends who love me as is."

It took me years to let go of my self predatory martyr mind, and it did not happen all at once either. But step by step I learned compassion and love for my heart, a Heart with the capacity for passionate love for my own gender. I had to protect my heart from homophobic messages and feel love from other gay fellas.

You are a man with the soul of a man, handsome of body, heart and spirit.

I would suggest Deepak Chopra Soul of Healing meditations on CD and Jack kornfield buddhsit meditatiuon for beginners CD set

[kara speltz]

Originally Posted by KevinS

Hey All:

In the past year, I left a 17 year marriage, 3 wonderful kids (well, I still see them all the time) and a conservative evangelical church. My parents and siblings have disowned me to the point of even sending back Christmas gifts from years past.

I found a wonderful partner who is as deeply in love with me as I am with him. I thank God for him. I'm also seeing a good psychologist to try to work through the issues of letting go of the past.

And yet, I am still struggling so deeply with self-hatred that I have attempted suicide twice in as many weeks. Last week, my partner found me passed out in the bathroom and rushed me to the ER where they managed to pump my stomach.

I know the right answers - God created me gay, I am not at fault. I can still be a loving and giving father. I know the words that I am beautiful and good. But I don't feel it, and I'm so afraid right now. Part of me just doesn't want to be here anymore.
Does anyone know what I'm going through?

Kevin.

dear Kevin: Be patient with yourself and with your family. It's a hard process, but it's worth going through, when you begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel. One of the things I often recommend to people is to spend time meditating on Psalm 139, remembering that God has known you from the time in your mother's womb and you are wondrously made.

Whenever you begin to feel you can't go on. Go back to that beautiful psalm and claim your identity, just as God made you.

Kara

[Zerbie]

Originally Posted by KevinS

I know the right answers - God created me gay, I am not at fault. I can still be a loving and giving father. I know the words that I am beautiful and good. But I don't feel it, and I'm so afraid right now. Part of me just doesn't want to be here anymore.

Does anyone know what I'm going through?

Kevin.

Dear Kevin,


You are having an emergency, and I'm so glad you are here reaching out for support.

You asked if anyone knows what you're going through. I think some of us have been in similar places. What does it feel like? Does it feel like you have been cut off from part of your soul, maybe? Or pressed to an edge?

It sounds like you are on the edge. From this edge, you CAN heal. You can gain positive feelings again, and you can re-learn to feel that you are good and beautiful. It is all possible. The feelings can and will change.

You are doing some good things: you have a caring partner who looks out for you when it counts, and you have starting seeing a psychologist. Those are positive things because they move you in the right direction.

I suggest you practice being proactive. When someone is in a weakened state, as you are now, those proactive steps will be very small ones. Count every positive thing that you do as a Big Medicine.

Positive things can include spending time with your partner, making an appointment with your therapist, reaching out for contact on this website, and even small things like, did you eat a healthy meal? Did you cook? Did you exercise, or pray, or read books that help you heal and feel empowered? Choose things that are relatively easy to do that will feed your soul and help empower you. When you're feeling sapped, drained, desperate, your empowering actions needs to be simple and easy. Make a sandwich. Go to bed early. Those are two simple examples of taking care of yourself which you can do when you feel bad.

It scares me that you made a suicide attempt! It sounds like it scared you, too. Good, because you want to live. I know not all of you feels that way right now, but you do. You want to live.

If you do nothing else, promise me you will do just one thing:
Take your telephone and program 3 very important numbers into the speed dial. Ready?

#1 - a gay-friendly suicide and crisis helpline that is available 24 hours. Put it on speed dial so that next time you're in the bathroom looking at pills, you walk over to your phone and press speed dial. Presto, crisis help-line.

If you DON'T find a gay-friendly helpline that you trust, or it isn't available 24-7, dial 911 next time you're looking at pills that way. 'k?

#2 - put your therapist on speed-dial, checking with him/her in advance to find out exactly what # they want you to call in a suicidal emergency. Some therapists will let you call their personal phones, others may refer you to a local agency or hotline. Find out the emergency # and put it on speed dial.

#3 - your boyfriend. If he isn't already on speed dial, do it now. If you're ever looking at pills that way again, call him. Even if you get his voicemail, you will hear his voice, right?

Kevin, however bad things feel, the feelings will change. Really. They will. No feeling is forever.

I suggest you make a photo collage of your children and your partner, and any other special people, pets, or places in your life, and then post it where you will see it often. Maybe in the bathroom, on the wall beside the medicine cabinet.

Please stay around and report back to us about how you are doing.
You have a safe place here.

Dear, dear, Kevin, your spirit is waiting for you to discover your own beauty and worth. Take some time to become curious and ask yourself how you can invite more beauty and more joyfulness into your daily life. Small things count in a really big way in answering this question.


Zerbie

[alphie]

Hi Kevin - Kara is right - read Psalm 139 and Zebie's steps are right also.
I am praying for you

[Daniel]

Hi Kevin,

My heart goes out to you buddy!

You know you are doing all the right stuff. Great that you have a good therapist and a boyfriend that is standing by you when you need it the most. Still, being rejected by one's family and all that homophobic stuff you inculcated all those years can seem to have a life of its own.

