Responsible Communication

[NathanATX]

Hi folks,
What's with all the drama lately? I expect more from all of you incredible, amazing, loving and generous people.

If you find yourself writing something that people are getting upset by, my request is that you take a day off the forums and come back being responsible for how your communication lands with other people. That means you have to be interested in and concerned with how other people hear what you have to say. If their "hearing" of what you said doesn't match up with your intent, take responsibility for that disconnect and restate your communication so that people actually hear what you meant.

There's nothing wrong here, only something that isn't working. Let's put some integrity and responsibility back into our communication.

Much love,
Nathan Black
Moderator

[Jennifer5]

The part I found fascinating was that it sparked communication. We have been pretty dead around here, but we just one insult and we quickly have three pages posted.

I agree 100% that all of us need to be responsible of our words.

We need to be respectful of one another so that we can have the kind of conversations that we thrive on, the ones where we all have our own opinions and individual feelings.

[marcdash]

Originally Posted by Jennifer5

The part I found fascinating was that it sparked communication. We have been pretty dead around here, but we just one insult and we quickly have three pages posted.

I agree 100% that all of us need to be responsible of our words.

We need to be respectful of one another so that we can have the kind of conversations that we thrive on, the ones where we all have our own opinions and individual feelings.

Jennifer the reason people reply when there is a drama is because they love an argument and name-calling.
Human nature at its worst.

As far as I saw it I was just giving an opinion like everyone else...I didn't ask for others to agree, but wasnt expecting to be called 'callous', 'a jerk' and a 'prick'...It saddens me when Christians behaved like that, and it just showed me that as bad as these people seem to think I am for being (in their words) 'un-sympathetic'...They proved themselves to be much much worse.

Im not going to be posting anymore, so you'll all get peace x

The 'baddie' is off.

No doubt this will be deleted by the Gods...i mean 'Mods'.

[Jennifer5]

Originally Posted by marcdash

Jennifer the reason people reply when there is a drama is because they love an argument and name-calling.
Human nature at its worst.

As far as I saw it I was just giving an opinion like everyone else...I didn't ask for others to agree, but wasnt expecting to be called 'callous', 'a jerk' and a 'prick'...It saddens me when Christians behaved like that, and it just showed me that as bad as these people seem to think I am for being (in their words) 'un-sympathetic'...They proved themselves to be much much worse.

Im not going to be posting anymore, so you'll all get peace x

The 'baddie' is off.

No doubt this will be deleted by the Gods...i mean 'Mods'.

Many of us do love an argument, but those don't usually happen here.

We do love a good discussion however and that's what I was referring to. I think we need more real discussions, but that requires a lot of 'checking yourself'.

What happened on Andy's thread was neither though. That was defense speaking. The relationships that are built here are very strong ones and we become incredibly defensive when we see someone we love being hurt.

I really was enjoying your posts up until I say the way you were talking about and to Uncle Andy. It was no longer an opinion, it was hurtful to him, it was hurtful to me, and I'm sure many others as well judging by the responses you got.

I wish that you could understand that you were in fact being unsympathetic and disrespectful to him and the rest of us, so that you could apologize and move on. Take a step back and try to understand why we might feel the way we do. Come back in a day or two as the person that we met a couple days ago, I really enjoyed his presence.

Just because other people in the world may be dealing with even tougher things, does not make the pain we feel any less real. It's really hard to put all of you love, time, and energy into one thing only to be treated with such disrespect, no one deserves that.

[Daniel]

Jennifer- very well said...very well indeed.

[Zerbie]

We (as a forum community) need renewal. Does anyone else perceive it this way?

I have almost ceased reading, let alone posting here, as conversation that truly engaged me has not occurred for some time. There has been a lot less traffic going on, overall, fewer conversations generally. We have been losing the variety of opinions and the depths of meaning and sharing that once were.

Then when we had one person come in with something that was generally perceived as negative, suddenly there was noise on the forum.

I think it is well worth asking ourselves why we respond to the one negative thing. Why is that what gets our energy? What else can we devote our attention to? What would be more productive? How can we divert our attention from what we DON'T like so that we can emphasize and increase that which we DO like?

