Don't know if I'm more angry or upset...

[Jennifer5]

My mom's been dating this guy. I knew since before I even met him that he couldn't be trusted and that she deserved a lot better then him. She kept insisting that she liked him. I know her well enough to know that her her words and her heart were saying two very different things. She's not happy with him.

She was finally ready to break-up with him and she almost did, but he somehow turned it around. He convinced her that it was all an oversight or a misunderstanding. Now, my father told her for years that things were all just a misunderstanding, so I cringe when I hear this excuse. So she decided to start at square one again and give him another chance. Now, if the situation was different and if he had been good for her at any point, I could support this, but that's not the case.

Every time he calls I get a knot in my stomach. Except for this week, my sister and I have temporarily moved out of the house when he's around (this week we couldn't find anyone to stay with).

I wish so badly that she could just see herself the way we see her. She has no idea how amazing she is and she doesn't realize that another person will also see that in her. I want her to prove to herself and to my sister and I, that she, and all of us deserve real love and respect. I need her to end this relationship for her, for us, and for the nearly conflict relationship we used to all have.

I needed to share this somewhere, so thank you for reading. I need a hug and a bit of hope.

[Daniel]

Originally Posted by Jennifer5

My mom's been dating this guy. I knew since before I even met him that he couldn't be trusted and that she deserved a lot better then him. She kept insisting that she liked him. I know her well enough to know that her her words and her heart were saying two very different things. She's not happy with him.

She was finally ready to break-up with him and she almost did, but he somehow turned it around. He convinced her that it was all an oversight or a misunderstanding. Now, my father told her for years that things were all just a misunderstanding, so I cringe when I hear this excuse. So she decided to start at square one again and give him another chance. Now, if the situation was different and if he had been good for her at any point, I could support this, but that's not the case.

Jen- I hear you saying that you seen a pattern repeating itself. One, that if not checked, will impact you and your sister, not just your mother.

That said, I wonder how you could know that this guy can't be trusted. Intuition?

You could be right. He may not be trustworthy. If so, it sounds like your mother may have a pattern of behavior (for whatever reason) that leads her into situations where she is taken advantage of.

She may indeed deserve better. And want it too. But it's really hard for you- as her daughter- to help her see this. As such, that is asking you to assume the role of therapist or parent.

Know what? I love it that you are voting with your feet, that is, not staying there when the guy is around. That is a big message.

[Dakota]

This man isn't hitting your mom, is he?

Hugs,
Dakota

[Jennifer5]

Originally Posted by Daniel

Jen- I hear you saying that you seen a pattern repeating itself. One, that if not checked, will impact you and your sister, not just your mother.

That said, I wonder how you could know that this guy can't be trusted. Intuition?

You could be right. He may not be trustworthy. If so, it sounds like your mother may have a pattern of behavior (for whatever reason) that leads her into situations where she is taken advantage of.

She may indeed deserve better. And want it too. But it's really hard for you- as her daughter- to help her see this. As such, that is asking you to assume the role of therapist or parent.

Know what? I love it that you are voting with your feet, that is, not staying there when the guy is around. That is a big message.

Not trusting him is mostly a feeling. It's partially questioning my mom's taste in men. Also his job though, he's a trained liar.

We're both in still in high school and living at home, her relationship affects us in a big way.

Thank you so much Daniel for supporting me, when you could have easily said I was being out of line. All I know how to do is trust my heart, as you mentioned before. So I'm trying to trust what my instincts are telling me.

Originally Posted by Dakota

This man isn't hitting your mom, is he?

Hugs,
Dakota

No, I would have called the police by now if that was going on. I definitely won't deal with that crap.

[JoanMVhn]

I hate that feeling when you don't trust other people simply because you have a gut instinct.
What has he done that he is undeserving of your trust?

[Jennifer5]

Originally Posted by JoanMVhn

I hate that feeling when you don't trust other people simply because you have a gut instinct.
What has he done that he is undeserving of your trust?

I can't think of anything specifically, because I felt this way before I even met him person. I think it's my mom's energy, but I don't know.

I love that gut instinct feeling, but it's hard too sometimes. The last time I felt this way about someone (about a family friend's partner), it ended a few years later because apparently the guy was a complete jerk and slightly abusive. I trust my gut.

[Daniel]

Originally Posted by Jennifer5

I can't think of anything specifically, because I felt this way before I even met him person. I think it's my mom's energy, but I don't know.

I love that gut instinct feeling, but it's hard too sometimes. The last time I felt this way about someone (about a family friend's partner), it ended a few years later because apparently the guy was a complete jerk and slightly abusive. I trust my gut.

