Well, another weekend is here, and what a weekend it's been so far. My mom was sick with a stomach bug and is only just now starting to recover. She hasn't eaten anything since Friday afternoon, but she did eat a slice of dry toast this morning and seems to be doing better now. Tomorrow for Memorial Day, my dad might grill us some hamburgers, so I hope my mom will be feeling well enough to eat by then. Yum! My dad may be a jerk, but he sure can grill hamburgers! We are trying to get along, though. It's mainly to keep the peace for my mom's sake and keep me out of trouble. And so far, I've been able to keep my doll's diapers a secret from him, too. God has been keeping my dad away while I change my baby, so hopefully this will continue on until I am able to leave my doll at the home of my friend Lise and her husband David when I come home from my month-long trial run with them (July 26th to August 16th). I really wasn't planning on bringing my doll home when I finished my week-long trial run with David and Lise back in March, because of the diaper issue, but I didn't know at the time how long I would have to wait before I could do my month-long trial run, and I couldn't be without my baby that long. And so, I must live with what I had to do and hope that my Safety Zone remains intact until July 26th. If my month-long trial run goes well (and I hope it does), I'm hoping to be moving in with David and Lise a short time after that and living with them until I can move on to Assisted Living for adults with developmental disabilities. Wouldn't that be cool? Then I can live my own life and not have to hide anything from my dad anymore. Why is he so opposed to me putting diapers on my doll? Simply put, he's a jerk who just doesn't understand that it's my money that I'm spending, not his, I'm a grown woman who has the right to enjoy what I like, I'm not disrupting anything or anyone or putting my doll hobby ahead of God, and my dad won't let me enjoy anything or have any freedom at all unless it is on his own terms, therefore I have no rights whatsoever, and I'm not allowed to be human, be my own person, or just be myself because my dad forces me to hide things from him and suppress my feelings and emotions out of fear of him and be something I'm not. In fact, the other day, I let him borrow my copy of "What's Wrong With The Christian Right" by Jan G. Linn, and while he was reading the book, I overheard him saying to himself how weird the author was just because the author's viewpoints on abortion, homosexuality, the Rapture, the Second Coming of Jesus, etc were not his own. In other words, instead of looking at everything that the author wanted to do was right, he only saw what was wrong with the author. I have to live with that everyday. My dad very rarely sees what I do right. He only sees what I do wrong, and he tries to make me into something I'm not, then ridicules me for having viewpoints that are different than his. So, even though he used to encourage me to develop homosexual desires for other women back when he used to sexually abuse me, if he ever found out that I am indeed a gay woman who has struggled with these desires for years, he would either shame me with ridiculing or try to make me into something I'm not. That's why I never tell him anything. I don't think my mom would be accepting of it, either, so even she doesn't know and probably will never get to find out. Pretty sad, huh?
Anyway, the weekend so far has been rainy, chilly, and windy but now appears to be clearing up, so I haven't been able to wear shorts, short sleeves, or go barefoot since Thursday or Friday of last week. Even my doll is dressed warm. She is napping right now, and as soon as she wakes up, I'll be changing her diaper and getting ready to watch a NASCAR race on TV. Let's just hope my dad stays out of my room and never so much as see me go into my bathroom to run water on Dakota-Rhiannon's used diaper before I can roll it up in the paper towel, head back into my room (my bathroom is out in the hallway sitting between two bedrooms, and my bedroom is at the end of the hallway but at the front of our singlewide mobile home, so our living room is just outside the hallway), and discard the diaper in a plastic shopping bag in my bedroom closet, huh? I'm sure I'll be okay, though. I have been so far. Being dishonest is no fun, but when you're dealing with someone who hates one of your hobbies and will do just about anything to keep you from enjoying it just to be a jerk and nothing else, you have no choice but to keep it hidden until you can feel safe again (please read "Mortal Danger"? for more info on my dad). And that's why I won't be bringing my doll back home again the second time around. I'll be able to enjoy her more without fear at David and Lise's house because they don't tell me how to spend my money, make me live in fear, or try to make me into something I'm not. I don't use cloth diapers on my doll because I've already tried them and I don't like them. Yes, I care about our environment and stuff, and yes disposable diapers fill up landfill space and take up to 500 years to decompose. I understand that and agree completely. However, until I find a cloth diaper that will actually work for me that I can learn to enjoy using, I've decided to stick with disposables. Use the disposables over again? Hmmm! Maybe I'll give that a try someday, too. But for now, I just want to have fun. Know what I mean?