[u-dog]

The nature of our conversation has changed. This is partly due to the fact many of the regular posters have scaled back the level of their contributions. Some have disappeared entirely. I am in the first group. I have spent some time reflecting on why I no longer post in the way that I did and the only answer I can come up with is that it no longer feels safe to do so. Is this because the group has changed or because I have? I don't know. I've considered just disappearing but I don't seem able. Beyond this I don't have any wisdom.

[Matt Algren]

Originally Posted by marcdash

Jennifer the reason people reply when there is a drama is because they love an argument and name-calling.
Human nature at its worst.

As far as I saw it I was just giving an opinion like everyone else...I didn't ask for others to agree, but wasnt expecting to be called 'callous', 'a jerk' and a 'prick'...It saddens me when Christians behaved like that, and it just showed me that as bad as these people seem to think I am for being (in their words) 'un-sympathetic'...They proved themselves to be much much worse.

Im not going to be posting anymore, so you'll all get peace x

The 'baddie' is off.

No doubt this will be deleted by the Gods...i mean 'Mods'.

When everyone seems to have a problem with what you're saying, it might just be that you're the problem, not them.

You can paint yourself as a martyr all you want, but you were being a jerk to someone you don't know and whose situation you don't know.

[Jennifer5]

Originally Posted by Zerbie

We (as a forum community) need renewal. Does anyone else perceive it this way?

I have almost ceased reading, let alone posting here, as conversation that truly engaged me has not occurred for some time. There has been a lot less traffic going on, overall, fewer conversations generally. We have been losing the variety of opinions and the depths of meaning and sharing that once were.

Then when we had one person come in with something that was generally perceived as negative, suddenly there was noise on the forum.

I think it is well worth asking ourselves why we respond to the one negative thing. Why is that what gets our energy? What else can we devote our attention to? What would be more productive? How can we divert our attention from what we DON'T like so that we can emphasize and increase that which we DO like?

All good questions sis, but I don't know how to answer any of them. I think that's part of the point, many of us don't. When we try to focus on the positive things, we don't seem to get a whole lot of interest from other people, conversation doesn't really come of it. I happen to be one of the ones that is energized by fighting negativity.

Originally Posted by u-dog

The nature of our conversation has changed. This is partly due to the fact many of the regular posters have scaled back the level of their contributions. Some have disappeared entirely. I am in the first group. I have spent some time reflecting on why I no longer post in the way that I did and the only answer I can come up with is that it no longer feels safe to do so. Is this because the group has changed or because I have? I don't know. I've considered just disappearing but I don't seem able. Beyond this I don't have any wisdom.

Perhaps you found comfort in the friends that you made here. This forum is, or at least once was, a very small and connected community of people. The friendships made here feel/felt very real.

I agree that this forum does not feel as safe as it once did. I think it's partially because of the absence of the regulars, but it's also partially because of it's growth. The second part I can get used to, but I miss a lot of the people that we've lost.

Anyway, I think my mind is wandering a little too off topic, so I'm going to stop now and take this to another thread.

Responsible communication is one of the things that people at SF are usually very good about and it helps to make this a very enjoyable online community.

[Zerbie]

I miss us, too. But to quote from Little Women, "Things change."
Perhaps this forum has changed and we have passed the point where we could again have what we once did. I would like to believe not. This was an incredibly unique place.

I have almost stopped posting. The change in the way this forum operates has caused me to lose interest in participating here. If more of the other old regulars were still around engaging at the level they used to, that would bring me back, probably.

Jen dear, you do not engage negativity in a direct give and take. You are the one here who always takes the positive road. You may feel that you are energized by fighting negativity, but you are not participating in it.

[marcdash]

Maybe most people stopped posting because they get slated everytime they give an opinion? Thats why i stopped.
I seriously dont know why yous couldnt have let this drop ages ago, yous have gone on and on and on about it like a bunch of children. In fact im actually so sick of it im leaving.