Is a real thing. Call it gut instinct, or whatever one wants to call it. I've had strong feelings about certain things myself. And have ignored them at my peril.

The mind can 'logic' these things out, that is, the left part of the brain can override what the right side is telling one. They hemisphere's of the brain work together certainly, but they are not the same, having different functions.

Going with your gut sounds good to me! It's a valid avenue for perception.

[tymejumper]

Jen
You are Jesters age so I would give the same advice.

ALWAYS trust your gut instinct. It is there for a reason.

Animals have this, its called instinct. We are also animals, but over history, we have beaten it down with the excuse of good manners. We are afraid that others will think we are rude so we open doors to strangers when our instincts scream for us to not do it. Then we can't figure out why we were robbed or whatever, but we can't say we really had no idea...we just ignored it. I believe your instincts are not steering you wrong. Further more, it is not just you, but also your sister that is having the same reaction to this man.

The bad part is that you are a minor and you still live at home. Also, no matter even if you were adult, you could not make your mother acknowledge anything was wrong or see anything wrong, even if there is. It's called denial and when it comes to life, you will find out that people have to draw their own conclusions. People don't see things that they don't want to and you will not be able to change a thing. Your job now is to let her make her own mistakes, and see to yourself and sister.

I know this sounds like a terrible thing to say, but its the only option open to you at this point. You can not move out. You can not support yourself at this point. There really is no where to go to, unless you have a relative you can stay with over the Summer, you are pretty much stuck. As long as he is not abusing you , your sister or your mom, there is nothing anyone will do. I would suggest that you and your sister take care of each other, watch out for each other and let the drama play itself out. I agree with Daniel and vote with your feet, try to stay out of his way and stay safe, ok?

[NathanATX]

Jennifer,
Please talk with a pastor or family friend your mom and you both respect. Ask them to facilitate a conversation with your mom.

I'm concerned for you because of the intensity of your reaction to this man.

Please give me a call so we can talk!
Nathan

[Jennifer5]

Originally Posted by Daniel

Intuition Is a real thing. Call it gut instinct, or whatever one wants to call it. I've had strong feelings about certain things myself. And have ignored them at my peril.

The mind can 'logic' these things out, that is, the left part of the brain can override what the right side is telling one. They hemisphere's of the brain work together certainly, but they are not the same, having different functions.

Going with your gut sounds good to me! It's a valid avenue for perception.

Thank you so much, your words mean the world to me.

Originally Posted by tymejumper

Jen
You are Jesters age so I would give the same advice.

ALWAYS trust your gut instinct. It is there for a reason.

Animals have this, its called instinct. We are also animals, but over history, we have beaten it down with the excuse of good manners. We are afraid that others will think we are rude so we open doors to strangers when our instincts scream for us to not do it. Then we can't figure out why we were robbed or whatever, but we can't say we really had no idea...we just ignored it. I believe your instincts are not steering you wrong. Further more, it is not just you, but also your sister that is having the same reaction to this man.

The bad part is that you are a minor and you still live at home. Also, no matter even if you were adult, you could not make your mother acknowledge anything was wrong or see anything wrong, even if there is. It's called denial and when it comes to life, you will find out that people have to draw their own conclusions. People don't see things that they don't want to and you will not be able to change a thing. Your job now is to let her make her own mistakes, and see to yourself and sister.

I know this sounds like a terrible thing to say, but its the only option open to you at this point. You can not move out. You can not support yourself at this point. There really is no where to go to, unless you have a relative you can stay with over the Summer, you are pretty much stuck. As long as he is not abusing you , your sister or your mom, there is nothing anyone will do. I would suggest that you and your sister take care of each other, watch out for each other and let the drama play itself out. I agree with Daniel and vote with your feet, try to stay out of his way and stay safe, ok?

I'm not a minor, but I won't be moving out for a long time. Even if I could or did, that wouldn't solve the problem anyway. My mom gets walked all over by men, I honestly think that we're protecting her by telling/showing her how we feel. It's called denial, but my sister and I were so upset when she told us that she is letting him have another chance, that I kind of let her have it and told her exactly how I felt. Including going as far as to tell her that she was setting a bad example for us by staying with him, because she has raised us to believe that we deserve true love and respect. Right now it's a one sided fight, I keep talking because I will no longer pretend that it's all just going to go away, but she won't engage in the conversation. I know she hears what we're saying and take every word to heart though... I'm a lot like her, I recognize it.