What to do?

Besides all the stuff you are doing, I encourage you to makes some time to meditate, to be quiet, to be still. If you can do this for 20 minutes a day, you will start to see a change in your state of mind. Won't happen overnight, but it will.

How to do this? Here's one technique:

Sit with your spine straight and breath slowly. Slow exhalations. See yourself- in your mind's eye- someplace that you enjoy- the beach, the mountains- you get the idea. After awhile, imagine that there is a warm light in the middle of your chest, radiating out to yourself and everyone around you. See this light get brighter and brighter, bringing blessing and warmth to everyone.

Give yourself what you need, what you want to have from others: love and compassion.

[tdogg]

Hi Kevin. Sorry to hear that you are going through difficult times right now. It's very hard when people we love, those who we expect to love us too, turn their backs on us. Mainly it's because they are scared. I'm sure they all still love you so much, but they have been frightened by what they think is hell that there is no looking beyond that.

Please, if you are having a low period of time, don't be alone. At least, like Zerbie says, have some helpful phone numbers on speed dial, but try not to be alone if you can help it.

Also important, to understand that you are still going through your coming out process. And since the bad stuff we are told is easier to believe somehow, it's vital that you tell yourself the positive stuff. Over and over again. Until you really believe it in your heart. You are a beautiful person. God loves you. You are wonderfully, beautifully made. Someday, your loved ones will see that. For now, keep telling yourself. It's true. Don't buy into the bad stuff.

I wish you all the joy and happiness, and inner peace that you deserve. I'm glad you are here Kevin.

[antiochian]

Hi Kevin,

You are so, so not alone in this! I've been on the brink of self-destruction many times over the years. It's a scary, lonely, dark, painful place to be. You've already been given much good advice, and I won't try to add to that.

I don't know what to say about those who rejected you. That has to hurt deeply, but it is ultimately THEIR loss.

You have a boyfriend who loves you and your children, and that's a lot! One of the things that always gave me pause in those moments of desperation was reflecting on the people who loved me, and how they would be affected by my choice to end my life.

Wishing you peace and strength in this dark time.

[KevinS]

Oh my gosh. I logged on this morning, and I'm in tears reading your posts to me. Last night, I did phone a very good friend from my gay-friendly church and shared completely openly with her and we talked for a good hour. I promised to reach out to her in the future.

Each one of your posts have such meaning to me, I can't thank you enough. I do get this martyr-complex one of your talked about - like I believe I need to be punished for being gay and being bad.

I am going to reach out harder each day that I feel like withdrawing. I have quite a number of friends, but I think I've been embarrassed to tell them that I'm not doing well because on the outside, it seems like it should be going well.

I also went to my doctor, and the pills I took are gone now, and I only get a one week supply at a time now, so the most imminent danger is gone.

I really like the idea of a collage of people I love and who love me for who I am. That is going to be one of my first projects this week. Also, I know about meditating. I used to do that daily when I was first coming out about 2 years ago. Why did I stop? Lazy I guess.

Thanks for your prayers, and your posts, which have meant so much to me. I will keep you up-to-date here.

Kevin.

[Zerbie]

Dear Kevin,

Thank you for coming back and responding. I hoped you would let us know how you are doing.

Have fun making the collage. Glad you liked the idea.

RE the meditation:
sometimes we resist meditation during times of stress because we're right there with all the feelings and thoughts, so they can come up. They will have to come up in order to get moving on their way, so let them come up. But if thoughts and feelings become too much to deal with, then switch to a more elemental level of processing. That is, switch to the level of feeling textures, listening to sounds, looking at pictures of loved ones, that sort of thing. Get your basis senses involved. That can help us move back to the present and regain some strength, instead of always floundering around in busy thoughts or overwhelming emotions.

I'm glad you're taking care of yourself and that you have a team of friends, loved ones, and doctors all teaming up with you to do that. You are strong and you are smart; I know you will come through all of this.


Love,
Zerbie

[scott snedeker]

"It is often negatively intensely gratifying to despise myself and hurt myself"

"I'm going to drink with vengence"

"F--k it all!!! I'll take it bareback because I don't give a damn anymore"

I remember recounting these intensely gratifying self-predations to my counselor early in my recovery from internalized homophobia. Though these actions and thoughts lessened my angst temporarily, I found that they tended to reinforce the shame and abuse of my heart.

How many times and in how many ways that I have betrayed my heart and my inner feelings in this way I will never be able to quantify.

I was very well practiced in this strategy and did it very efficiently.

The first difficult step was to let go of the gratification I exploited from myself in this way. That left me empty.

Then I was introduced to spiritually guided healing, initially through Reiki (a Japanese meditation spiritually sharing of unconditional love) then later through Buddhist meditations of forgiveness, lovingkindness, and mindful awareness.

I am still quite the novice at practicing compassion for my self, but I have come a very long distance after 3 years. I learned to ask my heart for forgiveness and earn back its trust.

You are doing the best thing for your heart by cultivating friends and support in a safe environment that is affirming and nonthreatening to your basic loving nature, a nature whose capacity for the beauty of intimacy is with your own gender.