[NathanATX]

Yes, you are now being placed on a ten day suspension per our previous discussion.

If you decide to participate again, I hope you will come back being the generous, loving, smart, and kind young man I know you are.

Nathan Black
Moderator

[kara speltz]

Originally Posted by marcdash

Maybe most people stopped posting because they get slated everytime they give an opinion? Thats why i stopped.
I seriously dont know why yous couldnt have let this drop ages ago, yous have gone on and on and on about it like a bunch of children. In fact im actually so sick of it im leaving.

LOL, one could only wish he had stopped posting! Thanks Nathan, all three of us (Keltic, you and I) have concurred that Marc needs a cooling off period.

Hopefully, we can move on to more positive discussions.

Kara

[tdogg]

I was disheartened by some of the posts in response to Andy's - which I'm certain is what we are discussing here. Marc's in particular. Although I don't know him, I would expect some compassion from anyone responding to such heartfelt words as Andy's. Maybe it's just because I know, like and care about him much?

In general, I haven't been as active on the forums mainly due to me being active in 3D locally. I'm involved in faith outreach efforts (to bring discussions of marriage equality into churches), meeting and networking with other activists. I'm also involved in some of the Equality Action Now events, helping with rallies and such. I may be assisting with one in So. Cal that my cousin is trying to get off the ground. I'll be busy with Pride here in Sacramento too. Plus a full time job, a wife and household, pets, family, etc. And if that wasn't enough I've gotten myself a website and in the process of setting up a blog.

That's why I'm not here regularly anymore. But I still come and read and post now and then. I still get something out of these forums. Friendships made and maintained, keeping up with their news and GLBT news in general. I believe were the forums to go away, I would greatly miss them. I've given up trying to respond to every new member, but I do try to post here and there if I feel it's worthwhile or am compelled (even sometimes if it's controversial).

SF is still a great place for me.

[Jennifer5]

Originally Posted by Zerbie

I miss us, too. But to quote from Little Women, "Things change."
Perhaps this forum has changed and we have passed the point where we could again have what we once did. I would like to believe not. This was an incredibly unique place.

I have almost stopped posting. The change in the way this forum operates has caused me to lose interest in participating here. If more of the other old regulars were still around engaging at the level they used to, that would bring me back, probably.

Jen dear, you do not engage negativity in a direct give and take. You are the one here who always takes the positive road. You may feel that you are energized by fighting negativity, but you are not participating in it.

I try not to engage in the negativity by stooping to it's level, although I do more often then I'd like. Perhaps that doesn't show on here, because on here I can get a little bit of distance from the issues, but in 3D I struggle to take the high road. This is a great place to learn.

I don't believe that we've reached a point of no return, we go in lulls. I think we need more active people and I think we need to figure out what exactly we've lost.

[tymejumper]

I really miss all the diversity and open communication to be had here. I miss the support that was given and taken for granted.

We have all had tough times and turned to posting on this space for support. I recently became pretty angry and posted my frustration here and others posted and really helped me to see that it is not good to be so angry and hate does nothing. That is why we have this here, for support, for understanding and for advice(give and take).

I miss that, really I do, and I have not posted as much because it just seems that so many things have turned into arguments. Everyone gets offended and upset at each other. Many lately, the newbies, don't seem to be able to say what they feel or agree or disagree with in a way that does not make others feel terrible. Why on earth would you want to turn to your family and friends online and get shot down in flames?

I realize people all post things they later regret, I know I have, and if I upset someone I am more than willing to apologize and make amends. I expect the same of others. Indeed, many of us have appologized either on post or through PM. That is what makes us a community that is living and breathing and growing.

We also have learned through various posts here where each others sore spots are and how to avoid them. We have learned each others sense of humor and temperment. We need to be mindful of all this when we post to each other and answer each others post, give advice etc.

And in case I didnt say thankyou for all the advice and support when I got really pissed off about propsition 8 and wanting to scream, cry and tear things apart all at the same time over it....thankyou all(Zerbie, thanks for seeing my pain and gently reminding me that violence is not the way).