I told her that we definitely would be leaving again the next time he comes into town (it's a long distance relationship, he's been here for full weeks at a time the last couple months though). I let her know that the only reason we were around for most of this week was because we weren't able to find someone to stay with, since our plans fell through.

Originally Posted by NathanATX

Jennifer,
Please talk with a pastor or family friend your mom and you both respect. Ask them to facilitate a conversation with your mom.

I'm concerned for you because of the intensity of your reaction to this man.

Please give me a call so we can talk!
Nathan

Believe me, I've been talking to everyone I can get my hands on. Well, all my best friends who I know I can trust. I told my 'uncle' and I think I'm hoping that he talked to her. Another friend jokingly told me he'd get rid of this guy for us ; he's awesome to talk to though, because he's also got a mom who gets herself in bad relationships (only hers are way worse). He's 21 and doesn't want to move out because he doesn't want to leave her alone... which isn't my reason for still living at home, but it is a situation I can see being in by the time I'm his age.

As I just mentioned, I'm also talking to her. I mad and upset to be quite, keeping my mouth shut is hard enough in these situations anyway. I've decided that I love her too much to shut up just to spare her feelings. She knows that we're right and she may not ever tell us, but I think she'll thank us for pointing some things out.

I think that the intensity of my reaction is a combination of things. The build up of concern, because I do trust my instincts and they tell me I can't trust him. Also, she told us a couple days ago that the relationship was over and the burden lifted, then we were hit like a ton of bricks when she basically just said, never-mind.

Also, I'm beginning to question if the relationship is a lot worse than I know. I think that he may be verbally abusive. I know she wouldn't tell us and she probably wouldn't even recognize it, but I recognize some patterns in her behavior that are really concerning me. Her divorce took place '04 through '06 and I recognize a lot those negative ways of thinking re-surfacing. I panic when I see that. If she won't explain what's going on, I'm going to do everything in my power to make it's impossible to continue the relationship with him.

Nate, if you still want me too call, I may just do that.

[Jennifer5]

She hasn't broken up with him, but intends to. He shouldn't be coming to visit again. She recognizes all most of the things that I so desperately needed her to see. I told her that I have no idea what goes on in their relationship, but I know her and I recognizes too many signs that she was in an abusive (emotionally) relationship. I told her that I'd be a lot nicer about the whole thing, but I was scared to death that she would end up back in that kind of situation. Mean while, a person walked into our life and reminded her that she really does deserve to be loved and respected.

Thank you for allowing me to vent to all of you before. You were incredibly helpful and comforting. Beyond that, it got me to a point where I think I was able to pin-point the issue (signs of abuse), which was a really important thing to be able to talk to her about.

[BruceChris]

From all of your postings that I've read so far, you seem to have a fair amount of good judgment (some of which you may even have learned here!!!?!).

Trust your instincts, as Tyme and Daniel said, but do your best to learn from your fears, without being controlled by them.

I get the impression that your mother's insecurities and this man's need for control are feeding into each other. Stereotypical gender patterns here.

I must believe that you and your sister have gotten your mother's attention by now, so I think that she needs her daughters' support far more than confrontation, from this point on. Do your best to be loving and supportive, and accept that this will ultimately have to be her decision.

Has She been conferring with Her (female) friends and support systems?

A Good Man is Hard To Find /(just ask my ex), Bruce Chris

[Poetic Awakening]

Jennifer5,

I am no psychologist or anything like that, but my mom has had her fill of very, very bad relationships. And I know that feeling, when you know something is wrong with your mom, you just know. And when your mom isn't ready to let go, it can drive you crazy in its own unique way. With her worst bad boyfriend, I remember the last time I saw him: he was peeking through the small window by the ceiling in our kitchen. He waved at me while I was eating my cheerios (I was 3 or 4 at this point), and I waved back--not knowing he was unscrewing the screen to break in and do whatever he had planned. Luckily, Mom got my brother and I into her room safely, and the police arrived before he could get in through the window. There were many others, though. I'm just saying, I understand in a small way your situation, and am praying everything works out!

Poetic

[Gennee]

Jen, intuition generally proves to be correct. It seems that it was in this case. That's why it's inside of us. I pray your mom has seen the light- and your concern for her well being.

Gennee

[Jennifer5]

Originally Posted by BruceChris

From all of your postings that I've read so far, you seem to have a fair amount of good judgment (some of which you may even have learned here!!!?!).

Awe, thanks... I've learned a lot here. I think it's because of the option to talk things out here and ask the questions that I've been able to benefit so much from challenging situations.

Trust your instincts, as Tyme and Daniel said, but do your best to learn from your fears, without being controlled by them.

This is something I need help with; not allowing my fears to control me, while still trusting my instincts. In this situation, how could I have done that? Fear is what was a big part of what was controlling me.

I get the impression that your mother's insecurities and this man's need for control are feeding into each other. Stereotypical gender patterns here.

I must believe that you and your sister have gotten your mother's attention by now, so I think that she needs her daughters' support far more than confrontation, from this point on. Do your best to be loving and supportive, and accept that this will ultimately have to be her decision.

We've already made that switch for the most part. It's no longer confrontation, but gentle reminders that she deserves a man that will treat her well. Once we were able to properly explain how we felt and why, this whole thing was no longer a fight. It all changed and was no longer a fight when I told her that what I saw scared me, I think helped get the point across and she got a better sense of how much it affects us.

Has She been conferring with Her (female) friends and support systems?

A Good Man is Hard To Find /(just ask my ex), Bruce Chris

Yes, one set of friends liked the guy and supported the relationship, until now when they can tell she no longer cares. My uncle, said from day one that the guy had to go. My grandma, my brother and his gf, my sister and I are the only other ones with valuable opinions. My brother and his gf liked the guy.

Originally Posted by Poetic Awakening

Jennifer5,

I am no psychologist or anything like that, but my mom has had her fill of very, very bad relationships. And I know that feeling, when you know something is wrong with your mom, you just know. And when your mom isn't ready to let go, it can drive you crazy in its own unique way. With her worst bad boyfriend, I remember the last time I saw him: he was peeking through the small window by the ceiling in our kitchen. He waved at me while I was eating my cheerios (I was 3 or 4 at this point), and I waved back--not knowing he was unscrewing the screen to break in and do whatever he had planned. Luckily, Mom got my brother and I into her room safely, and the police arrived before he could get in through the window. There were many others, though. I'm just saying, I understand in a small way your situation, and am praying everything works out!

Poetic

Thanks Poetic

Originally Posted by Gennee

Jen, intuition generally proves to be correct. It seems that it was in this case. That's why it's inside of us. I pray your mom has seen the light- and your concern for her well being.

Gennee

My heart has never misled me before and I don't think it will as long as I continue to follow it.

I think it's a little harder on me for a lot of reasons. Since the day my dad left my mom, I was the one right there. Although I feel like I could have been doing a better job, since that day I've always looked after her. That's what family does. I saw a lot of negative things happen during that time in her life and any time I see signs that those things are happening again, I get scared and I become really defensive. As someone who has been in a lot of abusive relationships, she's very slow to realize what's going on, it feels to normal to her. So I say something. It upsets her, it causes fights because I refuse to just drop it, but I've never regretted. I trust that she would do that same thing for me.

More and more as time goes on I've also come to realize, I am her. I see what she feels, whether or not she wants to tell me.

[BrianB]

My mom was in love with a guy a few years ago. He seemed like a really nice christian man. However, he hinted at a darker past. There were a few warning feelings but he seemed so nice. They got engaged and a few months later they were married. Mom wouldn't go in to details but on their wedding night he treated her terribly. He became very demanding and overbearing. She asked him to leave her house and got an annulment a couple of weeks later. The thing is that at the wedding ceremony he shot me a very dirty look. It took me by surprise because it was out of character. I shared about my mom because your story resonated with me. I didn't confront my mom because she seemed so happy being in love.

[Jennifer5]

Originally Posted by BrianB

My mom was in love with a guy a few years ago. He seemed like a really nice christian man. However, he hinted at a darker past. There were a few warning feelings but he seemed so nice. They got engaged and a few months later they were married. Mom wouldn't go in to details but on their wedding night he treated her terribly. He became very demanding and overbearing. She asked him to leave her house and got an annulment a couple of weeks later. The thing is that at the wedding ceremony he shot me a very dirty look. It took me by surprise because it was out of character. I shared about my mom because your story resonated with me. I didn't confront my mom because she seemed so happy being in love.

I'm very sorry to hear that Brian. We never want our loved ones to end up hurt.

[BrianB]

Originally Posted by Jennifer5

I'm very sorry to hear that Brian. We never want our loved ones to end up hurt.

I don't have to worry about mom any more. She has passed on to the next world. Just wanted you to know that I empathize with you.

[Jennifer5]

Originally Posted by BrianB

I don't have to worry about mom any more. She has passed on to the next world. Just wanted you to know that I empathize with you.

Thank you